Twilight is a regular old purple unicorn who was reading in the library until her 5 friends burst in through the front door, claiming that they had seen a giant flash of light in the Everfree Forest, Twilight, the inquisitive unicorn that she was, teleported herself and her five friends to the Everfree Forest. They split up to go look for the flash of light’s location. That way they could cover more ground and hopefully find it faster. Twilight headed North while the rest of the gang went their respective ways.
While this was happening, I was walking towards what I'd find to be Ponyville. I eventually reached a ridge overlooking a small town; I grabbed my binoculars and looked down towards the town. “Wait are those technicolor ponies...?” I ask.
"This... Is DEFINITELY not Australia..." I whisper under my breath, in a rather dissapointed tone.
I started heading down towards the town to see if there were any people around so I can find out what the fuck was up with the... ponies? Whatever they are...
After not finding any people around, whislt also gaining quite a few stares from ponies around the town, I decide that I should try to at least go to the town hall and... buy a house or something.
“With what cash?" I ask myself; "All I have is some pocket lint and some spare change.”
So I go to find a job or something, when I am approached by a few, presumably, male ponies carrying various weapons.
“You’re in the wrong part of town you… creature.” One of them says.
I raise my assault rifle at the thugs.
“Am I really? Gee I hadn't noticed, mate.” I say, sarcastically. (Which is a bad idea)
One of them points their weapon at me.
“Yeah, you are, so you better make like a banana and split.” Says the other
I aim at the pony who pointed his weapon at me and turn the safety off.
“I think you should leave here... 'mate'.”
The guy starts to swing his weapon at me and I fire. The bullet enters through his forehead and exits through the back of his head spilling a load of blood onto the ground behind him as he groaned his last groan and fell to the earth, dead.
I then aim at his friends and say “You want that to happen to you?”
They charge at me and I shoot them, spilling even more blood into the puddle that was gathering on the ground around the dead bodies. I flick my safety back on and check my ammo
“I've got 22 rounds left. Good.”
I check their pockets for any money; I find some gold coins and take them.
“Might come in handy later.” I say as I start heading towards the town hall.
No commas.
Bad grammar.
Tyre? No possessive apostrophes?
Run on, and you didn't capitalize Equestria.
You didn't capitalize the first word of a new sentence.
Extra space before he.
Again you didn't capitalize.
That's obvious. Your use of the English language is atrocious, I'll be honest. It's almost physically painful.
Most people who say 'don't hate' are the people who can't take constructive criticism, nor even recognize it. Besides, it being your first story is no excuse for people to 'go gentle'.
5677495 thanks for the critizim it will be changed within the hour.
5678165 well considering i don't know jack about the ADF aside from being in the cadets i would appreciate the help.