im a cool guy who doesn't look at explosions
Alex Jordan callsign Ghost is part of the Australian Army. One day while he is traveling to an outpost the truck's back left tyre pops, so while his squad stretches their legs, while he goes off to take a piss and finds a magic rock that gives him the ability to travel to Equestria. of course like he always manages to do when this kind of thing happens he gets into a fight. and its all down hill from there. My first story so tell me where i went wrong and i will try to improve.
Page generated in 0.085 seconds
Total duration
1,040 users online
81,902 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
No commas.
Bad grammar.
Tyre? No possessive apostrophes?
Run on, and you didn't capitalize Equestria.
You didn't capitalize the first word of a new sentence.
Extra space before he.
Again you didn't capitalize.
That's obvious. Your use of the English language is atrocious, I'll be honest. It's almost physically painful.
Most people who say 'don't hate' are the people who can't take constructive criticism, nor even recognize it. Besides, it being your first story is no excuse for people to 'go gentle'.
Okie dokie. Where to begin.
First off:
That should be "Australian Defense Force"
A corps is a task orientated subdivision of army.
47th Battalion were in WW2.
They got integrated with 9th Battalion in 67... I think. Don't quote me.
200km I'd believe. Considering at its widest point Qld is 1500km (give or take a few hundred).
Unless you're on a clandestine operation (even then they usually go by call signs) there's really no need for "codenames". Nicknames on the other hand...
Look. Ok story overall.
You need a pre-reader and/or editor.
I'd also advise you to look up the writing guide. This will help... A lot!
I'm happy to help out with any questions about the army since I'm an ADF nut and soon to be army reservist (I'm so lame I can't even be called a reservist yet).
I'd advise you with heaps of other things. PM me if you'd like.
Again. You have potential, you just need to learn about the correct techniques of writing. E.g. Good grammar.
Keep going bro.
5677495 thanks for the critizim it will be changed within the hour.
5678165 well considering i don't know jack about the ADF aside from being in the cadets i would appreciate the help.
what a cool chapter
Did the homicide squad sleep in or something?
5696660 nah i was just playing way too much skyrim. as i should be.
5697836
So when are law enforcement gonna realise that three ponies turned up dead? Killed by a weapon they've never seen before.
You'd think they'd at least hear the bangs.
5698582 thanks for the idea. ill have em show up. but not now cause am tired
5699901
You're story. You're rules.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to.