Chapter 1: New School
Twilight was standing between her two brothers. One older, one younger. Twilight was holding her backpack straps.
“So… Who’s going to open the new school doors first?” The purple haired girl asked. She giggled nervously “Shining, you’re the oldest. You should have the honors”.
“Fine, since you’re both cowards” The oldest – Shining Armor said chuckling.
Shining Armor opened the doors to the new school. Ponyville High.
Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, Spike and their parents have all moved from Canterlot to Ponyville because they couldn’t afford staying in the big, expensive apartment building in Canterlot so they just bought a cozy, little house in Ponyville. And now the three were attending a new high school.
Shining Armor. The oldest from the 3. He was 17 years old. No he does not have a girlfriend although he does feel kind of lonely. He is very kind and nice and well… Pretty much a perfect big brother. He has blue nicely combed hair and currently is wearing a white dress shirt with a pair of jeans.
Twilight Sparkle. Second oldest. She is 16 years old. A perfect student – smart, first priority is good grades so back at Canterlot she didn’t have a lot of friends since she was attending the high school for gifted students. Right now her hair was let down. It was really dark blue with a purple and pink streaks. She had a purple sweater and a purple skirt.
And finally the youngest of them all. Spike. He was 15 years old. He was a great young brother, great moral assistant and a great helper. Well…Great person overall. He was actually adopted, but no one told him that so he just figured he was from this family. He had spiky green hair and right now he was wearing a green shirt with a purple jacket over it and purple shorts.
The three entered the school. For such a small town there was a lot of people in the school.
“We should slowly and carefully look for the principals office” Spike quietly whispered to his brother and sister.
Before Twilight or Shining could say anything a girl bounced in front of them.
“Hiya!! I’m Pinkie Pie!! I noticed that I never saw your faces before! Which means you’re new, which means you don’t have any friends, which means you’re lonely, which means you’re sad!! I cannot stand when someone is sad so I tend to cheer sad people up! And to cheer you guys up I’ll be one of your best friends!!” The girl said quickly.
Pinkie Pie. The hyperactive and very fun and positive girl. She was 16 years old. You could say she was the element of laughter in this school. (Lol) She liked to throw parties for everything which made her unique in this school. As of now her hair was curly, poofy and and big, she was wearing a t-shirt with a big illustration of a balloon on it and pink short-shorts.
“U-Uh….” Twilight was very confused. Who was this girl and how….? ‘’Um… We are wondering how to reach the principals office….”
Pinkie chuckled “I’ll show ya!” She grabbed Twilight by the arm and ran off leaving Spike and Shining Armor trying to catch up.
***
After getting schedules, locker numbers and their combinations they were left with Pinkie… Again…
“You guys should definitely sit with me and my friends at lunch! We are really welcoming, you know!” Pinkie said. “Well, I gotto bounce! I heard there was another new kid coming and I have to welcome him or her! Bye!” Pinkie said and *literally* bounced off.
Soon the bell rang and the three siblings had to part ways.
***
Twilight was running and looking for the chemistry class. She heard it was in the third floor while passing a group of students so she was trying to quickly run up the big stairs until…. She bumped into someone.
Twilight was stumbling back but the person she bumped into quickly grabbed her arm and pulled her into a normal standing pose.
“I am so sorry! I’m new and I have no idea where I’m going!” Twilight said looking worried.
“No problem! I’m Flash Sentry! I hope we could be friends since you’re new and all” He smiled.
Ahh… Flash Sentry. 17 years old. He plays guitar and stays cool near his guy friends, but he can be pretty dorky. He’s very nice and will most definitely cheer you up if Pinkie can’t. He has dark blue (lighter than Twilight’s) hair, he’s wearing a white shirt, black jacket and blue jeans. He also had slightly tanned skin.
“What’s your name?” He asked.
“Twilight Sparkle. I currently need to hurry to the chemistry class.” Twilight smiled nervously.
“Oh well at least you’re on the right track. When you get to third floor there should be a class right in front of your nose. And don’t worry. The chemistry teacher- Zecora – isn’t bad. Well have to go to math! Bye Twilight!” Flash said and walked off.
“B-Bye Flash”
***
Shining Armor was doing push-ups in gym. It was pretty easy. When he finsished he stood up and brushed the sweat off of his forehead.
His eyes darted to the cheerleaders that were practising the pyramid. The girl standing on the top waving pom-poms in the air cought his attention.
She had pink, yellow and purple hair and she was wearing a pink cheerleader uniform.
Shining found himself muttering a 'wow' under his breath.
"Ugh... Cadence.... How long? My arm is sore" Flitter said.
Flitter was holding Cadence's leg with her hand.
"Few more seconds, Flitter. Sombra isn't looking!" Cadence replied.
Flitter rolled her eyes "Can you stop falling head over heels for that guy. He's nothing special, Cade!"
"He isn't looking! He's the only guy in the cheerleader squad and I- I mean us need to impress him! And I don't like him!"
"Yeah... There's pretty much better guys here than him!"
Cadence rolled her eyes.
"Cade.... I... I can't feel my arm... Cade!"
"What is it Flitter?!"
"I-I'm sorry..."
Flittered lowerd her arm and Cadence... Well loosing her balance she fell. Cadence let out a scream.
Shining was now doing his pull-ups until he heard a scream. His head shot at the direction the scream was coming from and there he saw the girl that looked so amazing falling down. Shining didn't think twice and ran towards the yelling girl.
He jumped up and caught the girl safely in his arms. He landed stumbling a bit, but he still landed greatly. He put the girl on the ground carefully.
"A-Are you okay?" Shining Armor asked.
Cadence opened her eyes and looked around "I-I'm okay...."
The pyramid soon shattered and Flitter ran to Cadence.
She hugged her "I am so so sorry! I didn't mean it! I... I couldn't... I didn't-"
Cadence hugged back "No problem... It's nothing"
The two broke from the hug and Cadence took a glance at Sombra. He didn't even turn to her!
"Anyways..." Cadence looked at Shining "Thank you so much for taking your time and catching me! I'm Mi Amore Cadenza, but you can just call me Cadence! What's your name? I don't believe I ever saw you around! You new?"
"Yes, I'm actually new and my name is Shining Armor and I moved here with my little sister and my little brother!" Shining smiled.
Cadence gasped "Little sister?! I'd love to meet her! B-But anyways... I'd like to invite you to sit with me at lunch and also with my cousin and Flitter!"
"Oh... Oh yeah! Sure! I'd love to!" Shining grinned.
***
"Welcome to high school, children! I want to start our new year by getting you all atleast a few friends so that is why I will asign you to a project! You will have to get to groups of 4... Well... I will get you to groups of 4." The history teacher smiled.
There were a few groans and a few cheers. The history teacher started asigning people to groups.
"Hm... Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and... hm... Spike! You guys will have to make a presentation about Athens!" The teacher cheered.
The four sat down together. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo always knew eachother so all of their eyes drifted to Spike.
"Hi! I'm Applebloom! This is Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo! What is your name?" Applebloom said happily.
"I'm Spike! I moved from Canterlot to Ponyville and I'm attending this!" Spike said.
"Well, we'd love to be friends with you!" Sweetie Belle grinned.
"Yup! It will be great!" Scootaloo said.
Spike grinned a toothy grin. "Cool! I'd love to be friends with you too!"
"You're welcome to sit at our table at lunch brake!" Applebloom offered.
Spike nodded "Okay! But now we should start planning what will we do with our project. We can do it about a certain aspect of Athens or just generally Athens?"
The four started chatting about Athens and themselves.
So far this is an interesting story. I like how you are doing this, but (yes there is a but) there are ways to improve. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not to ask how. Good luck, and welcome to the site.
5648275
Thanks for the comment!!
Okay so I will ask :D How could I improve?
5648378 first, you must be warned. I'm not doing this to hurt you, I honestly want to help. This was one of the BEST ideas I've seen since "Princess Celestia tries a dating website." I love this idea, and have tossed it around more than a few times. But never had anything as good as the foundation you have built here. However I can come across as overly critical and mean. So still want my help?
5648422
Sure! I'm not that easily hurt anyways :D
Especially when it comes to fanfiction. I accept critique and I'm really grateful for the time people take to critique this :)
Good because I'm going to go through this piece by piece.
This, doesn't count as a paragraph. It tells us VERY little and is barely able to attract attention to your story. The entire thing is more like a single sentence, with too many periods and not enough description. How was she holding them? Was she nervous? Was she in need of a bathroom break? Did she suddenly decide that she wanted to hold them because she thought it growled at her? We know nothing, so tell us.
Grammar and punctuation and cupcakes, oh my.... Anyway the most glaring error here is the case of "purple unicorn syndrome" meaning instead of calling Twilight by her name you substituted a description of her. Its okay to do this if you are using a character that doesn't know her name, or in a joke, but here it is wrong. I've done it before as well, I'm sure we all have.
Next we have the punctuation issue, your apostrophes are perfect! But you put quotes before your period once and this paragraph should be more like this:
"So... Who's going to open the door?" Twilight asked as she looked at the ominous school door before her. "I think you should Shining, age before beauty after all," she said as she giggled nervously.
5648487
Age before beauty cracked me up for some reason :D
Thank you greatly for the critique and I'll try my best to make my writing better.
Actually for the last note of yours.... I actually didn't know since my original language isn't english and I don't really learn where to put periods here everyday XD
But thanks again for the critique!
Now, we have these:
Instead of putting the actual numbers, spell them out, like so. Instead of "17", use "seventeen" etc...
Hmmm could have saved that for later I think.
instead of telling us this, why not show us what kind of person he is?
woah, excitable little guy ain't he? So much enthusiasm. Too many excitement poles. That means these "!" That seems to be prevalent throughout this story.
my kingdom for a comma. Right before the quotation marks is where it should be. Also... That would be insanely creepy to have someone say, right off the bat, "let's be friends! Don't worry I'm not a stalker, and I totally won't sneak into your house to sniff your hair, lick your forehead, and make origami from your underwear!" Sorry Bout that... I went on a tangent... From Pinkie, it kinda cute, from Flash... Lock your doors.
Instead of her getting all dreamy eyed, have her think something like "wow... He was nice. And cute... Crud I'm late!" That sounds more like Twilight.
5648534 I'm not done yet I'm afraid. *grins psychotically* I will take into account that this is not your primary language.
I like this, more plz!
Not to nitpick, but you misspelled happiness in the description.
5648550
Go ahead! I like your critiques!!
This seem like a nice idea, but it could use some polish. For example, there are some point where you may want to add commas, some of the characters' dialogue's missing ending punctuation, and I personally found you used exclamation points far too often. Here are some other things you may want to edit.
Both of those should be "prinicpal's".
That should either be "got t" or "gotta".
That should be "Well, I have".
That should be a question mark.
That should be "we".
I recommend splitting that into to sentences, like this: "Yes, I'm actually new and my name is Shining Armor. I moved here with my little sister and my little brother."
Those should be "at least" and "assign". Also, you should probably spell out the numbers rather than just having them there.
Oh, and congrats for getting on the popular list!
5648960
I got in the popular list? Wowsies! That's cool! And thanks!!