YO BISHES IM NOT MEEPQUEEN ANYMORE I AM NOW THE GREAT EMOLI KNEEL TO ME
What happens when Twilight and her two brothers move to the nicest town? But nicest towns can have the cruelest high schools. Follow the mane 6, Spike, CMC and more as they experience love, friendship, heartbreak, hatred and happiness.
-HUMAN-
*If anyone wants spoilers PM me*
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So far this is an interesting story. I like how you are doing this, but (yes there is a but) there are ways to improve. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not to ask how. Good luck, and welcome to the site.
5648275
Thanks for the comment!!
Okay so I will ask :D How could I improve?
5648378 first, you must be warned. I'm not doing this to hurt you, I honestly want to help. This was one of the BEST ideas I've seen since "Princess Celestia tries a dating website." I love this idea, and have tossed it around more than a few times. But never had anything as good as the foundation you have built here. However I can come across as overly critical and mean. So still want my help?
5648422
Sure! I'm not that easily hurt anyways :D
Especially when it comes to fanfiction. I accept critique and I'm really grateful for the time people take to critique this :)
Good because I'm going to go through this piece by piece.
This, doesn't count as a paragraph. It tells us VERY little and is barely able to attract attention to your story. The entire thing is more like a single sentence, with too many periods and not enough description. How was she holding them? Was she nervous? Was she in need of a bathroom break? Did she suddenly decide that she wanted to hold them because she thought it growled at her? We know nothing, so tell us.
Grammar and punctuation and cupcakes, oh my.... Anyway the most glaring error here is the case of "purple unicorn syndrome" meaning instead of calling Twilight by her name you substituted a description of her. Its okay to do this if you are using a character that doesn't know her name, or in a joke, but here it is wrong. I've done it before as well, I'm sure we all have.
Next we have the punctuation issue, your apostrophes are perfect! But you put quotes before your period once and this paragraph should be more like this:
"So... Who's going to open the door?" Twilight asked as she looked at the ominous school door before her. "I think you should Shining, age before beauty after all," she said as she giggled nervously.
5648487
Age before beauty cracked me up for some reason :D
Thank you greatly for the critique and I'll try my best to make my writing better.
Actually for the last note of yours.... I actually didn't know since my original language isn't english and I don't really learn where to put periods here everyday XD
But thanks again for the critique!
Now, we have these:
Instead of putting the actual numbers, spell them out, like so. Instead of "17", use "seventeen" etc...
Hmmm could have saved that for later I think.
instead of telling us this, why not show us what kind of person he is?
woah, excitable little guy ain't he? So much enthusiasm. Too many excitement poles. That means these "!" That seems to be prevalent throughout this story.
my kingdom for a comma. Right before the quotation marks is where it should be. Also... That would be insanely creepy to have someone say, right off the bat, "let's be friends! Don't worry I'm not a stalker, and I totally won't sneak into your house to sniff your hair, lick your forehead, and make origami from your underwear!" Sorry Bout that... I went on a tangent... From Pinkie, it kinda cute, from Flash... Lock your doors.
Instead of her getting all dreamy eyed, have her think something like "wow... He was nice. And cute... Crud I'm late!" That sounds more like Twilight.
5648534 I'm not done yet I'm afraid. *grins psychotically* I will take into account that this is not your primary language.
I like this, more plz!
Not to nitpick, but you misspelled happiness in the description.
5648550
Go ahead! I like your critiques!!
This seem like a nice idea, but it could use some polish. For example, there are some point where you may want to add commas, some of the characters' dialogue's missing ending punctuation, and I personally found you used exclamation points far too often. Here are some other things you may want to edit.
Both of those should be "prinicpal's".
That should either be "got t" or "gotta".
That should be "Well, I have".
That should be a question mark.
That should be "we".
I recommend splitting that into to sentences, like this: "Yes, I'm actually new and my name is Shining Armor. I moved here with my little sister and my little brother."
Those should be "at least" and "assign". Also, you should probably spell out the numbers rather than just having them there.
Oh, and congrats for getting on the popular list!
5648960
I got in the popular list? Wowsies! That's cool! And thanks!!
5653052
you better hope it's updated
or my meeps will destroy you
JK
thank you for the nice comment!
Good job.
Interesting....
Now I'm curious to all the shipping combos you will do...
eh...something seems off. (no offense)
Okay, so many ship. ShiningxCadence, RarityxTrenderhoof, ChessexPinkie, SweetiexButton, ApplejackxCaramel and possible FlashxTwilight, SoarinxRainbow and FluttershyxDiscord. Usually in these stories, Scootaloo is paired with Rumble and Applebloom with Pipsqueak. Spike ... is always neglected, so I would see him without a couple, but totally badass (rarely see). Finally, I was right the other shippings?... xD
5809116
You'll be surprised of where I'm dragin the Flashlight shipping :D
And yes Spike is forever alone because I see him better without girls :D
5808970
But what? 0-0
Lol
5810130
Oh please you can make a SpikeXGabby or SpikeXSmolder even if you go nuts you can make SpikeXDiamondTiara