Interlude I: Reunion
Leafeon gazed at his little brother, who had befriended the buttercream, winged ponyta. Leafeon let thoughts fight within his head until he decided on something.
"E-Eevee," he asked. Eevee turned his head towards Leafeon's voice.
He smiled. "Hi, Leafeon! Meet my friend, Fluttershy!" Fluttershy turned her head in the direction Eevee was adressing.
She squinted and asked, "Is that one of your siblings, Eevee?"
"Yup," Eevee responded happily. "That's Leafeon. He's my grass type brother I told you about."
"Oh, that's very nice," Fluttershy said, smiling. "Would you like to come inside, too, Leafeon?"
Leafeon slowly nodded, as if still thinking.
"FLUTTERS!!!!!"
Then Leafon got knocked over by a cyan, winged ponyta that had a blue thing and a yellow thing in its hooves.
"Hi, Leafeon," Vaporeon said pleasantly.
"'Sup," Jolteon added.
"Wow," Eevee said. "Like, half of us are here."
"Fluttershy, darling," Rarity called from a distance.
Fluttershy waved a hoof.
When Rarity got there, Glaceon, who had been walking beside her, bolted towards her siblings.
She put her front paws on Jolteon's cheeks and asked, "You haven't done anything stupid, have you?"
"Mo," Jolteon tried to say.
"Thank goodness," Glaceon said, dropping to the ground relieved.
Applejack suddenly appeared pulling a wagon with Flareon tied up. "Fluttershy," she said panicky, "ya gotta tell 'ma what in tarnation this here t'ang is!"
"It's a Flareon. Harmless." Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. "Now untie him. He's harmless, and you're not! You should be ashamed for tying up an innocent creature. Untie him, Applejack, now!" Applejack untied him faster than a millisecond.
Flareon stretched his legs. "Oh-hoho... Praise Arceus. I was starting to get rope burns."
Boing, boing, boing!
"Every-mon else hears the boing-ing sound, too," Flareon said. "Right?"
Pinkie Pie and Sylveon were 'boing-ing' towards Fluttershy's home. When Sylveon saw her siblings, she began to bounce quicker.
"Look, every-mon! Only two of us are missing," she exclaimed.
Then Twilight came. Umbreon was walking in her shadow, while Espeon was walking in the sunlight.
"Hey, girls. I see you also got visitors," Twilight said.
"Uh-huh," the other five chorused.
"Whoo-hoo!! Pinkie Pie, you might want to break out the party cannon for a reunion," Sylveon exclaimed.
"You got it, Syl," Pinkie Pie chirped.
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity blinked, and Applejack asked, "You can understand them?"
"Yupper-doodles," shouted Pinkie Pie.
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Starring me!
lol, great story btw!
5828931
Thx!
I'm seeing eevee getting pushed to the side but given its only the beginning its not surprising ... though I'm surprised on one has pissed a Pokémon off yet... perhaps team rocket has primed me to expect something to be blasting off again.
Shouldn't that be no?
Completely out of character, do rephrase please, other than that, well save for being rushed, it's off to an, well, alright start.
Could become a sweet little story, hope you'll put some thought and heart into it.
5829994
Nah, Flutters promised to get all of Eevee's siblings. Kinda hard when one's kidnapped.
5829350
Glaceon is squeezing his face. Kinda hard to move his jaw at the moment.
5830600
The phrasing still appears completely out of character.
First, she's talking to AJ who brought the fuzzy fellow along, and second, would Fluttershy ever threaten to beat one of her closest friends?
5830712
She promised... Plus I'm adding an AU tag.
5831241
Your choice.
I was merely attempting to point out a spot for improvement
Please don't take this the wrong way as I try to cut out in cardboard what I tried to say with my original comment:
You've started a story that could end up being quite the fluffy adventure, it has options and opportunities to go where ever you take it. The fact that you have canon characters in it, just leaves certain 'frames' in which way people expect them to act, react and talk. For the most part you've kept the characters well within these (in AU) extra flexible 'frames.' That bites it self in its own tail when you suddenly have the character of Fluttershy express her dislike of the fact that AJ has an Eeveelution (and cute fluffy creature) tied down on a wagon with something as blunt as an "I'll beat you" threat.
What I am so high and mighty to suggest is that you change her choice of words to something more in character with the Fluttershy you have all ready introduced in previous chapter.
5831322
I think you're trying to say: try to keep the characters more in line with the show.
But you see, I was planning on doing an AU tag in the first, and then I noticed it wasn't there!
Plus, Flutters is usually more open with her friends.
5829994
5830600 I agree with him, i don´t think that she would use quite this choice of words. I mean i can believe you, that she could get a bit angry, but i believe she would still act a bit different with her request towards Applejack.
-------
I noticed you mentioned the AU, well if you would want every Pony or at least Fluttershy to have a greater change, i guess you should write in the description, that you have a (possible) badass Fluttershy (Flutterbrave).
-------
5831322
5832312
I guess your Fluttershy would have to get a personality like Rainbow Dash, to even think about being that rude in her choice of words towars one of her "friends".
Since this is only the start i don´t want to be to mean, but i guess it seems you have rushed it a bit. I know many characters are many hard to control, that is one thing that i heard once, but it would be probably more nice if you would show us, how the ponys would actually act towards them. I mean i would wish to have a little scene, where i see a longer version of every meeting. (I am not an expert with english grammar so if you don´t understand everything from me, please ask again.)
i am not a fan of Twilight and her translation spell, since i think she should not be able to use it on creatures she don´t even understand, already in the first moment she sees them. I believe that she would know them better, to be able to adjust the spell for them, maybe she would have to work with Fluttershy for that.
5834618
I get what you're saying, and I'll admit: I am a rusher!
As for Flutters, she very open with her friends (and animals). She told Eevee he would get mauled (if not raped in my AU).
Anyway... Yeah. I think that's it.
5831322
5832312 I thought exactly what Zilverfoss did with that line. Sure, you can take liberties with your characters. That's called artistic license(I think...). Just, as these aren't your characters, you need to try to keep them as the show portrays them. Or not, if you wish, but at least add a note to the description if you're going change the personality of a character. I can see Fluttershy threatening Applejack, and yes, she is open with her friends, but I just cannot see Fluttershy threatening to beat her friend. A more in character line might go something like this:
"Untie him at once, Applejack! That is no way to treat any living creature!" Fluttershy said.
I know, not a threat, but Fluttershy's indignation at the way Applejack is treating another creature is portrayed, and is much more in character. If you want to keep the line you had, maybe add a note in the description like Texus said. Apart from that, the story is moving along nicely, albeit a little rushed. But hey, I'm like that too.
Good job overall.
5836145
What you just said made so much more sense! I vaguely understood what Zilverfoss was saying, but you cleared it up a lot. Thanks!
5836358 Glad I could help!
5848332
What do you mean?
5849240 Interesting story idea, I'll keep an eye on it.
i love Eevee so dis story was epic. you should keep writing