Axan Zenith
Joined 4th May, 2012 ·
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Well fuck.
Edit: Now that I've got some of the initial reaction out of my system, holy shit you struck gold with this one. The prose is just mesmerising, I couldn't stop reading, and every word counts. Utterly chilling - bravo.
Here via 5610680's "You Might Like This" group recommendation. The prose is indeed powerful here (though there are some stumbles in the middle, like "The General's voice hardened" — not only do you switch to past tense, but The Colonel switches ranks. Give the story an edit pass). I picked up on the copper/blood thing from the beginning, and "Don't be afraid of the word" was a great way of making me feel smart about that — that it was a shared cleverness you were coaxing into the open.
My main complaint would be that this paragraph, near the beginning, rips away the punch of your reveal:
I mean, the last sentence basically explains your plot twist several hundred words before you reach it.
The story's showing off a lot of potential, though! Enough to upvote and get me curious about your other work.
Best,
H
5610902
Ah hell, you're right. Thanks for the sharp eyes; undoubtedly this is what I get for writing at 5 in the morning. I'll get on fixing it.
EDIT: Fixed, I think.
5610902
As for your main complaint, I must admit you have me there. When I wrote that whole bit, I didn't even think of it as a reveal per se, perhaps a reveal of what The Line actually is, that is, the main meat processing line, but I see what you mean. If more people have the same complaint I'll see about retooling that bit. Otherwise I might leave it perhaps as an example for future endeavors.
Thank you so much for the feedback, though! It's much appreciated.
5610902
Wow. That's, uh, both extremely flattering and slightly unnerving - high standards to live up to!
You read my recs?
5611539
Well, you clearly already have good taste …
5611323
Looks better, though you might want to take one more pass through specifically looking for past-tense verbs. There were a few more I noticed, like the paragraph after the one I quoted, and the two paragraphs at the end.
No shame in getting a second opinion!
I've been known to be wrongEven though I'm clearly, undeniably pefrect.I can watch videos of either man destroying man, or man destroying nature -- or even both at the same time -- in the most brutal ways imaginable, and not once will I cringe or shed a tear.
...
But abattoirs... they fucking get to me every time.
Now, I'm not about to enjoy my steak dinners any less, but the thought does make me feel uneasy at times. I'm glad that this fic emulates that feeling very well. The cow begging for her calf borders on forcing it (as well as the whole "villain speech" by the Colonel), but the overall effect is still impressive. Well done!
Probably meant "yelp."
5653423
Fixed! Thanks bruv.
At the end I'm thinking
"So the Machine is basically how you make a McDoanlds hamburger?"
Pretty fucking good story
9/10
*shudder*
Animal rights activists are gonna be pissed, but really, if your food could talk, would you still eat it, if it couse express pain, and fear?
This was impressive. :)
Hello! I reviewed this and rather liked it. I agree with horizon that it's a shame the big reveal comes as early as it does. But I generally like fics that have to be set on Equestria to work, and this is one. Upvoted!