- Member Since 24th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen April 15th
Mercury Zero
Finding the storm clouds in every silver lining. Discord: https://discord.gg/JzTPmGSUGy
Mercury Zero
Joined 24th Jun, 2013 ·
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Removed some comments from before the story was posted.
Sad to say but this sort of shits happened in real life...the fake rape part...so many used the whole gender conflict things for their own gain...
I'm really torn on how to feel about this story. If we take the victim at their word, they didn't do it, and the one who forced it not only got away free and had a laugh at the process, but Celestia and that guard did something truly abhorrent on a lie. But there's no epilogue or anything, so it just all hangs as possibly a mistrial of justice.
That hanging over everything makes me feel ill reading this.
Do not use images in the description please.
who the fuck smile and lauhge at there own rape i petty sure i can't.
note to shelf don't read anything with rape you will get piss off big time.
6889267
Uh, really? Not cool.
6889533
?
They're just comments on things that were only relevant before the story was released.
6889541
Yeah, but you don't EVER delete comments. Otherwise, it makes you look bad, no matter what explanation you offer (very few people will believe you).
6889559
Well, it still says the names of the people who posted the comments. You could ask them what it's about but I suspect you'll find the response very dull.
Could we get an epilogue?
What the fuck?!
... Okay, initial reaction complete. I have more coherent things to say.
tl;dr: The story was doing okay until Celestia showed up and ruined everything.
One: Your writing overall is actually pretty good. That's why three, four, and five disappoint me instead of being expected failings.
Two: Fairly good execution on the whole "Is he or isn't he guilty?" thing. It could have been done better, but the bigger problem is that it's completely overshadowed by the other part of the story. Speaking of which...
Three: There is absolutely no good justification given, or easily-extrapolated from your writing, for Celestia's willingness to have one of her law-enforcers commit rape. You, as the author, made the decision that something had to happen right away, but your method (the spell's sex requirement combined with the ability to resist it) pushed Celestia (and anything we've ever seen of her guardsponies) into a character who isn't really believable as Celestia. This is a failing because it's quite jarring to read; you have to do a lot more development of Celestia into a pony who would do this before the average MLP fan would believe any of this was her.
Four: Since when is Celestia stupid enough to believe that this would solve the problem? Women (so, by extrapolation, mares) can too commit rape. So can castrated men (so, by extrapolation, geldings), for that matter.
Five: Not only that, but a rapist given this sort of treatment might actually be more likely to re-offend, given a lot of anger, hurt, and frustration, all directed towards mares. Granted, it's not one hundred percent clear that protagonist did commit rape, but the combination of this and his sexist attitude might lead him to start.
So really, not only is the punishment unlikely to be effective, it may just make things worse, especially since rapists threatened with the death penalty or a life sentence are more likely to also murder the victim to reduce the odds of getting caught (which may actually be effective, since ponies appear to have inferior surveillance and information technology to what we do now) when they are offered nothing to lose.
Edit:
Basically, the big problem with this whole story is that it looks like you came up with what you wanted to happen, came up with a setup, and stomped all over or ignored everything that came between the two. That's just... it's not how to write a good story.
In response to your author note, I would like to see more dark material like this, and I wouldn't mind if it's rapey/cloppy/both, but you've failed to put this one together well.
6889711
Oh! Hey! You wrote 'Freedom'. I liked that story. It still sticks in my head after more than a year. Good to see someone whose story I enjoyed throwing a comment on my garbage.
To be honest, I wrote this ages ago, realized it needed work, and never got to it... then decided today to publish it as-is because I was never going to get around to fixing it up. I think my issues with it were similar to yours. I never managed to make it clear what Celestia's motivations were and why she considered it preferable to choose this path over alternatives.
6889759
Ah, I remember now. You did seem familiar.
I'm not proud of that story of mine, either.
edit: I edited more on the previous post.
10/10 story man. If you can make me think while I fap you're doing something right.
6889764
If I recall correctly, I actually had a draft of the story where our second person protagonist got his punishment without any rape. I can't recall what made me decide on this route.
Oh well, I'm glad I managed to evoke some emotions.
If there's anything you specifically enjoyed and want to see more of, let me know.
This story is neither bad nor good. It's in the grey area. Reason being the execution was nice, so is the writing. But everything else falls flat on it's face. The whole rape concept was a very daring move to use, for such a topic is fairly serious. Not that it bothers me, but in this story there seems to be quite a bit of carelessness with such an action. Not to mention the OOC Celestia and victim. Honestly it's cringe worthy reading through their lines for how unnatural it all was. Other than that the story is a meh to me. I possibly now have psychological issues after feeding my eyes with this literature, but nonetheless it's fine.
What the fuck.
I came here for a quick jerk, but fuck me this story made me about as hard as a wet noodle. I hope you make another chapter where the mare confesses, cuz I would personally rather be executed than forced through something like that.
Pesima historia
it was a good read, but i think he could have had more time to dread the time to be come a mare.
Well, that was quite a trip. Interesting read though. Hope you post a sequel to this sometime in the future
Wow... what a way to learn from a mistake (that he may or may not have made).
My question is
Was... “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for raping that mare! She was just so beautiful! She—she told me to stop but I couldn’t I—I wouldn’t. I’m sorry! Is that what you wanted to hear?!” the honest truth or just desperation talking? I would like to know where this story leads, so for that reason I hoping to see sequel sometime in the future.
personally I think you should have turned this into a sucide note from the mane character in the story
This story made me mad. Plain and simple. At one point I thought the accused would be changed back to a stallion after the rape...and honestly that would have made a better ending in my opinion, see how it feels kinda thing, but no just take another stallion from the already low population of them. Sorry but thumbs down.
This was really good! I'd love to see more dark stuff from you
Yeah, I can't support this punishment, it seems that either way, guilty or not it would only spawn more problems.
Hell, personally if I was innocent I'd probably end up killing both the "executioner" and the mare. Hmm... Probably if I was guilty too... So neither an up nor a down vote, not enough for a decision..
Looks like there's going to be a murder-suicide in this guy's future.
6891072
The really interesting thing about that outburst is that the 'executioner' was at the trial as well. He said that if he was on the jury he would have found the stallion innocent, which definitely lends weight to his claims - especially his descriptions of how the 'victim' laughed about the whole thing while she was giving evidence. Personally I'm leaning towards the 'rapist' being innocent, as he has an impartial witness apparently backing up his description of the trial while his 'admission' was basically blurted out under torture in an attempt to make it stop.
But really, if they wanted to end his life they should have shown him to the gallows. I know I'd choose the hangman's noose over the hell that Celestia thinks is appropriate.
Interesting, if a bit dark.
Proceed.
Well, that was fucked...
I have to say, I probably would have stabbed a bitch if I had to go through this. Maybe shot. Maybe burned. Doesn't matter. No amount of security would stop me from ending the accuser's life.
Anyways, very interesting story, one I wouldn't mind seeing expanded.
From my previous comment...It is pretty obvious that the events of this story make me think the so called "rapist" was innocent of the crime.
And the ones who sentenced him are a bunch of sexists.
The mare who accused him is a fraud scammer or whatever words that fit.
While I can clop to this...It make me kinda sick afterward. It also make me want to kill the mare for some sick sense of justice...
This just make it seem more like he is innocent....