- Member Since 6th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 13th, 2017
FellFour
I want to become a writer someday, so I came here to practice and see if I have what it takes to become an author.
FellFour
Joined 6th Mar, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I love the story!!! And I live in Ohio also!!!!!
I would love to see more of this story!!!
Well, that's a good attitude to have at least.
Anyway, the first big issue with this is the introduction. The issue being that introductions are generally a bad thing to do. You show a character's personality by how they act through the story. What you don't do is list off all their personality traits and their history to the readers up front. This is doubly true when half the stuff won't even be relevant to the story itself.
Another issue is ponies flipping around because a human shows up. Being cautious around him works fine, but you have to keep in mind that they're used to there being other intelligent species. Quite a few of them have likely seen minotaurs before, something that isn't too far off from humans. Twilight blasting him like that just doesn't make sense when you consider that. Her going to violence right away is also rather out of character for her. It's also not in your favor that ponies overreacting to humans has become a rather tired cliche at this point.
5814010
I really do appreciate the criticism you've given me, and I do see what you're saying.
I'll be honest with you, I wasn't really trying with this story. I know that a good author should really try to make a good story, but I just wanted to experiment and see what the result was.
I'll really take what you have said at heart. I'm still kind of a rookie when it comes to writing, so I have A LOT to learn.
Once again, thank you for the criticism, and have a nice day!
Hold it! if Twilight know about humans and know that other had come before but went nuts, then how come she or the town doesn't even know what a human is, or that they are sentient…and if she even know all that…then why did she attack him! made sense if she though it was a dangerous creature, but it doesn't made sense if she already knew what a human is
Okay first of all, I would like to say that this isn't that bad. I think it actually starts off pretty good. However, a few things don't really click, the first being Twilight suddenly hitting him with a spell that injures. She is very clever and has many spells at her disposal, some of which include teleportation, gravity alteration, element manipulation, telekinesis, and magical shields. Given her personality, she would never resort to attacking something without that something making the first move. Another thing that bugs me is the line Rainbow Dash says, '...Okay. Come, girls. We should probably leave him be.'. I would expect that from someone sensible like Applejack but not someone as extreme, wild, and aggressive as Dash. Also, amnesia is not something that makes you just forget what things are while you remember the words. It mostly makes it impossible to remember people and experiences from your past memories. The way you put it is not technically possible in the medical world, where you know the word truck, but not the definition. And finally... 'Hell'? Seriously? You are putting Hell in the story? Sure, Tartarus I would understand, but how does Twilight know about Hell? How is it linked to their universe in the first place?! If you intend to continue this story I highly recommend that you don't put such a 'hot button subject' (pun intended) in it and instead edit it out.
Now that all the bad stuff is out of the way I can say what I liked about it. The intro, while a little 'monologue-y' was pretty easy to follow and gave a quick look at what you were like and what we were in for. How you first popped up in the Everfree forest was at least a little more original than a lot of other stuff out there, and I like originality. Fluttershy's characterization was pretty dead on, which I think is pretty difficult to master, so that was nice. There was actually a moment I could picture her being all adorable with a cute smile as she said 'Absolutely!'. And last but not least, good job on the details. You can tell that a story is good when you feel less like you are reading and more like you are watching a movie in your head because of all the vivid detail. Not many people get this and are doomed to failure from the start because of it.
In conclusion, this was an enjoyable read that I approve of but there are some problems here and there that need some work. All in all though, you get the demonic stamp of approval.
orig12.deviantart.net/c21e/f/2015/094/7/3/demonic_stamp_of_approval_by_jasonthedemon-d8oc78p.jpg
(P.S. If you ever want to challenge me to a game of Smash, just send me a PM.)
5821726
I actually didn't think about that the whole Hell thing until you told me about it. I'll edit that. Thanks for letting me know.
Also, with the whole Rainbow Dash thing, that's going to be the only time she says something like that, so don't worry too much about that. So, I completely understand what you're saying.
As for the moment with Twilight attacking the main protagonist, I just thought that I would do something that was a bit out of character for her. It may not have been a good idea, but I just thought that it was a cool idea. That won't happen again in future stories.
You're criticism is deeply appreciated, Jason. Keep up the good work and I really hope my story does please you. If not, then oh well. At least I'll know that you've read it. Thanks again!
5822839 And thank you for making this story. Seriously this is like the first time anyone has really been inspired to do something because of me, so giving it a review is the least I could do in return. It would have felt wrong if I just ignored it.
Good story.
So, didn't Trevor actually realize that it was Celestia who brought him to Equestria? Shouldn't he be discontent about that right about now? I mean Celestia did bring him to Equestria without his consent.
Bad enough to be in hell huh?