- Member Since 19th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen February 2nd
SPark
Not checking in here. I may post stories because my patrons are nice and like ponies. Otherwise out of the fandom, sorry peeps.
SPark
Joined 19th Jul, 2011 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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SPark · 6.2k words · 146 6 · 2.5k views
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So creative and touching. Not to mention vivdly descriptive. I absolutely love your work.
As usual with short one-shots featuring the tag, the romantic elements feel rushed as all heck. But very good otherwise in terms of the prose selling a relaxing, tranquil setting. I felt every moment, heard the waves and Luna's voice, and by the end of things, my mood was completely mellowed.
In other words, two out of three ain't bad.
5488414 Aww, thank you very much!
5488409 Hee. Thank you too!
*sigh*
by the maker, you're good at this.
Your Luna is gorgeous and your idea of linking her appearance to the phases of the moon is pure brilliance.
The piece of history you provide makes for a great mood builder.
The best thing about this story though is probably just how much you fit into the low word count, making it an intense and engaging read.
Like and fav, thank you for sharing this.
5488460 Thank you very much! (Comments like this so make my day.) Though I can't claim full credit for the phases of the moon idea, I've seen it in a couple of other fics, way back when.
5488475 I thought as much (the moon phases thing) but the way you describe and use it is great; thus my comment still stands :) And anyway, all great authors use versions of ideas they once read somewhere else alongside their own.
Oh and about that possible sequel you talk about in that blog post: why, yes please. Would be interesting to see what would come about if you were to develop this small scene into something bigger.
Now, if this was just any story, I'd say this is done perfectly. Considering, that you said, that it is an exercise in mood, I hope you don't mind a little bit of constructive criticism. What I'm talking about is the ending. Everything you wrote, from introduction to dialogue is extremely well executed. Compared to that the end felt a bit fast.
You went from "pretty close, but still kind of platonic" to "they declare their undying love and kiss" in just two paragraphs.
I wouldn't call it rushed and it might even happen that way, but I wouldn't have minded one or two paragraphs where Twilight struggles a bit to analyse meaning into what Luna just said, before blurting out with her confession.
Anyway, you have earned my fave.
Much more than a simple exercise.
A well done Story if a bit short.
I like the fresh new Element for Princess Luna to have another Domain apart from the Night Sky and Dreams. The Tides are very fitting considering their connection to the Moon. Whole Story was also an adorable TwiLuna setting.
Well done.
5489073 I fully agree that the swiftness of the romance is probably the weakest part of this story. However, I felt it would be wrong for Twilight to feel reluctant, and then change her mind and say she loves Luna without a specific reason to do so. Giving her a reason to change her mind, though, would mean I'd have to write a story where a great deal more happened, and it wouldn't have been this story anymore.
5489129 Thank you very much!
Sweet! I love your imagining of Luna's changing with the moon and the hint at an old, dark history. Sequel? Yes, please!
Not bad at all. Short, but sweet.
Your description of the path made me think of the Staircase to the Moon.
5489872 I am very glad people are wanting a sequel! I have SUCH ideas. I might even do two and make it a trilogy, since I have two different Twiluna ideas I want to explore, neither of which is incompatible with the other.
5489886 That's pretty much the kind of thing I had in mind.
5488416 Oh hey, I missed this comment somehow.
As I mentioned elsewhere, I do fully agree that the swiftness of the romance is the weakest part of this. I just didn't want to turn it into a long, multi-encounter story, which is what it takes to properly unfold a blossoming relationship. It would have lost all the poetry if it had been longer, I feel.
5490137 I have yet to read this, but with romance one-shots it's really a matter of being able to show the readers where the two are in their relationship without overstepping your bounds, oneshots are tough, but I've seen entire stories that feel incomplete just because the author doesn't keep a stable pace.
I'll read this tomorrow, but from the looks of it I'll probably enjoy it as well as give my two cents if you'd like me to.
This is a great story 10 out of 10 you always know how to write a great twiLuna story I hope there are more coming soon
This quite a fistful of d'aww
Beautiful!
Sequels please
Beautiful, knowing a bit more about Luna and Twilight and their relationship before their moonlight stroll on the ocean would perhaps help it hit harder. But for a romantic oneshot of a declaration of love, it's perfect.
As always, I absolutely adore your Luna-- this headcanon, both the sea and the moon-power, are quite interesting.
Seuel? Yes, please.
5490516
5490821
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5495761
Thank you all very much!
Bravo my friend bravo
5498803
Thanks!
5498804 Welcome. I hope to throw something up by the end of the month but with school, the infinite loops and the snips I've done, and what have you, I've yet to really sit down for my own personal work.
5498826 Yeah, I haven't written much in ages, actually. Spring Tide was written a couple of months ago, and went up now just because Jordanis finally had some time to edit it for me last week.
5498870 I see. I did some majorish stuff in the Infinite Loops, with two main story ideas going out. I honestly cannot wait to see people's reactions that. Here's hoping that I can get Two Moons up and running like last year!
Mmm, exquisite!
5499655
Thank you!
Welp. There go my feels. Very nice work, SParks.
A very good story. Thank you. The description said this was an exercise in mood and atmosphere. Well done. Very well done.
5505543
Thank you.
5505594 I'm glad you liked it.
5506175 Anytime. Also went ahead and added it to a readers' rec group I'm part of called You Might Like This (exactly what it says on the tin!). Truly a wonderful piece. Hoping to see more from you in the future
Short and sweet.
If anyone I know is hesitant about reading TwiLuna, this would be one of my top recommendations. Fabulous job, well-written, the words were wove together so intricately and it was nicely paced. You get my Royal Stamp of Approval.
(I love that term so much more than fave.)5542159 Ha ha ha. Thanks!
There were many sentences of this caliber, but man, this was my absolute favorite line. You really have a way with imagery--or just words in general, for that matter!
Congratulations, you earned a spot in my oh-so-prestigious favorites shelf.
5615603 Aww, thank you!
Very sweet :D
5672060
Thank you!
This was lovely, intimate and poetic. If I ever get around to writing anything romantic, I'll try to keep your work in mind. Even if it don't, I'm still putting this in my romantic folder.
5689789 Aww, thank you!
It got everything I need... for now.
All the feels, all the world-building, all the Luna, all the Twilight, and most importantly... all the TwiLuna I could've asked for.
I should probably be bothered by how much this ship has grown on me, could be serious competition for AppleDash... nah... probably is, already. Damn.
Anyway - beautiful little thing!
Thank you.
6111727
I'm very glad you enjoyed it so much.
6112849
I thought about that little world-building-part you included. The fight against Discord and the death of other alicorns. It was sad, yes. But... it got horribly heart-wrecking once I added this.
I've known several Discord-origins. Some of those were sad already. But this? In combination with your part?
Can't do much more than... well... feel wrecked.
That was wonderful. There's a lot of little touches here and there--how many of us have bothered remembering the tides with Luna?--that left me delighted.
7239354 Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
This was beautiful... Only way it could've been better is if it was my OC there instead. As much as I like TwiLuna, I ship my OC with Luna more.
I've always liked the idea of a waxing and waning Luna. It's one of those ideas that fits what we've seen in the show, while being something that will remain compatible with canon unless one of the characters speaks directly against it. Linking it to the tides, and then linking the tides to a lost alicorn lover, brings those ideas to a new level.
Regarding the romance, I felt that it works here. Being a short story, what happened before is a matter of interpretation. My interpretation was that Luna and Twilight had a fairly close friendship before the start of the story, explaining why Luna's request that she join her on the edge of the continent with such short warning didn't seem unusual to Twilight. Seeing how many other comments said that their relationship felt rushed, I can see that others didn't share my interpretation, and to that end, I agree that some extra information would have been helpful to make their previous relationship clearer.
The only stumbling point I had in the story was when they were walking on the path of moonlight. I had to re-read that part to be sure what was supposed to be happening here.
My initial interpretation here was that Luna had somehow made a solid bridge out of the moonlight, above the surface of the ocean. My second interpretation, spawned by the following line, is that they're walking on the reflection of the moon along the water of the ocean.
The problem with the second interpretation, though I'm pretty sure it's the intended interpretation, is that it would've been impossible for them to stand on top of the reflection of the moon unless it were directly overhead, which is why I initially held the first interpretation. That, and it would've been hard to stand on top of cresting waves. So this is a spot where the imagery was a bit difficult for me to follow, and some clarification would have helped.
All that said, I did enjoy this story for what it was. I'd enjoy more stories written in this setting.
8169777 The bit earlier about the spell being for walking on light was supposed to be the additional clue to what was going on, but I can see how it could be confusing. They began walking at moonrise and walked until the moon was overhead, is the other piece that I suppose is implicit but not explicit.
8170509 I understood those parts of the story, it's just that because walking on light is something that doesn't happen at all in the real world, it's just hard to determine exactly what that entails in the fictional world. I could imagine that taking several different forms, so determining how exactly it's supposed to work is up for interpretation, unless the text is explicit with what's happening.
For instance, would a third observer see:
a) Them walking up into the air, on an invisible ramp that leads from the beach directly to the moon, getting steeper and steeper as the moon rises? (Is this ramp, perhaps a glowing beam of light, visible to Luna and Twilight? The observer? Both? Neither?)
b) Them walking on a beam of light just over the surface of the ocean, and though the beam gets shorter as the moon rises, it doesn't rise into the air?
c) Them walking on the surface of the water, the reflection of the moon always beneath them? So, not really walking on light, but walking on a reflection. (If they appear to be on the reflection from Luna's point of view, they shouldn't from a landlocked observer's point of view, but hey, magic.)
By going back and re-examining all of the clues in the text, I'm fairly sure it's 'c.' The problem is, I could only make that determination after reading the entire scene. I could easily have (and did) started reading the scene thinking that 'a' was happening, only to encounter a clue later in the scene that wasn't compatible with that interpretation. And because I was so far into the scene, I had to stop, re-examine the clues, and then change my perception of what had been happening, during which time I had been pulled completely out of the story!
This simple change, done at the beginning of this scene, would have prevented any confusion. Instead of saying that there was some sort of possibly magical, unusual-to-us path was laid out, it simply says that the reflection of the moon looks like a path, something that we're familiar with in real life. Then, in the next paragraph, when Luna steps onto this reflection, it's made clear that what would only appear to be a path to us, functions as an actual path to them. So really, they're walking on a reflection, not light itself. I wouldn't say that I chose the best words in the best order to make this change, just that something to this effect would have increased immersion.
I hope you see how I was confused by this part of the story, and understand how it could have been prevented. Thanks for taking the time to reply! (And sorry for rambling on so long...)
Truly beautiful. Not only is it a touchingly written love confession, it also uses one of my favorite little-used Luna headcanons for wondrous effect. Thank you for a romance worthy of magic and the night.