♪ Kingdom of ships around me and it looks like I'm the queen ♫
I never thought I'd get a family of my own, let alone the one I have now. Then, one day when I got home, everything changed as soon as I saw a red cloak and the little gray Unicorn in it.
For the The More Most Dangerous Game Contest started by Obselescence and Equestria Daily.
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My Little Disarmingly-Cute, My Little Sombra, whatever you call it, I give it:
A 7/10! AKA: Decently written ButtonBelle
Why not a 10/10: 10/10s are reserved for Badass ButtonBelles, restricted to ButtonBelles only.
Why not 9/10? 9/10 is perfection for a non-ButtonBelle story, and this wasn't really perfect. I'll describe why.
Why not a 8/10? The sadness to me... It was built up correctly, I love how she ignores the box on day 1... But still, the ending sadness felt rushed. From instantly knowing who it was, not getting all "whathehay" like I expected, the chunky bits here and there...
But everything else felt fluent and awesome! Great pacing (For the most part), cleverly done dialogue, it just made it feel polished.
Hope you at least make it to the top 3,
ButtonMash.
5546560
Yeah, the ending was rushed for me too... But I was dangerously close the limit and I didn't want to cut anything out... I was really trying to keep as much in as possible, but the ending could have been better, I know. I panicked a bit.
This is the thing that came to mind first as soon as I saw the title and read the entire thing:
The mother would be Veronica, Sombra would be her son, and I think this is what happened after she saw Sombra leave. He was her family after all, her first real family, and she'd probably be taking it hard. Just pay attention to the lyrics, and you might be in tears.
5546614
AN ACTUAL LINE OF THE SONG IS "I'M SORRY MY SWEET BABY I WISH I'D BEEN THERE."
THAT IS NOT OK, I AM NOT OK.
Sombra. Is. AWESOME!!!
5546576
Is it wrong that I want o see more of this?
The feels, the feels are real. Not as strong as with my little dashie, but pretty damn close. I say this for you Harmony you never cease to amaze me
bit.ly/15GYWsu
bit.ly/1D5u5Qz
bit.ly/1yRtYZE
5546664 wut if FNAF is just a metaphor for your story ERMAGAWD! CONSPIRASY THEORIEZ!
D'aw. Heartfelt and dramatic.
And the mental picture of little Sombra dragging around his cloak is just adorable.
Though, I have a minor complaint.
The flu, or influenza, is an illness caused by a virus. Antibiotics are against bacteria, they will do nothing here. In heavy cases of the flu, you can give the patient antiviral drugs.
Or you can make the illness a bronchitis or sinusitis, those can get pretty bad with children too and are caused by bacteria.
That's just a pharmaceutical technichian nitpicking.
5546664 I AM SO SORRY
NO REGRETSYou must write a sequel where she visits her little ex tirano
Great story!
Hope you get into the top 3.
Not quite on the level of my little dashie as far as "the feels" goes, but it was still pretty good, maybe i have just already shed my tears for the story. I thouroughly enjoyed it, as i have enjoyed all your other stories, my only criticism though would be that this could have been a little longer, but that is really it, and if the only complaint is that there is not enough of something, thats a pretty good sign.
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Bravo, HarmonyCharmer. You've managed to write another story that gave me the warm fuzzies while simultaneously stabbing me in the heart. Keep up the great work!
Neat.
Awesome story as usual, but, as a person from Chile, I have to correct some lines. "Le estaba diciendo a mamá para conseguir un novio es todo." Should probably be "Solo le estaba diciendo a mamá que se deberia buscar un novio"
I have, however, been out of the country since age six, so don't take it for granted. I will point out more as I read.
I must dont cry... I must dont CRY!
Excellent. The last story I read in this contest was A Diamond and a Tether, and usually when I read something that good, everything else pales in comparison. But this held its own. You did a lot right in reimagining MLD, and I very much enjoyed this. :)
Not bad. I love the dialogue of Sombra growing up as a kid.
This story was nice. What else do you have?
I really enjoyed this story a lot.