NI!
Once again, we return to the world of Equis. A world of magic and excitement. Where adventure abounds and the count of adventurers numerous. With tranquility at ones...whatever they have at the end of their legs. A world…..
“I”LL MISS YOU!”
“I”LL MISS YOU MORE!”
A world filled with overdramatic, cry babies.
Chrysalis groaned as she watched Sugar and Steven cry. The little filly was held in Steven’s scrawny arms. The two had been blubbering and whimpering for quite some time. It made her wonder how much water those two stored within their bodies. She could literally see the river rising beneath them.‘What sorcery is this?’ The Black Knight didn’t seem to be bothered by the display. In fact, the giant stallion used the opportunity to clean with rather large broad sword.
‘Okay, enough of this.’ Chrysalis coughed into her hoof. The two whiners stopped and looked at her. “I hate to be the one to break up this…touching scene, but I would like to point out that I’ve been sitting here for THREE HOURS!” She yelled the last two words, spitting them forth with much venom.
Steven and Sugar looked at each other, and then offered her an apologetic look. He then placed her back onto the ground. “I am ever so sorry about that, miss Rove. I just got caught up in the moment.”
“The serpent does that.” The Black Knight stated, while sheathing his sword. “A lot.”
Steven huffed and crossed his arms. “Is that the thanks I get for teaching you proper modern speech? It took me so long to convince you to even consider it, that I nearly lost hope.”
“Thine efforts are for naught.” The Black Knight said, gripping his sword. “It is by my choice alone that I learned this…lazy excuse for equish.”
The giant river serpent sighed. “Some things never change.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Could we please direct this moving drama that way.” She pointed to the forest. “I’d like to get home within this millennium, if you don’t mind.”
“Very well,” The Black Knight said, making his way to the forest. “I shall lead the way.”
“Oh do take the lead, sir knight.” Chrysalis seethed. “It’s not like I don’t know my own way home.”
The stallion laughed. “Tis funny. A mare giving me directions. Truly worthy of Canterlot’s finest comedies.”
Chrysalis seemed to be turning red. She bit her bottom lipped and shook in such a way, that Steven was sure that she was about to erupt. The serpent lowered his head next to her. “Stay calm, miss Rove. He’s just insensitive. It’s a part of his character.”
“Then he needs a rewrite.” Chrysalis growled. Her horn lit up. “A little tweak here and there in his personality, and he’d as right as rain.”
“But mommy, that’s mean.” Sugar Rush spoke up. “You can’t just force him to change.”
“She’s right you know.” Steven said.
“Then how, pray tell, will I get him to become more…agreeable.”
“Become his friend, of course.” Sugar smiled.
Chrysalis just stared at her for a few moments. “Seriously?” Sugar nodded. The changeling queen rolled her eyes. ‘Like that’s ever going to happen.’ The two then trotted off after the knight.
_______________________________________________________________________________
The two ponies and changeling had been walking through the woods for what seemed like hours. The only sound was that of Sugar, who spoke up once in a while to kill the silence. She wore the simple red necklace around her neck and was fascinated by it.
“Does it make me look pretty, mommy?” Sugar asked.
“Sweetie, you didn’t need a necklace for that.” Chrysalis stated. Which was the truth. Sugar was an adorable little snack….she meant filly. “But it makes you look especially pretty.” Sugar beamed a brilliant smile her way, and the changeling soaked up the filly’s love. The queen smiled.
“Thy necklace ist tacky in the most extreme of the sense.” The Black Knight spoke up.
Chrysalis glared at him, trotting up beside him. “Oh, and how would you know?”
“My mother was a jeweler.” The Black Knight told her. “Before the Sister’s War, I worked with her in her shop.”
“But you’ve got to admit, it looks cute on her.”
“I don’t think so.” The Black Knight scoffed.
Chrysalis growled. Yes, Sugar may be just an Earth pony, but she was hers. No one talked bad about her property. “Now see here….”
The Black Knight stopped all movement and held up a hoof. “Shhh.”
“Don’t you ‘Shhh’ me.” Chrysalis said. “No one ‘Shhh’s’ me.”
“Shhh.” The knight turned on her sharpy.
“I thought I told you….”
The knight cut her off by covering her mouth with one of his huge hooves. She was shocked. ‘He’s touching me. This big oaf is touching me. The nerve.’
“Keep thy mouth closed and thy ears alert.” The Black Knight whispered. “We are not alone.”
At that, her ears perked up. Thanks to her generally superior hearing, she could hear the tale-tell sound of hooves. ‘Course, these weren’t the hooves of ponies. They were a lot more simple and quick. The knight took his hoof off her lips and she muttered “Deer”.
He nodded. “Aye,” He told her. “They are a plenty in these woods.”
“Why?”
“They think themselves lords of the Everfree.” The Black Knight explained. “They will defend their homes with a fiery passion that I am honored to have bested on more than one occasion.”
Chrysalis gulped. Deer may not have been as strong as ponies, but they were quicker and had a size advantage. She quickly turned to look at her filly. “Sugar, get inside.”
“Why?” She tilted her head, curiously.
“Don’t question me, just do it.” Chrysalis said, with some venom. The filly, looking a little frightened, ran inside. A tinge of illness afflicted her majesty, but she ignored it. Still, she felt a little guilty for scaring her needlessly.‘Strange how things change.’ She turned to the knight. “What now?”
“We press on.” The Black Knight told her. He started walking again. “Perhaps they may leave us alone.”
“What? You don’t want to confront them.” Chrysalis asked, trotting beside him. “All that bravado talk, it painted you out for somepony who went out of their way to find a fight.”
“Tis a misconception. I do not go out looking for fights. I merely enjoy the ones that befall me.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. The two kept on walking, hearing the occasional soft scuffle of some deer running about. The changeling queen could see the shadowy shapes of individuals, lurking between the trees. She could also swear that she heard angsty music.
This went on for a few moments until…..
“NI!”
Right in front of them, appearing out of nowhere, were over a dozen deer. The garments they wore were both familiar and strange. The armor was sleek and form fitting. No other race except the races of deer could make such well crafted sleek armor. The armor was colored with dark green and black stripes, fitting for the dark forest. Their helmets covered their faces well. Even their eyes were covered with a dark film. As they were deer, they were quite tall, much taller than a normal pony. The leader, who was much taller then the rest maybe even reaching the size of an alicorn, wore a long woolly black cloak. The deer were armed with spears that were mounted on their shoulders. Chrysalis also knew to be weary of their horns. All the ones before her were male obviously, so they could seriously harm her with a headbutt. A collective sound of ‘Ni’ kept rebounding from the group.
The Black Knight moved to grab his sword. “Stay your sword knight, or we shall carve your arm from out of its socket with….A SPORK!” The leader, the deer with the tallest headgear which allowed one to see his light brown face and huge bushy mustache, held up a measly spork in its hooves.
Chrysalis wanted to laugh, but saw that the Black Knight actually stopped himself. “Really?” She said out loud. “You’re afraid of a spork?”
“You have no knowledge of the power of sporks.” The Black Knight said.
“Indeed.” The deer slowly put away the utensil, keeping his eyes on them. “So tell me, wary travelers. Why do you trespass our woods?”
“Trespass?” Chrysalis asked. “These are not your woods. The Everfree is no one’s domain.”
The deer all laughed. “Naïve mare, the woods have been our home for seven hundred years.” The leader explained. “They are our safe haven. A refuge from the accursed griffons who drove us from our homelands. This place is as much our home now, as it is the monsters that dwelled in it before us.”
“Then why do you let the pony village stay unchecked within your domain?” The changeling queen said.
“Because they are not a threat to us.”
Chrysalis laughed. “Oh, I’ve heard that one before. You have no idea how vicious ponies can be.”
“Ponies? Vicious?” The deer leader seemed confused. “Are we talking about the same species?”
The Black Knight stepped forward. “Do not listen to the wench. Her mind is addled.” Chrysalis gave him a glare that cool lay dragons dead within a millisecond.
“Yes, obviously.” The deer leader nodded. “Now, back to the topic at hoof. Why are you in our woods?”
“We are merely passing through.”
The deer all laughed. “Fool. No creature can simply pass through the Everfree. Our black woods are guarded by more than just mere deer. We are a force that does not sleep. Your every move is seen and categorized.” The deer stopped putting a hoof onto his chin. “Which is very tedious and time consuming. Not to mention that there are a lot of moves that are boring and dull. Those are just placed within the recycle bin.” He then shook his head, getting back into ‘serious mode’. “This is a cursed forest, riddled with plants and creatures that could swallow a whole pony hole. The very air itself carries the stench of death…”
“You’re making that up.” Chrysalis pointed out.
“Okay, it doesn’t reek.” The leader grumbled. “But it’s still a nasty place, guarded by the most powerful deer in existence. Not with ten-thousand ponies could you take it from us. Not even her majesty Celestia, bless her soul, could pry it from our hooves. For we are…”
“Pause for dramatic effect.” One of the other deer spoke up.
“THE DEER WHO SAY NI!” Chrysalis could swear she heard some ominous music with that line.
The others piped up, jittering about saying the word. For some reason, the Black Knight started cowering. Chrysalis simply raised an eyebrow. “The Deer Who Say Ni. That’s what you call yourselves?”
“Well TDWSN for short, but we prefer the long version. Much more threatening.”
“Yeah, not really.”
“What?”
“It’s not really threatening. I mean, Ni isn’t threatening.”
“WENCH SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” The Black Knight shouted. He was probably glaring at her from underneath the helmet. “These are The Deer Who Say Ni. None may live in these woods without their say-so.”
“But you said you’ve dealt with countless of their kind.” Chrysalis brought up.
The Black Knight shifted nervously. The leader glared at him. “Is what the wench saying true?”
‘I am not a wench, you wankers.’ Chrysalis thought, but stilled her tongue. Now was not the time for insults….Why the others didn’t think so was beyond her. ‘Obviously their too stupid to even consider it.’
“Well, thy knights harassed me, from time to time.” The Black Knight stated. “Probably due to me never allowing them across my bridge.”
The deer all gasped. “You are the dreaded Black Knight?”
The Black Knight puffed his chest out and nodded. “I am.”
The leader bowed his head. “Apologies great warrior. I did not know.”
“No need to mention thine mistakes.” The Black Knight said.
“Wait, so does that mean we can pass?” Chrysalis asked.
The deer all laughed. “Buck no.” The leader stated, causing the queen to frown. “But it does mean that if you choose to fight, it’ll be that much more interesting.”
“Look,” Chrysalis said. “Is there any way we can go forth through the forest without fighting?”
The deer leader’s expression became blank. “No fighting?” He rubbed his chin. “Never thought of that one before.” Suddenly, his eyes widened and a smirk appeared on his face. “Yes there is. You must find…”
“Pause for dramatic effect.” The same background deer said.
“A MAP!”
The other deer echoed the request. “A map?” Chrysalis tilted her head, giving a ‘you serious’ expression.
“Yes, but not just any map. You must find….”
“Pause for dramatic effect.”
“A TREASURE MAP!”
Chrysalis facehooved.‘They’re serious.’ “The Deer Who Say Ni,” The Black Knight spoke. “You are both just and fair. We shall find you a treasure map and bring it back to you post-haste.”
“Very good.” The deer leader said.
“Mommy, can I come out now?” Sugar spoke up from within the wagon.
“You have a filly with you?” The deer leader asked. “In these woods?”
“Yeah, so?” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow.
“Nothing, nothing.” The deer leader said. “Maybe I could be allowed to see her.”
Chrysalis sighed.‘Well, it wouldn’t hurt.’ “Sugar, you can come out now.”
The little filly slowly opened the door, before zooming over to her mother’s side. She looked up at the deer, fearfully.
“SO CUTE!” The deer leader smiled, making the ‘wub you’ face.
“M-m-mommy. Who are they?” Sugar asked her ‘mother’.
“We are The Deer Who Say Ni.” The leader spoke. “My name is Ickyickyickyickybetangzumboingzom.” The three just stared at him, causing him to sigh. “But you may call me…”
“Pause for dramatic effect.”
“TIM!”
“Are you going to keep doing that?” Chrysalis said.
“Doing what?” Tim asked.
“The whole ‘Pause for dramatic effect’, then shouting your name while some ominous music plays in the background.”
“…..Yes.” Tim said. Chrysalis groaned.
____________________________________________________________________________
The group made their way back to the town. Once there, they came across Steven Magnet and there was much rejoicing.
“YAY!” Two voices could be heard, while the tell-tale sound of a feminine groan sounded off.
They split up into groups. Three to be precise, including The Black Knight, since he didn’t want to go about questioning ponies about maps. He’s not much of a sociable pony. (No duh.)
___________________________________________________________________________
Steven swam all the way up the town and back. Not many ponies even came close to him, let alone come to the river’s edge. ‘It was something about crocodiles, but that’s just silly. There aren’t any crocodiles in the Everfree.’
Just then, a pegasus mare went flying by, coming to stop near him. She was light green and sported a fabulous yellow mane. “Whoa, what are you?”
Steven was shocked with that question, as was visible on his face. “What am I? Haven’t you ever heard of a river serpent?”
She shook her head. “Can’t say that I have.” She told him. “So, what’re you doing here? You’re not trying to gobble up some innocent bystanders, are you?” Steven looked absolutely horrified.‘Me. Actually killing someone. OUTRAGIOUS!’ The mare just started laughing. “Sorry, but I had to see that face. Priceless.”
Steven huffed and crossed his arms. “How rude.”
“Oh, don’t be like that. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” The mare told him. She then lent out a hoof. “The name’s Lightning Dust. The fastest mare in all the world.”
“Steven Magnet.” He said, taking her hoof and shaking it. It felt quite small in his hands. “The most fabulous serpent in the Everfree. By the way, where ever did you get that fabulous hair style?”
“Family trade mark.” Lightning smirked. “An awesome mare’s got to have an awesome hairstyle. It’s like the old saying goes. ‘If you’ve got it, flaunt it’.”
“I do agree with you there.” Steven shared a smug smile, combing a hand across his mane. “What’s a mare like you doing around these parts?”
“Oh, just exploring.” Lightning Dust grinned.
Suddenly, he remembered something. “Wait, I just remembered something. Do you by any chance know where I can find some maps?”
Lightning tapped her hoof on her chin. “Can’t say that I do?” Steven’s face fell. “But I’ll help you look for them.”
“You would?”
Lightning nodded. “It’s the least I could do for jesting you like that.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Chrysalis and Sugar strolled the town, asking away. For some reason, whenever she asked for maps they shied away. Finally, she stopped beside a grey old mare in ragged dirty brown cloak. “Old mare, do you by any chance know where we can find a map.”
The mare cringed. “Who sent you?”
“The Deer Who Say Ni.”
Again, she cringed. “Ahh, there are no maps here.” The old mare said. “Go away,”
“Look,” Chrysalis started. “I’ve had a long day. A really long day and I don’t need an old pony making it even longer. So tell me where I can find a map or I shall…” Chrysalis peaked a look at Sugar. She couldn’t do anything harmful to the old mare while she was looking. That would scar her. No, she had to find another way…’That’s it.’ She remembered the way The Black Knight kept cringing when they said Ni. Maybe it was just because of their voices, but she’d give it a shot. “I shall say Ni.”
The mare cringed as though struck. “No.”
“Very well,” Chrysalis stuck her snout up, snootily. “If you will not comply with my simple demand, I shall say it again…NI!”
“No.”
“NI!”
“Nuuu.”
Chrysalis looked down at Sugar, who had also pitched in. “No, no. It’s Ni. Like knee.” She pointed to her front knee joint.
“Ni?”
“Yes,” Chrysalis smiled.
“NI!” They both kept saying, that is until…
“Are you two saying Ni to that old mare?” It was a strange voice, obviously holding an accent that she was all too familiar with.
The two looked over to see a better dressed, but still ragged, griffon. He was riding upon a large, Timberwolf pulled cart. Which obviously meant he was quite adept with animals, since only the most animal adept sentients could tame the beasts. “Ummm, yes.” Chrysalis smiled sheepishly, a little embarrassed to be seen like that.
“Oh, what sad times we live in.” The griffon stated. “There is a darkness upon the world. An evil from the blackest of hearts. Not even us griffons are free from its taint.”
“Might I ask, who are you?” Chrysalis said.
“I am Albin, the mapmaker.” The griffon bowed his head. “I am a map connoisseur. I collect, design, and create maps.”
“Ni.” Sugar rushed forth, only to be held back by Chrysalis’s magic.
“No Sugar,” Chrysalis put a hoof on her shoulder. “We don’t Ni mapmakers.”
“Ohhh, okay.” Sugar said.
___________________________________________________________________________
Sometime later, near the time of fading daylight….
“The Deer Who Say Ni,” The Black Knight stated. “We have brought you a map. May we go now?”
Tim was currently gazing over the map. “It is a good map. A very good map.”
“So, can we go already?” Chrysalis said.
“You…” Tim was cut off when a fellow deer came racing up to him. He was panting hard. “What is it?”
“The village. *pant* It’s under attack.”
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Lightning Dust may be a bitch, but she's interesting.
Polish.
My life is complete.
Thank you.
And now every Polish guy will comment about Polish accent :P
This is starting to remind me of Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Please continue.
2357167 Sorry for those things. I didn't know how to edit really until not long ago. (You'll notice later chapters have that.) I'll go and clean them up once I finish the next chapter, which, I hope, doesn't take too long.
(Ah, they should make the saying 'Never judge a story by the first chapter'. Many great stories have less then steller firsts. But as long as they hook you in, they're fine.)
This is sounding really familiar.
Warning: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
So I've read this, Evo, and here shall be my thoughts on it. Before I begin, I would like to say that you should feel neither discouraged nor insulted with this; it is only meant to offer suggestions that may benefit you.
So the overarching plot of this story is Chrysalis disguises herself as the mother of a filly so she can draw on her love, in order to be able to fly back home to her Changeling hive. This takes place shortly after the attack on Canterlot, so most of the Changelings that were taken to Canterlot are most likely dead at this point. Plotwise, this story should focus on Chrysalis's goal to get to the changeling hive, as well as the relationship between Chrysalis and Sugar Rush. Characterwise, this story should focus on Chrysalis's plight to think of her Changelings' death, her determination to get back home, and her ever-changing relationship with Sugar; as well as Sugar Rush's view of Chrysalis in her mother's body.
I think the goal to get back to her Changelings is pretty clear, and is somewhat consistent. I do believe that a problem with your plot, however, stems from the relationship between Chrysalis and Sugar Rush. It fluctuates too much for my tastes; at one moment you say Chrysalis hates her laugh, and at some other point you say that she sounds like an angel. That would be fine if the development between the two was paced well, but it's not.
Consider when Chrysalis was posing as Cadence. She tried to appeal to Shining Armor's interests, striving to make him like her. Sure, she used that spell to sap his energy, but she didn't snap at him because she needed to keep up her facade. Now, I personally think that "Royal Canterlot Wedding" was a terrible episode, and why she didn't act cordial with the other ponies is beyond me, but my point is when she was in disguise, sapping the energy, she acted differently around him.
With Sugar Rush, she doesn't even begin to be friendly around her. She snaps at her and calls her a brat, and that drives Sugar away. Chrysalis isn't even trying to hold up this persona, and that confuses me. I would think that at first Chrysalis would try and keep herself as "happy" as possible around Sugar Rush, and then at moments when her short patience snaps, she can lash out and there would be signs of conflict between them; it doesn't work like that, and to be honest, the development between Chrysalis and Sugar Rush comes off as sporadic.
In fact, I don't see where this is headed. I will say that it's nice that Chrysalis bought something for Sugar Rush like Rove promised, but it's uncertain where their relationship is headed. There's no sign that Sugar Rush and Rove were going anywhere before, making me think that they live as nomads; but if all they're doing is wandering around, then there should be some sign that there's a passage of time, to keep us grounded. The closest thing I can see that would accomplish this is the withering away of Sugar Rush, since she will die in a few weeks if Chrysalis keeps feeding off of her. Somehow, though, she's still fine and dandy. I suppose the problem is that there's no sign of the passage of time, making this story wander aimlessly.
Well, not entirely aimlessly. The plot with the Changelings is good, and I think the tie-in with the story was great (the story itself was good). However, like my previous complaint, there doesn't seem to be a passage of time where she's growing. She may be growing stronger, but if she were getting stronger, there should be some sense that her connection to the Changelings is getting stronger. That would create a sense of tension in terms of time: how are the Changelings doing at this point?
Addressing your other characters,
I'll admit that I laughed at that part. I very much like your interpretation of Steven Magnet, and the black knight is a cool character. Lightning Dust and the shopkeeper also make nice cameos.
Then we get to the Monty-Python-related humor... and I personally think it falls flat because there's too much of a resemblance to The Quest for the Holy Grail (but that doesn't mean you should change anything about it).
Grammar-wise, it's fairly bad. I can't point out any consistent errors you made (I think the most consistent would be a misuse of apostrophes), but there are a lot of various errors. You should perhaps find an editor for your later chapters.
That is my opinion on your story. The thing I'd like to see most in this is a sign that things are moving forward, like Sugar Rush feeling drained or withering, or Chrysalis becoming more attuned to the slowly dying Changelings. As it is, it feels stagnant. Your characterization is nice, but it doesn't develop in a fluid manner, making it seem spotty at places. The other characters you use, however, are nice.
That's it from me, unless you want me to focus on something specific. I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!
2481279 Hey, I just wanted to check to see if my comment wasn't too harsh or mean or anything, and that you still intend on continuing your story. It's not bad by any means, I don't think. I really hope you plan on continuing it.
2503650 Well, you did give me somethings to look over and think about. I admit to some grammar mistakes and using commas too much. I don't know why I do that.
)
Yeah, you may notice a lot of stuff like that in my stories. The reason is, is that I'm doing this on my own and I have a wandering mind. A wandering mind that gets out of control and will create the strangest of things. (small spoiler, but Celestia isn't a pure Alicorn.
Occasionally I think of getting a co-writer or editor, but I never get around to it.
The sporadic relationship between Chrysalis and Sugar rush was actually intentional, though I'm sorry if it confused you. I'll try and clear it up within this next chapter or two.
Yeah, the Monty Python stuff...To be honest, I can see why you won't find it funny, but that's just it. It's not supposed to be funny. I wanted to take those humorous characters and add some more depth to them.
And Sugar isn't drained yet will be explained as well soon enough.
2503825 Okay. I'm glad you are planning on continuing it.