Chrysalis was broken and defeated. Had she not come across a loving mother and child, she would be dead. But she need to feed, and thus an idea struck her.
(This is a tie in with both Resistance: Equestria and Chaotica.)
Chapters (12)
Evowizard25
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Nice, i like the posibilities of this fic.
you sir have a new watcher and fan.
523678 Thanks. That's what I wanted to hear.
(I was a bit worried with the first dislike, but now, I think I can manage.)
And yes, this story will hold quite a lot, so don't worry.
Interesting. Let us see where this goes.
523689 No need to thank me my friend, and in my opinion you didnt deserved that dislike.
Keep on writing my Friend.
523689
Dislikes are completely fine. If people would only learn to comment on what made them dislike it. Someone that isn't explaining himself for thumbing down, is in most cases just an obvious troll or picked the story up despite disliking the genre.
524539 Ya, that's frustrating. If they didn't like something, then they should say so. Maybe I would change something, or take their thoughts into consideration for a future chapter.
Oh and thanks.
Interesting idea. I can't wait to see what you have planned for Chrysalis to get that love.
I have to tell you now that Queen Chrysalis is not my favorite villain. (Discord Forever!) I do love how you have set up this story! It's perfect, if I may say so myself. I am going to look to your stories for guidance every time I review another story. Since it is the first chapter, I can not fully describe my feelings for it, but what I do feel is a story raising to match the greatness of you other work.
P.S. This site needs a Discord emoticon! That would make this site 20 percent cooler!
530299 YES! another satisfied customer. (And don't fret, my friend. There's a lot that this story has to offer.)
(Yes, yes it does...Celestia needs her little Dissy Wissy.
)
Murphy Laws at it's worst everyone! Letting someone die is like murdering the person in cold blood! If she hurts that little girl......I hope Chrysalis gets what's coming to her and fast!
Putting my personal feelings aside, this has taken a very dark turn. I didn't expect that. It is different than your other stories. I don't know if I like the feelings I'm getting from reading this as it has me in a furious state of mind, but that's just me. Sorry, feelings again. It is a good chapter and it gets the reader emotional, something that is rare in fan fiction.
534527 Each of my stories are different in their own ways. That being said, I wanted to try my hand in the darker kind of stories. (Reasoning, because some of my stories will be taking dark tones. Resistance: Equestria will, as you saw in the last chapter of it. Does that mean it will always be so. No, but this is how the story plays out.) Hopefully I didn't discourage you from reading this.
That being said, the main reason that this story was written is because Chrysalis fits the bill of what I need. There are a lot of things in Resistance I didn't know how to explain, but when she came around, BAM! The ideas struck.
That being said, this story will not always be so dark. I never intend to wallow in such feelings. (I avoid grimdark stories like the plague.)
This could get interesting, tracking...for now.
I like the way you ended this chapter. It pulses with foreshadowing which I love! Definitely keeping my eye on this fic.
And I don't blame Chrysalis. Kids whining is like nails on a bloody blackboard.
Hmmm....Chrys? Comforting a filly?..... Something's going on here, but I'm not sure what....
On a scale of 1 to yay, This gets a
So far she's doing well keeping up the charade! I'm bracing myself for when Rush catches on though, 'cause I know it'll be quite a moment!
Reading the scene about the hairbrush just makes me soooo glad to have hands!
I really dig how you're hinting at a double edge to the Changeling power. It's a very cool concept, and in the context of this story and how I'm imagining it panning out, it'll really add to the drama later on! I'm really liking this story!
what if the filly comes across her mothers body O_O RAINBOW FACES
Well, how does a changeling feed of love? What, do they eat the pony or something?
625450 Maybe they make out with their victim I think.
Ask Shining Armor because his love got sucked out once.
1870631 No. They most likely feed off the energy that love and other good emotions create. And that way...would never make it's way into this fic. Chrysalis is no pedofoal.
I like the way Chrysalis's relationship with Rush is developing. It's building gradually, and the emotions she's starting feel are getting obviously stronger but not so quickly that it feels rushed. Great work! I also found the background and history part of the story pretty neat!
Please fix wall of text, by either indention or double spacing. It'll help the viewers stay focused in my opinion.
Good chapter Evo, nice to see an update from you.
I wouldn't be surprised if Steven knew more than he lets on...
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRO2bqJe_L0Dm7Q2lRfb82BvF8Jw7Wl8SEgARk1IM7aZFHoQb8_9w
I can't be the only one who thought this.
2083950 A scratch? Your arms off.
2084714 And you are a winner!
Despite the blatant murder of Sugar's mom, this is rather entertaining.
2088450 I do try.
I'm wondering how this fic will end. I mean we have Chrysalis growing close to the filly Sugar Rush, Steven magnet and now a Black Knight. I wonder what would happen if Sugar Rush found out about her Mom? Would Chrysalis be paralyzed by the hate and sadness?
625450 they dont need food, food to them is like water to us they can eat it but it can only sustain them for a little while without love they would eventually die.
however i do not know if there meat eaters or not.
they are insect like creatures so they can survive on less then any creature fact the love that she got from armour could have fed her entire hive for a good couple of years.
but herself as the queen probly needs more too survive for many possible reasons.
well this wont end well
she may be the queen of the changlings but shes the worst at pretending too be the person shes mimicing.
its kinda sad really
karma is a bitch and right know karma has her sights on the queen of the changlings
Lightning Dust may be a bitch, but she's interesting.
Polish.
My life is complete.
Thank you.
And now every Polish guy will comment about Polish accent :P
This is starting to remind me of Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Please continue.
Alright, this isn't a bad fic. But there is always room for improvement, and with a little of that, this would be a great fic.
Tracking.
There are two things that stuck out with the format that you should fix.
1) Give paragraphs spacing. Wall o'text is a big turn-off for most readers, and makes it hard to keep track of what I'm reading. Spacing it just makes it so much better on the eyes, and ensures the reader doesn't miss/skim over crucial things.
2) Italics for thoughts. I know that using 'this' was popular with older books- like Sherlock Holmes- but personally, it's less confusing to use italics for thoughts and emphasis, and its easier on the eyes, too.
Besides those two things, there's not much to go on with the first chapter. Is Chrysalis going be redeemed? Is she going to drain those ponies of love? He'll, I dunno.
2357167 Sorry for those things. I didn't know how to edit really until not long ago. (You'll notice later chapters have that.) I'll go and clean them up once I finish the next chapter, which, I hope, doesn't take too long.
(Ah, they should make the saying 'Never judge a story by the first chapter'. Many great stories have less then steller firsts. But as long as they hook you in, they're fine.)
Dayum
. Chryssy did a little switcherroo at the expense o the mom? That's... An interesting turn of things.
It's all good, though.
Anywho, just a few spelling errors here. Namely, was the title spelled Deciet on purpose?
This is sounding really familiar.
Warning: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
So I've read this, Evo, and here shall be my thoughts on it. Before I begin, I would like to say that you should feel neither discouraged nor insulted with this; it is only meant to offer suggestions that may benefit you.
So the overarching plot of this story is Chrysalis disguises herself as the mother of a filly so she can draw on her love, in order to be able to fly back home to her Changeling hive. This takes place shortly after the attack on Canterlot, so most of the Changelings that were taken to Canterlot are most likely dead at this point. Plotwise, this story should focus on Chrysalis's goal to get to the changeling hive, as well as the relationship between Chrysalis and Sugar Rush. Characterwise, this story should focus on Chrysalis's plight to think of her Changelings' death, her determination to get back home, and her ever-changing relationship with Sugar; as well as Sugar Rush's view of Chrysalis in her mother's body.
I think the goal to get back to her Changelings is pretty clear, and is somewhat consistent. I do believe that a problem with your plot, however, stems from the relationship between Chrysalis and Sugar Rush. It fluctuates too much for my tastes; at one moment you say Chrysalis hates her laugh, and at some other point you say that she sounds like an angel. That would be fine if the development between the two was paced well, but it's not.
Consider when Chrysalis was posing as Cadence. She tried to appeal to Shining Armor's interests, striving to make him like her. Sure, she used that spell to sap his energy, but she didn't snap at him because she needed to keep up her facade. Now, I personally think that "Royal Canterlot Wedding" was a terrible episode, and why she didn't act cordial with the other ponies is beyond me, but my point is when she was in disguise, sapping the energy, she acted differently around him.
With Sugar Rush, she doesn't even begin to be friendly around her. She snaps at her and calls her a brat, and that drives Sugar away. Chrysalis isn't even trying to hold up this persona, and that confuses me. I would think that at first Chrysalis would try and keep herself as "happy" as possible around Sugar Rush, and then at moments when her short patience snaps, she can lash out and there would be signs of conflict between them; it doesn't work like that, and to be honest, the development between Chrysalis and Sugar Rush comes off as sporadic.
In fact, I don't see where this is headed. I will say that it's nice that Chrysalis bought something for Sugar Rush like Rove promised, but it's uncertain where their relationship is headed. There's no sign that Sugar Rush and Rove were going anywhere before, making me think that they live as nomads; but if all they're doing is wandering around, then there should be some sign that there's a passage of time, to keep us grounded. The closest thing I can see that would accomplish this is the withering away of Sugar Rush, since she will die in a few weeks if Chrysalis keeps feeding off of her. Somehow, though, she's still fine and dandy. I suppose the problem is that there's no sign of the passage of time, making this story wander aimlessly.
Well, not entirely aimlessly. The plot with the Changelings is good, and I think the tie-in with the story was great (the story itself was good). However, like my previous complaint, there doesn't seem to be a passage of time where she's growing. She may be growing stronger, but if she were getting stronger, there should be some sense that her connection to the Changelings is getting stronger. That would create a sense of tension in terms of time: how are the Changelings doing at this point?
Addressing your other characters,
I'll admit that I laughed at that part. I very much like your interpretation of Steven Magnet, and the black knight is a cool character. Lightning Dust and the shopkeeper also make nice cameos.
Then we get to the Monty-Python-related humor... and I personally think it falls flat because there's too much of a resemblance to The Quest for the Holy Grail (but that doesn't mean you should change anything about it).
Grammar-wise, it's fairly bad. I can't point out any consistent errors you made (I think the most consistent would be a misuse of apostrophes), but there are a lot of various errors. You should perhaps find an editor for your later chapters.
That is my opinion on your story. The thing I'd like to see most in this is a sign that things are moving forward, like Sugar Rush feeling drained or withering, or Chrysalis becoming more attuned to the slowly dying Changelings. As it is, it feels stagnant. Your characterization is nice, but it doesn't develop in a fluid manner, making it seem spotty at places. The other characters you use, however, are nice.
That's it from me, unless you want me to focus on something specific. I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!
2481279 Hey, I just wanted to check to see if my comment wasn't too harsh or mean or anything, and that you still intend on continuing your story. It's not bad by any means, I don't think. I really hope you plan on continuing it.
2503650 Well, you did give me somethings to look over and think about. I admit to some grammar mistakes and using commas too much. I don't know why I do that.
)
Yeah, you may notice a lot of stuff like that in my stories. The reason is, is that I'm doing this on my own and I have a wandering mind. A wandering mind that gets out of control and will create the strangest of things. (small spoiler, but Celestia isn't a pure Alicorn.
Occasionally I think of getting a co-writer or editor, but I never get around to it.
The sporadic relationship between Chrysalis and Sugar rush was actually intentional, though I'm sorry if it confused you. I'll try and clear it up within this next chapter or two.
Yeah, the Monty Python stuff...To be honest, I can see why you won't find it funny, but that's just it. It's not supposed to be funny. I wanted to take those humorous characters and add some more depth to them.
And Sugar isn't drained yet will be explained as well soon enough.
2503825 Okay. I'm glad you are planning on continuing it.