Rolling Wonder
Joined 7th Apr, 2012 ·
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I like the fetish, but the execution could be better. For starters, colouring each character's name doesn't really help with the immersion. The pace is too fast (there could be more buildup; it barely started and then it was over). The description itself is, pun not intended, rather dry and telly. It reads more like notes to the fic rather than a proper story.
Also, it may be my personal preference, but "virgin love tunnel" sounds to me like some ride in a theme park...
5446801
I colored each character's name to help with determining who each pronoun was referring to.
I didn't know what else to say, to make it longer.
Again, I didn't know what else to say. (This is the first story I ever wrote.)
Sounding like that wasn't intended; I was just trying to avoid just calling it her pussy, since I felt that term wouldn't fit in as well. (No pun intended.)
5446959
Well, anything is better than 'cunt' (it's fine in dialogue, but it bugs me in narration).
How would sweetie know what chiken taste like ponies don't eat meat?
5447073
I hate the word "cunt" too.
5447093
I didn't think of that.
5447104 lol the only reason I asked is because I thought I missed something explaining it
5447120
She said it as a joke, because of this from season 1:
The CMC want to 'help' Spike.
It should be. Prologue, not a Epilogue
5448787
Oh, thank you.
(I fixed it in the title, but I'm not sure if I can change it in the URL.)
I really like this story and would love to see what comes next.
5446959 fillyhood or foal hole
Love the fetish but this story needs alot of fixing up cuz it didn't feel like I was reading a story but other then that it was goof
I didn't understand what the colour was about in comments, now I know, please, do something about it, it makes the text very hard to read (plus I have problems reading red fonts, I doubt I'm the only one in this case).
And others said it, it's too short.
5449613
Thank you. I'll change it to one of those terms.
5449636
Can you think of a better way to help determine who each pronoun refers to?
5450249
Yes, giving their name, some of their attributes (the yellow filly, the little pegasus, the pink earth filly, etc.... some of their traits, the farm pony, the bully, etc...)
That's what most people do, and you'll see, it will eventually help you to make your chapters longer.
Add details, descriptions, feelings, etc....
To be honest, for now I didn't read it, I'm not kidding when I say I can't read red font, it gives me headaches. If the pronouns are misleading, without colors, that means you're doing something wrong.
Another piece of advice, if it's you first fic, you should avoid putting so much characters in the same scene. You can also group them. For example, the first sentence, you name all apple ponies, but you could say "after visiting the apple/farm ponies".
5450299
I'm editing it now... While I'm changing names to descriptions, do you think I should also avoid using their initials?
EDIT: I'm done editing it, so you can read it. (In the process, I added 26 more words.)
5450868
Yes, you should avoid. If they are speaking, Scootaloo refearing to Apple Bloom can say AB.
But not in the narration.
Well, I'll try reading it.
5451060
Ok.
Let me know if you have any more suggestions.
Not bad. Though execution is far from perfect, I like the idea and I'm looking forward to reading more chapters.
5446959
Use imagination. Imagine you're one of the fillies. How do they feel? Humiliated, and they blush and look aside? Naughty and they grin and lick their lips? Aroused and they feel juices trickling down their legs? How good is it to relieve the pressure, what does pee tastes like, smells like... And don't forget that for better immersion, you can always pee on your hand and understand how it really feels. Feel the stream, the temperature both during peeing and after your skin cools off... Sure, you don't have fur, but imagine that you have. Imagine how it becomes darker with wet spots, how the smell sticks to fur...
When you're saying that Diamond Tiara spanked Silver Spoon, describe what Tiara feels, how she wants to "punish" her friend, how her butt becomes red and hot, how her muscles contract under her hoof; describe what Spoon feels, how she feels pain and pleasure, how she (dis)likes the feel of her friend's hoof on her butt, how she whinces and whines to relieve pain; describe what CMC feel, how they become aroused at the sight, how they are surprised, how they fight with a desire to join them, how they want to punish both of them...
You shouldn't just list events, you should let the story flow, let the characters develop it themselves.
5455376
Thank you for so much advice.
I'll edit it soon, taking your advice into account.
I was more thinking this as pee desperation not other crap
5457400
It's some pee desperation and other
crapstuff.5457681 still not what I was expecting
Well written but it was a little rushed
5458667
I'm working on improving it. (Like I said in an earlier comment, this is the first story I wrote.)
5456050
Let me know when you edit the story.
5462644
Ok.
lnomsim is helping me edit it on Google Docs. When they're done suggesting edits, (& I've reviewed them,) I'll copy/paste the edits here, & let you know.
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I am going to dedicate myself to reading this thing. It's my God-given duty.
Never mind. I just can't do it.
5462644 (& everypony else who has been waiting)
I'm sorry about the delay, but I've finally uploaded the revised version of the prologue & the CMC's chapter.
5599938
I hope you can read it now that I've revised it.
Who's a peeing next?
5629952
I'm still deciding.
I wrote & published the prologue & first chapter before getting feedback on them, & ended up editing them a lot. So, for all other chapters, I'll write them on Google Docs, and move them here only after I'm done editing them.
You've made great progress! Awesome!
5676945
Thank you.
5629952 5630829
Over the past couple of months, I've been working on a chapter with 2 of the Mane 6. The basic idea of the chapter is done, but I'm still working on improving it.
Thanks for linking me to Chapter 2.
6784673
You're welcome... The Twilight & Rarity chapter isn't complete yet, & I'm not sure how soon it will be.
6789678 Did you get any PM's from me?
6790132
No.
6790952 Oh. Expect one then. Maybe I could get help with MY stories.
When is the next one?
More good