Pinkie isn't feeling quite up to Party Pony snuff lately, and goes to the library to relax among the books that the pony she loves treasures, not realizing that Twilight can hear Pinkie as she ruffles among the shelves. What will Twilight hear, and how will she react? And what will it take to get Pinkie to smile again?
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Nicely done
Twinkie Pie? You have my attention!
I'm pretty sure that Pinkie sung that in this girl's voice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRFyKRlPfEg
Nicely written. The pace was nice, and the words were simple and flowing. You had minor grammar errors, a double repeating word, and some punctuational errors. Otherwise, it was really nice. I can't wait to read more!
Oh, you already came out with the other chapter! Time to read on!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
Interesting chapter, and as I read on, I do tend to become more of a proofreader with each chapter. Hopefully, you don't take anything I say personally, for my job is to only help other improve. I may point out more wrongs than rights, but in the end, I will still tell you that your story was great. So, let's get started.
First problem I saw with this chapter was you don't double space. By this I mean you don't press the "Enter" button twice. This is usually practiced on this site, for people tend to complain about looking at the paragraphs as "a wall of text". Therefore, they prefer to have the double space, so the words don't blind them.
The problem to follow the paragraphs is that you have some of your paragraphs indented and others not. I would suggest choose either on, for both are fine to work with unless they are together in the same story.
Previously, when I read, I saw this section of the story:
There is a specific button, called the horizontal line, which acts as a scene changer for stories. The bbc to use this is [hr ] without the space, and it is a better preference than trying to make your own. Also, because you mentioned that they were going to head to the lake, there isn't a need to put "At the lake", for your readers will be aware that the characters are at the lake when you have the horizontal line.
This is a personal opinion, so you don't have to take it; however, I am an original. When I watched MLP, we called Ditsy Doo "Derpy Hooves", for it was her name-before iTunes added MLP to their list of shows to buy and changed the name. I still hold the video in which Rainbow calls her Derpy, so when I see Ditsy, it is really weird.
Your characterization is good. You can tell that each character has their own personality and don't match, which is key to stories. Your visualization is decent because you do have some visualization but not a lot. This is not a bad thing though, and I don't expect you to attempt to ameliorate your visuals by creating hyperbole's-or creating vivid details for the single blade of grass amongst the many the filleted across the earth.
I typically don't tell people to change anything in their story because it is your story, and I expect you to tell me how this story is going to begin; how it is supposed to end. As far as what I have read, you are doing fine as you are, and there is no need to change anything.
The concept of your story is unique and original, specifically for the pair you have chosen, and I wanted to just ask you about a couple questions about your story. I like to understand some authors, but you don't have to answer them if you don't want to.
What brought upon this idea for your story?
Why did you chose this pairing over the several others?
What are your thoughts on the pair?
What made you want to join this site?
What brought on your passion for writing?
Thanks for the answer if you give them, and if you don't, well thanks anyways. I look forward to more chapters to follow.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
Aw this is so cute! But... flutterjack. I'm having some trouble wrap pin my head around that one. But I can't wait to see how this goes!
This is your first? Dayum you have talent.
10 out of ten so far
So I came for the TwiPie, and now I learn this has AppleShy in it as well... Do we just like all the same ships or something?
Anyways, I'd have to say I like this chapter better than the last one, simply cause the pacing seems to be much better. Have a fav.
Hopefully This will be a good and long story.I have seen many TwiPie storys fall short of 1,000 words. would like see a story that at lest gets to 50,000 words.
I can't wait for more! This is awesome.
In reply to Soto Konoha, I have always been an avid fan of MLP in its most recent style, which has always fueled my interest in writing fanfiction about the characters. I think that there are many shippings here and there that everyone really gets into, and they become popular, and overdone. I just want to give a fresh look at some pairings, and maybe add a few new ones that people originally wouldn't have thought of. As for this site, I didn't even know about it until about a year ago when I was searching for something to fill my time. I searched for an MLP fanfiction website and was met with this. I haven't made an account until now though. I was always afraid that my writing style wouldn't be liked or that I wouldn't be very good at all at it. I suppose I'm still on shaky ground as far as whether or not I think I'm any good at it, but the positive feedback from people like you is very uplifting. I appreciate the advice and the friendly criticism, I have taken it to heart and have done my best to integrate your advice into my writing. Thanks for being a fan! That goes for all of you who enjoy the story. I appreciate your support and enjoy your pleased comments!
5398515
Well let me be one of the first to welcome you to Fim Fiction. It is a very lovely site, and everyone here lives new ideas and new people. There is no need to be afraid of anything here. Even if you write a bad fan fiction no one seems to like, don't let it hold you back and just learn from it. As far as what you have, you are good, and like everyone else there is room for improvement. As for your shipping ideas, it sounds really nice and explains the Cheerlie and Thunderlane ship you have in the story. Just as long as you stick with what you love and you are comfortable with, you are golden. Now, I have a flight to catch, so I'm going to dive into your next chapter and get ready for a now 3 chapter review/proofread.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
5398102
Stay tune, and you might find a Twinkie ship in the coming days.
I'm loving this, a lot
Overall this is turning out to be quite the interesting story. I will admit that I'm not normally a shipper of AJ/FS and TS/PP but I'm willing to give them a chance. Well done in your story and I look forward to reading more.
Have a like, a favourite and a follow!
-Frost
I'm super happy that you all are enjoying my story! If you have any questions, I'm up for the conversation and criticism of my followers, likers, and all others! Keep it nice though!
Damn it Aybee what are you trying to do, give me Diabetes?! This story is so cute and sweet, and it's pretty well written. I can only like once, but I'll try to like it more.
This is adorable as balls.
Fluffy balls.
Being played with.
By kittens.
I think Twilight should talk with Pinkie Pie about it, and Pinkie should be the one which is asking Twilight about a date, but i guess Twilight could speak about it/mention it.
Why are they so angry with Twilight?, they know nothing and it seems like they thought Twilight did something bad the whole talk long, they even didn´t apologize. There are still some things i missunderstand in english, but i think that was maybe not helping, but it seems more like they were adamant about her going out with Pinkie.
I mean why did they suddenly talk like Twilight said something bad about Filly fooler? And well yes i thought Applejack wanted only to talk with Twilight to ask her about the whole thing and her opinion, and not kind of force her into the relationship.
Maybe i am judging to fast, but i think Applejack was a bit to agressive or insisting about the whole thing. I only saw her coming in and
"what did you do with Pinkie? do you got a problem with Filly fooler? Now go on a date with her she loves you, and yes you have to do it."
I don´t know how to describe it a better way, so i needed to write all of this, but i like the fanfiction, i am just a bit suprised about that scene and i am not sure how i should understand it.
I like the story, but even if it is to late for that, i think you should not let everything happen so fast, well at least do it not if you want to end the story after they got together.
Okay i have read that you only want to keep it seven chapters long,....well it is not bad for that, after the last chapter right now i think i really like it. This chapter was really sweet and i like that Pinkie Pie was a bit more serious about the topic and wasn´t jumping all day long.
What i mean is, that way it looks really like she is caring deeply for Twilight.
I don´t know how much you want to do, but if you plan to finish the story after seven chapters (i am glad that this isn´t just one chapter), then i would like a longer sequel, maybe they could adopt a Filly or something like that, a Zeebra or a Bat Pony for a change?
I started to look for a new and good adoption Story, so i just wanted to ask you about it at least.
It looks like it would be your first story, if ist should be like that i think it is pretty good for the start, probably better like the one someone else is writing at the moment.
I like that you have tried a new pairing with Cheerilee, and even if i don´t like Doctor Whooves as much as other do ( i don´t even know that real guy), well i like what you did there, and i think i haven´t seen Appleshy in a long time. (Maybe i just missed a few fanfiction with them)
I would not think that Fluttershy could be suddenly that brave to shield the Libary for that many Ponys, but well i think you never described her as that shy, so i think it is okay.
Why where they so interested about what Twilight was doing in her Libary? I mean did they heard something unusually?, or are there some Ponys which are standing in front of her door every day?
Sorry if i should sound more unsatisfied than pleased with the fanfiction, i just think i feel like i would write a bit to much about it, but i really like it. I give you a thumb up for the fanfiction and i am ready to read more.
Awe this is so so so so so adorable I ship Taipei so much :3
Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg this is soooo adorable that I can't wait to see the next chapter :3
Alright, heads up everyone, I'm making the story a little longer, and its, well...heads up? Its about to get sexy.
....... 
You are just stacking more and more work for me. lol but that is okay. You probably won't see any of my reviews or edits until after Christmas.
That's alright Soto. And I'm sorry about the extra work!
I hope you like reading it anyways!
AJ and... Fluttershy... *blink*
It's Flutterbat, isn't it! She's hypnotized AJ! :P
I maybe said this already, but i think i had the opinion, that tis story would need to be at least a little bit faster, because everything was happening more or less very fast. That means i am more than okay with a longer story, i start to enjoy a playfull, but at the same time serious Pinkie if it comes to Twilight.
Sorry everyone, for the wait. I hope I didn't bore you all away waiting for me. There were some familial issues that I had to deal with in my absence. I apologize!
Well i always like it more, if they don´t rush anything, but it is actually pretty good, because i didn´t thought Twilight would be the one, which started the love game.
Very well written and well paced too.
I dont want to sound like a greedy child but...
MORE?!
PLEASE?!
MORE IS COMING MY CHILDREN! Lol, seriously though. More chapters on the way.
5798699
I hope so. I'm watching this one carefully and waiting for that magic completed tag.
Almost done everypony! Only a couple chapters left now. I have decided that eleven chapters will be my final point of completion, upon which I shall consider doing a prequel on Applejack and Fluttershy's get together. Or maybe I'll do them last and focus on another shipping. Perhaps something to do with the CMC...?
the story is good, but i think you make the chapters to short. You should maybe rewrite it if you finished the story, it could be even better.
Or make a new one based on that idea.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not very good at longer stories. I have a few good ideas, but almost zero idea about how to fill in the space between each event. Sorry if I disappoint with my shorter chapters...
Please update! This is an amazingly compelling story that hooked me in on the first chapter. I absolutely love the way you portray the characters and I can't wait for more!
Is there going to be more this is a great story
Yes there is. Things have been super busy as of late, but count on the finishing chapter very, very soon. I want to start the new year with a new story.
i like it and can you make a sequel for this story
6770059 I wasn't planning on making a sequel because the epilogue pretty much summed it up. But if you're really that into it, I can definitely write more TwiPie fics.
6770097 ok and i was hoping you would make a sequel where it show pinkie pie and princess twilight sparkle married life since pinkie pie did ask to marry the princess in this chapter
6770108 I suppose I could do something of that nature in the future if I get enough people asking for it.
6770292 ok
well at least they dated before the story was enging
hopefully not, I would actuallly prefer a long story, or one in which the story doesn´t end after they started dating, a bit like this one if I remember it correctly. Well it was really nice for one of the shorter storys. I really prefer the long ones, but some storys like this one, are pretty good the way they are....
I guess what I meant is you did a really good jo, the story feels nice.
6770292 I wouldn´t say no
6770108
6771157 ok
Aww what a wonderful way to end the story.
Well done
And I would love to read the sequel to this
I'll try.
It's your first fanfic and I can remember how hard it is to do your first whatever. Every first time is hard. As to be expected with such, you got some things right... and some things could use improvement.
Let's start with the flaws - as I see them, anyway -, so we can end on a nice(r) note, shall we?
Tense. You're using present when it should be simple past. All over the place, but not always. Take your pick and stick with it.
Characterization. This one's the bigger problem. It's all about what motives a certain character to do what he or she does and how they tick, so to speak. Pinkie and Twilight, as long as we're not talking about some alternate reality-versions, have a certain personality with traits and flaws as shown in the, well, actual show.
Pinkie having a rough start was fine, good even. A few minor struggles and day-to-day-scenarios add more depth to her. But why, of all ponies, would Pinkie run as soon as she realizes that Twilight 'caught' her singing about her? She's Pinkie. She could probably vanish by jumping into a pile of books and emerging in her bathtub at home. She could try to bluff Twilight into believing that she heard a ghost spook around. Twilight wouldn't buy that, of course - but Pinkie could and maybe even would try anyway. There are so many ways she could've reacted. Running through the whole town while bawling her eyes out just isn't Pinkie. It's more of a reaction to be expected from Fluttershy.
Twilight, on the other side... is waiting for her special somepony to sweep her off her hooves? She's clearly spending way to much time with Rarity. Okay, in all earnest, though: Maybe she really is waiting to be wooed. And Pinkie's right there. Singing about her. In her own library. (Which, by the way, wasn't the smartest move anyway, Pinks...) She's confused by this sudden revelation, okay. But this confusion is clearing up way to fast. With life-style-depending and life-changing questions tagged on like "What will princess Celestia think about this?", "What will my other friends think of me?" and "Do I even like mares...?"
Maybe she's to confused to react. Didn't seem to be that way, though. And given that she seems to be perfectly fine after just a few seconds: She's Twilight. With her magical prowess, she could teleport in front of Pinkie. Heck, she could just grab Pinkie and lift her from the ground so she can't run away. She could probably even just teleport her back into the library. There's no way Pinks could avoid talking things out if Twilight won't let her run.
I saw that you worked on this for over a year. In that time, things can change rapidly, I know that. Maybe your writing improved over the course of this tale and this whole comment is pointless. I won't find out, sadly, since I won't commence reading this story. I'm sorry, but I just can't stand reading this much out of character.
As to what you got right. Your grammar was fine - no obvious typos tried to let my eyes bleed to death. Also, you got a good pacing down. And the idea of one having a crush on the other and accidentally letting this vital information somehow slip is always a nice premise.
I hope I was 'nice enough' and, maybe, somehow, even a little helpful. I wish you good luck and don't let this drag you down! Keep writing. Improvement comes with experience.