You too!?
“I-I don’t understand. Why would Shining want that?”
Flash groaned and rubbed his temples. “I don’t know why. He just does, and for some reason he thinks I’m the one who should do it.”
Cadance was getting more confused by the second. “But why you? I-I mean, I’m not saying you’re not qualified, I’m just wondering why you of all stallions?”
Flash sat down in the halls of the crystal tower, getting tired of explaining all of this to Cadance. “He thinks I have a shot at it, that I can pull if off, that I having chance at...well, you know…”
“Banging my sister-in-law?”
Flash was taken back a bit from Cadance’s statement. “Uh...y-yeah...b-b-b-but don’t think that’s what I-”
“Now private.” Cadance interrupted. “I’ve seen this many times in real life and books.”
“Y-you have?”
Cadance nodded. “And I know ponies like you think they have a shot at making it with a princess; just because you’re part of the royal army.”
“W-w-what! I...I don’t think-”
“And I’m telling you right now…” Cadance stepped forward, making Flash squint his eyes, thinking any moment now she’s smack him across the face just for telling her that he-
“You need some tips.”
Flash went wide eyed and dropped his jaw. “What?”
“Listen Flash; mares, like me and Twilight, need things that Stallions have to...no...need to give us, and I’m not talking about what happens in the bedroom. We’ll discuss that later.”
“Y-you too?” Flash was starting to think this whole family was crazy, and he didn’t want any part of it.
“‘Me too’ what?” Cadance raised an eye, waiting for an explanation.
“Uh...y-you know, you also wanting...to…”
“To what?”
Flash gulped. “Have a niece or nephew.”
Cadance stood higher. “You mean niece-in-law or nephew-in-law, and yes Flash, I think I kinda deserve one.”
“Deserve?” Flash couldn’t believe this.
“Yes, I thought about having a foal to watch over, but you need to understand, private, a job like that is too much for a princess to handle.”
“But she’s a princess too?” Flash yelled. “You want her to-”
Cadance rolled her eyes. “But she doesn’t even have that many responsibilities.”
“WHAT!?” Flash stood up took his helmet off, starting to sweat from all of this. “Last time I heard; she’s the student to that other princess, and she-”
“Just writes letters and hangs out with her friends.” Cadance finished, waving a hoof in the air. “I wish I could do what she does.”
Flash continued having his jaw hung open, thinking this mare was just as crazy as her husband. “B-but what makes you think you deserve one?”
“Excuse me?” Cadance glared at him. “Is that anyway to talk to a princess, private Flash?”
"S-sorry princess..." Flash sighed. “Just...why? Is it because you...work a lot or have a high standing or…”
Cadance sighed. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right; I don’t.” Flash was starting to lose his mind, all because of this couple wanting him to have a foal. “T-There has got to be some reason.”
Cadance looked away. “Alright private, you want me to give you another reason?”
Flash knew this one would be as asinine as the other ones she’s told him. “Sure, tell me.”
Cadance started at him straight in the eyes. “Do you know pain?”
“W-what?” Flash thought that meant for him to prepare for whatever pain she was about to dish up on him.
“Because you haven't until you have a foal, and not mental pain, I’m talking about physical.”
“Physical?” Flash didn’t know raising a foal hurt too.
“You know what I’m talking about, Flash;” She stepped forward again. “I’m talking about getting the foal.”
“What?” Flash still had no idea what she was talking about.
“Flash...how important is your stallion-hood?”
“My what?” Flash tilted his head, thinking she was talking about his dignity, it was only when she pointed down that he realized what she was talking about, making him blush. “OH! Oh...uh...well...y-yes i-it is very-”
“And do you know how painful it is for something to...happen to it?”
Flash nodded and immediately put his hooves down, blocking whatever pain he might feel if this mare even tried kicking him in the-
“Well, you have no idea what it’s like for mares.”
Flash was thankful she wouldn’t do it, but he still didn’t get it. “B-but last time I heard, intercourse is very-”
“I’m not talking about sex, Flash; I’m talking about delivering.”
“Ooooohhh...that’s what you mean…” Flash then finally realized what she meant. “So...You don’t want to...well, give birth?” Flash still felt uncomfortable discussing this subject, especially in front of a mare.
Cadance nodded. “I heard it’s more painful than anything a mare can experience.” Cadance crossed her hooves. “And I know you wouldn't understand that; the only thing you stallions have to worry about is some stone coming out, not a child.”
Flash’s face turned scarlet. “S-stone; child; mare...w-what does that have anything to do with-”
“And you can't even use magic.” Cadance continued. “They say it could really disrupt the foal’s body, it could even kill it for Faust’s sake, so the mare hast to do it with just her body alone!” Cadance walked closer to Flash. “The mare needs to feel every waking minute of pain, every second, and it feels like it lasts forever!”
Flash started sinking his body to the ground; completely terrified by what she was saying. “B-b-but the payoffs good...right.”
Cadance stepped back. “Of course it is, but I just can’t deal with such an experience, private.” Cadance crossed her hooves.
“So you’d rather have Twilight deal with it?”
Cadance bit her bottom lip. “It’s not that, it’s just that...pain like that could really effect a mare my age, so Twilight could probably deal with it better, she’s faced a lot ya know, I’m sure foal birth shouldn’t be too hard for her.”
Flash continued looking at her in disbelief. “That’s your excuse?”
Cadance rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t understand, Flash, and like I said; you stallions don’t even need to worry about something that big coming out of your-”
“Easy…” Flash looked back and forth. “Do you have to be so...well...graphic about it?”
Cadance but her hooves to her hip. “Hey! You were the one coming to me; talking about how you want to have sex with Twi-”
“It’s not me, it’s Shining! He’s the one who wants me to do it.” Flash stood up.
Cadance groaned. “Alright, look Flash, you can drop the lie, you and I both know you like her.”
“WHAT!?” Flash was flabbergasted. “What makes you think I’m making this up!?”
“And I’ll admit, when you bumped into her, I kinda saw the way you we’re eyeing her.”
“She bumped into me, and I’m telling you the truth, princess. Shining wants me to meet up with Twilight and make him an uncle.”
Cadance chuckled. “That’s a pretty lame excuse Flash.”
“So is yours!...I-I mean, i-it’s not an excuse!...and-”
Cadance put a hoof to his mouth and shushed him. “Hey...it’s okay; I don’t mind; alright, it’s absolutely fine with me if you want to bear her foal, and I promise I’ll keep this secret until Shining understands.”
“I...I..a...bu...he...we…she…” Flash was on the verge of breaking down from all of this.
Cadance pulled her hoof away and held in to her chest. “But listen, Flash, you need to know how to treat a mare right, okay?”
“Okay…” Flash’s mind started going on autopilot, no longer listening to what was being said.
“Now, when I met Shining, I could already tell he was into me. I’m pretty sure he thought about me at night too, so don’t just wait forever to tell her you love her.”
“B-but I’m doing this toni-”
“You can’t just rush things, Flash, you need to take your time; go slow. Don’t just barge in her home and yell: Twilight, I came here to buck mares and work, and I just got off work!”
Flash flopped his ears from how loud Cadance was getting. “I-I would never-”
“Which is why you need to be polite about it.”
“Polite?” Flash was having trouble understanding this whole conversation.
“Yes, but you need to kinda...draw her in. I absolutely love it when Shining does things like that, and I’m sure Twilight will love it too.”
“D-does things like what?” Flash started regretting that question.
“Well…” Cadance smiled and blushed. “Shining does have a way with words...and gestures...hooves...body…”
Flash cleared his throat. “But what does this have to do with me?”
“It has everything to do with you, Flash. I’m just gonna say it. You need to learn proper foreplay.”
Flash wanted to scream ‘what’ again, but he knew it was a waste of breath, so he just continued starting with no expression.
“Um...are you alright?”
Flash shook himself. “Oh no...I-I’m fine...just...having the sister of the mare I’m about to bang tell me how to do it is really weird…”
“You forget who I am, Flash. Love is my element, and all I can do is give you advice on what to do to treat my sister right.”
Flash groaned. “She sounds like Shining.” He took a deep breath and decided to at least have this conversation end as quick as possible. “Advice, or do you mean instructions?”
Cadance giggled. “A little of both, but I’m sure you’ll learn all there is to know about what a mare wants when it comes to...pleasing her~”
Flash had enough of this, he stood up, grinded his teeth and yelled. “I DON’T WANT TO-...ugh.” He sat down and hung his head, feeling defeated from all of this, “What’s the use.” He thought. “She’ll never believe me anyway.” He took a deep breath, looked up at Cadance and said. “Fine. Teach me…”
Cadance smiled, knowing Twilight won’t be disappointed with what she’ll be telling Flash to do. “Alright! So, first things first, you need to understand posture, ‘a slack back means no hitting the sack’, alright; Then what you do is...”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five minutes later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Then as soon as you hit it, you reel back and make sure not to grunt, you need to yell, more power when you do that, understand?”
Flash silently nodded, trying his hardest not to run, puke, shake, cry, or even hoof-it from the advice Cadance continued to give him. “O..okay..”
Cadance smiled and wrapped an arm around him without warning. “And once you’re done, you lay next to her, relax, hold her close, lean to her ear and whisper…” Cadance did just that and silently said. “I love you, Twilight Sparkle.” She then pulled away. “Okay.”
Flash stood motionless, unable to comprehend thought, all he could do was stare off in the distance and try to understand what just happened to him. “Oh...O...okay…”
Cadance clapped her hooves. “See, now you’re all set.” She looked back and forth, making sure no one was still around. “And don’t worry; I’ll be sure to tell Shining that you’re off on duty to visit your family, I’m sure that’s a good enough excuse to visit her, right.” Flash nodded, with his brain still fried. “Great! So, what are you gonna do?”
“Ha...have intercourse with your sister…” Flash said, still dazed from the lesson.
Cadance sighed. “Not just intercourse, Flash, you have ‘sex;’ Understand.”
“I-I-I guess.” Flash was still trying to understand what half the words Cadance was talking about meant.
Cadance held her head high, happy to know she would make Twilight’s night the best. “Good, now, do you have any questions?”
Flash shook his head.
“Comments?”
Flash shook his head.
“Concerns?”
Flash shook his head.
“Do you want to practice?”
Flash finally snapped out of it with that question and furiously shook his head. “NO! Nononono...No! I-I-I...can...handle it...okay…”
Cadance shrugged. “Okay, but if you need any help, you know where I am, alright?”
Flash sighed, no longer caring, knowing full well this was a waste of time. He could only nod and accept what would soon happen to him, at least he sorta knew what he was doing. “Alright…”
Cadance grinned. “Alright, private Flash. I wish you the best of luck at wooing my sister-in-law.” With her head held high, she walked down the hallway, but not before turning to Flash and saying. “By the way, you’re kinda, ‘preparing.’”
Flash didn’t understand what she said untill he looked down, seeing where his hoof was. He immediately blushed and pulled his hoof to his chest. “AH! Uh...u-u-u-uh...s-sorry about-” Flash turned around to see that she left him, now it was just him in the hall.
“Great…” He looked down, seeing his helmet still on the floor. “Might as well look ‘presentable’ or whatever the princess called it.” He groaned and put his helmet back on. Hoping it would protect him from whatever Twilight would do once he arrived at her house.
“I really...really need to find a new job…”
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Oh god, my sides
Dammit Cadence! Dammit Shining! Damn you horrible(amazing) siblings (and in-law)!
I realllllly feel sorry for Flash, but it's also hard when I'm sorry for him being ordered to bang a princess! BY OTHER ROYALTY
fffffffuuuu
LOL. I would have jumped out the window when she started giving instructions. By the time she asked about "practicing" I would have been out of canterlot. Is there going to be a sequal to this?
That should be foal unless this story is about him getting a chicken.
Fowl. It's foal
A fowl is a type of bird species, like chickens. And I don't think their talking about scootaloo...
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!
... so Cadence is a selfish (and, evidently old) bitch, Shindig is a domineering tyrant that uses his position to browbeat his underlings into personal situations far outside the bounds of what is reasonably expected in a military and Twilight is a sack of meat whose sole purpose is to spit out foals - pardon - fowls for the purpose of allowing Cadence and Shindig the opportunity to live a parenting life vicariously through her regardless of what she wants or who she wants to do anything with? Oh and Flash is a pussy that won't tell Shindig to take his illegal order and shove it?
Wow. Even for an exaggerated and ridiculous 'comedy' this is pushing it - right off a cliff. I can't find this funny as it seems more disturbing to me in all the implications and the OOC actions of every single character. I like the general idea (a reverse of the 'hooves off' Shindig we've all seen) but this is not really the way to go about doing it I feel. Sorry, can't like it.
EDIT: Even if it all turns out they were 'just pushing Flash to admit his feelings' thing, it's still too great a stretch for me.
Flash-nononononoNO! F*ck you! F*ck your husband! F*ck all ya'll! I'm out
(Twilight berets threw the doors."
Twilight-FLASH I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABYS!
Shining and Cadance- you can do it.
Flash- F*ck it. There is no god. I'm going to the human would because YOU ALL ARE CRAZE!
Why would he kick her?
slight spelling error in the story fowl instead of foal.
That was awesome. Just pure awesome. Great job. Thanks for posting this sequel.
Next story is either- I want to be a Grandfather, I want to be a Grandmother or I want to be a Mother
A mare your age? Bitch you're an alicorn, you're in your twenties and will be for the next few centuries, stuff your excuses and become a parent instead of living vicariously through your sister in law.
PRICELESS!!!
Best Celestia would be encouraging Flash as he takes his trip to ponyville...and maybe a twilight too!
And now make Twilight wanting be aunt to saying she is to young to do this and cadence have all the exprience is old enough to not make her difference etc that would be hillarious
Is there gonna be sequel to this?
I would really like to know what happens to dear little flashy..
Soooo, should I hide my Waifu?
Must. Resist urge. to murder waifu stealer.
i half expect flash to just give up and move out of the country
I MUST know what happens in the aftermath if you know what I mean...
5316702 Err... Yes! Flash and Twilight after they planted the baby! That is what I wish to see!
5316737 Am I not? But you said that is how it works!
I feel sorry for Flash. First, Shining orders him to have sex with his sister. Then Cadance gives him lessons. If I had been in Flash's position with Cadance, I would have done an about-face and marched out of the room when she started the lessons.
5314808
And now imagine Handy in the same situation, but with the Deer's.
Edit: Failing this royal task will result in Handy being once again lost in the forest.
user-cdn.spring.me/photos/20121018/n50806e8b138b5.jpg
End the trilogy with his approach to twilight herself. I want to see how it ends
Lol.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/230/569/a08.jpg
MOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!
I am waiting for the sequel to this where Flash stands up for himself and does what he should have done from the start:
Quits his job with the Guard, Jimmy Buffets off to a warm beach somewhere without telling anyone where he's gone, to live out the rest of his days drinking margaritas and playing his guitar like a sane pony.
This particular Equestria is clearly beyond saving, and he should clearly move himself to the minimum safe distance before Tirek escapes from prison, teams up with the Nightmare Forces, and shits on everything.
Everything except for Flash Sentry and Flash Sentry's beach bungalow, because he Jimmy Buffeted away from ground zero to drink margaritas and play his guitar on the beach like a sane pony.
more
So the 'wat' continues, and it's as hilarious as ever
Oh, no, You're not ending this hear! Next story: Flash Sentry try to buck Twilight and fail miserably, followed by being bucked by. Cadance to learn to do it right next time and then being killed by Shining for failing to please both his sister and wife.
Indeed, poor Flash Sentry. We can only- wait... Is this the sort of scheme Celestia would concoct during a dreary diplomatic meeting, then rile Twilight's nerves until Luna gets the idea to find some random suitable stallion to cool Twilight down (said random stallion being Flash due to fate hating him)?
Make the final part when Flash walks into Twilight's castle.
Twilight: You're finally here? It's been like a week since I asked Shining to talk to you. You ready?
oh that was an amazing fic!! If you can, PLEASE make another sequel. I would just LOVE to see how Twilight reacts to this (and possibly, if she's into it or not
Flash bangs derp.
Flash bangs derp.
Go to human world's Canterlot High, I'm sure my home boy human flash can give you a job
I wonder there will be another fic in which Twilight's parents want to tell him that they demand grandkids or Lil' Spike asks him because he wants a baby sibling ?
I can't help but read Flash's lines in Morty's voice and Cadence's in Rick's.
What is wrong with me?
Anyway, a good laugh at poor Flash.
I hear they're always hiring at Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria. That might be less sanity-threatening than your life so far, Flash.
5314239
They could just be pranking him.
Even if this was largely just a rehashing of the last story, this still cracked me up.
Call of Duty: Buck Ops... cuming soon.
5314453 I like this idea.
5317327 Handy will thank you for not giving the universe any ideas.
Well then come on over to Freddy Fazbear's Pizzaria.
We are not responsible for any deaths or disappearances.If you have a problem don't work here at all.Just call 1-800-FAZ-BEAR
5320828
carl of duty: black cops.
probably thinks he's gay!
Okay, now that you have peeked my curiosity, I shall read this! 
But-but-but-
Oh, he should see some of the things Twilight Velvet does in some fics.
The catch all phrase women use to mean 'I don't understand it, but you don't need to know that.'
It's more painful than anything a woman can experience. But she's a mare, and horses do not go through the same pain humans do. No mammal goes through the same pain of childbirth women do.
Capitalize Faust. We are talking about a specific person here.
Cadance and Shining are villains.
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Stealing that line.
WTF! It's a trap!
Princess Luna might the only one who treats him properly. Celestia will go all Molly on him, and Twilight will want to befriend him to much.
I hope he reports Shining to Celestia. Or tells Twilight what he was ordered to do. Or he just tells Shining "She said No."