SwiftM0nkey
Joined 10th Jun, 2014 ·
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Very cute. It was a great read. I liked it.
Keep up the good work.
This is one of the best comedy stories I've read on this site. Have a like and a fave
5000 words for a comedy. I was a bit hesitant at first, but you pulled it off. I got a good chuckle.
They're going to tell everyone aren't they
Okay, this was absolutely hilarious, and very well written.
I do, however, have some critique:
1. The second-person perspective just does not work here. Especially in a story that changes perspective between scenes. Second-person perspective is hard enough to pull off in a story that's designed for it. This story? Is NOT designed for second-person perspective. It's a terrible choice. This story should be in third-person perspective. MAYBE first-person, and that's stretching it. But second-person? Sorry, no. It doesn't work here.
2. Verb tense. Much like my complaint about the perspective, I'm not convinced this story is really suited to present tense. If this were written in third-person perspective, past tense? It'd be fine. But the perspective and tense here...they're just offputting.
3. "Anon" is a SEVERELY overused generic character name. A little originality would be a breath of fresh air here. Give him an actual pony name, or an actual human name, or anything...just not Anon. It's played out and detrimental.
Despite all the above, I really did enjoy this story. It had me laughing throughout.
Surprise Twiliblowjob.
that twist ending....
Best Anon. Assumes the best of ponies, isn't creepy.
...
Why isn't there a sex tag on this?
"s4.hulkshare.com/song_images/original/f/f/6/ff6569a7c9289d6bfff9d7598dc5b32b.jpg?dd=-62169985172
It's super weird to see the views on my other stories go up as this one is featured.
bwahahahaha! oh wow, i needed this laugh!
Okay, I made it nearly a quarter of the way through before I realized we weren't Anon, but Twilight. You really need to clear that up... but then you suddenly keep switching perspectives between Twilight and Anon, both wh8ile maintaining the 2nd person PoV. Why? It just made it confusing.
5296276
Fuck, my bad.
5296341
Easiest fix is just to have Twilight's sections be normal third person. Still would read kinda wonky with the second person Anon stuff, but it would at least clear things up.
That was simply wonderful. I laughed so much, I started to see stars. Truly I thought I was going to die, which only made me laugh harder.
5296385
Couldn't I just specify at the beginning and at the breaks who the point of view is from?
5296509
Well... I guess you could, but it would look a bit... eh, amateurish? Simply going back in the doc and changing "You" to "Twilight" and "Your" to "Her" would take maybe five minutes. But, it's your fic, and it seems to be just a silly little story, so if you don't want to put any more time in than necessary, I'd understand.
Heh, listen to me talking like my opinion matters. You do what you want with your fic, brah.
Is it sad that I thought Pinkie was talking about Big Mac's yoke?
5297180 Pffffft ahaha you thought that his... Ya well actually I thought so too.
5297256
She said it was brown, Big Macintosh was crying, and she doesn't always think/speak the clearest. I thought that he must have broken his yoke and denied my inner (and outer) pervert any true consideration. Obviously I owe my dingalingalang five dollars now.
5297282 I just imagining looking down on your dick and it going "Sup".
Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft
The level of entertainment I got from this is incredibly high considering how jarring the first-person stuff is. It's a dumb, fun story. Really like it.
5297308
Turns out I had rolled over my cat and got the claws for it.... in my leg that is.
I've had that dream before, it had teeth and I woke up screaming because it bit me.
This was brilliant!
I honestly that the ending was going to be that the dingalingaling was a cow bell that Mac hung up. Like when AJ called for everyone at the family reunion and she rung it. Kind of like chuck berry's song.
I can look past the character POV change in 2nd person. What I can't is that this doesn't have the sex tag. Add it.
This was really cute, almost show-accurate. Silly ponies with good intentions will be silly. As for Twilight... if she was so willing and eager to get Anon's cock in her mouth to help him, maybe the two could "upgrade" their friendship after the bridges are mended?
It wasn't ill-intentioned after all.
I'll be honest... I was kind of expecting it to belong to Mac rather than AJ. I don't know why.
5297815
I'll admit, I called it. It was the scream. He wouldn't have screamed at his own.
Now if it had been Apple Bloom's....
There is absolutely no reason for this to be in second person. Quite frankly the POV changes makes second person the worst possible choice in this case.
5294492
Especially since the second person switches from 'me' being Twilight(which really confused me at first because I was trying to figure out who I was supposed to be, it several read through before I realized I was Twilgiht), to 'anon'. Which is jarring.
Bitch, please. Discord is on par with Pinkie. She has freaky magic but we never see it, so we can't explain it.
How old is she?
Oh, please don't...
Wait, is this a second person fic for Twilight's perspective? It's supposed to be Anon's, that's the point of Anon...
THIS is how Anon stories are read. There you go.
I like where this is going.
What are you doing! You had it right. Don't jump to another persons perspective in a 2nd persons perspective like this, and never continuously jump between two people. I am not two people, I am one, stick with one.
Eating grass is too Manestream.
You are shamelessly ripping all these from bad pornos. If Rainbow wanted to seduce me, she would need pepperoni pizza and a two liter Mtn. Dew, then I would do whatever she wanted.
Loved it.
This was good :D
5298802
Dude if she were trying to seduce you she would walk right up to you and say
"Dude, we are going to fuck. Get on the couch, spread your legs, and get ready"
Rainbow doesn't seduction. She instruction
Not that great? It's awesome :D
I literally burst out laughing when Anon clarified his statement. Oh, the irony...
Normaly i don´t like it if Rainbow is like this, but you made her don´t act so bad, it was smoehow funny what they did there. It is not bad as a one-shot, i guess if you find the right storys even one-shots can be good.
edit: I think i have to say, what i said about Rainbow only counts in a reala story.
Is that you John (Wayne Bobbitt)? Is this me?
5299354hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *takes breath * hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm totally telling everypony.
Wow, for a story with the tags "Human" and "Mature" I was expecting something else, but this was genuinely funny. I almost want to read more stories that take place in this story's universe, lol.
Will someone please explain what the hell I just read?!
Yeah, this was very rough. It's like you posted the first draft. Could have used a lot of refining, but the overall premise was cute.
Hehe, I liked this, good job.
~OreoKookie
5303645
Yeah, that's what happens when you write a story in forty five minutes.
Best ever.
5298802
Neckbeard detected
5305116 ...No. I shave the neck and trim the rest...And she's a strong woman. Are you going to say No to a strong woman?