A strange pony arrives and Rainbow Dash doesn't know what do think, until he takes her back to the changeling attack. I believe the Doctor has a new companion
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 17th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 9th, 2016
Captain Platinum Hit
A nerd who can't get enough of shows such as MLP (obvious), Sherlock, Star Trek, Dr Who, and many more.
Captain Platinum Hit
Joined 17th Nov, 2014 ·
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Not really good, but not really bad either. I'll reserve judgment until I finish the other chapters.
You have several grammatical errors, such as:
Stick to one method of showing your onomatopoeia. Either * or ', not both. Also, you use onomatopoeia instead of describing. Using onomatopoeia isn't bad, but repetitive use isn't very good.
Extra period after the quotation mark. Remove.
Asterisk for no reason.
Unnecessary apostrophes.
For interruptions, use a "-" instead of apostrophes.
Some other odd things I noticed:
Not an error, but just say fez, it is way more simple.
First off, Twilight was able to teleport herself and three others in "Dragon Quest",while still a unicorn, so transporting a tall wooden box as an alicorn is definitely possible. Second, "colt" is a noun used to mean a young male horse, around the age of childhood. The correct noun for an adult male horse is "stallion".
The Tardis's psychic link to the Doctor automatically translates everything. While it is possible that the Doctor is surprised that a horse is talking period, HE WOULD NOT SCREAM. He would be excited, especially the 11th Doctor, who was giddy when he found fish vampires.
This is progressing too quickly. The Doctor doesn't just invite a random alien on board, unless it was an accident, some kind of danger, a companion, or a person that the companion knows.
Meh. It was too short. Generally around here, it's best to have chapters at least 1000 words long (Unless it was a short snippet type thing). Your grammar s okay, but you either need to proofread your work or get an editor. It wasn't that good of a story, although the characterization of the Doctor did get better (still bland) after the first chapter.
Personally, I think you should fix your problems with this story first before moving onto a sequel. In fact, this story's so short, you could combine all three chapters into one, and each subsequent story into a new chapter instead of another sequel.
Rainbow Dash and the Doctor's personalities aren't much, and you seem to rely on familiar phrases in the fandoms to get by. Rainbow Dash takes this a little too calmly, and the Doctor screams too much. The 11th Doctor only yells against Daleks, the Atraxi, or when making a grand speech, not every time he gets excited. If that was true, watching Doctor Who would suck.
Lastly, not a criticism, but every Doctor Who/MLP fan knows about the existence of the background Doctors. (Blue pegasus, brown pegasus, blue unicorn, other blue unicorn, dark brown earth pony, light brown earth pony, blue earth pony, pink earth pony, brown unicorn, etc.)
Not going to upvote or downvote, it wasn't that good or bad.
Well, okay. You are a bit harsh with the whole "It's not that good a story" thing, but okay. He does go all funny about the magic thing though. Mayor Mare often say's 'Filly's and Gentlecolt's' so. And for the bit with the TARDIS translating, it does - but he knows what language it was in before it was translated. This is exampled in the newer version of Doctor Whooves and Assistant as 'I speak horse and you my friend aren't." I haven't actually said what size the box is and as an Alixorn Twilight has less control over her magic.
He invites Rainbow in because he's fascinated with her and because anyone who see's a talking pegasus that's blue with Rainbow hair is going to do ANYTHING to befriend them. And may I remind you that he actually promised to take a ten year old girl into the TARDIS so a pegasus is pretty much a no brainer and finally - after the Changelings he decide's that you can't take a girl on one amazing trip and just leave them behind afterwards He open's the TARDIS doors suddenly because it's basically equal to saying "Long story short." Rainbow doesn't know it's a Fez and for that chapter I was basing it on what she thinks while maintaining the flexibility of the third person approach. The * was a accident and I will get rid of it and I will make him a bit more excited about the talking horse thing.
You will find I've changed it. I am not that good at ending stories so that's why and I promise that the sequel will be something to look forward to. It's to late to stop writing the second story as I've nearly finished the first chapter of that. And no - not everyone knows all the Doctor Whooves.
And the term is not actually 'fish vampires'. They aren't either. They are an advanced extra terrestrial race that happens to be exactly like the earth born myth.
And if I combined all the chapters into one then I'd be going against the 'episode' affect I've been going for the whole time.