- Member Since 21st Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Sep 9th, 2021
Deathwatch56
I am a huge fan of Fallout: Equeistria & I love to sketch and draw my little ponies. w
Deathwatch56
Joined 21st Jul, 2014 ·
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I know that picture from anywhere. That's from the game Paranoia. An HL1 Modification.
Yeah, it is. Good eye.
good start cant wait to see the end
Excellent story. Cant wait to read the next chapter
It feels a bit rushed in my opinion, but I'd like to see where this story goes.
Thanks for the comments. I guess that means that I'll finish the next chapter and post it. Plus this is only my first fic, so yeah its not the best out there.
Where is rusman?
Not in this, sorry.
Meh, seen worse fanfics, seen better, but this story has potential to go far.
5283115
Thanks
I have a group this would go in: Zombies and Assassins
5285480
K Thanks
how can he be a brony but not recognize the mane six. I mean, I know a lot of stuff was going on but still.
who's Justin?
5287784
Sorry typo. Justin is the character I meant. The other one was an accident, ill fix it.
And on the second one, I guess I messed up a bit, sorry.
5289301 no prob, glad I helped.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bty4-TgBV9I&index=96&list=LL4_tKxMHs5SPmAmSkSM5iAg
To Everyone Who Tried This and didnt like it, I know the first chapter didnt explain much but it was kind of like a prolouge. Things will get explained in the next chapter which I am in the process of working on. So everyone please, before you knock this story please read the next chapter. Which will be out soon. Thank you
Now we wait.....
5341812 Yeah sorry. But the next chapter is almost done
5342765 No need to say sorry lol. No rush
IT IS DONE. MWAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Few issues. Firstly:
...
...
...
Come on. If you're going to use an actual force, like the USMC, do some basic research. There isn't a "Sniper Division" in the USMC. The closest thing is that there was a Sniper Company in the 6th Marine Division but that (and the rest of the 6th) was deactivated after WWII. Now there are Scout Sniper Platoons, but a Sergeant Major would not be serving in them. The Sergeant Major rank is a command-oriented rank, serving as the senior enlisted Marine in a unit, charged to assist the commanding officer in matters of discipline, administration and the morale and welfare of the unit. You want to make it better? My recommendation, change the rank to Sargent, Corporal, or Lance Corporal (with an emphasis on the Lance Corporal) if you want to have him be in that kind of unit. Otherwise, change his unit to something like the I Marine Expeditionary Force, 17th Marine Expeditionary Unit (There isn't a 17th MEU in the I MEF [read/pronounce as "one MEF"], but with fiction, something like this would be acceptable).
Second: (Numerous grammar issues.)
There should be a comma between "guys" and "ponies", or put a question mark after "guys" and capitalize "ponies".
There's an extra space between "are" and the comma, "darling" should not be capitalized.
Period should be a comma, "said" shouldn't be capitalized.
Most people just call it "Black Ops". Calling it "Call of Duty: Black Ops" is awkward.
"Fell" should be "feel".
Never use all caps like this. Never. There are better ways to show that someone is shouting. Also, only one exclamation mark. Using it on one word is fine, but multiple words like this is just wrong.
Use only one exclamation mark.
"Ponyville" should be capitalized.
Awkward sentence is awkward.
Missing a space between "'...Fluttershy.'" and "I could..." Also, do not repeat things like the underline bit. You already explained that to us, so we don't need it again.
Period should be a comma.
Get rid of the underlined. Just end the sentence with "agape". The rest of it doesn't add anything to the scene, and only is contradicting the mouths being agape. "Agape" (in this context) means that the mouths are hanging open, while "mouthing 'how'" would require the mouths to be moving, and therefore not hanging.
That's all I got from just my first run through the story, much less everything that is there. I recommend an average of four runs through an editor for a chapter to clean it of most, if not all, grammar and spelling issues before posting.
Number III:
There are a lot of punctuation errors in the dialogue that I didn't point out in the section above. Punctuation, in speech, helps provide tone and context. You need to use it. For example:
This is written so that the whole line is said in one breath, with no pauses. No one speaks like that. However, people do speak like this:
or:
These show a pause between "Rarity" and "wait". The length of the pause depends on whether the punctuation is a comma or a period. Depending on context, one or the other would be preferred, or they could just be interchangeable. A third option would be an ellipses "..." which would be a longer pause than a period, but that wouldn't work in this exact statement (it would be more like "Common Rarity...", indicating annoyance or frustration from the speaker). Reading dialogue aloud would help with determining which it should be.
Point D:
You might want to reread through the Zombies' storyline. The zombies weren't quite created by an "evil scientist" (which, while somewhat true [more "mad" than "evil" though], is way too much of an oversimplification), but rather through exposure of dead people to Element 115. Also, Element 115 wasn't the cause of death of the zombies. What was described by Celestia sounds closer to Resident Evil (which I'm nowhere near an "expert" in the fluff of, so I could be mistaken), than Nazi Zombies, considering that it sounds like the whole thing is based on a virus rather than just reanimating dead tissue through an exposure to an element.
Overall, needs a good editing, but there is something there once a reader gets through the errors.
The guy who unleashed the zombies is called richtofen do some call of duty zombie lore just saying.
5473319 sorry about the first issue it was a stupid mistake. I should have known better. the last issue. i know all of that but i will make a few changes. and as for the rest i will fix my mistakes. thanks.
Was told a month ago the next chapter was almost done *waits a month* finally its here *reads in 1 minute* well that was fast. But oh well i like this story. Now we commence the waiting again.........
5474686 Not for Every long one will not. I got it started but need some suggestions about what should happen in the next chapter.
5473319 you just earned a follow.
You should have Princess Luna come in somewhere.
5552782 She will in the next chapter.
5553131 awesome
Sorry guys but I have to pause here for a while due to a lake of inspiration. any help or suggestions are welcome. Thanks
IS THIS STORY DEAD?
Since this is under the CoD category, make it as if the Shadowman sent the plague doctor (name here) to Equestria to “create an invitation to a world beyond imagination.” Basically Shadows of Evil-esque. Maybe get Primis involved, I’m not sure. Hope these helped.