Little Apple Bloom has been feeling neglected and unappreciated at home as of late. Yet one day she discovers a door leading to a fantastic world. And while all seems perfect, she soon finds it hides a terrifying secret, one that could cost her dearly. MLP FIM adaption of the film Coraline.
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Good solid start except from grammar mistakes, but a good start none the less.
5318980 sigh. Of course there are grammar mistakes. Well at least people seem to like it. That's what matters most.
5319164 Still I look forward to seeing more, I like where it's going.
If you need someone to bounce ideas of off, I be happy o help.
5319365 Well this story is already done. I just have been uploading it bit by bit
5319485 I see, well maybe next time.
This just gets better and better.
(Note, before reading)
OMC I love Coraline...
I can't believe someone would have done something like this
Before even reading any of it I give it 5
s
Please disregard my last comment, this reminds me of the poem La Belle Dame sans Merci. A very interesting tale.
Option B... Zecora believe her, she could very well, send a message to Princess Celestia and the fury of the sun could destroy the monster
Why is that no one think in option B?
Maybe because it's too easy and then is not funny or there is no story
Damnit, I was going to do a Coraline spoof with scootaloo!
5685691 You could still do it.
5687092 Really? That's pretty cool of you, thanks!
5687092 It occurred to me that my comment about not wanting to rip you off may come off as sarcastic, but I just wanted to say that I was being genuine. Also, thanks for not caring if i did my own coraline crossover.
Keep it up. It getting good.
This is actually quite good. Coraline is a hard fandom to find a good fic for. And Apple Bloom makes the most sense to fill the role of Coraline.
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Thank you. To be honest this is the only one of my fanfictions to make it onto the recommended list on tv tropes.
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Thank you! I'm glad this story is getting recognized.
Said the spider to the fly.
Thank you for being sensible!
Quick correction: She instead of He
It should be "Apple Bloom pouted" or "Apple Bloom pouted in response" or something along those lines. Or even "Apple Bloom let out a pout."
I don't think I've heard of "That tears it!" before but I believe it would be better as "That does it!" or "That's it!".
Quite a few here, "honestly" should be capitalized, and I think "Well very little moments" would be better phrased as "Well, very few moments." Also, "Where as Apple Bloom?" would be better along the lines of "Where was Apple Bloom's?" since I think that was a typo
. "customer's" should just be "customers" without the apostrophe since that would indicate that you're talking about something a customer owns.
I think you meant "Apple Bloom's ears fell down in disappointment."
It's always the typos that get ya, "cat" instead of "ca".
Forgot an apostrophe here.
Not really a typo or anything but just a quick suggestion, with quotes where the character stops mid sentence I recommend either using "wanted-" to indicate a sudden pause or "wanted..." to indicate the character drifting off.
Another small suggestion, often times the word grin can be associated with a large toothy smile so it can fell awkward to see "small grin". There isn't necessarily anything wrong with it, it's more so personal preference than anything.
Again, same the previous one with the sudden pause, it also helps the reader understand what the character is doing especially since this character's dialogue is a bit hard to read due to the fact that she's sick. I was honestly confused with the sentence until I reread it.
Personally, I find that "..." is always the best amount to use when it comes to ellipses, but again this is more so a preference.
This relates to something I prefer and you don't have to listen to this bit, but with longer sentences the characters wanted to say but didn't end up saying I find it best to use ' instead of ". This is more so something that just looks better to me but isn't a huge issue.
For some reason this sentence felt awkward to me? Not sure how to put it, I would probably word it "Right about now, home seemed a lot more fun, and it would probably be dinner time soon."
"It would be rather difficult", just a missing word, happens all the time.
Just editing and proofreading it since I haven't seen any comments about it yet, if it's alright with you I can proofread the rest of it as well! I am enjoying the story so far since the characters feel pretty in line with the show, I just think it needs some editing is all. Besides, it's hard to find a lot of MLP Caroline stories so I'm excited to see where this one goes! If you would rather I not touch the story then just ignore this comment or ask me and I can delete it. I don't mind either really! I know this story is old and this might go ignored but since I saw no similar comments relating to typos or grammar, I figured I could be the first!
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You can if you want, but this story is old and my writing has improved since then.
10966606
Correction to my earlier comment, I just noticed you did mention this story was old. Like I said you can read this story and comment on it if you want. I've just kind of been focusing more heavily on my current stuff.