It has been over four thousand years since Princess Twilight Sparkle earned the title of princess, but Equestria has simply disappeared and is unknown to the residents of today. The current civilisation has attempted to discover the secrets this dead kingdom has waiting in store for them, but that was the spark that started the war. Two organisations have been fighting each-over over the little pieces of evidence they could find. The Salmaic and Deachrai. They have been fighting for centuries but the two clans have made a peace treaty but Hua, a respected member of the Deachrai, hasn't given up yet.
Chapters (17)
Sorry about the length of the chapters, hopefully the plot makes up for it. Oh yeah, I only added gore because I knew that there will only be few scenes where there's gonna be blood, like the first part of the first chapter.
I watch with interest: where will this go?
Okay, you're obviously good at writing dialogue and interaction (good on you for that, by the way, I'm awful).
But sadly, I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Nothing is really explained much, there's a distinct lack of inner character thoughts or explanation, and that leaves the reader with a bit of bewilderment.
Did you get this proofread? When writing something you can have a tendancy to skip over explanation as you already know what things mean, who characters are and where they fit into your story. An outsider however, doesn't. Having a proofreader would greatly help highlight issues with a fic and generally adds to the experience.
A few questions I found myself asking were;
Who are Hua, Rhidana and Geretiyak? What do they look like? What do they think? Needs more characterisation show. They obviously have quite prominent personalities by the way you write the dialogue, but this feels like a script. There's also next to no description of any of these characters.
Who or what is a Salamic? What about a Deachrai? I have honestly no idea what these things or people are.
You write in the description Equestria disappeared. But disappeared how? Where is this story taking place? Where are any of these places? You list some names and mention vague descriptions of buildings, but otherwise I don't know where anything is.
Is this a crossover fic?
Generally speaking it looks to me like you have the premise of a very interesting story, the world which I have caught hazy glimpses of intrigues me, I'm left with more questions than answers, and I want to know more. This fic feels a bit rushed, if that is the case then don't feel pressured, take time to craft a well written and enjoyable story, I want to see more, but I need to be helped, I need to be able to figure out what's going on.
Please help me.
Thank you Foxler for your comment. When I started to write the story I did think that some parts were rushed, like the characters and places. I'm going to make a blog about this book soon, so hopefully your questions will get answered.
I'm sorry to say this but the blog won't be made. When I was making it for some reason the page closed. So, I restarted the blog from the beginning and I was halfway through until the page closed again. So I've decided that would be easier to just add a bit more description into the things that I introduced into the story. But on a brighter note thanks Foxler, without your comment lots of people would be reading it and wouldn't have a clue what is going on.
I have added some bits to the previous chapters. If you've read this before I highly recommend rereading the first chapter.
I'm surprised you don't have more readers... Well, at least you've got a better like/dislike ratio than every single story on here! Hah!
Can't wait to see what happens next!
5277737
Look at what you caused.
5290165 Dang it... Stupid Murphy's Law...
A little heavy on the line breaks... I'd say expand it a little, more detail.
Hope you enjoyed! The story will start to go down a darker, more tragic path later on in the next few chapters.
Good! I'd add a little more detail, and a little better wording, but this was a good chapter overall.
Guys, my charger for my android has been dead. So I had to buy a new one on ebay and that took a long time to come through the post.
Anything you don't understand about the puzzle then please ask me, I might not answer your question though if it means I have to give away some spoilers.
Auuggghhhh!!!
Do you guys use FIM fiction via iPad, iPhone, Hudl2, ect...? Well, I do and I would like to say that the exact time I've sent this comment, you could've had a new chapter instead. But, when I was near the end of the chapter, in fact the end, of the chapter, I was notified of a new thread. The little box that appeared across my tablet's screen was in the way, so, I tried to select the X symbol, to get rid of it. Instead, I accidentally pressed the title of it, causing me to view the thread, and leaving behind my unsaved work. Have you guys ever come across this problem?