The Dead Kingdom

by Red and Black Alicorn OC

Preparation

"Hua, I don't know about this."

The two mares walked towards Thute park, where Hua told Kuati to meet them. She didn't know why she chose this place, but this is the place where Hua became a Deachrai. She was lost in the fog, when she saw Xean. She walked towards him because she was scared. Because she was lost.

"I mean, Ouis threatening you is a tad bit weird but theft, that's illegal."

Rhidana snapped her back into reality.

"We are not going to steal anything, just take a snoop around, that's all!"

A group of teenagers stared at Hua and Rhidana, but immediately looked away from them once they saw there cutie mark.

Hua forgot that people were afraid of both the Salmaic and Deachrai alike.
(A tattoo of a vine going up someone's leg means that they are apart of the Salmaic but if you found a tattoo outlining someone's cutie mark that means they are Deachrai.)

Hua looked at Rhidana.

"I think we should go and find Kuati and then find a isolated area where we can talk."

"Agreed."

The girls waited next to the statue of some sort of famous pony and waited. In a few minutes Kuati appeared.

"Hi guys! We gonna go then?"

Hua looked at Rhidana with an expression saying do you want to come or not?

Rhidana hesitated before nodding.

"Okay, but not until I hear the plan"

Hua grinned and started to walk towards the doorway of a abandoned house. Hua opened the door and the group walked in. Kuati turned to face the door and cast a spell onto it.

"That should keep them out."

Hua looked around the silent and undisturbed room.

"Let's go up to the top floor, just in case someone decides to eavesdrop."

The trio climbed up the wooden staircase. On the top floor there was a bookshelf tilted on it's side and a large willow table in the center of the isolated room.

Hua walked to one side of the table and looked at Kuati.

"Get the equipment."

Kuati nodded and then teleported a large rolled up blueprint, one sheet of paper, one ink bottle, two ink quills and two flasks filled with a golden substance.

Hua smiled at Rhidana.

"We are going to breach the Salmaic HQ."

Hua unrolled the blueprint and turned it towards Rhidana.

"Here, look."
Rhidana observed the blueprint and realised that it was the Salmaic head quarters.

Hua pointed to four places on the map.

"The HQ has four entrances. The front entrance, the door leading to the back garden, the back entrance and the stairs leading up to the platform above on the second floor. The front entrance is to risky, so we will have to each take one of the three other routes separately."

Rhidana looked up from the blueprint.

"What?! Are you crazy? We will have to split up?"

Hua looked at Rhidana and sighed.

"If we stick together then people will get suspicious."

"If someone sees us then they will recognise us anyway!"

Hua shook her head.

"I will get to that part in a minute."

Hua looked down at the blueprint and continued.

"So, when we take our entrances then we will meet up here."
Hua pointed to a room labeled storage.

"There, we can meet up and discuss the things we should do next."

"Okay, but how are we meant to keep our cover from being blown?"

Hua smiled and cocked her head towards the glass vial.

"That."

Rhidana looked at the golden substance and looked back to Hua.

"What does it do?"

Kuati spoke for Hua.

"It's a potion that can change the colour of your eyes, change the colour of your mane and change your cutie mark."

Rhidana looked worried.

"Are the symptoms permanent?"

"No, not if you have less then then a tablespoon."

Rhidana looked relieved.

"But how about the tattoos?"

Kuati closed his eyes and cast three blue separate threads to each of the ponies for five seconds. There tattoos that were outlying there cutie mark disappeared and instead a tattoo of a vine streaked up one of there legs.

Kuati smiled.

"That's how."

Hua smiled at Kuati.

"Good work."

Kuati smiled.

"Well I am one hell of a pony."

Both of the girls giggled. When they finished Rhidana looked towards Hua.

"How long will the effects last?"

"For a few hours, so it would be best to drink a bit of the potion just before we enter the building."

"So when shall we go?"

"Around 9am."

"What time is it?"

Kuati teleported his alarm clock onto the table. It read 08:07.

"Well looks like we will go in about a hour."

Hua nodded.

"Rhidana, don't worry, what could possibly go wrong?

---

They galloped down the hallway, narrowly dodging a servant.

Hua thought in her head as the trio ran towards the door leading to the front entrance;
How did this go so wrong?

Author's Note:

Hope you enjoyed!

Comments

[Dream Seeker]

I watch with interest: where will this go?

[Foxler]

Okay, you're obviously good at writing dialogue and interaction (good on you for that, by the way, I'm awful).

But sadly, I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Nothing is really explained much, there's a distinct lack of inner character thoughts or explanation, and that leaves the reader with a bit of bewilderment.

Did you get this proofread? When writing something you can have a tendancy to skip over explanation as you already know what things mean, who characters are and where they fit into your story. An outsider however, doesn't. Having a proofreader would greatly help highlight issues with a fic and generally adds to the experience.

A few questions I found myself asking were;

Who are Hua, Rhidana and Geretiyak? What do they look like? What do they think? Needs more characterisation show. They obviously have quite prominent personalities by the way you write the dialogue, but this feels like a script. There's also next to no description of any of these characters.

Who or what is a Salamic? What about a Deachrai? I have honestly no idea what these things or people are.

You write in the description Equestria disappeared. But disappeared how? Where is this story taking place? Where are any of these places? You list some names and mention vague descriptions of buildings, but otherwise I don't know where anything is.

Is this a crossover fic?

Generally speaking it looks to me like you have the premise of a very interesting story, the world which I have caught hazy glimpses of intrigues me, I'm left with more questions than answers, and I want to know more. This fic feels a bit rushed, if that is the case then don't feel pressured, take time to craft a well written and enjoyable story, I want to see more, but I need to be helped, I need to be able to figure out what's going on.

Please help me.

[Red and Black Alicorn OC]

Thank you Foxler for your comment. When I started to write the story I did think that some parts were rushed, like the characters and places. I'm going to make a blog about this book soon, so hopefully your questions will get answered.

[Red and Black Alicorn OC]

I'm sorry to say this but the blog won't be made. When I was making it for some reason the page closed. So, I restarted the blog from the beginning and I was halfway through until the page closed again. So I've decided that would be easier to just add a bit more description into the things that I introduced into the story. But on a brighter note thanks Foxler, without your comment lots of people would be reading it and wouldn't have a clue what is going on.