The Portrait

Celestia stretched across her throne lazily, draping herself over the sides and grunting as she stretched out a kink in her back with a loud pop of the vertebrae.

“I’m so booooooored~” she griped to the empty throne room. She reached up and ran a hoof through her ephemeral mane. Playing with her magical tresses used to be fun, but the novelty of it had worn out about eight-hundred years or so ago.

She let her arm flop to the side and began kicking her back hooves against the side of the throne. She stuck her tongue out, blowing little raspberries and childishly enjoying the sensation of her own spittle falling into her face as she made babyish cooing noises.

"Bleh-blah-bloo-bleh-bluh," she babbled to herself in boredom.

She turned her head towards the enormous chamber doors and frowned at their useless ostentatiousness. The gold paneled doors were something of a sore spot for her. Every day, for exactly forty minutes – from 1:27 P.M. until 2:07 P.M. – the light of her beloved sun was reflected off those shiny doors at just the right angle to hit her in the face when she was sitting upright atop her throne. Attempts to get her artisans to change the door were taken to mean that she must want silver filigree and platinum mosaics scrawled all over the darned thing, which did nothing for the reflection.

Her interior decorators were likewise unable to grasp the concept of curtains where the stained glass windows were concerned. “Why cover up such precious works of art?” they’d asked.

She could’ve ordered the changes, but she did so hate to see the looks of disappointment on the faces of her little ponies when she told them she was unhappy with their work. In another century or two, when the current staff was… retired… she could order the castle redecorated and get some sensible doors. Maybe something in mahogany…

She groaned as she realized her mind was wandering. Slows days were always like this. She was the leader of an entire nation, but aside from miscellaneous emergencies, raising the sun, checking in on her school, and settling the odd temper tantrum from a noble, there was very little actual work involved in running a near-utopian society.

What she wouldn’t give for a tax bill right about now, or another mare showing up with claims to have birthed one of Blueblood’s bastards? Even an invasion of changelings riding atop griffons would be better than the endless monotony of another Lazy Tuesday. At least she had the Equestria Games to look forward to, but was still nearly half a year away…

She stared at the door, willing it to bring her somepony with something for her to do.

“Open…” she commanded under her breath. “Open… open-open-open-open-open-open-open-open…”

The door opened suddenly, sending her scrambling to return herself to a more regal posture as Dusty Roses, one of the maids from this wing of the castle, entered.

“Your Highness!” she greeted with a low bow. “We just received word that Prince Consort Shining Armor is on his way from the Crystal Empire!”

Celestia’s ears wiggled excitedly. “Shiny’s coming? When?”

“The missive we received said he’d arrive in two days,” Dusty said. “However, it seems that there was something of a delay in getting the letter here on time, so the Prince will be here much sooner than that.”

“How much sooner?”

Their attention was drawn to an open balcony that overlooked the city as the blare of trumpets sounded loudly in the distance. The heralds were accompanied by the roar of what was unmistakably a lion and the piercing trill of whistles and the cheering of thousands of ponies.

“That much sooner,” Dusty Roses said sheepishly.

Celestia rose from her throne as regally as she could despite her excitement at having something to do. She strode towards the balcony with the grace that came from thousands of years of practice at proper posture.

“It will be wonderful to see Shining Armor again,” she told Dusty as the young maid fell into step a few paces behind her mistress. “I haven’t seen him since Luna and I sent him and Princess Cadance to the frozen North to take the helm of the Crystal Empire. I very much hope that the position hasn’t much changed him.”

Celestia walked out onto the balcony and immediately forgot all about her previous state of boredom. Down in her city, moving down the Mane Street thoroughfare, was a procession of no less than two hundred crystal ponies. The parade had everything: dancing mares throwing baskets of flower petals, musicians, pegasi acrobats, fire-breathers, and a veritable menagerie of rare and exotic creatures.

At the head of the parade, just ahead of the conductor and the marching band, was an enormous bull elephant carrying a shaded carriage on its back. Ponies from all over Canterlot had run into the streets to admire the visiting crystal ponies and their display of wealth and prosperity.

“Who’s in that howdah…?” Celestia asked as she leaned forward and squinted into the distance.

“That what?” Dusty asked.

“The carriage thing on the elephant’s back,” Celestia informed her maid, giving her that trademark smile of motherly patience. “It’s called a howdah, my dear.”

Dusty Roses made an impressed little noise. “Neat. I learned something new today. And I think that’s the Prince Consort.”

“Ah, well then it looks like if we leave now we can greet him just as he’s reaching the castle.”

“I really want to see that elephant,” Dusty Roses giggled cheerily. “I’ve never seen one before. He looks real big.”

Celestia chuckled at how cute her little maid was being and led the way out of the throne room at a quick trot. Truth be told, she kind of wanted to see the elephant, too.

* * *

As the procession entered the castle courtyard, Celestia noted that some of the crystal ponies were wrapping up some song that seemed to be about Shining Armor. She’d only caught little bits of it over the cheering of the Canterlot ponies before the song ended, but she did make out a few bars of something that sounded like:

Prince Shiny~

Fabulous, he~

Slayer of Sombra~

Whatever the song was, it was very catchy.

She held her head high and bit back the urge to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Shining Armor had always been an accomplished stallion, but she’d never known him to be so flamboyant. At least it seemed he was taking his role as a foreign dignitary seriously.

The guards admitted the elephant to the inner courtyard with a salute, and allowed the rest of Shining’s entourage to file in quietly behind him. She could tell – even from a distance – that the guards were happy to see their old captain doing so well for himself.

The elephant stopped just short of where Celestia waited at the entrance of the castle and lowered itself into a bow. Shining Armor disembarked from the large creature’s back with an athletic hop.

“That will be all, Samir,” Shining Armor said, addressing the elephant. “Thanks for the ride.”

“You are most welcome, great effendi,” Samir the elephant replied. He deepened his bow a bit and trundled off to join the rest of the entourage in constructing a shanty-town on the royal lawn.

Shining Armor turned back to Celestia and gave her his biggest smile. “Princess Celestia!” he bellowed as he walked up to her and embraced her roughly. “It feels like it’s been so long!”

“Uh, yes, it does,” Celestia agreed. The hug was unexpected, but not unpleasant.

“My wife sends greetings from the Crystal Empire,” he informed her.

“She won’t be joining us, then?”

“No, no, she’s too busy,” Shining Armor sighed. “It’s very difficult to run a country, you know.”

Celestia snerked loudly. “Oh, excuse me, something in my throat.”

“You should see a doctor,” Shining Armor cautioned. “We don’t want you coming down with anything. We need you healthy so you can keep raising that sun!”

One of the crystal ponies – a belly dancer, judging from her attire – cupped her hooves around her mouth and shouted: “You could raise the sun yourself, Prince Shining Armor!”

He spun around and stood up, holding his arms out wide and grinning gleefully. “I’d do it for you, my beloved crystal ponies!”

The ponies, and even the elephant, began clapping and hooting their appreciation. Some of the mares even professed their love openly and without shame.

“What is this?” Celestia whispered under her breath. She bit her lip and tittered with unadulterated amusement. “What is happening here? Am I dreaming…?”

She looked down to her left and noticed that Dusty Rose had disappeared. She scanned the area and spotted the silly girl a bit away, sitting on the grass next to the elephant, swept up in the excitement of cheering for Shining Armor. As the cheers died down, Dusty looked back up to the elephant and continued whatever conversation she’d struck up.

Shining Armor turned back to his host and smiled apologetically. “Sorry about that, my citizens love me so much. I saved their lives, you know? I’m a hero to them.”

A young unicorn stallion wearing a marching band uniform chose that moment to interrupt them. “Mister, Prince, your Highness, c-can I pl-please have your autograph?” the stallion asked as he levitated a quill and an autograph book towards the object of his adoration.

Shining Armor chuckled. “Again? That’s the third time this week!”

“I’m real sorry, but you’re just so wonderful,” the nervous stallion explained.

“It’s fine, but next time, read the room, okay, little buddy?” Shining Armor finished the autograph and passed the book and quill back to his fan.

The fanboy bowed his head low to the ground and backed away without looking up, issuing a string of thanks and compliments the whole way.

“Is this real life…?” Celestia asked herself.

“Before we get interrupted again,” Shining Armor said, addressing Celestia once more. He clapped his hooves together twice, summoning a crystal pony with a paint stained smock and a black beret atop his head. “This is Chiaroscuro, he’s the greatest classically trained painter in all the Crystal Empire.”

“Ah, Princessa!” the artist declared loudly. “Your beauty, it is so – how is it said – indescribable?”

Celestia dipped her head slightly by way of thanks for the compliment. She was used to being told such things, but when you got to be her age, you never tired of hearing how young and beautiful you looked.

“I commissioned a painting from Chiaroscuro for you,” Shining Armor said. “It’s just a little gift from my Empire to your Kingdom – a sign of respect and thanks for always being there for us.”

A pair of stallions appeared, carrying between them an enormous wrapped canvas.

Celestia was taken aback by this sudden turn. “Shining Armor! I don’t know what to say! Thank you, this is so very gracious.”

“I think you’ll like it,” Shining Armor said as he walked up to the covered painting. “We’ve got one just like it hanging up in our palace back in the Empire. Well… not exactly like it. We took the liberty of making a few changes to better match your own décor.”

“I’m sure I’ll love it, whatever it looks like,” Celestia said as Shining gripped the wrapping with his teeth and yanked. The covering was torn away, revealing the painting. “It’s…! It’s…!” She tilted her head curiously, looking at it from another angle to be certain she was looking at what she was looking at. “It’s you…?”

Sure enough, it was a lovingly crafted painting in the classic style, depicting Shining Armor standing tall, on his rear hooves, before the Equestrian Coat of Arms depicting herself and Luna chasing each other as the sun and the moon. The Shining in the painting was posing heroically, bearing his weight on his rear leg and pointing a hoof dramatically into the distance. His face was set in Herculean determination as he held Celestia herself above his head. She was balanced atop one hoof, gazing down at him with her lips pursed in an “Ooooo~” of admiration.

She tilted her head the other way and realized that the pose was meant to signify that he was mid-throw. He was throwing her. Like a javelin.

“It’s us,” he said with satisfaction as he admired the painting for the first time. “Of course, the one in the Empire has me and Cadie. And the flag in the background of that painting is the Empire’s flag, but still, it’s a wonderful reinterpretation.”

“Do you love, Princessa?” Chiaroscuro asked hopefully. He already had tears of pride forming at the corners of his eyes.

“I… I love it…” she lied.

She hated it, but she couldn’t tell him that and break his poor little heart… Crystal pony or not, all ponies were her ponies, and she couldn’t say something so cruel about something he so obviously poured his heart into.

“Oh, happiest day!” the artist shouted as he began to jig emotionally.

Celestia stared at the painting, unsure of what to do in this situation. In all her years, she’d never been given such a strangely inappropriate, yet somehow thoughtful, gift. Where could she even put this thing where nopony would see it? Maybe in the furthest end of one of the castle’s lesser-used wings…

“Take that painting to the throne room, boys,” Shining Armor commanded. He turned to Celestia and raised an eyebrow. “I take it that spot behind the throne is still undecorated?”

“Um… yes…?” she answered dumbly. She immediately gave herself a hard mental slap for not saying that the spot was taken, or that it was intentionally left blank for Feng Shui reasons.

“Excellent!” Shining said as he waved the porters forward.

Celestia was about to speak up to try and weasel her way out of this mess, but one of her own guards stabbed her in the back and chose that moment to make his presence known.

“Captain Shining Armor!” the guard said with a crisp salute. “Good to have you back, Sir!”

“Ex-Captain,” Shining armor chuckled. “I go by Prince now, but thanks, it’s great to be back, Silverwind.”

“Your Highness, Sir! Pardon the interruption, but a group of youngsters just wandered up to the front gate! They were so inspired by your heroic display and tales of your exploits in the North that they were moved to enlist! Half of them want to join the Royal Guard, and the other half want to follow you back to the Crystal Empire and join the Crystal Guard, Sir!”

“Of course they do!” Shining Armor bellowed. He threw back his head and laughed heartily. “Let’s go meet these new troops! Princess, if you’ll excuse me.”

Celestia blinked as Shining Armor raced off to meet his newest batch of fans.

She groaned and headed back into her castle, suddenly longing for the peace and quiet of a Lazy Tuesday. She added the painting to the ever-growing list of decorative changes she’d be making in another hundred years or so.

* * *

Author's Note:

Hope you liked this quick story and thanks for reading! Check out Magello's page (linked in the description) for more of his own writing and artwork!

And while you're at it, check out my spooky story collection, completed just in time for Halloween!

I hope you'll join me for the next dumb pony thing! Please be excited!

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Unbreakable

Unbreakable #1 · Oct 31st, 2014 · 3 · ·

Whaaat? No actual princess throwing? I was so sure he would have given his fan a quick live demonstration of his famous princess throw with using Celestia as Cady's substitute. Well, maybe it's better this way, it's not smart to try her patience too much.

Captain PonySeidon

Captain PonySeidon #2 · Oct 31st, 2014 · · ·

A small thing, but this line here is a bit awkward, with a suggested fix in bold:

“I commissionED a painting from Chiaroscuro for you,” Shining Armor said. “It’s just a little gift from my Empire to your Kingdom – a sign of respect and thanks for always being there for us.”

I look forward to seeing your next piece of pony prose!

djthomp

djthomp #3 · Nov 1st, 2014 · 3 · ·

That was pretty hilarious. Shining is such a dork, and he had an entire Empire of ponies egging him on.

howard035

howard035 #4 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·

5206946 Do you want to snap Shining Armor's spine?

This story is awesome. I would love to see if Shining acts this way when Cadance is around, or if she thinks it's cute. I can definitely understand the Crystal ponies being conditioned to follow a charismatic unicorn stallion warrior. I wish this fic would keep going, and show us Celestia telling him off.

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