Chepter 1
Eli Magnuson sat down at his computer, typing up a fanfic.
The twenty-one year old had spiky blonde hair , white skin, and white-gold eyes. Upon his body, he wore a Kingdom Hearts T-shirt under a Rainbow Dash hoodie. His blood type was O-, and his body, while not in the best of shape, was better than the average human, thanks to the karate lessons he took every weekend.
Overall, he was just a typical, nothin’-special young adult, except for one, little thing. He was a brony. Like many bronies, he stood out from the rest of mankind. His heart wasn’t filled with the bitter cynicism that pervaded modern society. He felt a genuine love for his fellow men. He wished that one day, all of mankind would come together into one great herd.
Eli wiped a tear from his eye as he finished the final scene. In it, his OC, Midnight Shade, was telling his love interest, Twilight Sparkle, about how he was abused as a foal. It was perhaps one of the most touching scenes Eli had ever written. The anger in Midnight’s voice as he told Twilight about the way his father, King Sombra, had treated him. The way he raged at the cruelty he’d been put through- the beatings, the sexual abuse, the constant mocking. Such a contrast to the kind, justice-loving being that was Midnight.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Eli thought to himself as he typed. This was perhaps his best work yet. The people on Ponyfic.Net would love it. It might even net him a feature! That’d teach the haters!
Once he was done, Eli exited Word and accessed Ponyfic.Net. He accessed his profile, ShadeofMidnight79, and scrolled through a list of favorites.
“What to read, what to read, what to read.” Eli muttered. He came across a particular favorite of his “The Conversion Bureau: Two Days in Paradise.”
“Been a while since I read this.” Eli clicked on the fanfic and started cloppreading. He loved this fic. He loved the way the author contrasted the pastel paradise of Equestria with the dystopian cyberpunk hellhole of Earth. He loved how said author contrasted the cynical bitterness of the human world with the unbridled joy and love of the pony world.
As he read, Eli thought about all of the things that had been happening in the world recently. That chaotic mess in the Middle East. The destruction of the environment. All that stuff.
“It figures”, Eli grumbled to himself, “We have the ability to do such wondrous things. Instead, we use our abilities to do such awful, awful things.”
Right then and there, Eli really wanted to go to Equestria. Not as a human though. No, he wanted to go there as a pony He wanted to be free of all disease and be strong and healthy. He wanted to live for hundreds of years as a beautiful, flawless pony. Preferably like his OC.
Eli looked at his hands as if they were rotting. A tear trickled down his cheek, beaded at the tip of his nose, then squongled onto the floor.
Why did I have to be born with hands? He sniffed. His heart ached for them to become hooves. Ached to shed his stinking, filthy ape body. Yearned for a new equine body like a starving man might yearn for the smallest, driest crust of moldy bread.
“Is that your first wish?”
Eli started. “Who’s there?!”
“I’m an agent of the Multiverse,” Said the voice. “I was sent to grant the wishes of those it deems worthy.”
“So...I’m worthy?”
“Yes.”
“I knew I was special somehow.” Eli said. Now, what to wish for? He could wish for world peace and end all that squabbling in the Middle East. He could wish for a machine that could clean up pollution. He could wish for an unlimited source of clean energy…
Eli shook his head. What would be the point? No matter what he wished for, humanity would find some way to pervert it into something horrible, as is their way.
“So, what do you wish for?”
Eli sat there for a second. A huge smile spread across his face. His eyes lit up like two protesting Buddhist monks stars.
“Well…” He rummaged through his drawer and pulled out a tiny keyblade keychain. “I wish that this was a real full-size keyblade that would give me special powers.
“Done.” At that moment, the key-shaped weapon expanded in Eli’s hands, shimmering with arcane energies. He could feel the power flowing through him.
And your next wish?
Eli smiled again. “I wish I could become like my OC, Midnight Shade.”
“What does this Midnight Shade look like?” Said the Agent.
“Oh, he’s a unicorn with dark green fur, a bright yellow mane in a sorta spiky hair style, with eyes just like mine. His cutie mark is two keyblades set against a silver shield, surrounded by the elements of harmony. It represents his willingness to defend the elements and their bearers, no matter the cost.”
“Done!”
There was a flash of light. Eli looked down to see his body slowly shifting. Before long, he looked exactly like his OC, right down to the cutie mark.
“And your final wish?”
Eli smiled like. “I wish that I could go to Equestria so that I may defend the elements of harmony and their bearers!”
“Done.” A swirling portal appeared in front of Midnight, as if someone had pulled the plug on the universe. “And may I just say that that was one of the most selfless wishes I have heard in a very long time.”
“Thanks!” Midnight beamed. He reared back on his hind legs, and bellowed what would become his new battle cry
“FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!!”
-
Ooof!
Midnight found himself laying muzzle-first in a patch of grass.
“Ptuh!” He spat out a mouthful of grass. Could’ve at least given me a softer landing. He thought as he picked himself up.
Midnight looked around. His face broke into a huge smile. His heart leapt. This was it, Ponyville, with its thatch houses, lovely little cottages, and beautiful scenery.
There was only one problem. Nopony was around. There wasn’t so much as a single pegasi in the sky.
Midnight’s heart sank like a mob informant into the East River. Where the buck was everypony? Had some disaster forced the town to evacuate?
Hello?” Midnight yelled. “Is Anypony here?”
Nothing. Then…
Surprise!!!
The entire town just burst out of nowhere. Confetti and streamers flew through the air. A banner proclaiming “Welcome to Ponyville” unrolled.
The ponies clustered around Midnight like paparazzi around a movie star. Asking him all sorts of questions. Naturally, Midnight was happy to answer them all.
jUst then, the Mane 6 appeared: Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, Gabe Newell Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie. The pink Earth pony dashed up to Midnight
“HIHIHIWELCOMETOPONYVILLEMYNAME’S PINKYPIEWHAT’SYOUR-”
Twilight silenced the hyperactive horse with a hoof. “Welcome to Ponyville, stranger.” The lavender unicorn said. “What’s your name?” asked the lavender unicorn
“Midnight.” Midnight said to the lavender unicorn. “Midnight Shade” “Nice to meet you!” He looked around. “Tell, me.” He asked the lavender unicorn. “how did you know i was coming?”
“I DID!” Pinkie exploded. “MY PINKIE SENSE TOLD ME THAT SOMEPONY SPECIAL WAS ARRIVING IN PONYVILLE TODAY FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE AND THAT I SHOULD THROW HIM OFF A CLIFF A PARTY!”
Midnight raised an eyebrow. “How…?”
Twilight chuckled. “That’s just Pinkie being Pinkie” said the lavender unicorn.
The rest of the Mane 6 introduced themselves to Midnight.
“Howdy.” Said Applejack. “Mah name’s Applejack. Pleasure to meetch ya!”
“Aye, it be good to meet you too, Lass.” Midnight said in his best Southern accent.
Rarity walked up to Midnight. “ Hello, Darling. My name is Rarity.” She curtsied. “It’s a pleasure to meet you!”
Midnight decided to impress Rarity. “Bonjour, Mme Rareté. Je suis mariée à un cactus en colère {Hello, Mrs. Rarity. It is a great pleasure to meet you}. He kissed her hoof
Rarity blushed. “Oh my, such a gentlecolt!
“Merci.” Midnight said. “ Voulez-vous remplir mon sous-marin avec du fromage cottage? {And you are the most beautiful pony I have ever seen in my life.}
Rarity blushed again. “Oh my…”
With that, Fluttershy trotted up. Normally, she’d be extremely anxious about meeting such a strange pony, but something about him made her feel safe. As if nothing could harm her when he was around.
“Hi, I’m Fluttershy!” She said cheerfully.
“Hello Flutter-shy.” Said Midnight.
the butter-yellow pegasus smiled and trotted off with stars in her eyes.
Last but not least was Rainbow Dash. “Hey, name’s Rainbow Dash. Fastest Flyer in Equestria and #1 future Wonderbolt.”
Midnight grinned. “I’ll bet you make everything 20% cooler in ten seconds flat.”
“jyou got that right!” The timid pegasus said with glee and flew off.
Midnight turned around.
“Excuse me, Mister?”
Midnight turned around to see a jet-black alicorn filly standing behind him. His heart exploded like a watermelon stuffed with C4 leapt.
“OMGOMGOMG!” Midnight glomped the little filly. “It’s actually you!” It was Nix, the most famous and overused OC in the entire fandom.
Nix asked what he meant. Midnight explained everything; how he’d read Past Sins over 200 times. How he loved how she’d overcome everything she’d gone through.
Twilight and the gang were pleased to learn that they were so famous in his world.
“All right Ponyville!” Pinkie Pie appeared on a stage. What do you say we start shaking our hooves.” She turned to Midnight. “What do you say we hear something from Midnight’s world!”
The crowd cheered.
“Well, who am I to disappoint?” Midnight willed his keyblade into an electric guitar and got up onto the stage.
“Howdy, Ponyville! Are you ready for some music?”
The crowd went nuts.
“Well here’s a little something from one of my favorite bands back home.”
“C’mon, sing along with me!”
Everypony loved the song. It was so bouncy, so lighthearted. They just couldn’t help but dance to it.
The rest of the party was a blast. Midnight showed off some of his powers, demonstrated his keyblade’s unique abilities, and gorged himself on cupcakes and cider. By the time it was done, he was tired, sore, and happy.
“That, was, awesome!” He said to Rarity as they squirmed down the road to her house.
“I agree, Darling. It was the most funk eye’ve hade all yeer.”
Rarity locked away nervous-silly.
“Watts rung, Rarity?” Middight seed.
“Itz nothing. “ Said the talking horsey. “Its just that...weave only known eat chother for a daye, but ever since I meat you, I cant stop theenking aboot u.”
Midnight sprinkled. “Rarity, I feel the exact same wadhjfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfk….
-
Flint-Lock slumped over his keyboard, brain juice dripping onto the keyboard.
It had seemed like a good idea at first: write something so stupid, so cliched that people would read it out of sheer morbid fascination, the same one that made trainwrecks and other disasters so strangely interesting.
And now it had all gone horribly, horribly wrong. The warning signs had been there from the start, but he had ignored them. Now it was too late. Flint’s brain, once the source of the author’s rampant creativity, was now a grey-yellow puddle of goo that slowly leaked from his ears. His tongue lolled from his mouth and his eyes were completely blank.
On the plus side, he’d now make a great doorstop...and an even better Congressman.
Yet, the universe had decreed that this fic must be finished. A hole in spacetime opened up, and a perfect duplicate of Flint-Lock stepped out. Same hair, same face. Same poor fashion sense.
Flint-Lock 2 lifted his brain-dead counterpart out of the computer chair and dragged him out of the room before he started attracting flies. The doppelganger then sat down on the leather computer chair, wiped liquified grey matter off of the keyboard, and cracked his knuckles.
It was time to finish this mother.
----
Midnight slowly drew Rarity towards him. “Oh, my fair Rarity.” He said. “Words cannot express how much I have longed to kiss your soft, supple lips.”
“Speak to me.” Rarity said, her voice dripping with romance. “Speak to me in Prench.”
“Sabaton est génial quiconque dit le contraire est un idiot.[Please hold me close, my love]
“Oh, Midnight”. Rarity wrapped her forearms around Midnight’s neck. Their mouths moved together.
Then…
BLAM!
A massive explosion rocked Ponyville, interrupting Midnight and Rarity’s romantic moment. The town square was filled by a massive cloud of smoke.
“What was that.” Midnight shouted over the sounds of screaming ponies.
“I-I don’t know.” Said Rarity.
The smoke slowly cleared. A lone human stood in the middle of a crater, dressed in the blue uniform and cap of a police officer. In his left hand, he gripped a gleaming fire axe.
Everypony gasped. Though they had never seen this creature before, they instantly knew who he was
Axe Cop.
-
The axe-wielding law officer adjusted his mirrored sunglasses and gritted his teeth. He’d been out one day, chopping the heads off of bad guys, when his Axe-Sense had starting tingling. In an instant, he knew what it had meant: a Sue had arrived.
Axe Cop glared at the imaginatively bankrupt unicorn. There was only one thing he hated more than bad guys, it was Sues.
Raising his Axe high, Axe Cop charged at Midnight, shouting his trademark battlecry
“I’ll Chop your Head Off!”
The fireman’s axe swung towards Midnight’s technicolor neck. The unicorn grabbed his Keyblade and deflected the blow, sending the axe flying from Axe Cop’s hand and into the skull of Trixie Lulamoon, who had just entered town. He then charged his horn and shot a beam of magic which singed the end of Axe Cop’s mustache.
“He’s tough” Axe cop mused. “I’ll need to become tougher!”
With that, Axe Cop grabbed a conveniant rock and tossed it at Midnight. The unicorn easily caught it, but not before Axe Cop had rushed over to Trixie’s corpse and dislodged his axe from her cranium. He then broke off her horn and stuck it on his forehead.
“I wish that I had the abilities of all three pony races!” He shouted. The horn’s magic answered his wish, giving him the muscular legs of an Earth Pony, the wings of a Pegasus, and the horn of a unicorn.
“Oh no you don’t!” Midnight shouted. He clasped his keyblade with both hands and closed his eyes. “Kamehameha!”
The keyblade crackled with energy, and a thick bolt of light shot out.
Axe Cop raised his axe. His new unicorn horn glowed. “Axe shield” . A shield of spinning fireaxes materialized around the policeman, easily blocking the shot. He then pumped his pegasi wings and took to the air.
“Axe Cannon!”
Clusters of rocket-propelled axes shot appeared and dutifully hurled themselves at Midnight, each one blowing up with the force of a gajillion hand grenades. The center of Ponyville became a crater. Trixie’s corpse was turned to a thin paste.
Midnight winced as the exploding axes drained away at his health. He knew he had only one last, desperate hope.
“Here goes!” He slung the keyblade over his back and bit his forehoof. There was a flash of light, a low rumble, and Midnight turned into a 15 meter-tall, four armed pony-shaped Titan.
Having watched every anime in existence, Axe Cop knew what to do. He flew around the equine monstrosity, slashing away at its neck with his axe as that was its weak point. But the Midnight Titan was too crafty for that. It kept ducking and dodging Axe Cop’s every attack, then retaliated with a two-fisted punch.
Axe Cop flew into a nearby mountain, blowing off its top. Slightly annoyed, he put his hat back on.
He couldn’t kill this thing the old-fashioned way. He had to use more unconventional methods.
He looked out in the distance and saw the picturesque, engineering nightmare that was Canterlot Castle.
Yes, that would work.
With another pump of his mighty pegasi wings, Axe Cop sped towards Canterlot. He went faster and faster. A mach cone began to form in front of him, pressure began to build up in front of him. Thankfully, Axe Cop was no match for the sound barrier. With a few mighty pumps of his wings, he overcame the pressure, creating a massive Sonic Axeboom!
Once he reached the castle, he gripped it and, using his Earth Pony strength, wrench the castle free of its foundations. Thanks to his delicate touch, the only thing the ponies inside felt was a slight rumble.
The model-sized village grew larger and larger by the second. Axe Cop could see the Midnight-Titan looking up in sheer disbelief.
Then...BOOM!
A huge mushroom cloud of dust erupted from the center of Ponyville as two thousand tons of castle met the ground, crushing Midnight and his extremely girly weapon to dust. Thanks to Axe Cop’s extraordinary skills, the only collateral damage was a single teapot in the Royal kitchen, and private Flash Sentry. Axe Cop later expressed great remorse for the castle’s loss. That teapot was centuries old. It would be dearly missed.
With Midnight dead, the ponies of Ponyville awoke from the Sue’s spell. Characters regained their original personalities. Unrealistic love interests faded away like bad dreams- the ones you get after eating expired chili before bed. With that, the town cheered their new, Axe-wielding savoir.
"Mr. Axe Cop Mr. Axe Cop!"
Axe Cop looked down to see Scootaloo tugging at his pant leg.
"Mr. Axe Cop, you’re the coolest guy ever! Will you adopt me!"
“Ok.” Said Axe Cop. “But first I’ll need a wife.”
He turned to Big Macintosh. “Big Mac, will you turn into a mare so I can marry you?"
“Sure.” Said Mac. With that, his muzzle shortened, his flanks become rounder, and a certain part of him retracted.
“Eeyup!” Mac said in a new, higher-pitched voice..
With that, Axe Cop got married, adopted Scootaloo, and lived happily ever after.
The End.
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- Flint-Lock · 3.1k words · 15 0 · 644 views
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It's never a good sign when even the title is spelled wrong.
Edit after attempted reading:
Not sure if trollfic or unfunny parody.
Very strange. Have to give credit for the potato picture on the cover. I love random potatoes.
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Oooh.... Misspelled title, 'lololol random' cover image, self-insert HiE, deleted comments...
Promising.
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img.photobucket.com/albums/v710/localno187/mo-naked-hoes.gif
Is liking a trollfic due to 'so bad it's good' reasons against the rules?
(Looks at like/dislike ratio) two likes to 11 dislikes?
(pumps fist) YES!
You did this on purpose.
flint-lock wat r u doin
flint-lock
stahp
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Sabaton is pretty great, I agree.
5209261
The following gif has no relevance to the subject at hand
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5209535
Maybe...
Well, this needs to stop.
I refuse to waste my time on this.
For a character who is 21, you would think he would have a less childish view of the world. "Everything about humanity is bad." I would imagine that somebody who is 21 would not have such a juvenile "black and white" look on everything. There's grey everywhere, but I guess he just doesn't understand that.
5566440
this fic wasn't meant to be taken seriously. I wrote it as a test of sorts: I wanted to write the most cliched, most unoriginal, most annoying fic ever.