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Flint-Lock

Convicted Bibliophile (Buy me a coffee, will 'ya? https://ko-fi.com/flint_lock)

Flint-Lock Joined 10th Oct, 2013 · Offline

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It's been a long night for Sunset Shimmer.

First, she was transformed into a demon. Then she was blasted by a rainbow friendship laser of some kind. Now, as she limps down the hall to her apartment, she's an absolute wreck.

She could really go for a shower.

Special thanks to Georg for proofreading and editing.
Chapters (1)
Complete Published: Jan 8th, 2021 Download
2,645 words
Comments ( 17 )
Dalek-Galvo
Dalek-Galvo #1 · Jan 8th, 2021 · · ·
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This is a great story, keep up the good work. :twilightsmile:

Leo Luce
Leo Luce #2 · Jan 8th, 2021 · · ·
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Great story. I love it.
Like to see more events after the fall formal.

Serpent_Underscore
Serpent_Underscore #3 · Jan 8th, 2021 · · ·
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I saw the story's title, thought it sounded familiar, and clicked it on a hunch. After seeing the first chapter title I knew.

Nice seeing someone else who listens to Celldweller. :moustache: Doesn't hurt that the story itself is pretty good so far.

Tracking.

Cerulean Blue
Cerulean Blue #4 · Jan 9th, 2021 · · ·
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I wasn't expecting this, but I'm glad I read it. Being reborn can be a powerful thing.

Magical Trevor
Magical Trevor #5 · Jan 9th, 2021 · · ·
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I liked it. It might be slightly short, but I don't think the story really suffers for it. I might come back and read this again because I feel there's more I could say constructively, but my brain is not assisting me at the moment. Thanks for sharing!

Shrink Laureate
Shrink Laureate #8 · Jan 9th, 2021 · · ·
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I like it. And it's fine that it's short; sometimes a moment is all a story needs.

There were quite a few typos. For example:

Closing her eyes, Sunset tried to leave the waking world behind, only for ; A few hours of cleaning up the aftermath of her shenanigans while flogging herself over and over again had left her in a peculiar state; drained and wired at the same time.

Did you delete a bit by accident?

The Sleepless Beholder
The Sleepless Beholder #10 · Jan 10th, 2021 · · ·
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Very well done, short but powerful. A good transition of guild to despair to resolution

Aldon
Aldon #11 · Jan 10th, 2021 · · ·
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Amazing short but powerful story :heart:

Awesomo3000
Awesomo3000 #12 · Jan 10th, 2021 · · ·
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The flashbacks broke like a bad fever. For a while, Sunset just sat there on the cheap tiles, rocking herself back and forward. Hot, bitter years trickled down her face.

I think you meant "Hot bitter tears". Aside from that one typo, this was a great read!

Pete100
Pete100 #13 · Jan 11th, 2021 · · ·
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A fresh jolt of pain shot up the former unicorn’s bruised leg. She stopped in the middle of the hall and winced.

Damn, that beam messed her up.

A few years later, the rebel had clawed her way to the top, shifting into the de facto queen of a local high school.

I still don’t know how that happened.

When she coronated herself with Twilight’s crown, that queen had twisted herself into a demon.

That could have easily been avoided.

A few hours ago, she’d wanted hundreds of stallions and mares tending to her every whim, wanted the power of life and death over millions. Most importantly of all, she’d wanted the hard-earned respect of her former teacher.

“Hard-Earned” is debatable.

Thanks, nature. I needed the atmosphere. Sunset groaned, reaching into her jeans pocket and pulled out her smartphone. Surprisingly, it was still intact. It’d been exposed to unholy magical flame, blasted by a rainbow, and slammed into a crater, and the little device was only slightly scratched.

Where did she get the jeans from?

Then again, what were the Principals supposed to say: “ Oh, one of our students gained control of a magical artifact and accidentally turned herself into a she-demon. Then, six girls, one of whom was an alicorn from a parallel universe, defeated her with the power of friendship.” Even back home, it would have been a pretty far fetched story. Here, it’d probably get you committed.

Actually, that would have been amazing.

Not that it mattered. Prank or demonic transformation, her punishment was the same: a two-week suspension, followed by a one-month suspension, and she’d have to assist the construction crews repairing the main entrance. And that wasn’t counting the hundred or so angry classmates who wanted her head on a pike.

Interesting

After what she did, and what she’d tried to do, it was a slap on the wrist.

It really is.

HEY SUNNY THE GIRLZ AND I ARE MEETING ATT SUGARCUBE CORNER @ 1200 TOMORROW WANNA JOIN?

This makes me think, what would’ve happened if they never forgave or gave her a second chance?

As raindrops hammered against the window, Sunset lay there and sighed, staring at the ceiling as if it held the secrets of the universe. Now what? Transferring to another school district wasn’t an option. News traveled fast in this world; by now, the entire world and their mother knew who she was and what she’d done. Already social media would be filled with memes, images, and goddess knew what else.

Wait, really?

Sunset recoiled. Her stomach turned sour. There, right between her shoulder blades, were two massive crescent-shaped scars, like two waning and waxing moons, drawn in angry red tissue.

I think I remember someone making a story about that.

And when that... thing reached into the heads of her classmates, she saw through their eyes. Saw herself as others saw her. To some, she’d been a predator lurking in the darkness. To others, a sword dangling above everyone’s heads. She’d felt the pain of every broken friendship, felt the surge of every panic attack she’d ever induced, felt the betrayal of everyone she’d trampled on her way to the top.

That’s interesting

Something sparked in her head. Maybe... Of course...She had this all wrong.

It wasn’t what Twilight had seen.

A smile slowly spread across her face. It was what Twilight hadn’t seen.

When her former arch-enemy had looked down into that pit, she hadn’t seen the heartless, power-hungry bully. Nor had she seen something broken beyond repair. She’d seen a bottle of poison emptied and rinsed out. A slate scrubbed clean, a blank canvas, the first step on a long journey.

I don’t get it.

P.S: This was a good story.

Rill
Rill #14 · Jan 11th, 2021 · · ·
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Definitely keeping this marked for when I need some inspiration while writing.

DannyJ
DannyJ #15 · Jan 11th, 2021 · · ·
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I liked this. Interesting take on Sunset's first night after the incident, a few cool ideas, prose captured Sunset's emotional state well, and it introduced me to a new Celldweller song, which is always appreciated. Definite good story overall.

However, this really needs another editing sweep. For such a short story, the amount of mistakes I spotted were quite distracting.

So that’s the story they’re going with.

Italicisation mistake here.

Then again, what were the Principals supposed to say: “ Oh, one of our students gained control of a magical artifact and accidentally turned herself into a she-demon. Then, six girls, one of whom was an alicorn from a parallel universe, defeated her with the power of friendship.”

Spacing mistake.

Why? Even if you ignored the events of the previous two years, she’d still stolen a powerful artifact, conspired to overthrow the government, and nearly murdered a princess of Equestria. .
Besides, if her theory was correct, the real culprit was dead. Sunset had been evil, cunning, manipulative. She... she was nothing.

Double periods and a bad line break...

Storming out of the bathroom, Sunset seized the Box of Glory and plucked out a photograph and nearly retched; everything about it made her sick, that smug, arrogant smile that screamed I’m Better than you, that cocksure pose.

Comma splice and a Random Capitalisation.

“I’ll be there,” She wrote.

Tomorrow wasn’t going to be easy; Promise or not, she doubted any of them were thrilled with having to be her friend, except Pinkie, but well, she was Pinkie.

Random capitalisations again.

And to top it all off, ellipses almost never had spaces after them.

Just to reiterate, I did enjoy the actual story content; the writing is all fine. But for the sake of your future readers, I do recommend another round of editing to improve the presentation.

FanOfMostEverything
FanOfMostEverything #17 · Sep 27th, 2021 · · ·
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That first night after the Formal always makes for climactic scene for Sunset. Excellent work with showing her journey through it. A little fast, maybe, but some of this newfound purpose will be eroded by everyone but her designated friends. In any case, you can't keep her down for long. Girl has a tendency to rise like phoenix.

Thank you for this.

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