Dear Idiot
This work of fan fiction contains characters, ideas, situations, and places found in the Hasbro Studios series "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic". No infringement of copyright is implied by this work of satire and parody, and this work is meant as a celebration of the people involved in the creation, development, and production of the series.
Original Release Date: May 15th, 2011
Dear Idiot
Written by The Descendant
To:
His Majesty Prince Blueblood
Prince of Unicorns
From:
Her Majesty Princess Celestia
Reigning Sovereign of the Equestrians
Dear Idiot,
It's probably the doughnuts I'm currently ingesting at what can best be described as a "monumental rate", but I had the sudden irresistible urge to pop you off a letter stating how terribly you buggered up the gala this year.
Again.
In case you were wondering the pleasant little unicorn you trod all over this evening was a personal friend of my Designate. That unicorn, Rarity (which is her name, by the way, in case you forgot it whilst staring at every haunch that walked by), is a shop owner, noted designer, and a holder of one of the Elements of Harmony.
In short, she's accomplished more in the last year than you've done in your entire miserably misspent life, you sad sack of sod.
Her element is that of generosity, one of the six elements…which, I believe, is the same number of venereal diseases you're currently being cured of, correct?
It was my intent that, having let you meet her, you would either do one of two things, namely:
One, rise to the occasion and hold yourself with the grace and bearing of royalty. In doing so you would shine forth with the light of your ancestors, the Progenitors of the Unicorns, and show all whom gazed upon you the ennobled form of a monarch.
Or, two, be a total and utter knob.
Though I dared for one fleeting moment to believe that you would take the first option you, to the surprise of absolutely no one, dove into the second with the same foaming salacity with which you partake of those damnable "Big Haunch" magazines that you, despite my objections, continue to peruse.
Speaking of haunches, I can not help but notice the way your greedy eyes have taken to casting their wanton covetousness over my sister, your sovereign, the Princess Luna Revenio.
Mark my words, Blueblood, in the name of My Father, if I ever, ever, ever, see you staring at her in that manner again your title will be changed to "Blueblood the Gelded" swifter than you can say "royal prerogative"…not that you're able to articulate multi-syllabic words, but you catch my drift.
No doubt you were anticipating this letter being a reply to your recent correspondence asking for an increase in your royal stipend and allowance. I shall forgo my planned response of "Go crawl under the nearest rug and lay there until you smother to death, you gibbering twit," with a simple, "No"…you gibbering twit.
The purpose of the stipend is not (Surprise, surprise, my dear!) to pay for financing you ever-increasing horde of illegitimate foals, alimony, and "hush-hush" payments. It was instead meant to fund your lifestyle as you went about improving the lives of your people, namely my beloved subjects, the unicorns.
And for the sake of general knowledge, the term "lifestyle" here does not translate to "seeing how many body shots you're able to down in one evening before crashing your chariot into the side of the mountain". When I was informed of your accident I was terrified and worried sick…
That mountain is very dear to me!
When I think on you, Blueblood, I wonder about your ancestors, the Progenitors of the Unicorns. I often ponder what they should have done had they been presented an opportunity to gaze into my Pool of Ends and see that their Royal House would devolve to the point where your bloated self should be their scion.
I guess that, rather than establishing a dynasty that would last for thousands of years, they would have taken the first opportunity to simply purchase some clever and sensible hats to disguise themselves and spent the rest of their lives as rock-farming earth ponies.
Speaking of rock farmers, one of my Designate's other friends comes from an old family of geoculturalists. This was brought to my attention by Twilight in an effort to divert me from having the pink pony embarrass herself with a telling of a recent fit of madness wherein she apparently threw a wild party attended primarily by sacks of flour and dust bunnies.
I can only assume from the description of the event and her crippling insanity that being present at that little soirée would have been infinitely preferable than having to sit through another one of your drunken retellings of your "benders", as you call them, and accounts of supposed (and rather unconvincingly fabricated) friendships with any number of celebrities.
As I sit here among Twilight Sparkle and her friends consuming what the foals today would most likely describe as an "epic" amount of doughnuts I am overcome with disappointment.
You are of course familiar with disappointment, are you not, Blueblood? Examples of it are chiefly seen in the faces of the poor mares that you've given the "princely bequeathing" as you call it (though each time you chortle your way through its mention I vomit into my own mouth a touch). I am sure that one of the greatest gifts I could ever give to any of my subjects is to return to each of those unfortunates the moments of their lives that they misspent in your lustful embrace…
All twenty-seven seconds of it.
My disappointment in you arises not from some misplaced sense of nobility or propriety, dear "nephew", but from an understanding of who you really are, who you had…I should like to say have, but, well…the potential to be.
Near me now is Spike, the summoner of my Designate. You will remember, if the narcotics you breeze through at a rate which challenges the volume of water cascading over the precipices of Canterlot on a daily basis have not already numbed your memory, that he is the most recent descendant of the line of a certain dragon I have spoken to you about before.
When you were a young foal how I used to love for you to come to the palace, and how you loved to hear the story of the dragon and how he helped your sovereigns regain themselves. Of how dear he was to me personally…in those days when you and I could actually play at "auntie" and "nephew" with all of your other "cousins" around and listen to stories and have our little tea parties in the garden…
Your mark, you'll remember (if you can shake yourself out of whatever drug-addled stupor you're in whenever this note reaches you), came about when we were off on an adventure to find some of the places I told you about in those stories. Your mark is, of course, a compass rose of gold and purple…just like the colors of that beloved dragon…
That, in my mind "nephew", is the truest depressing irony of this situation…that a pony whose mark is that of cardinal directions could so thoroughly of lost his way in life.
None of your "cousins" in the other royal houses give me such fits. In recent years the House of Pegasi have concluded new terms with the peaceful peoples on our western borders, and the House of Earth has developed a new farming technique that will allow us to feed our people in a new abundance.
In the same space of time the Palace of the House of Unicorn, under your turgid gaze, has become known as "The Gold Mine" by the resident paparazzi of Canterlot and has been subject to a number of suspicious fires.
It is said among the Royal Guard that they determine their rank and status among themselves based on the horrors that they have witnessed in their loyal service to me. You should be interested to note that they consider being on your personal security detail for a few months equivalent to being in continuous combat with our enemies for seven years, including dismemberment.
Speaking of my Royal Guards, the point of having those few attached to you is to keep you from harm if by some random chance a rather deranged (and utterly uninformed of our political situation) pony should make the error of believing you are worthy of assassination.
Therefore, it is of utter importance that you do not send them on "beer runs".
There is deep inside me some cynical part that would like to whisper to the guards how not entirely unfitting it would be that, if you were assaulted and being pummeled mercilessly, that they should take some sudden interest in the local flora and fauna.
I would never let that happen of course. It would look terrible for pictures of the Royal Guard chasing butterflies to be found in the local papers.
Oh Blueblood, you must not think, upon reading this letter, that your "aunt" hates you. Please never think that. It's more akin to a general disgust at the thought of your existence, or revulsion at having to share the same continent with you. If it were possible for me to get grey hairs you, sir (and I use the term loosely), would be responsible for my sudden descent into a state of monochromaticism.
I…I remember many things, Blueblood. Your old "auntie" has seen things beyond your comprehension to imagine. My remembrances of ponies now dead and gone for millennia are as fresh in my mind as the nights mere decades ago that you, as a foal, spent sick and racked with fever. I remember the heat that fell from you as you huddled against my side as I stood for your mother and father as they wore away with worry, unable to sleep for the fear.
I remember coming to them, in your room, the morning after you awoke. We had waffles, dozens…you were so hungry. Waffles, Blueblood! Warm and slightly gooey on the inside! Waffles!
Where is that bright-eyed foal, Blueblood? Where is that dutiful and responsible child? Where is the adventurous colt with dreams and hopes I rejoiced in? Did he, in truth, die there in the dark? Did death claim him as he lay with his head resting on my flank, fighting for breath? Did he, like almost everypony else I've ever known and loved, go down the long stairs into the Well of Souls?
Are you, in fact, some demon? Are you some malicious spirit, claiming his body? Are you not unlike Nightmare Moon, who sought to steal my sister from me? If I thought that true, "nephew", I would have destroyed you utterly years ago…my rage would have been unshackled and the very foundations of Equestria would have rocked with it. My enemies, the enemies of my people, waiting as they are over these mountains, would have cowered in fear in their tower as the sound and fury of my wrath broke the chains of the sky…
But I know that is not true…and I am left looking for more mundane reasons to explain your utter lack of sophistication.
Now I am waxing poetic. It must be these damn doughnuts. They are unbelievably good. I'd seriously consider launching an investigation into these things but I do believe I'd rather stand here and moan with pleasure at each bite.
I remember other things, "nephew", like your ancestors, the Progenitors. I remember as they came down through the hills, my father calling them out of heaven. How we alicorns promised to guide them, the royalty of each of the three races, how the Equestrians became one race through our teaching and benevolence. How we promised to be as a second family to them…how I, though not related to any of you by blood, became "aunt" to you and all your "cousins" for generations uncounted.
Had I taken the time to look into the future then, the timid foal I was, I would have had some scribe put into writing my duties, and have it checked by Royal Lawyers.
You are not the first of your House to have such worrying affect upon me. In a generation removed from you higher than you can count (Yes, dear, more than three!) a relation of your mother was such an enthusiast of bacchanalia that his actions make your current lifestyle seem like some sort of tea-totaling Puritanism.
I distinctly recall having to evacuate Canterlot to disinfect the city after one of his "better nights".
You will be happy to note that I cured him of his uselessness to the ponies he was supposed to be serving. There is a statue of him in the Market Square if you'd like to see him (and if you are still able to go outside in daylight).
You see, "nephew", that's what we do with our heroes…we give them nice statues. He found himself out there, the pony he was supposed to be, in the mountains beyond the Everfree.
How would you do out there, I wonder? There's always room in the ranks of my Regular Army, the dirt-covered patriots who shield us from harm. I think it would be easier for you to determine your purpose, to recall your mark, out in the wilds and before our battle flags than in the nightclubs, don't you think?
Don't worry! I'm sure I can find somepony to fill in for you whilst you are out there under artillery fire! Why, around me right now are three unicorns I'd consider in a heartbeat! Even Joe, the proprietor of this shop, would be a better Prince of Unicorns! If I were to choose him you'd be out of my un-greying mane and I should have doughnuts!
You would think that my obvious choice would be Twilight Sparkle, as she is among the most wonderful students I've ever taught. But I have other purposes for my Designate, something far beyond a mere symbolic regency.
Of course, that brings us back to Rarity. Rarity, you will recall if you are not tripping out of your mind, was the reason I sent you this letter. You see, she knows her own heart…it is in fact her heart that is reflected in her outward beauty. My Designate has provided me with enough evidence of what she is, in fact what all of these ponies she surrounds herself with are made of, that I would be most confident in replacing you with her. Princess Rarity…interesting.
I'm sure there's a matter of protocol involved in replacing a prince, most likely some daft ceremony. I'd expect that there'd be letters of protest as well. I would put both of the letters in a manila envelope and send it down to Records to be filled as "Hamdingers" in a room marked "Beware of the Cockatrice".
This is of course all theoretical, and at the moment is undoubtedly being fueled by the pounding sugar high which is coursing through my body as I devour these decadent doughnuts. If I have even one more I'm probably going to knight Joe…forget that, probably make him a landed lord. They are seriously that good.
Blueblood, if this letter has been very hard for you to take it is because I have such high expectations of you. I have suffered things that, no matter my current opinion of your ways, I would not even whisper to you…sparing you the emotional damage that their telling would cause you or any other pony to suffer.
I have suffered these things because I love my ponies…my little ponies who are so dear to me. I will not see my effort and their hopes squandered for the benefit of a spoiled stallion whom was once a gentlecolt.
I hope to see dramatic improvements in your status both as a prince, as a unicorn, and as an Equestrian within the next year, Blueblood. If I do not then, well, we shall have to begin "exploring our options".
I am willing to help you do this, to turn your life around, as I always have been. All of my experience, power, magic, and might are at your disposal to help you do this. I believe you can...I know you can. I am, after all, an eternal optimist.
And I do mean eternal.
Love,
"Auntie"
Procer Celestia Invictus
Reigning Sovereign of the Equestrians
P.S. Do try to find a new outfit before the next gala. You look like you're trapped in the 700's. Enjoy the enclosed doughnuts.
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That picture....
Should have had him shipped to the military a long time ago.. Although that would probably give the military headaches
That letter....
This is a perfect example of comedy I had tears of laughter in my eyes
I had to stop reading this 5 times due to laughing so hard I started a coughing fit.
Blueblood in the military is a funny idea but I doubt he would make it past basic training. Heck from the sound of it I doubt he'd make it past the initial physical screenings.
Now, Celestia.... stop holding back. Tell us what you really think.
(This letter is FUNNY. Well done! And I want to know what's in those doughnuts!)
If you think you hate him after this wipe your mind and read this The Colour You Bleed
Looks wait why isn't there a luna or blue blood emotion
This. Entire. THING.
Great work!!! This is hilarious shit!!
These doughnuts of which you speak... I do wish to partake of them.
It was actually quite nice to see that this really had quite a bit going on in it... we've got the (rather fun) Blueblood bashings, the gibbering twit... then we have a bit of how Equestria works... we even get a tiny piece of Blueblood's backstory. I was hoping midway through that it would stray from the easy path denoted by the title and it definitely did. Nice work.
23810 Why would one hate after this? He's much too pathetic to hate.
I don't see what's so pathetic about getting laid and living his life as he pleases, but alas, virgin bronies will always hate the alpha male character
Because alpha males are twats in real life?
23849
The Alpha Male is, and always will be, Big McIntosh.
This is like... Trollestia with a reason.
Highly approve! You should do more of 'em.
Reads again
Man that's rich im still laughing inside :D
There's so much win in this that it's oozing out of my screen, and has stained my keyboard.
Wow. Celestia is a harsh sugar-drunk.
Not saying she's wrong...but perhaps THIS letter is what jump-started the events of Autumn Wind's "To Be A Better Stallion".
23873
Correct.
23873
MacIntosh
There's an a ther, 'ya know.
23810 No thanks, i hate that bastard after reading this comic
http://siansaar.deviantart.com/art/after-gala-257116775
http://siansaar.deviantart.com/art/after-gala-2-257271911
Blueblood has sex with girls, that's more than any brony can say
ever
I must say, I've always found this story hilarious! "That mountain is very dear to me!"
Ah, yes, I remember reading this when it came up on Equestria Daily some time ago. Still a personal favourite.
23777
...
Glad you liked the choice...
Thanks for reading!
23780
...
Only for a little while, is my guess...
Thanks for reading!
23789
Glad you enjoyed the read!
23795
I'm very glad you did, seems like I managed to get a few laughs out of people!
23801
Please don't sacrifice your health on my account! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
23803
Yes, I have to imagine that Tia wouldn't really be too obscure about her thoughts when the well-being of her ponies are on the line. Oh, the secret ingredient f the doughnuts? It's love...and lard, mostly lard, but love too!
23810
My personal favorite "psuedo-response" is by Lurks-no-More on DA: Redeeming Blueblood
Thanks for reading!
23820
Heh! Thank you so much!
23826
I'm very glad you enjoyed it!
23846
Yes, thank you for mentioning that. The real "purpose" of this fic wasn't to tear Blueblood a new one, but instead to help define his actual relationship to Tia, and what his responsibilities were as a "prince". His uselessness was just the chosen instrument...Thank you for noticing that. Thanks for reading!
23849
Thanks for reading anywho...
23954
I hate the whole Trollestia thing, in all honesty...I hate all of the Extreme Character Derailments. We don't know much about Tia when it comes down to it, but I don't think I was too far off by stating that if one of her "nieces" or "nephews", the royalty of the races, were to become a burden to her people she wouldn't make it very clear to them what was about to happen. Tia is shown a jokester, but not the harmful one she's portrayed as in the fandom. This is all IMHO, of course.
Any suggestions for "justified targets" if I were to do another? Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment!
23981
Thank you so much!
24016
Sorry about your keyboard! Thanks for reading and commenting!
24070
I've had a couple of people ask me in the months since this was released how I would "feel" if somebody wrote a reply letter or a story based on the outcome. I of course replied that they were free to do whatever they wish, I have no real right to any claim over the idea...the only thing I asked is that the reply not be a "revengefic" and instead have a purpose like this one. Thank you so much for stopping by to read!
24362
Thanks for reading anywho...
24516
Well, thank you very much for saying so!
24544
Yes, this story is a few months old. I'm glad you enjoyed it than and now!
That was so funny that I literally fell out of chair laughing, normally your stuff goes from an average tone with some light comedy, throw in a little suspense then shift tones to extreme depression and tear jerking moments and finally returning back to the shire with a triumphant feel good ending. This was just a straight up comedy and I loved every line and thought it was supposed to be a roast of some sort, because of the way Celestia tears into Blueblood.
I like the Idea of Joe's Doughnuts being so good that they can cure cancer and be grounds for Lordship.
I also like how you made a Prince Bluebood into Charlie Sheen: booze, broads, STD's, bastard children, car crashes and drugs.
More in character than I would have expected from what initially appears to be a bashfic. I heartily approve, and shall favorite this story. Well done.
25095
You asked me if there were some more "justified targets"... Right now I think everyone in MLP:FiM is acceptable (except the bastard portrayed here)... Maybe in future episodes some other dick head might pop up. Untill then, keep it up!
24070
Ahahaha, that's hilarious. Thanks for the shout out.
Also, this fanfiction is absolutely hilarious, I love it, and I particularly love "Brutally Honest Celestia."
Oh my sacred sparta, this was awesome
25598
If my stories ever begin to repeat their theme too much let me know, I'd appreciate it. I'm very glad you found this so funny!
27514
I tried my hardest to keep this from becoming a "revengefic" or a "bashfic". I'm very, very glad you seem to agree that it didn't. The real point was to explain how Celestia and Blueblood were "related", what the duties of the royalty of the races are, and give some small hints about my personal fanon...Blueblood was just the tool I used to get there! Thanks for reading and commenting!
27910
Heh, I shall strive to do my utmost!
28189
Thank you so much!
I'm very glad you liked it!
28196
Hilariously written. I'd love to see Celestia fire off a letter to Trixie.
holy shit dude. everything you write is frigging amazing!
30071
...
I'm very glad you liked it. I hadn't considered a Trixie one...
36115
Thank you! I appreciate that!
25095
"I hate all of the Extreme Character Derailments"
Um... How about the one RIGHT INSIDE THIS STORY?
Anyhow, this went WAY beyond admonishment. This was downright MEAN. You can't tell someone you wouldn't care if they get hurt (or worse)
in a car crash and still expect them to think they have your best interest at heart. Or listen to anything you have to say in the future. Why would he?
Seriously, why? She basically told him "go die in a fire". And not even to his face, but in letter form so he can't defend himself.
I've seen fanart where this letter makes him turn his life around, and I don't see it. This is more like Owls Well That Ends Well, only Blueblood actually has reason to leave.
Oh Celestia, this is HILARIOUS!
Seriously, I can't stop laughing at it! It's funny that Celstia cares for others, even MOUNTAINS, more than Blueblood. Or that serving Blueblood for a few month is more torture than fighting wars! I just love this story, dude. Must. Stop. LAUGHING!
Dear Celestia, this is amazing! I nearly fell out of my chair laughing!
38491
I am far from perfect, and have many flaws...but hypocrisy is not one of them. Compared to the utterly horrific monster Blueblood has been made out to be by some people in this fandom my portrayal of him as a self-obsessed hedonist comes across as merely banal, and is based on the habits of the idle rich and petty nobility...not unlike some of the characters in the Fitzgerald novel you've taken your rather temporary username from.
As for your second concern, the time may come when the best thing you can do for someone you love is slap them upside the head and tell them, "Listen you idiot, stop doing that thing that is hurting you before you die."
In regards to your third concern, if this had been a regular story instead of a letter most people would not have found it funny. I had absolutely no interest in writing Blueblood "defending himself" as that would have interrupted the lofty and noble purpose of the story...namely, it would have gotten in the way of "the lulz".
Though your comments make your dislike of the story abundantly clear, the overwhelming majority of readers, commentors, and people in the fandom have enjoyed this story as written. I do not need to apologize for having written a harmless little story that so many people have enjoyed. I am sorry that you did not like this work, and I hope that your disapproval of one of my stories won't dissuade you from considering reading the rest.
Also, where did you see fan-art inspired by this work? Do you remember the artist's name? I'd like to thank them.
40583
Thank you so much for saying so! I'm very glad you enjoyed it!
41069
Whoops! Don't go getting yourself hurt on my account!
43417
Shadow-Scrub on Fur Affinity did a piece inspired by your work. It's called "My Little Pony: Dear Idiot", and if you search for Blueblood you should find it on the first page.
And yes, you are right. You don't need to defend yourself against anything, especially not some random anon over the Internet. That you still adressed my concerns is commendable.
I still don't think I'm wrong though. All throughout the story I got angrier and angrier- at Celestia. The part with the mountain clinched it, because- as I've tried to make clear in my first post- whatever else she had to say, after writing to Blueblood she cared more for a bunch of rocks than him, he SHOULDN'T care about the rest of her letter. (I do know that mountain is more than just a bunch of rocks; I've read Heart of the Mountain too. Blueblood however doesn't, couldn't know. So what does that leave him with?)
And because he didn't have a voice, I kept empathising more with him than with her, because it felt... unfair. Maybe I'm just incapable of reading a story simply for "the lulz", but if that's the case, I don't think it's something I need to apologise for.
43560
That you took the time to write a reasoned, logical argument speaks well of you as well.
Loved it! It's great to see this side of Celestia. In the show she's mostly portrayed as perfectly regal and kind (with a couple rare exceptions), and most fanfics I've read seem to either portray her as completely benevolent or, well, Trollestia. You, on the other hand, balanced the different aspects of her personality rather well.
Also, it was hilarious. Her frequent asides about doughnuts were great. My favorite part, however, would have to be the bit about filing the letters of protest under "Hamdingers" in a room marked "Beware of the Cockatrice". I'd been chuckling under my breath up until then, but that part actually cracked me up.
This story kinda hit me hard.
My little brother was basically the Blueblood you described here. A cute little kid who went from someone I knew to a piece of crumpled paper in only a few years.
I never knew why.
I was angry. At him for doing this. At me for not being able to help. ANd I did try and help. Everyone did. Be he just kept destroying himself.
I'm sorry to say I didn't laugh at this story once. That is not a complaint. I just can't find any humor in this.
But what I did find was that frustration that consumes me every time I think of my brother. Celestia spoke it so perfectly. She was angry - she wanted to be angry, she wanted to just yell - but she could remember that once there had been something good there. Once, there was something that filled her with pride and hope. And this had driven her to despair - she could barely even write rationally.
Knowing what I do of that type of person, it rather pained me to think that Blueblood'd be lucky to make it a year. I was rather fond of the character - there had been some good fic's to explain and deepen the character (I've never cared for redemption) and enjoyed ones where he grew a little or matured a little.
Here? He's beyond hope. He's beyond salvation. I hate you for writing it, but it was a beautiful, beautiful story.
Thanks.
44492
I'm very glad you enjoyed the mutual "MST3K" and "Guide" references!
44638
I have always been of the firm belief that an artist, be it in a visual or creative medium, loses his or her right to tell anyone how to "feel" about one of their works once it is released. No feeling that a work evokes in one of my readers is "bad", they have the firm right to feel however they do about my work...the only thing that I ask is that the work be judged on it's merits rather than on what they believe I was attempting to convey as some sort of "message" or "moral".
I think your reply captured that perfectly. The powerful emotions you recorded here are entirely legitimate. I accept your hate...and you have my thanks for stating that this was a beautiful story.
that was funny...
so very, very funny.
also the writing was top-notch, it was attacking Blue Blood and was very well written.
what is it with the two ruling sisters in Equestria and doughnuts? They are seemingly always addicted to them...
Tell us how you REALLY feel, Celestia.
It would be quite interesting to expand on this especially if blue blood somehow managed to get his act together or even just another one shot of him receiving the letter and then attempting to rationalize his lifestyle to both himself and Celestia could be very interesting and funny
46403 You know, I actually had no idea they were references at all, believe it or not. I guess funny words like "Hamdingers" just make me laugh?
49091
I'm very glad you enjoyed it!
49303
...
Heh, she was a little reserved, eh? Hope you liked it...
49881
I have thought about doing a follow-up, but there have been a lot of fics that have taken this concept (not actual sequels, just similar lines of thought) that have, in short, been better than what I could do.
53428
See? You learned something! Hooray!
58017 To be perfectly honest, I only laughed one time in it...I think it was at the part where it said something about the royal guard chasing butterflies or something. On my parody of "Cupcakes", entitled "Muffins", a few people commented that it "tried too hard to be funny, and thus just wasn't that funny". Naturally, I disagree, but...that's kinda what I saw here. Please don't get upset or anything; it was INCREDIBLY well-written and you could tell that a very good writer crafted such a brilliant piece of writing. But...well...it just seemed that it was trying too hard to be funny, and thus it stopped being funny about halfway through...at least to me.
Allow me to explain a bit more. In every comedy movie and comedy book, there's stuff that makes you laugh, right? Or, stuff that's SUPPOSED to make you laugh. If there's not, then it didn't do a very good job. When you use a joke, a pun, a gag, a prank, or anything else that is comedic, it should work for the situation and should've be overused; too much of a good thing, you know. When I read this...it seemed like every single paragraph, sentence, and WORD was trying to be funny by its insulting description. That's probably what you intended, and you succeeded, but...I think you kinda just made it a BIT over-the-top and it was slight overkill. Yes, Blueblood probably deserves it...but, in all honesty, I kinda think it was trying TOO hard to be funny.
What would've worked better, possibly, is ending every other paragraph with the zinger or the punchline, but not every single sentence. Things stop being funny if they're constantly overkilled and constantly in-your-face, just like the same with horror and romance...unless that's honestly what you're looking for you and you don't mind. For example...uh...look at "Friday The 13th". You don't see Jason cutting up someone in every single scene; that would just get very boring and would just ruin the story. In "Scary Movie", a somewhat believable plot is put into place, but there's obvious jokes and hilarity put in at certain points that it works. Even back in the black and white days, "The Three Stooges" didn't even overkill the slapstick; they weren't ALWAYS hurting each other...just in every other scene, usually.
I'm sorry for leaving a long and probably rude-sounding comment, but it's just been on my mind and I felt like writing it. Please don't hate me...since, judging from this "letter", I fear you could use some very creative and clever insults that would leave me waving a white flag in ten seconds flat. I was just saying what was on my mind. Despite what I said, I STILL gave this "story" five stars and I did enjoy reading it; I was just telling you what I thought. You are a great writer, very talented, and you do have a gift. Overall, a great job.
58212
Ripping someone apart for articulating their honest opinion in the form of a constructive criticism isn't my style, so don't worry about that!
As I said above, I've always felt that an author loses the right to tell his readers "how to feel" once his story is released. This has helped me in some stories, such as this one, and hurt me in others. In the end I stick with it though. If you didn't find it funny then that is entirely your right. I'd like to thank you for stating that you found the work enjoyable on other levels though...you're one of the few who have said that, and you have my thanks.
Thank you again for reading and taking the time to comment!
23780
People make the eternal mistake of assuming that shipping a jerk to the military will turn them into a worthwhile person.
More often than not it simply turns them into a uniformed jerk, and a nightmare for their fellow soldiers.