Gamer,Brony, and Creapy Pasta reader (sort of).
Spike Fanfictions5,587 stories ·2,955 members
Twilight and Spike2,222 stories ·966 members
Twilight is a brilliant unicorn, however, she is bullied a lot at school. But, she never tells anyone. Then one day she was found in the garden, by Celesta's son an alicorn, Spike. On that day they became friends and Spike grew a crush on Twilight. On her senior year, the bullying starts to take its toll.
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8400133
wow sombody dosnt like critisism
EDIT: or help
8400148
No, it just my proof reader's notes.
8400159
8400171
wow... 30 "comments" that were basically edits... if I might suggest, next time you should REALLY PM the list of edits, or just lump all the edit suggestions into a single comment, rather than nearly a full comment page worth
Oh goodie a dark TwiSpike story
Now give me blood!
Eventually!!!
Obviously I can't claim to be any sort of world-class writer, but at the same time, I feel like there were some quite basic things you missed here.
I'm not going to go through and pick out every single mistake or awkward sentence structuring, but suffice it to say that there are a few. Judging from the sheer number of deleted comments, Tilgoreth gave this story a lot of editing, but honestly it probably needs a bit more. In terms of errors, the most common are,
1) Simple spelling errors, for example "She meets a young alicron" in the short description, or "orah" when you mean "aura"
2) Awkward sentence structuring. One example I picked out was
which honestly just reads oddly. I assume you want something more like "Spike, wanting to break the silence, asked Twilight about her life."
3) Incorrect punctuation, such as forgetting to use question marks:
and using commas to connect two clauses which should be either connected by a semicolon or put into two sentences:
4) Repetition of words. The most obvious example of this is the long description, which is only fifty-eight words long but contains "however" four times. The short and long descriptions are what any potential reader will see before your story itself, and frankly, the quite poor quality of the descriptions belies the quality of your writing in the story, which is actually better.
Maybe Tilgoreth never got a chance to look at them (meaning they're completely unedited), but I would really recommend improving or rewriting your short and long descriptions so you don't turn readers off before they've even read your story.
Anyway, these are just purely grammatical things, but they will really improve the overall impact your story has. In terms of the story itself, I feel as though your pacing and your presentation of the characters could do with some work. This is especially true of characters' motivations: for example, I don't know who the bullies are or why they did what they did, so the impact of their bullying is rather lost and just becomes a little confused.
However, these are probably things someone with more authority as a writer could explain better, and they would probably be able to give more constructive feedback in these areas. Nonetheless, I would definitely recommend going through and editing at least the grammar once or twice more, as currently it definitely detracts from the story itself.
Reading this back, I've just realised this is a much longer comment than I intended. I do hope you've read it all, and I do hope I haven't come across as a massive dick. I'm not just trying to mindlessly insult you; my purpose with this is to give you some legitimately constructive feedback to help you improve as a writer. And, whatever you do, don't give up. Keep writing, and hopefully you'll get to publish many more stories in the future
8432071
You're not being a dick. I'm still kind of new to writing and this is my first time writing without an editor. I'm looking for a new proofreader. Are you interested? Or you could be my editor.
8432090
Sorry, but I'll have to decline. I don't really consistently have enough free time to proofread much, nor am I knowledgeable enough when it comes to writing to really give useful feedback as an editor. Thank you for the offer, though.
8432071
I'm thinking to make a chapter that is the entire story but better edited because I want to finish what I have right now.
Historien var fantastisk! Jeg elskede karakterudviklingen og måden du overgik mellem scener! Din beskrivelse gjorde mig glad, og jeg håber du klarer dig godt! Sørg for at du ikke lægger saucen i vasken!
8433255
what does 'Make sure you don't put the sauce in the sink mean?' Note, I did use google translate so It could be wrong.
This is sweet. I hope it updates regulatory. I would like to see what happens when the bulling gets worse.
ok sweet start, I hope this one going to be update a lot.
ahhh i hope those bullies will pay for cause twilight to want to kill her self, um are the CMC alive and together yet cuase if so the bullies need to be put in charge of watch and pay for all the damage the CMC do.
Go Spike. That was awesome. My only complaint is that friendship morphed fast.
8480640
Well, their friendship grew over three years.
8481118
Off screen for 3 years
so on scale of 1 to clean up discord home for the next 50billion years how much trouble are those bullies in
8498103
Well, it depends on who’s punishing them. The principle is a 200 on your scale, Celesta is 1,000, and Spike is to bind their souls with Discord (aka they can only die when he does) and make them clean his house for the rest of their lives.
8498712
good to knew
The story has good potential, just needs a bit more editing and the pacing needs to be fixed. It feels like things are happening too quickly in this story.
8501770
I’m not the best, but it’s good to know how I can Improve. So, in your opinion, how would I improve my pacing? I don’t have good luck when I come to editors lately. How, would you say I can improve my chances? I already put out requests on the forums.
8501780
Well, for the pacing, I'd slow things down a little. It feels like there was barely any story before Twilight took the knife to her throat. Maybe add some more story elements before something big like this. In this instance, you could of had a little flashback scene where Twilight brings Spike home for dinner one night, and have her family just be completely stunned that she actually knows the Prince.
8501800
i can see chapter even if it flash back of right before prom when twilight dad being the typical over protective "if u harm her i going to kill you" thing that dads in many old shows and movie do when it come to they daughters.
8519855
Without missing a beat Spike would be like "If you kill me, my mom would probably kill you."
8519996
I think he be more of "yess sir I wont let any harm come to you daughter" being more afraid then after two leave to go to prom twilight make the comment cause him to facehoove.
8519855
That would be more Shining Armor.
8520352
true that
I forgot to like and follow
I wonder what going to happen next,
0.0
Did you mean “wrapped”?
9931196
Shit, I did NOT see that. Ya, it was wrapped.
Please continue this story!