Ponytron has Fallen after eons of conflict against the Kulasepticons. All the Autoponies have left for the stars and one ship has just left orbit, aboard it is Celestia Prime, Leader of the Autoponies. The ship heads for the hole in space to a distant world rich with energy that could be used to restore Ponytron However the ship pursuing them, aboard it Nightmare Moon, Leader of the Kulasepticons has other plans. Which include the Autoponies end once and for all. During the scuffle the Auto pony scout Twilight Sparkle is critically injured, as she struggles to hold on to life, her life flashes before her eyes, slowing down to the final days of the war. This isn't the war, this is...
The Fall of Ponytron.
Rated teen just In case and robot gore.
Additional tag: Twilight, and Fluttershy (because of Flutterlock)
I do not own any of these characters, this is made for entertainment purposes only.
Tirek is a tag because he has the role of Starscream. Yes the other Mane Six will appear but not Pinkie as she already has her role in Transformares Prime and her character doesn't appear in this sadly.
New cover image courtesy of Cobalt Legion very awesome cover maker.
AWESOME! Can't wait for the next one!
5188229 good cause that one explains the Origins of Fluttershy's anger giving her the role of Grimlock.
I dunno, but shouldn't the villain(ess) be something like "Megamare Moon" or "Nightmare Moonatron"?
5188462 I see what you mean but that would seem Waaaaaay too cliche. Plus her name is shortened from Nightmare Moonatronus like how Megatron was derived from Megatronus, the original name of the Fallen.
5188820 I see your point. Perhaps that would be too cliche.
5189338 in more ways than you can imagine. Maybe tomorrow a new chapter shall be posted up and a piece of another that will be regularly updated until complete.
5214348 Mirrorverse Celestia
Time for the 'Cons to feel the LOVE!
Um, sorry to rain on your parade, but tirek is a centaur. A minotaur is half human half bull, while a centaur is half human half horse.
5215804 I made him a Minotaur so he would be able to move around better without those other clunky black feet behind him.
5215553 especially Nightmare Moon that's for sure.
5215834 oh, in that case, carry on
5215839 of course. Plus... would you want an extra pair of legs you didn't even need sense you had hands?
So no one feels sorry for Fluttershy on how she lost her entire life's work and everything she cared for was destroyed?
5215969 hey
dont think we dont feel sorry. For me, it's too hard to find the words for what happened.
5217176 I just fixeed it so now it's easier to read.
5214348 here's the List.
O... okay, that's how, it works very well
5338851 see?
Cutie Mark Dinobot Crusaders. Right then.
5631833 eeyup.
I really enjoy the story, but I feel like it could be even better if you ran some of it by an editor at some point.
Things I noticed-
- "Eventually, the war eventually took it’s toll" (Unnecessary repetition is unnecessary)
- "despite having armor in places we won’t go into." (What are you implying here, and why are you implying it? e_e)
- "Celesta cared for Twilight like a daughter, and she a vast knowledge with a love of learning." (What's the second half of the sentence saying?)
- "The Kul’asepticons were the reason the golden age and it technologies was all but lost to war." (Change "was" to "were" and "it" to "its")
- "As if on que for when it was seen, cables from the ship extended down than struck the bridge at the front." (Some spelling errors and the wording is kinda weird, change it to "As if on cue, cables extended down from the ship then struck the bridge at the front.")
- "Luna looked overlooked Twilight and gave Celestia the status." (Did you mean "Luna looked over"?)
- "snuck around her and mêléed her" (What's up with the markings on the e's?)
- "her blade hidden under her right arm coming out to do more damage" (Use "foreleg" rather than "arm")
- "They past another door and Twilight couldn’t help herself" (Change "past" to "passed")
- "Applejack managed to calm down Twilight as Twilight remembered hat Unicorn looked at her with a smile on her face as Nightmare made sure if she couldn’t get Twilight to tell her the secrets, she wouldn’t tell anyone anything again. Twilight came out of her brief anger, They turned to the hallway seeing a cable in place in it’s middle but they looked up and saw a aqua-green jet blow up the line of it, causing a chain reaction and the explosion from there stemming to the cable’s end blowing it up, and causing several pipes in there to leak then light up, spewing out flames." (Paragraph overhaul. "Applejack managed to calm down Twilight as Twilight remembered that Unicorn looking at her with a smile on her face, as Nightmare made sure that if she couldn’t get Twilight to tell her the Autopony's secrets, then she wouldn’t tell anyone anything again. As Twilight came out of her brief anger they turned into a hallway, and saw a cable pierced through the middle. They looked up and saw an aqua-green jet destroy the cable's line, which exploded and set off a chain reaction of explosions through the cable, causing several pipes to leak then ignite, spewing out flames.")
- "as she had gotten a perk, so now it would take twice as much to take her down." (That's game lingo, use "an upgrade" or something similar)
- "As the other Autoponies like Cadence found out, they could project holograms to help blend in when on another world." (Cadence is Metroplex and my hat is bread, your logic is invalid.)
- "“We have Ammo and Health over here in case you need some.”" (More game lingo, try using "Energon" or something instead.)
- "She dragged herself up and out, and saw Celestia and Nightmare sword fighting, Nightmare certainly looked different, she looked as though she trained harder than any gladiator of Kaon ever did, and she was still the slender demon Twilight remembered but she was still larger than before and had little armor on, before she had lots of armor to make herself look more menacing, but this was on a whole new level as she was the same, but the armor was smaller. " (You have a lot of "and still"'s there, even though you seem to be noting differences in how Nightmare currently looks and how she used to look.)
General things - Try using "pony mode" rather than "normal mode." - Only include an apostrophe in "it's" if you can replace it with "it is" - "Than" is for comparisons, "then" is for time (Taller than her; then she made her move) - You have a bunch of random words capitalized
Edits-
- [Previous chapters as well] "Turret," not "turrent"
- [Also previous chapters] "Neutron" Assault Rifle, not "Neuron"
- "when a force field blocked her and a pair of stairs appeared leading to a door below the gun. Celestia knew she had to get back to the battle but she felt something calling her to come in deeper." (Add in the yellow words)
- "Cons were running to take down the Ark exciting it was about to be over when the ground opened up. a few made it to the over side while others were not so lucky and fell in parts rose out and opened turning on as light blue lights, a body began to take shape becoming more Equine as it transformed. at the front shoulders to cannons changed than flipped facing the front while at the top two towers rose than stopped. on the bottom two front hooves came out than landed firmly on the ground. at the front a cannon on the right should appeared than locked in firmly while in the center, a head came out with a mane of gold, white and violet and it's eyes opened up a bright blue emanating that briefly glowed lighting more lights and a blue Autopony symbol on her chest. Tanks drove away at the sight and one was unfortunate enough to be squished under the mare's hoof. She turned to her Right wing which held Celestia on it and spoke." (Paragraph Overhaul - "Cons were running to take down the Ark, excited it was about to be over when the ground opened up. A few made it to the other side, while others were not so lucky and fell in. Parts rose out and opened, releasing light blue light, and a body began to take shape becoming more Equine as it transformed. At the front shoulders two cannons extended then flipped to face the front while at the top two towers rose. On the bottom two front hooves came out then landed firmly on the ground. Two more sets of cannons locked firmly into place between the shoulders, and in the center a head emerged with a mane of gold, white and violet. Its eyes opened, a bright blue briefly emanating as more lights and a blue Autopony symbol lit up on her chest. Tanks drove away at the sight and one was unfortunate enough to be squashed under the mare's hoof. She turned to Celestia on her right wing and spoke."
Edits-
- "Two Ponies were on a ridge that saw over the Ark as it was being fueled." (Change to "oversaw")
- "Those that weren’t were attending to them or checking on supplies." (Subject without predicate. You tell us who, but not what they are doing)
- "to her she got her end off faster tan Flash did. " (Say something like "to her is was easy, and she got her end off faster than Flash did.")
- "to her they were the size of fillies, she even remembered why Fluttershy was like this." ( "to her they were the size of fillies. She remembered what made Fluttershy like this.
- "The 3 animals that lived with Fluttershy attempted to Nightmare her but each one of them was crushed by her might." (What did they do?)
5635456 i have her plammed to be Arcee for Transformares Prine on account of i can't think if anyone else to fill her part.
Are you gonna make a war for ponytron story?
5932570 maybe. i'll have to see what happens and if so then i will.
5932651 only problems I see is how the robots that only appeared in foc will transfer over to wfc, as well as who would play omega supreme and trypticon
5932839 i already have Saddle Rager as Trypticon. the only problem would be Omega Supreme
5933072 well, you could have sombra, but since he's a bad guy that would be kinda weird. Nevertheless, he seems to be the only choice right now that I can think of.
great story! love the intro of cadence as metroplex!
Wait transformers prime is a sequel to fall of cybertron, so bumblebees couldn't have died
Mirror dash is acting like knockout
Wait, why isnt vinyl a autopony?
5217176
I'm with Colva the pain is indescribable.
will there be sequel?
9198750 as much as I wish to, I’m too caught up with my main reboot I’m working on right now, but this story will be a universe covered in it.
9198750
Also Robots in Disguise NEVER happened in this universe. Know this story is safe without that future