Cargo Cults
A gentle paw shook her awake. “Twilight, you can’t stay in bed forever.” Spike’s mild rebuke made her crack an eye open to regard the fiendish little assistant with no small amount of stubborn disbelief.
“Says who?” She retorted and tried hiding herself in her cocoon of blankets and her fort of pillows. It was a very excellently constructed pillow fort, easily capable of repelling the worst ghosts and goblins with the power of books, science, and pillows.
“Says your extremely annoyed assistant.” Spike growled, planting his talons on his hips. “And If you don’t get out of those blankets in the next ten minutes, I’m going to make you get out.” He continued, and something about his tone of voice told Twilight that for once in his life, Spike wasn’t kidding.
Then he hopped off the bed and trundled into her private bathroom. The sound of running water hitting a bucket was enough to convince her of Spike’s intentions, and by the time he trundled back out with the bucket in his claws she was extracting herself from the last of the pillow fort’s scattered walls. “That’s better,” Spike said with a toothy grin. “Now, you’re going to take a shower while I clean up this mess and you’re going to go downstairs and deal with the other mess.”
She opened her mouth to deny that she was about to do any such thing, when Spike raised the bucked and narrowed his eyes at her. “And if you try to whine at me about it, I will personally lead everypony into this room and let them do whatever they want to you.” And with that, he began busying himself with bundling up the smelly sheets and carting couch cushions to the door where a trio of flight servant ponies waited with curious eyes.
Twilight bit her lip for a moment, then sighed and turned to the shower. Spike was right, she really needed to wash up and deal with this before it got any more ridiculous than it already was. Of course, the fact that it was already ridiculous was a testament to the fact that she had once again leapt into a plan without thinking about the unseen consequences of her actions.
Of course, it hadn’t helped that she’d accidentally tapped into desires and feelings she had never known existed until a fateful morning just a week ago. The grandeur of her bathroom was ultimately ignored as she strode into the room, turning the tap to a nice reasonable heat before slumping down in front of the shower to wait for the magic to kick in.
If this had been some kind of story, she’d probably be sitting here wondering how in Equestria she had ended up in this situation. Of course, that was a very silly question to be asking since she already knew the answer: She had thought of nearly every possible contingency except for one minor detail. She had never, ever considered that the ponies closest to her might actually be falling in love or already in love with her. Or were they even in love with her to begin with?
Ugh. It was giving her a headache just thinking about it. Fortunately, a nice hot shower was an excellent cure for such a headache and as she stepped under the streaming and steaming water, the ache began to subside almost immediately. Unfortunately, as she gazed up towards the ceiling as the water poured over her body, she also realized she was no longer alone. “Hiya.” Chirped Rainbow Dash, who was perched atop the curtain rail with catlike grace.
Twilight took a deep breath and counted to ten. She grabbed her bottle of orange scented shampoo and worked a lather into her coat as thoroughly as she could while equally thoroughly ignoring Dash. Dash appeared to be okay with this, so Twilight continued washing up while doing her level best to not encourage her.
When all the soap was washed away and her mane was no longer a disaster area fit to be cordoned off and condemned, she grabbed her towel and brush and went to work on getting herself moderately presentable. During which time, Dash had hopped down to the floor and had taken up position on the stubby wooden stool Twilight often used when getting more elaborate clothes on. “You need any help?” Dash asked quietly, still keeping her gently friendly demeanour up while suspiciously lacking in her usual blunt-headedness.
That set off about eighteen different warning bells in Twilight’s head, and after about two and a half seconds of consideration shook her head silently before trying to speed up the drying process with a tiny bit of her magic. “Twilight… Okay, I want you to know that I’m sorry we all kind of…” Dash’s words were hesitant, but since Twilight was still determined to get out of this bathroom without throwing something she had lots of time to get her courage up. “Um… Piled on you like that. Look, we’ve been talking about this for a while and I guess we kinda all thought…” Dash was rubbing at her foreleg, glancing down at the floor. “Yanno… now or never?”
Twilight paused just long enough to carefully put her favorite comb down and toss the towel over the curtain rail in a move guaranteed to make her housekeepers lose their tiny minds. “Out.” She said shortly, pointing to the door. Dash complied, and Twilight followed in her wake out to the main hallway. There, the scene she had left behind four days ago seemed to still be in full swing.
Celestia stood at the head of a short square table with her hooves planted on top. Discarded teacups on saucers littered nearly every flat surface that could accommodate one, and where teacups did not reign there were plates of half eaten sandwiches and cookies that her house keepers were apparently rotating out for fresh ones as quickly as they could reasonably manage. On the table itself were sheafs of papers, scrolls, ink pots, quills and quite a bit of other detritus, including what Twilight swore was a whisky bottle.
The rest of those present in her room were her four other friends, as Dash was standing right next to her, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders who were apparently going for their tea-making cutiemarks and not doing a terribly great job of it. Surprisingly, Big Macintosh was also present and sporting a spectacular shiner on his right eye. That Applejack was apparently unblemished told her everything she needed to know about his presence here, and she resolved to try and make it up to the poor stallion later.
Celestia didn’t even turn around as she began to descend the staircase, apparently too busy with her rhetoric. “I realize that this might be rather difficult to understand, but I’ve spent too many years silently hoping she might - just might - be inclined to me to back down without some recourse!” She spoke in a stentorian voice that rattled through her living room like a trumpet call. Lesser ponies might have been cowed to obedience by such histrionics, but her friends were made of sterner stuff than that. “She is more precious to me than anypony save my sister! Does that mean nothing to you?”
Rarity snorted derisively. “You’re certainly not alone on that path, Princess.” She huffed, drawing herself up into her most aristocratic pose. “Do you think it has been easy on myself, either? Watching our dearest Twilight grow into the proud, regal and confident mare she is today and becoming ever more convinced that I would stand no chance with such a rising star?” She stomped her own hoof on the table.
Applejack growled out something wordless, and then threw her hooves in the air. “Y’all are crazy. This ain’t gettin us nowhere.” She stood up, and tossed her braid over her shoulder with a look of grim determination. Her eyes caught Twilight standing upon the staircase and nodded shortly to her. “So why don’t we ask the mare herself what she thinks, eh?”
Celestia went stiff and her wings drooped an instant later. “Ah… Twilight,” She turned, her cheeks a bright rosy red and her eyes softened. “Um… How much of that did you hear?” She asked in an almost miserable voice, tapping her hooves together nervously.
For just a moment, Twilight considered giving her a hard time about it. But… No. She couldn’t do that. Not to Celestia of all the ponies in the world, and especially not to a Celestia who’d basically just tapped in to close to a decade of student-teacher love fantasies in a single moment. So instead, she contented herself with sarcasm. “Enough to get a feeling about what was going on since I left you down here,” She paused for dramatic effect. “On monday.” She finished with a certain amount of arched eyebrow and bemused disbelief.
Every single one of the mares at the table had the good grace to look a little embarrassed at that, at least. Twilight rubbed at her forehead a little and hoped the headache wouldn’t re-manifest itself. Dash spoke up before it could, though. She was obviously trying to keep her voice calm. “Twilight, we just don’t wish for this to turn into some sort of backbiting competition…”
Pinkie Pie cut her off. “Right, like you tried to get us all to leave so you could be alone with her.” She huffed, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “I’m on to your wicked ways, Dashie! You were gonna try and teach her the creaming method!”
It took Twilight a few moments to parse that statement. Then it took her a few more to not bury her head in the crystal floor of her castle. Then, she decided to speak instead of turning around and hiding in her pillow fort again.. “Pinkie, stop that.” She wasn’t sure what she was telling Pinkie to stop, but it felt like the right thing to say. “The last thing I want is any of you fighting any of the rest of you over… me.” The way she trailed off at the end… maybe they’d get the point?
The six most important ponies in her life all looked at one another at that and for a moment all was blissfully quiet. With the quiet lingering, she set to work righting the disaster area that was her livingroom. Teacups were carefully stacked on an empty book cart, which Spike quickly set to work taking to the kitchen. For just a second, Twilight began to hope that maybe she’d officially stuck a fork in all of this.
Alas, no such fortune. “She’s right,” Fluttershy said in her usual quiet voice. “There’s got to be a better way to do this. Maybe we could… take turns?” The way she suggested it made Twilight nearly fall head over plot. What on earth did she mean, ‘take turns’? Surely she wasn’t suggesting they tie her to the bed or something! Then again, it was always the quiet ones…
Rarity hummed. “Yes, that could possibly work.” She mused, as Twilight tried to work her jaw into interrupting this mad train of thought before it could go any further. Clearly, some foul magic had robbed her of her speech…. although it was possible that it was Spike holding her jaw shut with a firm paw and a stern look instead. “Still, who gets to go first?” She continued, shooting a sharp look at Celestia. “The easiest way would be to draw lots…”
The room began to buzz with talk of various ‘fair’ methods to decide who would get the opportunity to go out on a date with her. If it hadn’t been for the fact that these were her closest friends, she probably would have blown them all up. Then, a revelation. She’d been having a lot of those lately and this one was especially excellent. “Everypony, be quiet!” She yelled in her best approximation of the Royal Canterlot Voice. It performed the job admirably, getting the attention of everypony in the room and pushing Spike down to his butt so he could not interfere.
She planted her hooves, stuck her head in the air and growled. “If you’re all so bloody insistent on taking me out on a date, then this is how it’s going to work!” Surely, surely she could bring an end to it this time.
Surely.
~~~~~~
Obviously, it had been the flirty teasing for her plan that had given them the wrong impression. All she needed to do was right the ship by making it clear how casual all those encounters were in an actual intimate environment. So, clearly she just needed to present them with irrefutable evidence of their obvious incompatibility with her in order to set things right. Right? Right.
To that end, she’d chosen Applejack first. The last thing she needed was the farmpony getting her dander up and she’d seemed to be the most perturbed by these events. Fortunately, Applejack’s idea of a ‘date’ was apparently home-made dinner and the promise of a relaxing evening. The fact that Big Macintosh and Granny Smith had hauled flank out of the farmhouse before she even arrived was only a trifle worrisome.
Applejack turned out to be a surprisingly excellent chef, albeit one with a distinct practical streak. No fancy plating, no special ingredients, nothing particularly exotic. Just down to earth fare that happened to be some of the best food she’d eaten in years. Fried apples, stuffed red peppers, a fascinating ‘hot’ salad with melted cheese atop hearts of romaine lettuce... “AJ, where on equestria did you learn to cook like this?” She had to ask, fascinated by how she did so much with so little.
Applejack coughed softly and rubbed at her foreleg, looking a trifle embarrassed. “Ah… Aunt Orange insisted I learn a thing or two about cookin’. Said it was important t’ make sure I never got taken advantage of in one o’ the big Manehatten restaurants.” She grumbled under her breath and avoided making eye contact, “Don’t tell Dash, okay?”
“A thing or two about cooking? Applejack, if this is your definition of ‘a thing or two’, then I know a thing or two about magic.” It was hard to keep the incredulity out of her voice, but this was ridiculous. Were all of her friends hiding talents from her?
She smiled just a little, and brushed the crumbs off of her lap. “I know I’m not much fer fancy doin’s, Twi. But I’m dead honest when I say yer somethin’ special t’me.” She paused, then coughed again. “I mean. Like. Extra special. Like a good blueplate special.”
Twilight stared at her for a moment, trying to decipher what in the name of tartarus Applejack was on about. Applejack for her part seemed quite proud of her similie until she got a look at Twilight’s face. Then she facehoofed. “Ah, fiddlesticks. You know what I mean.”
Twilight laughed faintly. Well at least she wasn’t the only one who had no idea what she was on about. “You’re special too, Applejack. All the girls are. I just don’t know… What am I supposed to do with something like this?” She grumbled softly. “I thought love was supposed to be something you figured out over a long time.”
Applejack grinned. “Twilight, love’s like a buckin’ boulder rollin’ down the hill at’cha an’ all you can do is either let it roll ya over or hop out of the way.” She paused. “Except, y’know, you don’t get flattened by it and have to go to the hospital, and, uh, nevermind.” She hopped off her kitchen stool and trotted around to plop down next to her, still smiling. “Twi, I know the last few years ain’t been easy on ya. But ya’ll have shown so much grit I’d plum forgotten sometimes you were a unicorn.”
That twisted AJ’s mouth into a huge grin, and Twilight couldn’t help but smile back wryly. “Gee, thanks, AJ.” It was hard to be down around Applejack. Somehow, she’d always given an impression of unshakable strength and good humor. Even in the face of tough times, she never let herself get down.
Applejack chuckled and shook her head. “I know this ain’t the way either of us’d like to do this sorta thing. It ain’t fair fer you or me. But since I might only get one shot at this, I guess I’ll jes have to be up front.” She leaned in and nosed against the edge of her wings and Twilight nearly fell off her chair in surprise. “These don’ mean nothin’ to me, sugarcube. All that matters t’ me is what’s in here.” She pushed her hoof into Twilight’s chest, smiling faintly. “I can’t promise ya the world, Twilight. But I can promise ya a warm hearth, good food, plenty t’ do, an that I love ya fer the somepony y’are, not the somepony y’could be.”
“...can you promise me apples?” ventured Twilight. Applejack was blushing at that, and honestly so was she. But… why? Maybe it was because the kiss on her cheek and the laughs that followed after it were all too warm.
~~~~~~
The Blue Note was the closest thing Ponyville had to a proper ‘high end’ restaurant. Oh, certainly, there was Pomme Frites and Shirei-kan no maguro but they were niche places. The former mostly for ponies willing to put up with Allez Cuisine’s eccentricities and the latter for Ponyville’s substantial pegasus population. Blue Note however… Well, it was pretty ritzy by the standards of Ponyville.
Ritzy enough that Twilight had to wonder where Fluttershy was getting the bits for this. And where in the name of Luna’s Plot she’d gotten that slinky green dress? Still, she looked gorgeous in it and the beautiful blue flower tucked behind her ear. “Um, you don’t mind if I order, do you?” Fluttershy hesitated a little as a uniformed waitress waited in silent patience next to the table.
Twilight took one glance at the menu and nearly swallowed her tongue. She’d known this place was pricy, but holy crackers! “Uh… Not at all!” She wouldn’t have even known where to begin with this thing. What were ‘truffles’? Or ‘morel mushrooms’? Or ‘wasabi root’ for that matter? And why was the green salad that much money?
Fluttershy smiled with real confidence at her before turning to the wait staff. “We’ll have the roasted tomato and potato salad and a glass of your Veneighzian white to start.” She paused, rubbing at her chin thoughtfully. “Is Chef Bell Pepper in this evening?” She queried, and at the waitresses nod, she smiled brightly. “Would you ask him to prepare his ratatouille? And his fried leek rings, if he wouldn’t mind.” She blushed, and the Waitress just smiled tolerantly. “And a decent rosè champagne to go with dinner.” Fluttershy finished with an air of sophistication, and the waitress swept silently away.
Twilight stared at her. She had only the vaguest idea of what had just been ordered for her, but it was the manner in which Fluttershy had confidently made the order that had floored her. “Fluttershy I am… Impressed. Where did you learn to do that?” She couldn’t keep the warmth out of her voice. She’d been desperately trying to figure out for years how to help Fluttershy come out of her shell once in a while, and all of a sudden it seemed to have finally happened.
Fluttershy herself was smiling proudly. “I’ve been practicing.” She murmured, then giggled faintly. It was hard not to feel a surge of happiness for her, and… a bit of warmth too. “You… You’re kind of more inspiring than you know, Twilight.” Her smile was broad as the waitress silently ghosted up to the table and deposited two large wine glasses before vanishing a moment later.
Twilight blushed. “Me? Inspiring? Pft.” She shook her head, giggling herself. “Fluttershy, anything you’ve accomplished is because of yourself. Not anypony else.”
But Fluttershy was shaking her head firmly. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it and stared at the ground for just a moment before she did a little jump in her chair and cleared her throat. “Twilight, I’m… Oh, carrots.” She huffed, some of the tension going out of her. “I’m terrible at this. I still don’t know what to say.”
Twilight shrugged. “Well, try just… putting it simply. I mean, that’s what works for me when I’m struggling with something in a report to Celestia.” It was odd to conflate feelings of affection with reports to her teacher, but maybe that was kind of the point.
Fluttershy just nodded once.”Um.. Okay, then. I… I love how you’re so patient with me. Even moreso than Dash is.”
Twilight reached over to touch Flutter’s forehoof. “You’ve been pretty patient with me too, you know. That’s what good friends do for one another, right?” She smiled, and Fluttershy did smile back…
And then she squeezed Twilight’s forehoof. “If I had a bit for every time somepony got impatient with m because of my shyness,” she gently grumbled, “I’d have enough money to buy my own palace in Cloudsdale.”
Twilight opened her mouth to respond to that, when Fluttershy cut in all at once. “I love that you can take charge and not be a meanie about it!” The words poured out of her like a burst dam, and she slapped her hooves over her mouth a moment later… only to pull them forcefully down and keep going. “You’re kind to everypony, and even the dangerous creatures of the forest! When you helped that poor Ursa Minor by putting it to sleep instead of hurting it, I wanted to be your special somepony but I just couldn’t say anything!” And then the hooves went back up again.
If she’d been anyone but Fluttershy, that might have caused quite a ruckus. As it stood, though, she had been so quietly adorable in her rant that no one had heard her but Twilight… whose heart was beginning to thump quite rapidly.
Uh oh.
~~~~~~
Fortunately, the rest of her dinner with Fluttershy had been low key enough. That was a good thing, because now the easy parts were over. Now, she had to deal with Pinkie Pie and Twilight had braced herself for the absolute most ridiculous night of her entire life. A bracing that proved to be entirely pointless.
Pinkie came over just before dinnertime. She’d made sweets, of course, but Pinkie had always made sweets. She laughed and giggled and told excellent jokes, but none of that was out of character for her. She proved to be a very excellent pony to cook alongside even while having no talent for traditional cooking herself. She was, however, a superb assistant. Easily the most competent somepony she’d had working alongside her in a complex capacity in a long time.
But when the dinner was done and the cupcakes were a memory, Twilight was sure she was about to be swept off into the night on some whirlwind tour of Ponyville night life. Instead… instead… “Sit with me, willya Twily?” Pinkie’s volume went down about thirty decibels to the point where she could’ve been mistaken for Fluttershy on a bad day. She was perched on the overstuffed couch in the living room, and looking decidedly less crazy than usual.
Twilight did indeed take the seat next to her, and cocked her ear towards Pinkie in a ‘listening’ pose. “Um… Can I tell you a big ol’ honkin secret?” Pinkie’s voice came up a little louder, though now she sounded kinda nervous.
Twilight nodded solemnly, pulling her in for a comforting hug. Maybe Pinkie had just been going along for the ride? “Um… I’ve… never dated somepony.” Pinkie’s words blurted out, and Twilight felt not quite shocked but definitely surprised. “Like, I know all about making little fillies and colts and stuff!” She hurried on, almost comically. “An’ I know about grownup time and what it means to love somepony but…”
Twilight decided to cut her off there. “Pinkie, it’s okay.” She had to work hard to suppress her giggles. “Honestly? I’ve never really dated anypony either. I mean, I’ve studied it a bit…” She fidgeted at that. Everypony always seemed to find that funny.
Pinkie brightened considerably. “Well, yeah! You gotta do the homework before you can take the test!” She grinned hugely. “I read Princess Cadence’s Guide to looking for love in all the right places. How about you?”
Twilight couldn’t help but facehoof. “Oh, Celestia. I remember Cadence giving me that thing when I turned sixteen. I couldn’t get through it, It all seemed so silly!” And just like that, Pinkie was giggling like her normal self right alongside her.
Pinkie shook her head. “Yeah, it was pretty cheesy. But It was the only book Dad would let me have, since he couldn’t say a Princess’ advice on love was immoral or any of that hooey.” She stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry. “But it was all I had to go on, and I really wanted to ask Big Macintosh out. And hooey, was that a bad move.” She rolled her eyes and fell backwards on the couch.
Twilight grinned. “That bad huh?” She teased, gently poking her hoof into Pinkie’s side. “Why Big Macintosh, anyway?”
Pinkie cracked a dramatically closed eye open to leer at her. “It was so bad, I think he was laughin’ at me for once in his life. And seriously, Twily.” Pinkie gave her a decidedly schoolmarmish look. “Every mare who likes stallions in town has tried to get into Big Macintosh’s barn at least once, ifyannowhatimean.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively enough to make Twilight’s cheeks go into full beet-red blush.
Pinkie giggled again and cocked her head to one side. “You know why I asked for this, Twitwi?” She had gone serious again at the drop of a pin, and Twilight was too busy trying to get herself together to talk anyway. “Because you… You’re okay with me. I mean, I know I kinda frustrate you sometimes.” Pinkie’s grin turned sheepish. “And sometimes, maybe I’m a bit too silly. But you’ve never pushed me away because of it, and… and that means a lot to me.”
She hugged Twilight a moment later, smelling faintly of cotton candy and buttercream with forelegs as soft as downy pillows. And Twilight didn’t have to be a genius to see absolutely everything starting to careen downhill at exponential speeds.
~~~~~~~~
Twilight didn’t know what she’d been expecting when she arrived at the Carousel Boutique, but she was pretty sure what she found wasn’t quite it. She’d been wined, dined, and treated with all manner of luxury and pampering by her other friends. But here, she found Rarity wrapped in a fluffy white robe and carrying a bottle of middle-of-the-range red wine with her magic. Inside, a film projector sat behind a large and comfortable looking couch. “Just a girl’s night in.” She insisted a moment later, with that same tremulous smile she’d had a week ago.
“Whatever happened to treating me like a Princess?” Twilight snarked a bit, but she did her best to make it clear that this was exactly the sort of relaxation she needed. She slipped in, dropped her purse to the floor and gladly removed the stifling dress she’d slipped on with the impression that she’d needed it.
Rarity merely chuckled ruefully. “I could not convince Aloe and Lotus to give us an entire day all to ourselves on such short notice. Next time dear.” She winked. “Besides, while I’d love to take you out on the town for an event worthy of a princess, such things take time. I think it’d be better to just… relax. Get to know one another a little better.” Rarity had already fetched a pair of wine glasses and was pouring the deep red liquid. “You know. First date stuff.”
Twilight took her glass with a smile. “First Date stuff?” Her smiled turned wry. “Rarity, you know very well I haven’t done much dating in my life.” She sipped at the tart and surprisingly sweet vintage and plopped herself gladly up on Rarity’s overstuffed sofa. The thing smelt strongly of cinnamon, but not in a bad way. “Besides, I’d like to think I know you pretty well by now.” That was, she hoped, the truth. But she could be wrong.
Rarity smiled bemusedly. “Perhaps, darling. But that doesn’t mean that even among friends one doesn’t have secrets.” She closed the door gently and threw the bolt, then went to work threading the film strip into the machine. “For example, I’ll wager quite strongly that you did not know my father is not unfamiliar with yours.”
Twilight nearly spat out her wine. “What?” She coughed, smacking her chest a little in reaction to swallowing the wine the wrong way.
Rarity’s lips curled up cutely. “I actually hadn’t known myself until recently, but apparently my father was a detective in the Canterlot Guard when your father was a member of the Royal Guard.” She laughed and sat down on the couch next to Twilight, shamelessly snuggling up against her side. Twilight scootched away a little, and Rarity pouted at her. “Come now, darling. Are we really going to play the touch-me-not game?”
Twilight considered that for a moment, pulling her hindlegs up and wrapping her forelegs around them. “I’m still trying to work out how I feel about all this. I don’t… It’s so strange, going out with all of you and wondering more and more if I’ve gotten myself into an impossible situation.” She ducked her head down and laid her chin against her knees. “I don’t want to hurt anypony’s feelings.”
There was a moment of silence before Rarity tsked softly. “Darling, if nothing else, I want you to no longer be afraid of the last bit. While it would certainly be a personal disappointment, I shan’t love you any less as a friend should you decide to reject my advances.” She fluttered her eyelashes coyly. “I am not a mare without means, Twilight. And nor should you worry about our other friends.”
“Even Fluttershy?” Twilight asked in a quiet voice, still thinking about Fluttershy’s little rambling declaration. She was still so very confused about all of this.
Rarity’s hoof gently touched her shoulder. “Twilight, I promise you. The absolute worst reaction you shall inspire in any of us is perhaps a few lonely nights beneath the sheets with naught for company but our imaginations.” Twilight turned her head to see Rarity’s sly smile and barely restrained giggles.
Twilight had run out of patience. “Sheesh, Rarity. Just how long have you girls been… thinking about me that way?” She couldn’t bring herself to say it for some reason, though she was sure Rarity got the hint.
Rarity winked. “Personally? Since you walked into my boutique, darling. Then you became a princess, and things got rather more heated.” She giggled softly and flicked the switch on the projector. “Which reminds me, tonight’s movie shall be an old favorite of mine. A rather risque little comedic romance to help you relax a bit.”
Twilight bit at her lip and scootched back over next to Rarity, laying her head on the other unicorn’s shoulder. “Promise you’ll help pick me up when this is all over?” She half whispered, trying to let the tension run out of her shoulders
Rarity’s eyes twinkled like her jewels. “You’ll never need to worry about that, my Princess alluring.”
~~~~~~~
High above Ponyville in the early morning twilight, one Princess of Equestria and one Future Wonderbolt met one another atop a cloud platform that was typically reserved for preparing fillies and colts for flight training. “You ready for today, egghead?” Dash turned to her, a cocky grin spread across her face.
“What in the world do you have in mind, Dash?” Twilight tried not to dance nervously on the cloud top, but even all these months later she still couldn’t believe she was standing on a cloud just like a real pegasus. Countless years of filly dreams of having a set of wings of her very own were enough to make her a little bit giddy every time she put them to use.
Dash chuckled softly. “See, I look at it this way. You’ve basically been living like an earth pony for a while now, and you already knew plenty about being a unicorn.” SHe cocked her head to one side, her smile growing wider. “But you don’t know jack about being a pegasus. You’ve learned a few things, but you gotta be educated.” She slipped up closer, her eyes gleaming. “So now that all your magic’s getting settled, I’m gonna show you how pegasi court one another. Really important lesson for a proper pegasus to know, yanno.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow at her. “That so? And why in Equestria would I need to know this sort of thing?” She crossed her forehooves over her chest and tried not to think too hard about how far down the ground was.
Dash turned and swished her tail once from side to side, spreading her wings out all at once. She glanced over her shoulder at Twilight with a smoky smile. “Because it ain’t like anything you’ve done before, and I know how much hate not knowing stuff. If you can catch me, I’ll explain everything!” And suddenly she was gone in a blur of rainbow speed, straight up into the dim light of pre dawn.
Twilight stared up at her, mentally chewing over the benefits and costs to actually playing along with Rainbow on this. Ultimately though, Rainbow was right. She really did hate not knowing what was going on. So she stretched out her wings and took flight.
What would happen next would be simultaneously one of the most frustrating and exhilarating moments of her life. From the moment she took to the sky, she felt a subtle twinge of magic in the air that grabbed at her instincts and strummed them like harp strings. She tightened up her flying form, her wings beat quicker and for a moment it was almost like she held the magic of the Princesses of Equestria again. She wasn’t nearly as fast as she’d been then, but she was much faster than she ought to be.
Dash soared ahead of her, and instinct spurred her to try to catch up. Unfortunately, the instant she got close, Dash did a sharp 180 degree turn and tagged her on the back of the head while laughing like a maniac. “Too slow, Princess!” Rainbow Dash egged her on, “You won’t impress anypegasus with that lame flying!”
The gauntlet thus thrown down, Twilight turned her brain onto its maximum to try and out think the skilled flier. She dodged, she wove, she banked, she twirled and spun and did loop-the-loops and still Dash stayed just a hoof length out of reach. Every time Twilight thought she was getting closer, Dash would slip away yet again giggling like a maniac.
It would not be until the sun had fully risen above the horizon that either Dash finally gave up or she finally outsmarted her. Twilight would never be able to say which had actually happened mostly because her head was swimming a little too much with instinctive action and adrenalin.
What she could remember was finally wrapping her forelegs around Dash’s midsection and send them careening into a cloudbank. The fluffy stuff slowed their movement until they came to a grinding halt atop it, both of them panting like they’d just run a marathon. Dash cracked an eye open and was grinning at her, and somewhere between breaths, Twilight managed to speak. “You tell me… what happened… right now… Or I’m going… to turn you… into a newt!”
Dash moved up, wrodlessly trying to press her lips in against Twilight - but Twilight wasn’t going to have any of that right now, shoving her hoof into Dash’s chest and pinning her to the cloud. “Ack! Sheesh, you must be really worked up…” Dash didn’t even seem winded. That was incredibly unfair. Apparently, something on her face convinced Dash to speak. “Um… Pegasi mate on the wing, Twilight. Well, their first time they do. For some reason, flying against a partner kinda… works us up.” She had a slightly nervous chuckle in her voice. “Um… you’ve been so stressed lately I thought… maybe… possibly knowing how good it felt might be a good thing for you?”
Twilight stared at her for a few long moments before punching Dash in the shoulder. Then in the other shoulder. Then she kissed Rainbow Dash square on the mouth before growling in a very low voice. “You are very lucky that I know you’re a good pony, Rainbow Dash, or else I might be very cross with you right now.” And honestly, given how she felt right now she was almost inclined to give in to Dash’s clever little subterfuge.
Dash bit at her lower lip and did not cry out from the smacks, instead turning her head away. “You’re such a loner, Twilight. Even with all of us around, you still don’t seem to get out to do much. I suppose I just wanted to show you how Pegasi have fun.”
Twilight considered that for a moment, her breathing slowly restoring to normal. Then she got a wicked grin. “Okay, Dashie. I’ll make you a deal.” She tapped Dash’s shoulder. “Tag. You’re it. If you can catch me, you can show me some pegasus fun.” She leapt backwards into the air, wondering why the heck she felt so alive. “But if you can’t get me, you’re going to be cleaning my castle for the next week!”
Dash’s eyes lit up. “You’re on!” She yelled… just in time for Twilight to teleport far into the distance. From her new position, Twilight could hear Dashie's distant voice. "Oh, COME ON!"
~~~~~~~~
Twilight quietly glared at her old, battered tea set. “I’m getting deja vu.” She proclaimed to the world, even as the Princess finished off another one of Pinkie’s cookies with obvious relish. The only real difference was that this time, they were actually alone. Spike was gone for the weekend to hang out with the crusaders. Her house staff had been banished from the place by Celestia before Twilight had even woken up. It was the first time they had ever been truly alone together. Even the Royal Guard were utterly absent.
Celestia half smiled, setting down her teacup. “I suppose this is all a little strange,” She muttered, all of her usual serenity and clean wisdom having dropped away to reveal a weary but warm mare beneath the torque and crown. “You’ll want an explanation, I’m sure.”
Twilight hummed and then shook her head. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Princess. I can understand why it would be something you didn’t want to talk about.” She fidgeted with her hooves and tried not to stare at the Princess sitting there as casually as if she’d just woken up for breakfast. “But um… if I can ask when you first started thinking…?” It was a girlish crush sort of thing, but after the insane week she’d just had, she was prepared to indulge in it a bit.
“When you brought Luna back to me.” Celestia replied without a hint of hesitation, a little shimmer of restrained tears in her eyes. “You gave me a gift unparalleled in history, Twilight. One I shall be unable to ever fully repay you for and I honestly do not think I want to. Your courage was sublime and you did everything a teacher could ever expect from her student.” She took a deep breath and bowed her head. “It was then I realized you had become much more than my student, and that your path would one day lead us to be equals. And perhaps even more appealing, you would be like me… but not related to me.”
Celestia had a wicked gleam in her eye, and Twilight couldn’t help herself. She facehoofed. “Oh, for pity’s sake, Celestia. Are you saying you were only attracted to me because I wasn’t your blood relation?” She kept her tone wry, and tossed her mane sassily. “Sheesh, and here I thought you loved me for my brains and brilliant plans.”
Celestia huffed and threw a pillow at her face with a bit of magic, which Twilight easily deflected. “Scamp.” She snapped, and then chuckled richly. “Your brains I’ll grant you, but your plans have been a touch scattershot as of late.” She tilted her head back and sighed. “Twilight, I don’t want you to feel pressured to make any sort of decision. I’ve already spoken with your friends this week, and we all want you to know that we love you no matter what.”
Twilight nodded once at that. Well, at least she wouldn’t have to worry about making rash decisions this time, anyway. Celestia stood, walked around the table and gently nipped at her ear, causing her to tumble rump over snout in surprise at the intimate gesture. “We can be patient Twilight, but not for too long.” Celestia cooed, leaning down. “I don’t intend to lose you to anypony and I shall be fighting most vigorously for your affections. And as my sister would be able to tell you, I can be very...” Her voice turned husky as she leaned in, "Vigorous."
And then she was gone in a flash of twinkling golden light.
Several hours later, Twilight stared morosely down at a stack of warm and lovely notes from the mares of her life. They suggested simple things, every day things, homey things. No date things. Not unless she wanted to talk about those, they promised. Even if Rainbow Dash was not looking forward to wearing a maid uniform for a week. There was just one, teensie, tiny, minuscule little problem. She had no idea which one she could possibly choose to even start dating, because she had terrifyingly come to realize how wonderful each and every one of them was.
In fact, the only possible plan she could come up with would be to take each and every one of them out in extended sequences of relationship actions from the simple to the not-so-simple and somehow pray to Faust that she could figure out which one was the right one before she went stir crazy. But that would probably just rile up the Equestrian press again if they saw her with just one of her friends on an intimate basis.
So she buried her head in her hooves and started laughing. It really was just too impossibly absurd. She no longer had any choice. She would have to somehow ship herself with somepony else over and over again until she found a solution.
Then the doors to her palace burst open, revealing Princess Luna in her royal regalia and bearing several unlabelled bottles of what were clearly some kind of alcohol. “Rejoice, Twilight Sparkle!” Luna spoke in her booming Royal Canterlot voice. “We have felt thy confusion, and have come with a solution to thy woes! What dost thou thinkest of a Royal Harem?”
Twilight stared at her in frank disbelief, and facehoofed. Maybe she should just load herself into a box and ship herself to the griffon kingdoms. That would probably be simpler.
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Yep. Saw that one coming a mile away. Doesn't make it any less entertaining though.
Spike is gonna be a bit pissed... or alot pissed... unless we can get him to take the cmc instead. that might work.
Oh gods. I laughed and giggled (and went 'squee!') all the way through. Oh, Twilight. You're doomed to have a harem. Better get used to it now.
Look at it this way, you have one per day, and on the seventh you can rest!
(I'll show myself out.)
Great story, I really enjoyed it. The only problem is that I saw the word 'hands'. Don't know why that annoyed me, it must be the perfectionist inside of me struggling to get out.
Honestly though... a harem actually... kind of makes sense. Or, well, a Herd as it were... I mean, they all already get along well, and taking it to "the next level" wouldn't be that far fetched...
The solution is simple. Marry a foriegn diginatry. Like a griffon or something. Then make everypony else consorts. Nobility did it all the time back in the day. It was considered perfectly normal because you didn't marry who you loved, you married for politics. Consorts were the ones you loved.
5147030
I also saw this coming. Just...not quite in the manner it was presented in.
I lost it when Luna burst through the doors.
Also, you sure this fic doesn't need a Romance tag?
Well enough written, but...
Score?
Everypony wants Twilight - 1000.
Twilight actually chooses one instead of ending with a harem / herd - 0.
Again.
And if you're gonna keep doing this, at least take off the Completed tag.
Discord: "Ohh, I'm afraid you misread that plaque, dear ponies. Those weren't the Elements of Harmony. Those were the Elements of Harem-ony!"
Hmm. This chapter clearly needs a serious round of editing though
You made a Princess Alluring joke. Beautiful.
Great unexpected second chapter!
Harems are the only solution, Twilight. Trust in Luna's solution for she is clever and correct. Also that route gets you all the girls which is always a bonus. Why have just one?
To be serious though she could always just pick one of her friends to be with and tell Celestia to wait. Once her mortal lover dies she can then hook up with Celestia afterwards so Celestia is still in the running no matter who else she chooses.
Luna's idea is really the only one that makes sense given the situation.
"Alright Rainbow Dash, catch me and it's sexy times."
"Sweet! Th--"
*teleports*
"Dear Cadance,
Please help me. Everypony's in love with me and it's terrifying.
--With (sisterly!) love,
Twilight"
"Dear Twilight,
Polygamy is legal in the Crystal Empire.
--With don't-worry-it's-also-sisterly love,
Cadance"
... Twilight, you need to stop thinking. You're terrible at it and it seems to get you in bigger messes that you tried to fix.
Though I like how you have it now, I didn't actually laugh at this story. It's well written, but not very funny to me.
Writing: 7/10
Comedy: 3/10
SoL: 8/10
Romance: 11/10
Random: 2/10
Overall: 31/50 (or if you don't know your fractions: 62/100)
Go for Luna! Luna is best pony!
Yesssss, hilarious harem chapter next.
...when did Twilight grow hands?
Pretty good chapter, can't wait to see where it goes...
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5147126
I fixed the hands.
You know... Upon careful consideration, I think Luna might be onto something. Twilight, you should listen to Luna. She seems to know what's up.
I'm eagerly looking forward to seeing where this goes from here.
And the moral of this story is:
Don't give all you're suitors a chance with the intent of picking one at the end. Even if you don't have the "I love everypony!" problem like Twilight, you've still effectively turned the whole thing into a contest. Anyway, love (as Twilight said during her AJ date) is something that builds up over time; choosing on the basis of a single date is not a good way to do it. That said, dragging it out over a period of time doesn't work either as you either give each pony a single long turn potentially making some wait for weeks or months, or you have them all trying at once which leads to scheduling problems and an inability to properly adjust to a commitment with one pony.
Of course polyamory potentially solves everything, but it could equally just cause even more problems. Personally I'd just randomly determine an order, and let each of them try to romance me in their own way and at their own pace until I let them down gently or choose to commit to them. Effectively I'd try to act like only one of them had shown an interest until that interest was resolved one way or the other. If I fall in love with one, then sadly the rest lose their turn. Otherwise, we move on to the rest. It's somewhat biased against the ponies who have to wait, but I think it's the best way to avoid conflict.
...
Now that I'm done advising a fictional character on how to resolve an over the top love problem, I should probably talk about the story. Great writing, very cute story and near perfect characterisation. Huh, apparantly story reviews only take one sentence while romantic advise takes two paragraphs.
Hereupon is my solution for Twilight...which, oddly enough, echoes Luna's somewhat.
Twilight has already expressed that each of them are very special to her, apparently in a romantic way. Who says it has to go past that?
A group relationship. Shared love with all of them. Doing date things either as pairs or in groups. No sex.
Stick to that until Twilight explodes from uncontrollable libido, and then you have Royal Harem.
Overall, full of daw moments and hilarious.
Okay... so the plan, after igniting buried affections from all your friends by overly-friendly gestures, is to step up the gestures to full out dates?
addendum: Luna might be onto something Twilight. I'm not suggesting as a plan A, but its important to have back-up plans.
5147160 Thank you for that bit of wisdom, Lady Jessica.
I don’t get it. This story has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight having to pay export tariffs on herself.
…
…
…
oh
5148123 Awww, no more baby hands...
The only solution is for Twilight to clone herself in the mirror pool. That way, she can either fall in love with herself or have a clone for each of her friends.
5149590 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8pvucvUSO1ry10fwo1_500.gif
Luna is best pony.
Then Twilight and Luna got wasted.
5139508
So she should go to AJ so she gets two mares AND cookies?
Heh, I am loving this mini-series
5147106
MAYBE NOT 4 THE 3RD 1/4 OF THAT 2ND LINE;
BECAUSE OF THIS PARAGRAPH;
#twirls
5147179 DITTO
This started as very cute, I confess the group shipping thing isn't my cup of tea but it was still fun. I'm a bit confused as to why the dates became progressively more and more suggestive and the ending is kinda of. It feels more like you couldn't figure out where to go and just ended it abruptly.
Any griping aside, this is still very cute and fun Have a thumb up.
5147841 ...... you are aware what comedy is right¿
Not everything is laugh out loud funny.
5151419
But seriously, I know what it means and choose to ignore it for what I read.
These stories have been really entertaining.
While the second chapter has a number of significant flaws (particularly, it feels like it should've been two chapters at least as long as the one existing chapter to cover all its content), I still liked it better than the semi-random lulz of the previous chapter (and previous story) simply because it tried to go deeper than the others while still being positive, funny, and related to the rest of the story.
While I don't feel it quite succeeded in all of this, and I've noticed some kinds of simple grammar errors spread generously through both stories, this has been a good enough read to upvote.
I could also be highly critical, or leave a very long editor-type comment, but I'm a bit worn down today (and not the least reason for this is that I've already done it for someone else).
Have a nice day.
Only at "raised the bucked" (bucket), but seems to be good so far. Nice to see Spike taking care of Twilight.
“Enough to get a feeling about what was going on since I left you down here,” She paused for dramatic effect. “On monday.” (Monday) ... How long has it been snice the last chapter? Hmm... who is actually in love with her?
“AJ, where on 'E'questria did you learn to cook like this?” Hmm... I bet they're all gonna be good and it leads to a Harem End. Or this is a really big prank?
Huh... that was unexpected, but I was wondering where she was...
"There are no bad ideas only bad execution." I think the reason "harem endings," are so disliked is because many authors treat is as the easy "now they're all happy," solution. When such a relationship is anything but easy.
To start, a true loving relationship between equals involves a lot of hard work and compromise. A herd asks Twilight to do six times as much work and make six times as many compromises as a normal relationship and she'll still try to be a responsible princess to boot. Unless handled perfectly that's just asking for catastrophic burnout. Then there's the fact that while the girls may consider themselves to all be equals under Twilight's love other ponies won't. Equestrian society will "rank," them differently and treat them as such, and that will happen even if Celestia doesn't join the herd. Then there's children. Applejack at the very least will want kids and at some point I expect they all will. Large families always struggle to make sure every child gets a fair amount of attention even without all the other complications caused by them having different mothers. The girls may want to treat all the children the same but giving special treatment to the child you gave birth to is pretty hard-wired in biology. Also the "ranking," problem I mentioned above will be five times harder on the kids than the adults.
All of that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the kind of struggles Twilight and her mare-friends will face if they go the herd route. That doesn't mean they can't make it work. Just that the decision needs to be treated with the weight it deserves.
Perhaps if Twilight keeps digging, she'll get in so deep that she'll come out the other side.
How is it even possible that Cadence hasn't shoved her face into this business yet? Surely this kind of shtick is exactly her domain and by various pretty pink living gods she will make it her business even if nopony else does.
You know I have a feeling the deeper I go in the comments, the deeper I get into this mess...
Lol. A nice little comedy. I can honestly say that I didn't expect that storyline.
Bravo!
Spike filling the bucket was where I started to smirk, but
was where I completely lost it.
...
...or was it?
Wordlessly. I guess; autocorrect wanted to make it wirelessly. I think the others I saw were already mentioned.
Absolutely adorable. I still laughed, mostly because of how bad the train wreck was becoming. At first I assumed that Twi's bad plans (loved Sunbutt pointing that out) were just plot devices, but now I think a case could be made that it's her subconscious throwing her under the FedEx truck, trying to get her to hook up.
I'm not a fan of harems because I imagine they would still cause resentment among them unless they were all interested in each other rather than Twi being the focus. I figure Twi would be obsessed with making sure everypony got equal time (remember how she butchered the cupcakes when Mrs. Cake gave her 13?) and it wouldn't be particularly satisfying for anypony.
So at this point I'm obviously overthinking a silly story that was only meant for some light giggles and dawws. I'm afraid to see it continue only because of my own pessimism regarding a workable solution. But going the silly route, I vote for Mirror pool. Except given how the Mirror Pinkies were reduced to only one exaggerated character trait, I shudder to imagine Mirror Twis.
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To be fair, her original plan wasn't to judge them and pick one, but to show them how horrible dating her would be or how they wouldn't click as a couple. Which she proceeded to do exactly none of.
Because I'm right and she really wants to date them, just hasn't admitted it to herself!
There I go taking this seriously again.