Sir Hat
Joined 5th Jun, 2013 ·
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>remembers blog post from earlier today
brb reading
>Mayor/Applejack
Oh Celestia you didn't.
You said “There’s always next year” twice
When did it start raining?
It’s a bit confusing as far as descriptions go. I mean, the storyline and the dialogue are all there, but I’m struggling to form a picture in my head as to what’s going on. I keep reading something and going “Oh, I guess that’s happening now.”
The pacing is ludicrous. Slow down. Explain things. Describe things. I want to be able to see this in my head, smoothly and seamlessly. The only thing you describe in enough detail to picture any of it is the sex, and that barely so. This needs serious work.
5081343
I just wanted to get this out before I went to bed. I won't have time the rest of the week, so it was today or never.
5081413
That's fair. Just thought I'd let you know what I found.
Apologies if I let the shock of unrefined work color my post a little.
5081439
It's not gonna be the best, but as I said in the blog, it's all experimentation to see if I can make the pairings work.
5081343
No, Mayor Mare said it sadly then Applejack said it comfortingly later. Quite clear.
Um, it hadn't? It was about to start... like the last line of the paragraph right before that said?
5081455 Personally, for a pairing I never would have thought of on my own, I think it's pretty believable the way you've presented it.
5081293
5082549
derpicdn.net/img/2012/10/27/134220/thumb.gif
Look at dat Mayor check out dat Apple butt. She totes wants it
.
5083345
5082549
5081455
Well, yeah, the pairing can definitely work. It's really all up to you as the writer. The storyline you have here is great, but it's buried beneath agonizing narration and world building. That's why I said it needed work.
5083797
OI...agonizing is fighting word
5083872
I was being kind. I have a very sharp tongue when the mood suits me, and I am brutally honest toward something I see potential in.
What the heck is she doing for Mac? I may have missed that mention in the story?
5085424
well, mayor mare mentions something about "finding them" in the last couple of sentences, so something to do with Applejack's parents maybe?
5085424
They don't call him "Big" Mac for nothing
5085424
It seems that she's using her position to aid a search for Applejack's parents or something.
The shipping works great, and the detail about the sex was okay. I kind of was lost a bit,was it anal oral or just regular. I figured it as anal. But over all really great
This was a story I had to read twice, which is pretty rare for me. Yes, it could use some work, but it's a nice little nugget as it is. AJ's reluctance was confusing at first, and I must admit there were some rapey vibes, but a second reading made much more sense, and their relationship actually began to seem sweet. Good job!
I don't like this ship, i going to downvote now. plz msg me back of writing advise, you need it.
You wanted to see if the pairing would work...?
Well I'd say it worked pretty damned well, this was just the right amount of adorable and romantic. Great Job!
I like this story, goes to show how overworked the Mayor is, how much the town depends on the Apple Family, and gives these two a love life!