After a disastrous town hall meeting, the Mayor of Ponyville is inspired by a muffin-obsessed pegasus named Derpy to reclaim her professional reputation. Together, they form an unlikely bond.
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Vulpix
Joined 30th Dec, 2011 ·
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I love it.
I like your characterizations, although Mayor seemed forced at times, but maybe that was the point- it seems to fit in with the beginning. She's pretending to be 'high-class' to fit in with her job, when that really isn't her.
Example:
“Muffins are a rather delectable pastry item indeed. Now, let us depart, shall we?”
It seems like you used a thesaurus here. Now of course, this could very well be natural, some of us do have a broader vocabulary, but I think the only thing I could imagine saying this is a robot. It seems more mechanical than anything.
Or am I rambling?
Cute and lighthearted.
621007 No, you're not rambling. I love getting feedback.
Regarding your example, I didn't use a thesaurus. I try to make an effort to only use words I'm already familiar with. You're right that I tried to give her a certain "high class" manner of speech, which I thought would make a humorous contrast to Derpy's personality--but maybe I did push the Mayor characterization a little too far in the beginning.
On the other hand, I have heard politicians compared to soulless robots every now and then, so... take it however you want.
Muppet Labs - Robot Politician
621512 I didn't *say* you used a thesaurus, I was just implying that the words didn't flow naturally, which often happens when authors use thesauruses. After all, they weren't that uncommon of word range.
But right now, I truly am nit-picking, so I'll say that I enjoyed this story and leave it at that.
621559 Oh, I agree about word flow and dialogue. That's something I've received criticism on in the past, and I know I still need to work on it.
And don't worry, I don't mind nitpicking--I love getting constructive comments. Thanks again for the feedback!
Truly the world would be a better place if we all just sat back and let Derpy inspire us even a little. Well done and entertaining.
i thought it was rather cute
621748 Thanks.
819728 I just went with the characterization of Derpy portrayed on the show--in particular, the original version of "The Last Roundup." Some perceived her behavior as indicative of genuine mental disability, but I didn't see it that way. I just saw Derpy as a clutzy, not-particularly-bright pony with a kind heart and the best of intentions. That's what I hoped to convey here.
848962 Thanks.