In this series of erotic one-shots, mares from across Equestria open up their diaries to a total stranger and reveal their deepest secrets - tales of love, passion, lust, and betrayal.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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7767329 Thanks! Also, FYI, a new chapter is up just now! :)
now i want one irl..the toy that is XD dam that was nice
Awesome new story! I've always loved the idea of musical vibrators, and it's kinda refreshing to see a Vinyl ship that's not Octavia. Nothing against them, of course, but refreshing nonetheless.
Couple of minor corrections:
Affect. This one's always been my #1 grammar pet peeve. The simple way to remember: AFFECT is a verb, EFFECT is a noun. For example, if you'd worded it "I've seen the EFFECT music has on a pony" it would have been correct.
Should be THEY'RE, and it's missing an open-quote.
Is there supposed to be a scene transition or jump cut of some sort here, or is there just a chunk of the story missing? Because that's a really jarring and not-very-smooth shift; one second she's sitting in the tattoo chair and the next there's a vibe in her? Might wanna double-check this bit.
That's all that stood out to me. Great job!
--CG
7786526 Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!
And thanks also for pointing out those glitches. I'm very sorry for not cleaning those up properly on my own. But they have all been adjusted now. (especially around my failed attempt at a soft scene break, where I added additional dialogue to create a smoother transition)
Thanks again!
At first I was wondering who Coffee Bean was. Then I realized it was FoxInShadow's OC who's often wearing Nine Inch Nails t-shirts. Didn't know her name til now.
Judging from the contest, I'm somewhat under the impression that FoxInShadow might favour something involving why Coffee Bean's actually a blank flank. Just get the feeling since he hasn't come up with anything himself and he's encouraging people to come up with stuff. I think it might be amusing if Coffee Bean never found out the reason why herself and it involved an amnesia driven past with the occult as a foal. Because Duncan Hills Coffee is metal
I think there could've been a bit more detail on Coffee's dress. She's seemingly into the pony goth scene and on one of her bios it mentioned she likes industrial and cyber goth fashion. I guess she could've noticed more unique things about Coffee's style, like maybe a spike collar, an inordinate amount of straps, maybe some zippers and buckles that were more for aesthetics than anything. Something to make it more stunning than a simple black dress. Then again, this is from Vinyl's pov and she seems to be way more into her curves, legs, and blushing and might've not noticed stuff like that.
I guess the goth aesthetic could've been carried onto the tattoo parlour? Like a simple poster hanging on the wall. She likes Nine Inch Tails so much maybe it would've been of Trent Rezmane. Trent Reznor is hot Or I dunno. A bit more extreme she could've painted the walls black. The smell of incense, latex, and PVC. Stuff like that. Oh, in Coffee's bio she apparently is a smoker. Might be wanting to mask that up when she gets lazy and doesn't go outdoors for that? I dunno. Just coming up with ideas.
The last line is missing beginning quotations.
Felt that it could've gotten more purpley and metaphorical with the vibrator with the music's smooth transitions like how a river flows turns into a small stream, only to connect to another part of the river in a burst of flow, or those suddentonal shifts from drops could be akin to the climaxing, lightheaded, nerve tingling freefall off a cliff. But hey, I'm talking mostly preference now, eh?
Liking how Coffee learned her art in Zebrica. It rather makes sense. Interesting backstory.
Is that line about them being artists who use different mediums to convey something a reference to the contest? Heh. Wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote a song as an entry. Or maybe sculpted something lewd lel.
Liked the nipple play, for nips are fun to get played with. Noticed that in pics Coffee's anthro form sometimes has her nips pierced. Might've been cute to include that on her pony form?
Pffttt... that her gear driven transforming chair could double up as a bondage chair. I like it.
7791626 Hello, and thanks for the feedback! My apologies for the delayed response. :)
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, and that you picked up on some of the smaller details I mixed in to add more depth to some things. And you're right, there are some details of Coffee's style and habits that aren't fully reflected in the story. That was mostly intentional on my part, as I wanted to show a slightly different facet of Coffee than what we normally see. (i.e: the decor in the tattoo parlor, or her black dress) That's not to discount her more punk/hardcore sensibilities at all; I just wanted to show off a different side of her (that I tend to think is in there somewhere, lol)
Hope that makes sense, but thanks again for the feedback. It's always appreciated. :)