We’ve got dents and we’ve got quirks, but it’s our flaws that make us work.
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Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,759 stories ·3,961 members
Canterlot has nearly fallen.
My troops now flood the streets.
Victory is all but assured.
So why does Celestia have that stupid smile on her face?
And more importantly, why does she wish to speak with me?
Edited by Cerulean Voice and preread by Noble Thought!
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I... I.... DAMMIT CHRYSALIS WHY?!
5089193 She had her poorly justified reasons.
5089202 STILL!
Very well done, the despair was choking. I would very much like to see a continuation to this - there aren't many Chrysalis-wins stories that have her feeling terrible about the fact.
Rather interesting. Guilt is always a dark beast that eats away at our souls, and can sometimes affect a person's sanity. There are really only two options, to accept it, or deny it. Accepting the guilt of one's actions might make the person come to grips with what they have done, but it will never make what they did right. Some things might be repairable, but the taking of a life can never be atoned for, it is a guilt that one must carry with them for the remainder of their lives. Denying the guilt is the same, but the individual simply looks away and does their best to ignore it.
Philosophical rambling aside, it was an interesting remix of the Canterlot Wedding episode. A pity it ended so. I DO however like the Irish Gaelic words and sayings you used, it is a subject I'd like to learn more on.
5089303 Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's nice to see that I can convey something else than batshit insane effectively.
5089315 Seriously, this was amazingly well done. It wasn't just fan-gushing when I said you should continue this, there is an apocalyptic amount of exploration you can do with the universe you've set up here.
5089314 You have no idea how much research I did on the subject, having none of my own to go off of(except for a very unfortunate squirrel I had to put down). Let's just say that my PC is now being watched by the NSA.
And I'm glad that you liked the Gaelic. I thought it would add a nice touch to the fic.
5089329 Once again, thank you. I really appreciate it.
5089193
I know, right? He didn't warn me when I started pre-reading... it hit me like a fist in the gut. It's stories like this that make me stay away from Dark. They're done too well, and they have a tendency to break me.
5089357 I don't know whether to apologize or thank you.
This is pretty good. Starts out a bit slow, but it picks up soon enough.
I like how you set up the themes of the story with Chrysalis violently attacking Luna out of fraternal piety, and Celestia being almost willing to kill her sister for the good of Equestria before you revealed the what-if of the AU. If you'd have told it in chronological order, it would have come off as stupid grimdark, instead of the intelligent horrors this fic offers.
It seems kind of incomplete, though. I'm not certain what would come next, but it might be something tragic, ending with the scorched-earth plan being activated.
Still, it's good to see you branching out from disposable comedy, and this is a damn fine darkfic.
5089367
I wouldn't be averse to both.
5089419
I apologize for not warning you and thank you for the compliment.
5089375
Thank you!
I had originally planned on writing in in chronological order, but decided on a whim to change it for reasons uncertain.
And what is this talk of setting up themes? I just wrote what made sense in that AU.
Pretty good. Though I do believe Chrysalis needs to always watch her back from now on. Celestia has thousands of years to have learned to be very patient about getting revenge, and she'll always be watching for the right moment or setting something up that could come to fruition decades later.
Not too bad. You have an interesting take on Chrysalis here. That's what drives this story, and you make it work splendidly.
I do have a couple nitpicks:
First, I think you overdid the italics in the dialogue. I'm not exactly sure if there's a rule of thumb on using them, but lines like this:
Strike me as excessive. Was there a reason to stress that word? The context of the scene didn't really suggest so. And like this:
There are a few instances like that, having multiple italics in quick sucession. It reads and even sounds a little choppy. And like I said, it's a nitpick. Just something to keep in mind moving forward.
Second, why the fuck did Celestia just stand there while Chrysalis was beating the shit out of Luna? Celestia was willing to kill Luna afterwards to hurt Chrysalis, but did nothing while her sister was being beaten to death? She even threatened to kill Chrysalis and doom Equestria over a bedroom. A bedroom. Why would she hold back when Luna was actually getting destroyed right in front of her?
5089525
Thanks!
And indeed she will.
5089532
The words are italicized because the characters stress the words in the sentence. If it seems excessive, I'll probably tone it down in future fics.
She was busy blasting changelings, collecting the elements bearers, and erecting the shield. I also like to interpret blasting through Luna as a bluff Celestia didn't expect to be called out on. And Celestia was pretty pissed off at that point when she threatened Chrysalis. I mean, Canterlot just got taken over by changelings and her sister was hospitalized. Even immortal God-like beings have breaking points.
And I'm glad you enjoyed my take on Chrysalis. Her lines really wrote themselves once I decided on the characterization.
5089605 Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.
This was great to watch come together. It's so vastly different from the original layout.
Well done, Syeeks.
5089734 I know, right? I couldn't have done it without your help and suggestions!
First that had better be Tia, and second, that is exactly my problem with this fic.
I don't hate this enough to actually downvote it, but the fact that you normally do Crack fics and comedies shows. You keep trying to have Chrysalis seem like this overpowering ruler, ready to do whatever she could to take over Canterlot. And yet she doesn't flinch when her brother calls her sis in what is still technically a tense moment in the battle. Also, the assault on Luna. Why didn't Celestia blast Chrysalis apart right then? Why didn't she end the woman who had very effectively taken over and now was attempting to murder her sister? There is a diplomat, and then there is stupid. Celestia was stupid.
As for the part with Twilight... I don't know. Part of me feels like the comedy attempt before is too forced and very possibly stupid, and after we saw how callous Chrysalis had been and could be, her sympathizing with Twilight's family almost seems bad and again, forcing us to feel something. Again, not so much that it caused me to outright hate this, but I couldn't help but feel that you were either slipping into your roots, or trying too hard. Also, they have barrel chests, not barrels.
Overall, it is decent. I like how you fleshed out Chrysalis and the changelings, I like how you did the action decently (though again, why wasn't Chrysalis simply vaporized?) And actually, I do have to give this a downvote.
If Chrysalis had gone so far as to kill Twilight to prevent her plan from failing, why isn't Celestia dead? I understand that killing one monarchy will get you hated in a new land, but Chrysalis should know she will be hated. All of the ponies in love will lose that love, and then most of them killed. Also, why weren't the element bearers at least locked up if not killed? Chrysalis should have known what the war would require and been able to do so, especially if it is in her nature to be violent and deadly. Overall, well written, but I can't buy this bipolar as fuck Chrysalis. Decide, is she a proper warrior-queen who wants to lead the armies, conquer and rule with her title which she made so damn important, or is she just doing this for her kind and hates the fact that violence had to occur? You can't have it both ways.
5089879 Thank you for your well-thought-out criticism. I will take it into consideration whenever I write.
I guess one can't truly escape their roots, after all.
Seriously want to see continuation of this, very interesting take on this. Not sure how to fell about dark aspect vs that it felt so casual I mean that Celestia is free? it was very strange considering that rest of equines are practically slaves?
5090320 Well, she needs Celestia's brain intact.
Someone has to explain how to do all the paperwork.
To be honest i don't know what i think of this fic. It's certainly interesting though.
5090606 I'll take interesting.
I guess it made you think?
While it's not my personal headcanon that the ponies would so easily submit to Changeline rule, I can see where the idea makes sense, given what was shown in canon. It was definitely a different take on Chrysalis' character, from the manner in which she claimed victory to the guilt after the fact. I am somewhat curious as to how they 'convert' ponies into a viable food source, though.
Well done, Syeekoh.
5090983 Thank you.
She played you like a damn fiddle!
Joking aside, the story is overall really good for what it does. However I do question Celestia's characterization at some points. She was damn close to being a Well-Intentioned Extremist. Chrysalis' characterization on the other hand is decent but I personally think it could've been explored more on her guilt on the second half. Still, this is really good writing and I hope to see more.
5091356 Celestia was totes bluffing. She would never actually do that. She just wasn't expecting Chrysalis to be such a clever, stubborn bitch.
And yeah, I probably could have developed that part a bit more. I just feel like I could expound upon it anymore with what I had without it becoming a long-winded soliloquy, at which point the revelation would have lost the impact.
I'm glad that you enjoyed the fic, though.
5090608 No actually... it's that i don't have a clear impression of what happened and that nothing truly imprinted to me.
5091523 Huh.
Alright.
5091527 Well i only understood that Queen Chrysalis won, Luna tried to stop her, Queen Chrysalis blackmailed Celestia into victory, and killed Twilight. I don't know however what i am supposed to feel about all of this.
5091546 Feel however you want about it. I wouldn't tell you how to feel about a fic.
Interesting take on changelings
5091635 Thanks.
Great story I wish you would develop on it more instead of making it a one shot. Heres hoping for a sequel
. Also I wish you wouldn't have killed Twi. You could say in a sequel that Chrisy thought she killed Twilight, but she just stopped her heart or something temporarily making it seem like she was dead, but she wasn't then a servant comes and helps Twi or something.
5091641 Well, I mean, I see so few take the whole "Changelings=fairies thing into account. Making them Irish-Gaelic is a nice touch.
I went for a more multicultural approach, with changelings being spread across the world, and while being Neighponese (Japanese) in origin and a few habits, they also have the culture they grew up in affecting them. Double, the wife of my main OC, Stag, for example, had parents who grew in Glascolt/Coltland (a mix of Ireland and Scotland), but she mostly grew in Neighpon. as a result, her older sister who stayed behind has the distinct accent and mannerisms of Glascolt/Coltland, while Double's more Neighponese in mannerism, though she can speak Gaelic thanks to lessons from her parents
5091671 I thought it would be a nice touch.
Though your take seems a lot more natural.
5091652 There may be a sequel planned.
And she blew it up. There's no way your idea could work.
Sorry
That was... unusually dark... but strangely seemed... right?
I'd love love love to see more!
5092014 It's whatever you want it to be.
And thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
5091553 No no i understand but... there are some emotions the author always seeks to intrigue however wide their range. What points should i focus on? I mean what was the main point of this fic?
5092138 I just sought out to write a story.
Take whatever you want from it, seriously. I'm not going to tell you what to focus on.
5092271 I... i don't know there's always something to learn from stories. Tragedies even. But what i don't get is... well this fic seems lacking. I mean i'd like to see what goes on after that. What happens when she finds out Twilight is dead. Do they do everything in their power to raise her from the dead? Or what?
5092386 and that is called a sequel hook.
5092386 and no one knows Twilight is dead except for Chrysalis
Story seems schizophrenic. There are too many comedy bits - scenes with Chrysalis' brother, her acting like a spoiled 20-year-old brat, using Luna like a sock puppet during their fight, turning up her nose at first sight of Twilight's room, her banter with Celestia, etc. - that break up what could have been a very grim and dark piece. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but the lack of a {Comedy} tag and the closing scenes with Twilight's murder give me the impression that it was meant to be Dark first and foremost. The contrast is jarring, and not in an "author meant to unsettle the readers" kind of way.
I had more written about Celestia's nonchalance and odd behavior here, but I'll chalk it up to the AU tag and leave it be.
Nicely done for an AU take on the Wedding, certainly, and as others commented, there's a ton more material this opens up for future stories.
5092551 Thank you for your compliments as well as your criticism. I am first and foremost a comedy writer, so this was an experiment outside of my comfort zone. I'm sure my natural inclination slipped in.
5092405 Well i for one would like to see how Chrysalis rules, and the Shenanigans of Twilight being found dead somewhere.
Seriously though you should really make a sequel where Chrysalis proves to be a far better ruler than Celestia would ever hope. That'd be awesome and a really tough blow on the face of those who idolize Celestia and pony rule. I mean look at history... not all Tyrants were evil. Hell the meaning of the greek word Tyrant was not so black and grim. It just meant that someone has absolute political power. Hell some Tyrants even benefited those they ruled... they build aqueducts, and shit...