One year ago. That's when everything went wrong. It was the day when the sun never rose and unhappiness took the land by storm. The Elements of Harmony didn't turn Nightmare Moon back into Luna. Instead, the bearers were turned into (mental) copies of Nightmare Moon. The bearers help the tyrant rule with an iron hoof.
Cheese Sandwich is just a regular old party pony. Well, he was. Parties are now outlawed and any pony caught having a party will immediately be put to death. Without parties, Cheese loses his purpose in life and seeks another place to find his destiny again. He accidentally stumbles upon the infamous rebel group called The Cult of the Sun. Cheese sees opportunity and becomes a nightmare hunter. Unfortunately, Cheese's first catch is one of the tyrant's most trusted advisors. Pinkamena Diane Pie.
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I'd like to thank scoots2 for getting me into CheesePie. I owe you one! This is a CheesePie story. There are no other ships.
Please please please make more chapter's this awesome but I want to know if pinkie will be like the cupcakes story
I like the story idea. It's pretty awesome.
Can't wait to read more.
Some recommendations, if I may?
1. To help your story flow better, I suggest that you use sentences of varying length. Now you use a lot of shorter sentences, which is fine, but too many in one place can be hard to follow. Perhaps have some sentences that are longer and use commas to help with pacing.
2. Make it more clear that the "Queen" is Nightmare Moon. It will be easier to follow. I like that she is technically the Queen, but referring to her by her actual name may help your readers understand.
3. An explanation of how the Mane 6 specifically ended up with their specific roles under Nightmare Moon, ie. Countess, Air Strike General, Medic, etc. Why such varying roles? How did they come to be? Were they earned?
Now these are all just suggestions, you decide what you want to do. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more of this story.
EDIT: If you ever need help with writing stuff, just PM me or comment on my page. I'd be happy to give you a boost of confidence if you ever need one. Just let me know, I'm happy to participate!
Thank you so much Tyler_d of Rose ! I'll definitely use these tips in the future. Oh, and I tried to correspond their roles with Nightmare Moon to their abilities (Example: Rainbow Dash- great flyer= air strike general, Twilight Sparkle- brains= chief advisor). Hope that helps!
5047355 Ah, yes I see now. That makes sense, thanks!
And no problem! I'm happy to help and I encourage you to keep writing. I am excited to see more.
Wow, this looks interesting! Not your typical CheesePie, that's for sure. And thank you so much, too!
Thanks scoots2 ! How could I not write a CheesePie story after reading one of your stories? I was aiming for something different for CheesePie. All of the stories I read of CheesePie had all the lovey-dovey stuff in it so I was like "hey why don't I change Pinkie and her friend's minds? That could be fun for Cheese." Thank you for the favorite and I will definitely write more!
Please write more, this was so awesome!
MOAR!
Yes--this is getting interesting!
That's gotta be Poison Joke, and I can't wait to see what it does.
If I didn't like Dash before then I can say nightmare!Dash soildified my dislike for her. Poor Fluttershy and Scootaloo.
YYYEEEEEESSSSSSS its great to see you back with a chapter for the story
don't keep me waiting for so long again
6331413
Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.
Hope you continue with this!
This is amazing!! Please please continue
This story is friggin amazing
You should consiter the next chapter
No pressue its just very exiting
This is absoutely incrediable
Keep it up
This is amazing
I thinkthe soft blue glow was it turn good.