Sex sells (and sells and sells and sells)
The early morning air was so peaceful, and Rarity enjoyed the gentle sway of the balloon as air currents swirled and eddied around the carriage. At least, she told herself, she wasn't getting airsick, and she made a very careful point of not looking down.
Rainbow's mansion approached rapidly. Good. Rarity glanced at Twilight, who was wielding the air-horn like a sword in front of her, eyes fixed stoically ahead. Her stalwart protector.
If there were anypony she trusted with her virginity, it would be Twilight.
Wait, that... that didn't quite come out right. Hrrm.
"So, what's the plan?" Rarity murmured.
"Go in, find Rainbow, blast her until she gives us that stupid little piece of paper back, then tear it up and never, ever drink that much again."
"Elegance in its simplicity. Do you really think it'll work?'
"With as much as Rainbow drank? I think just threatening her with it should be enough. Then, anti-hangover spell, we're all friends again, friendship lesson learned."
Rarity nodded, balancing a little in the balloon's swaying basket. "I suppose so." A dreadful thought struck her. "Twilight, since when has anything ever been that simple for us?"
Twilight sighed, lowering the air-horn slightly. "I know, I think it's at the point where I'll be pleasantly surprised if something hasn't already gone horribly wrong."
The basket landed with a soft whump on the cloud surface. Twilight jumped out first, walking on the cloud's surface as if it were as solid as marble. Rarity gulped and took a leap of faith out of the basket, which didn't result in her falling through the cloud cover to her death miles below. Instead, in something of an anticlimax, Rarity stood firmly on the slightly spongy ground. Honestly, it just felt like walking on an exceptionally large, slightly moist, kitchen sponge. She tapped the ground with a hoof and was delighted when the cloud didn't budge.
Alright, she might just survive this after all.
She looked up to see Twilight rolling her eyes at her. "This isn't the first time I've cast a cloudwalking spell, Rarity."
"Oh, I know, dear, it's just... well, you haven't nearly plummeted from the heights of Cloudsdale, either, have you?"
Twilight's expression softened. "Point. Now, are we going to do this or what?"
Rarity nodded and trotted closely behind Twilight.
They knocked on the big, poofy mansion doors. Rarity admitted to herself that whilst Rainbow's mansion in the sky was a little... ostentatious, it was also undeniably awesome. Quite like Rainbow Dash herself. Who didn't answer the door.
No groans drifted out of the cloud home, no sighs, no snores, no other signs of life. Rarity glanced at Twilight, who was focused on the door, studying it like it were an interesting puzzle that could be solved with pure force of thought. Rarity, however, considered other options.
The white unicorn, who got the distinct feeling she was not meant to be up in the clouds, succumbed to her instincts and morbid curiosity. She trotted to the edge of the cloud and looked down at the ground below them, which was quite down indeed. Still, something caught her eye
"Twilight?"
"Hrm? Yes, Rarity?"
"Has that sofa always been down there?"
"Sofa?" Twilight's mind jumped to the next interesting puzzle in its queue. "What would a sofa be doing beneath Dash's house?"
"Apparently, our answer is 'be slept on by Rainbow'." Rarity mused dryly. "I believe I have found why she isn't answering our knocks."
"But that just raises the question of what Rainbow is doing sleeping groundside." Twilight pointed out. "Back to the balloon?"
"And to the ground, yes, I should think so. As quickly as possible, if you don't mind."
Twilight snorted. "I don't think you'd like to get back down to the ground as quickly as possible, Rarity."
Rarity turned pale, which is quite an achievement when she was already white to begin with. "Perhaps a little slower than that, then?"
The balloon landed on the ground with a somewhat louder whump than it landed on the cloud, and Rarity was grateful for it. It didn't seem to disturb Rainbow Dash in the slightest, who was snoring quite loudly on what appeared to be her brand-new sofa. In the middle of the path.
Twilight looked at Rarity. Rarity nodded to Twilight grimly. Twilight raised the air-horn and-
"BRRRRAAAAAAP"
- Rainbow shot into the air, back arched like a cat, hooves pressed tightly to her skull.
"Gah!" She shouted. Then her eyes opened. "Gah!" She shouted again, forcing her eyes shut again. "What do you girls want?"
"Hello, Rainbow Dash. I think you know exactly what I want."
"What? I- oh! Oh! Heh, yeah, right. About that."
"Just give Rarity her virginity back, Rainbow Dash." Twilight warned archly, "Don't make me use the airhorn again."
"No!" Rainbow screeched, diving back onto the sofa and throwing a pillow over her head.
"Then give us what we want!" Twilight warned again, waving the air-horn menacingly. "I am not having my notary-public status revoked over something this stupid."
"I would, but I mean, I can't." Rainbow whimpered into the sofa, "I already sold it."
"What?" Rarity cried, though Twilight shook her head sadly and knowingly, as if she had half suspected this. She probably had. "For what? To whom?"
Rainbow's head popped up off the sofa, pillow still pressed to her face, "Ha, ha, funny story," she said in that manner that lets you know she hopes you find it funny, but knows you'll just find it disturbingly incriminating, complete with forced nervous laughter, "I was going to give it back to you for nothing. I just thought it might make a neat prank to be able to say I took Rarity's virginity, you know? But then I got home, and I was so drunk and tired..."
"Go on." Rarity said, her words pointy-edged and dangerous. Rainbow gulped.
"And Davenport was walking along, and I really didn't want to fly all the way up there... so I sort of sold it to him... for a sofa."
Twilight massaged her temples as Rarity just gawped at Rainbow Dash, who was nervously laughing again. Nopony joined her.
"Surely it was worth more than that?"
"Hey, it's a really nice sofa. Come, try it out, it's super soft."
"Thank you, but no thank you."
"Aw, c'mon, Rarity, you're not mad at me, are you?"
"Rainbow Dash, let me answer your question in the most succinct manner that comes to mind."
The air-horn was snatched out of Twilight's grip. Rarity held it a foot from Rainbow's head and blasted it for an uninterrupted five seconds.
Rarity passed the air-horn back to Twilight, panting slightly. She was only just now realizing she had been screaming in frustration the whole time she blasted Rainbow.
"Shall we track down Davenport, then, Twilight?"
Twilight stared at Rarity for a long moment, blinked and shook her head, then nodded. "Right! Yes, right. I need to buy some quills anyway."
"Excellent. Let us abscond."
"I'll meet you there. I've got to put the balloon away."
"Oh. Right."
"Sorry."
"Oh, nevermind that, you were a dear for bringing it out for me at all."
"I just feel bad for ditching you."
"Oh, perish the thought, it's my quest, as it were, not yours."
"But-"
"Girls!" Rainbow groaned into her pillow, "Leave!"
Rarity cantered off, towards Ponyville proper. Twilight turned to the balloon, packing it up. She paused, thoughtfully. "Oh, right."
There was a flash, and Rainbow's head got scrambled by a mysterious rubber whisk, before resettling in a much more comfortable position. Twilight trotted off towards her castle, balloon in tow, whilst Rainbow Dash sat up, rubbing her head groggily.
Rainbow stared up at her cloud home. "Huh... how the heck am I going to get this sofa all the way up there, anyway?"
Rarity plodded into Quills and Sofas, alone. Davenport was behind the counter to the bizarre combination store, jars of various quills behind him, a store full of sofas around him. He turned to her and smiled, though Rarity could see the moment of recognition in his eyes. As soon as he realized who she was, a little light died in his eyes and his smile turned glassy, fragile.
"Oh, hello, Rarity," he said, somewhat timidly.
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Did you really expect that I wouldn't find out, Davenport?"
Davenport's shoulders slumped a little bit. "Not for at least another hour," he admitted weakly.
"Well, I'm afraid you underestimated me."
Rarity stared icy daggers at Davenport, who desperately tried not to meet her gaze.
"Sorry," he said weakly.
Rarity's voice melted into a silky, sweet little creature. "Well, darling, I don't suppose you still have it?" she crooned, "We could just tear it up, forget about this whole little ordeal, as it were."
Davenport's eyes darted around the room, desperately looking for an out, an escape, ultimately finding none. There was nowhere to hide from Rarity's cruel gaze. "I sold it," he finally admitted. "Sofas and Quills and Rarity's Virginity wouldn't fit on a sign."
Rarity snapped, just a little. If you listened very carefully, you could almost hear it. It sounded vaguely reminiscent of someone taking a large axe to the strings of a piano.
"I see," she announced coldly, all pleasantness in her voice evaporating into the cool air, never to be seen again, "to whom?" She paused to think about that for a moment, and then curiosity set in. She knew she wouldn't like the answer, but she felt compelled anyway. "And for how much?"
Davenport told her. Rarity flinched, then proceeded to storm out of the store, slamming the door open and then slamming it harder shut behind her. She bumped into Twilight outside, hoof poised in midair as if to open the door.
"So. How'd it go?"
"He sold it to Cloudkicker." Rarity hissed, "For a roll in the hay."
"Oh."
"He'd rather go a round with that trollop, that tart, than me!"
Twilight furrowed her eyebrows, gears grinding away in her head. "Isn't... isn't that a good thing?"
"Twilight, please, I'm far too furious to be rational right now."
"Well... wait, Cloudkicker has the right to your virginity now?"
Rarity's eyes widened, and she looked at Twilight desperately. Twilight nodded, and the pair went bolting off, tearing down Ponyville streets before it was too late.
They found Cloudkicker in Ponyville Markets, talking to Blossomforth. Their conversation seemed pleasant enough, yet Rarity felt no guilt in wrecking it.
"You!" she accused, pointing a trembling hoof at Cloudkicker.
"Excuse me a moment, Blossomforth." Cloudkicker turned to Rarity, smiling wide and cheerful and genuine. "Hey, gorgeous."
"You!" Rarity accused again, making it rather evident she was at a complete loss for words.
"What did you do?" Blossomforth whispered to Cloudkicker.
Cloudkicker sighed, still smiling, and half-whispered back, "She's just mad because I bought the right to take her virginity off of Davenport."
Blossomforth gaped at her friend. "You did what?!"
Cloudkicker's smile morphed into a big, greasy grin. "Can you believe this stuff just happens to me? It's just so great, isn't it?"
Blossomforth was obviously at a loss for words. Rarity, meanwhile, felt the realization of just how much power this mare held over her sink in. It was a cold, hollow feeling, and Rarity didn't care for it one bit. Cloudkicker seemed to notice.
"Don't worry, I don't have it. You're breaking my heart here though, Rarity, would I really be that bad?" Rarity bit her tongue. She could save the bitter, witty remarks for after she had stopped being helpful. Cloudkicker chuckled. "Don't worry, decided it wasn't for me. It'd be like taking your fishing rod to the aquarium, you know? If we're gonna bang, it's gonna be because you want to, not because I had a stamped piece of paper." Cloudkicker wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and Rarity tried not to gag, "I mean, how about you and me go void a legal document?"
Blossomforth nudged Cloudkicker in the ribs, hard, and Rarity nodded at her curtly.
"Twilight, could you please continue this conversation on my behalf? I'm dreadfully afraid I'm about to lose my temper."
"Cloudkicker, where is Rarity's virginity now?"
Cloudkicker raised an eyebrow, then snickered. "I presume Rarity still has it, unless certain rumours are to be believed. Don't worry, hardly anypony does."
Rarity made a choked little squeaking noise as she stuffed her anger and desperation into a little box at the back of her mind, though it was reaching maximum capacity, and then some.
Twilight placed herself between Rarity and Cloudkicker, who was still smiling rather happily, even as Rarity imagined ever-more complex ways to utterly destroy her.
"The note promising Rarity's virginity to the recipient. Where is that?"
"Oh, ah, that. Yeah, like I said, it sort of felt kinda like cheating, so I sold it to Lyra."
"For how much?" Rarity asked with what tattered shreds of decency still remained.
Cloudkicker laughed. "You really don't want to know."
Rarity ground her teeth noisily in response. Cloudkicker's smile drooped at the edges thoughtfully.
"Okay, full disclosure? It was a candy bar. I was really hungry, and Bons always gives Lyra the best stuff."
"You... you traded my virginity for a bar of chocolate?" Rarity seethed. Twilight rethought her previous bright idea to put herself between Rarity and Cloudkicker, and backed away, preparing her magic. Cloudkicker might have been former Guard, but Twilight had personally seen Rarity snap a pile of Changelings for a lot less.
"Hey! It was a really good bar of chocolate! There were nuts, and creamy nougat, and just the right amount of caramel. It was totally worth it."
Rarity took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Blossomforth, I am about to close my eyes and count down from ten. Please extricate your friend to a safe minimum distance, or I'm afraid I shan't be held for my actions past that point."
Blossomforth took the hint and ran with it, and Cloudkicker, who was nudged and prodded with all the force Blossom could muster against her.
"Ten, nine, eight--"
"Hey, c'mon, Blossom, she's smoking hot when she's mad!"
Rarity continued, loudly, through clenched teeth. "Three, two--"
After a nice visit to the cafe, where some lovely, calming tea and scones were had by the pair, Rarity recomposed herself enough to chase down Lyra. Apparently she had sold it to Bulk Biceps for some free-weights. The thought of Bulk... cashing in the promise made Rarity feel very small and fragile indeed. How would that even work? Her earlier prayers to rid her of her hangovers were small and reasonable compared to the intensity of the prayers that he had sold it on once more were.
It turns out he had sold it for some protein powder. To Discord. Rarity tried to imagine what that could possibly be like, failed, and hurt her brain a little in the attempt. A trail of tears led from Bulk Bicep's apartment to Fluttershy's house. It was here that Discord professed to have heard of the scenario from Fluttershy and was merely relishing in the chaos of the whole situation.
He had sold it to a Diamond Dog for a spiked collar, which he claimed made him look like 'a totally punk dawg'. He had no idea where the Dog was.
"The trail's gone cold, Rarity." Twilight informed her, between sniffles. "Look on the bright side, though! It's not every day that you get to invent a new and effective form of currency. I'm sure there are banks that would pay you a fortune to know your secret."
"Too much wine, not enough common sense, and a pegasus friend who shares those two traits." Rarity grumbled, dabbing a kerchief to her eyes, thinking of how her makeup must look right now, sending her into another fit of miserable sobs.
"Well, yes, but you shouldn't tell them that if they ask. Think of what it'd do to the economy if they put a pony like Rainbow in charge."
Rarity couldn't help but laugh at that. "Thank you Twilight, that does make me feel a little better."
Twilight blinked. "Why? I was being serious."
Rarity just smiled softly in spite of herself. "Twilight, I think I'd just like to go home now."
"Oh. Uh, okay. I'll keep looking into it, Rarity. I'll let you know if I find anything."
"You're a good friend, Twilight."
Rarity trudged home, ignoring the whispers of ponies she passed in the street, opened her door, locked it behind her. She trudged up to her bathroom and wiped off the remnants of her smudged and streaked makeup, and settled into her bed as miserable now as she had been when she woke up, and resigned herself to sleep, hoping for this day to just end.
For a while it seemed like she would get her wish, but it was not to be. She was roused from her half-slumber by an insistent knock at the door. So, getting out of her comfortable bed, devoid of any enthusiasm, Rarity trudged back down to the front door.
"Oh, hello Twilight. I see you have brought Spike with you." Rarity tried to smile, but found she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Spike seemed to be standing nervously in front of Twilight, hands clutched behind his back.
Twilight could smile for the both of them, however, and then some. "Spike has a present for you."
Rarity sighed. "I appreciate the thought, Spike, but I'm afraid I'm in no mood to be cheered up. Perhaps it would be best if you tried again tomorrow."
"Oh. Uh, okay." Spike backed away from the door
Twilight nudged him back. "Go on, then, Spike. It's now or never."
"But she said-"
"Trust me Spike."
Well, that piqued Rarity's curiosity. Spike timidly held his hands out to Rarity. Nestled in his claws was a little piece of paper, the little piece of paper, resplendant with Rarity's writing and Twilight's rubber stamp. "Oh, Spike, how did you ever...." Rarity trailed off.
"I heard this was so important to you, so when I was out hunting for gems and I ran into a Diamond Dog with it... well... I had to. I had to spend my biggest, most delicious gem on it, but it was worth it if it makes you happy again."
There were tears in Rarity's eyes again, but they were completely unlike the exhausted, frustrated, miserable creatures that had attacked her face before. "Oh, Spike."
Rarity leaned over and gave Spike a long, tender kiss on his scaly, adorable, wonderful cheek. "Thank you so much. You could not possibly understand how grateful I am."
Spike blushed, Rarity could feel the heat through her lips as she kissed him again, just for good measure.
The paper was shredded into a million little pieces in Rarity's magic, and then stomped on for good measure. Rarity went back into her boutique, giggling like a school filly.
Spike stared dumbly at the closed door, grinning with big, vacant eyes. "Wow."
Twilight laughed. "C'mon, Romeo. That was a very nice thing you did for Rarity."
Spike's smile pulled taught into a thoughtful frown. "I still don't get what I did though. Twilight, what's a virginity, anyway?"
Twilight stopped laughing, very abruptly. "I'll tell you when you're older."
Spike huffed. "You know, if you won't tell me, I could just ask Rarity."
"She'd tell you the same thing."
"Pinkie Pie, then. She said I can ask her about anything!"
Twilight blanched at that. The thought of Pinkie Pie explaining the birds and the bees to her young assistant... No.
No.
"Alright, Spike, I'll tell you when we get back to the castle. Just remember, you asked for this."
It was thirty minutes later that Rarity's tea-making was interrupted by Spike's loud, soulful cry.
"IT MEANS WHAT?!"
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Oh, Spike.
5020306
Poor Spike
...That was pretty genius.
Of course this ends with Spike's misery. Perfection!
Wait, this is still incomplete? What's left, a bunch of alternate endings for if anypony had actually tried to exercise their legal right to Rarity's virginity?
that's it, I quit, I don't want to hurt myself
And then Spike died from throat cancer. The end.
Rainbow heading an economy based on virginities? Well shit. Sounds like Qordath's verse made into a country. Imagine, bartering for your first kiss, your first date, having kids, home plate. it's crazy!
Oooooh gosh. Poor Spike.
Poor kid. He'd grow three sizes that day if he'd known what he was hoarding.
HEY! Wait a god-horse minute here!
While admittedly this is all Rarity's fault for writing that paper in the first place, this is really FLUTTERSHY'S fault! She was going to save Rarity's virginity for her, and sold the horse-damned thing to Rainbow Dash!
5020413
No, I had changed it to 'complete' but forgot to save the change.
Though, that is a fantastic idea...
5020436
But then Rarity would have to cough up the bits for the blinds she couldn't make. Obviously.
Seems Spike got the short end of the stick there. Perhaps now he'll try writing a piece of paper offering his virginity, forge Twilight's approval thing, and hand it to Rarity.
Spike just got screwed. Figurativly. Not literaraly like could have been.
Who doesn't?
5020457
I agree. Please have it on my desk by monday. I should be able to get a desk by then
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that taking your friend's virginity isn't something you should do lightly while you're drunk.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Too Much Information.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia.
He preferred a roll in the hay with Cloud Kicker than Rarity's virginity? *shrugs* Anyway, it seems that Rarity's gonna get banged...
Don't worry, it's all in the wings' size...
That raises a question... If each of Discord's limbs comes from a different animal, what animal his dick comes from?
Poor Spike, he's never gonna score now...
Nicely done.
Although a typo was spotted... twice, in fact:
Should be Bulk Biceps.
5020459 Obviously.
Truth has no bearing on comedy. Enjoyed the story greatly. Fav'd.
Pfff! You don't need a contract for that, Spike! Long as you don't turn evil, you'll get it in about five or six years.
So, is this story complete now?
5020524
I'll get the hang of this whole 'writing' thing, one day, I promise!
Usually for, say, Demesne, I'll have a whole cadre of editors. This isn't the case for my one-shots because usually they're something I write more for fun than public opinion. Thus, I am suitably ashamed of them.
With the exception of Late Fees, of course.
Dammit SPike
HAH!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Very cleverly written and full of the usual Mr Numbers humour.
Noticed a couple of typos but the whole thing produced chuckles so you are forgiven!
yes, that is the correct way to finish something like this, with failure followed by successful irony.
When he turns eighteen, he's going to remember that.
Then again, so will Rarity.
So, in the end, Spike was the one who paid the most for her virginity even though he had no idea what that meant.
The Sparity is strong with this one.
*Laughs* Bravo.
Wait, didn't she say she was going to count to ten?
5020436 There's also the fact that, while Davenport might have been able to infer that one or more of the parties involved in the creation of the note were drunk from Dash's inebriated state, no one else in the daisy-chain (except Discord) had so much as an inkling that the note was anything but valid (I sometimes like to rationalize the premises of silly things)
Or, where Spike realizes he made the mistake of a lifetime.
It ends with Spike's misery. Perfect.
"Well no, but we did all plummet from a balloon that got flung about by a rogue tornado, remember?"
I laughed out loud at this. That was...that was just priceless!
OUCH.
Small and fragile, like Bulk's penis!
P IS FOR RARITY!
Uh-oh.
D'aww.
Slight error there?
This was an incredibly cute, funny, beautiful little story, masterfully crafted. The comedic timing was perfect, none of the jokes fell flat. All in all, I loved every word of this. Well done!
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
I was actually expecting Spike to save it, forcing her to wait until they were ready.
But what he did for her was sweet and caring. Even if he didn't know what he did until after.
5020457
I am interested in this as well. if only to find out how Spike goes about it.
And yet... you gave up the perfect opportunity to get with a mad Rarity.
That was probably the best way to handle Spike without going OOC or aging him up(or giving Rarity legal troubles
). I like it. More would be nice but this is still a satisfying ending.
I imagine Rarity's ego will shrink quite a bit after this now that she knows how little value most of Ponyville places on her virginity.
Oh Spike, and to think that he didn't realize he had many books at home.
...
Wait, okay, I see why he would blackmail with asking Pinkie
Great ending to an enjoyable story though!
Best pickup line ever.
Why didn't she just wait at home? The beneficiary would have to come to her eventually. Also, prostitution is completely legal in Equestria.
Look on the bright side Rarity how many ponies can say she lost her virginity to multiple ponies without being in a gangbang
5020653 Okay, pedantic donkey loses today.
I'm baleeting that comment before I get in more trouble.
5020601
O.O
Oooh...
Have a Fruit Roll-Up.
The sound of Spike's dreams being crushed is music to my ears.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Aww, how sweet.
Can you write another story similar to this?
5020443
He'd need to grow three sizes that day if he wanted to cash it in.
5020926
Given that you can trade your friend into slavery for a book, I'd say yes.