Who's the fool?

A father gives a tale to his foals to get them to go to bed before their mother returns from her evening with friends. The tale is about Fluttershy, a myserious wishing hoofband, and a wizened mystery stallion.

Chapters (2)

Prologue - Foals and the Fluttershy Fairy tale · 14th Sep 2014 · 1,049 words
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Please, Take My Wings. · 31st Mar 2016 · 1,457 words
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Comments ( 9 )

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Ron Jeremy Pony

Ron Jeremy Pony #1 · Sep 14th, 2014 · 1 · · Prologue - Foals and the Fluttershy Fairy tale ·

Hmmm... It does remind me of a very old tale, a good one, but a very old one. I'm interested, and you've earned a reader with the introduction.

Zeyon The Green

Zeyon The Green #2 · Sep 14th, 2014 · · · Prologue - Foals and the Fluttershy Fairy tale ·

4998382
Thank you. I don't know how old it is, but I liked the original so here I go taking a crack at it.

TwiwnB

TwiwnB #3 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · · Prologue - Foals and the Fluttershy Fairy tale ·

I won't go into too much details as I've become quite frightened to comment.

Still, that beginning is intriguing. It does feel like one of those old tales I was told when growing up.

Helping all living things is her most cherished goal, so a ring that aided her that goal could not be evil.

This is in my mind the most interesting aspect of the introduction. In a few words, it's made clear the ring's power will be the origin of the story's conflicts. But at the same time, I still can't foresee what the subject will be exactly and I'll happily discover it as it comes, as the concept seems deep.

I wonder about one choice however (actually multiple, but mostly this one):

If anyone could figure out what the wizard meant it was her magically inclined friend, Twilight.
Glancing at the clock, she realized that she was going to be late to see her friend Rarity for tea.

You began by making a transition to introduce Twilight (and therefore a very probable next scene with Twilight), but then you decided to make a second transition where the next scene is probably going to be with Rarity instead of Twilight.
I imagine the way you structured the story needs for Fluttershy to meet with Rarity before she meets with Twilight, but why did you decide to make that double transition the way you did?

And by the way, is that:

I am not reading ‘Goodnight Luna’ again for the thousandth time; Celestia knows how many times we read it. The author is a hack.

a reference to this story?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/171846/good-night-luna
It looks like a private joke, so it's kinda hard to follow.

Zeyon The Green

Zeyon The Green #4 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · · Prologue - Foals and the Fluttershy Fairy tale ·

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I didn't really think about the double transitions, but I suppose the transitions I used are her character's mechanism. The ring that she receives and effects her is secondary to the promised action effecting another creature. Putting others ahead of herself. That maybe looking into it too deep, but it's just what I thought.

As for "Goodnight Luna," it's a sort of personal slight to the writer of Goodnight Moon, and the amount of times I read it to my friend's kid when he was 3-ish. I did see that story and I thought I would use it for the story because I wouldn't take the father as wanting to read written stories. You can probably guess who he is, but that's all I'll say. No offense to the author of that story, I was just using the title.