Luna Sparkle

Alamandir #1 · Sep 10th, 2014 · · ·

You should really use "Quotation marks" rather than 'apostrophes'. Makes it more distinguished from the rest of the text and thus easier to follow.

Artemis Stonecroft

Artemis Stonecroft #2 · Sep 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4983142 I'll keep that in mind, thanks. I usually use apostrophes for my fan fiction simply because the majority of the books I've read have done that. :)

Alamandir

Alamandir #3 · Sep 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4983154 I... don't think I've ever seen a book that.

Edit: Opens a book to check. First book I open (a Terry Pratchet) does it. I feel kinda silly now.

Q Illespont

Q Illespont #4 · Sep 10th, 2014 · · ·

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4983220 'Apostrophes', as you put it, are also single quotes. Little more popular in English stuff, if memory serves.

Ponysax

Ponysax #5 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · ·

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More please

Artemis Stonecroft

Artemis Stonecroft #6 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · ·

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4983999 Well due to the amount of generous feedback I'm getting, I am totally cool with that

Habanc

Habanc #7 · Sep 19th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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Hiya there, Artemis!

So you like this TwilightxLuna (TwiLuna for short, or Tuna for shorter) shipping too, hmm? Well, welcome then to this unique, goofy group we all are!

Would you mind a critique? (Please note that this is done with nothing but support in mind. I mean nothing malignant or hurtful by this, and I just want you to improve, that's all!)

No, she thought to herself

It's common practice to differentiate when a character is thinking in their head. Unless this is a first-person story, it's best to let your readers know so they don't get confused. The most used method is through italics (e.g. "I wonder what's going on, she thought."), but in the end, what matters is that you separate it from the rest of your writing.

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Also, as I read your work, I noticed you like to use compound sentences and really stretch them out. While this may be helpful when describing something (such as a pony or a village), there are times when it can get out of hand. For instance:

She was about to levitate the cards and read from them before her mirror, praying that nothing would come through it again, and prepared to practice until Twilight suddenly heard words coming from outside and they were being sung by a most beautiful voice

This sentence contains enough material to be two separate ones, with some mild rewording. For instance: "She was levitating the cards and ready to read them before the mirror, praying that nothing would come through it again. However, as she was prepared to practice, Twilight was stopped by a song coming from outside, being sung by a most beautiful voice."

That seems a little more manageable and easy to read, right? Here's a tip: read your whole piece out loud. Generally, if something sounds wrong or long-winded, chances are it's also wrong on paper.

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With that, Twilight smiled and pretended to clap. Luna raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s it,’ she said.

Careful here. When you use words like "he", "she", or "it" (pronouns), they reference the last character mentioned. In this passage above, you mention Princess Luna before adding in some dialogue. While I believe you meant for Twilight to be speaking, the "she" you used in "she said" leads us to think that Luna was the one speaking.

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So, that's it for specific examples I wanted to point out. In general, I have two more grammatical things to point out. First off, as other people have mentioned, it would be nice to use quotation marks instead of apostrophes for dialogue. Yes, some people do it differently, but that's mostly done in older texts and whatnot. For the modern era, quotations are the standard and since everyone is so used to them, it's by far the easiest route to take.

Second, I would recommend placing a space between your paragraphs, at least for your writing here on FIMFiction. While it may be a rule of style for some people to not skip a line (MLA format), with the format of FIMFiction, adding a space gives your text some space to breathe and it doesn't look like the paragraphs are all squished together.

Onto some more creative critique, I feel as though the pace in this piece moves too quickly. Specifically, I thought that Luna kissed Twilight too soon, as if perhaps there could've been more awkward flirting or nervous mumbling before she reveals her secret. Give the characters some time to react, to think, to smile, to laugh, etc. Instead of having Twilight be immediately confronted by Luna by the balcony, perhaps devote a line or two to Luna giving her a grin and waving. Or put in a paragraph to show how Twilight and Luna study together. Perhaps Twilight stumbles at first, but Luna is patient and gentle and helps her through it. Or maybe Twilight notices Luna's hooves are trembling, but she can't figure out why (hint: because she's nervous and she likes her :3). It's these extra lines of nuances and expressions that really make your characters seem alive.

My personal rule of thumb is this: It's much harder to make a story too slow than it is to make it too fast. Therefore, write a little longer and more in-depth than you usually would, as it's much easier to take out words than it is to add them in to existing paragraphs.

For now, that's it, really. Six simple points, as such:
- Using italics to show a character's thoughts
- Avoid run-on sentences (read your work out loud to check!)
- Watch your pronouns and organize your dialogue to be as clear as it can be
- Quotation marks for dialogue
- An extra space between your paragraphs
- Slow down the pace of your story by adding in some extra character details/actions.

Now, you didn't think I'd be only gloom and doom, did you? There were some sweet stuff I liked about this too!

First off, this is adorable. Luna helping Twilight study with flashcards? My heart can't take it.

Second, I really enjoyed your diction (word choice) and the phrases you used to set up your sentences. For instance:

Twilight wondered if anypony else might be noticing her, but she didn’t blame them for it was quite a beautiful sight to see, not of the moon, but the alicorn princess raising it.

This was a sentence I really enjoyed. Yes, it's a bit on the long side (you could cut it in half, or personally I think it'd be easiest to put a period after "if anypony else might be noticing her", and starting the next sentence off with "She didn't blame them".), but other than that it is a well-constructed, poetically-written sentence.

Third, the song you used was beautiful. I was partially hoping you would implement it later on, but even still, a great choice to use.

So yeah, welcome to the TwiLuna shipping community! We have a group set up, which you're free to join, and we run a prompt thread to provide practice on writing obviously the best ship in MLP. This was a good start, and if you have any more questions, feel free to PM me (no, seriously, you can ask me anything. It gets lonely sometimes ;_;). Let me know the next time you publish something, and I'll gladly give it a review in a couple of days!

- Habanc :3

Artemis Stonecroft