Fallen Leaves. The daughter of the queen of Changelings, is half pony and half Changeling. She had grown up all her life, but now she wants to figure out how ponies live. Look into the life of Fallen Leaves and maybe, you'll feel sorry for the Changelings. Follow the story of Fallen Leaves, full of love, devotion, betrayal, and death.
Page generated in 0.093 seconds
Total duration
1,001 users online
290,896 hits today, 2,123,720 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Grammar seems to be the biggest issue here. As well as pacing.
On the grammar part, you need to remember to start a new paragraph whenever the main idea changes. It'll ease up on the eyes as no one likes a block of text. In the same vein, you have to start a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker. For example:
"Ready, princess?" He asked.
Fallen Leaves grinned. "Of course!" she exclaimed.
On the pacing issue, you had one chapter of her being born. In the next, Fallen Leaves left the hive and immediately encountered a third of the mane 6. The main problem in this is that there was hardly any development. All we really know about her is that she was excited for the hunt and wonders what her dad looks like. That's not enough information without Fallen Leaves feeling like a flat character.
Many ways exist in which you can save her development from going into bad-OC territory. Childhood stories about her, flashbacks, or even gossip about "the old days" between her and Zyphr.
Also, it was stated multiple times that she was half pony, but there weren't any hints as to who the father was.
Shining Armor? An OC? Add a few more hints beyond colors and it'll be a good foreshadowing.
The part where Changelings have their first hunt when they're one is a nice touch, as well as how changelings finish growing faster than ponies. You could expand on their society in a variety on ways. Maybe she can be weirded out by a few Equestrian customs or use some changeling slang.
This story has potential and you can make it better. Changeling stories are popular but some things can make or break it. Remember to practice and never give up!
Better watch where you step. Half-Changeling Half-Pony can easily slide down the slope of a well-worn archetype.
As previously mentioned, make sure to work on your grammar, maybe submit it to a few proofreading groups, or even just a few caring friends.
Other than that, good luck with your story
4949975
Thank you for your review! I'm always open on how to make a story better. First, I'm sorry about my grammar or any spelling mistakes you might find, I'm working on it and I'm glad you pointed this out. I assure no hints on her father are purely intentional in this chapter, but there will be hints in the future. Encountering the Mane 6 was also intentional for her curiosity to spark for the Equestrian world. I will be getting more into her back story and other things as the story progresses. As for her and Zypher talking, I'll keep in mind your tips about Changeling lingo and such, thanks again and I hope you continued to follow Fallen Leaves story.