The Changepony

by TheShaddowedSnow

Chapter 1: One Year's Time

Fallen Leaves yawned and reluctantly woke up. She really wasn't a morning person, but something clicked in her head and she burst from her room. Today was the day she would have her first hunt. Traditionally, Changelings, on their first birthday, would go on their first hunt, it was the day they no longer depended on the Nursers to give them the love they need to grow and flourish. Fallen Leaves was given love by her own mother, Queen Chrysalis, so that she could one day grow up to be Queen, as is the belief of all Changelings. Fallen Leaves herself was only half Changeling, but that didn't change the fact that she was her mother's daughter and heir. As such, she had a guard, and best friend, Zyphr, who would also be partaking in his first hunt today. "Ready Princess?" he asked and Fallen Leaves grinned "Of course!" she exclaimed. Princess was her official title, though she hated being called it. Zyphr was the only one who could, and only because they were so close. Fallen Leaves smiled as she remembered how they met.

It was after one of her many lessons with the elders, and she was walking back to hr mother's chambers when they, quite literally, bumped into each other. "Sorry...." Fallen Leaves mumbled "No problem! Just watch where...Princess?" the Changeling's eyes widened and Fallen Leaves winced "I go by my name, Fallen Leaves, ma always said it's because my coloring looks like Autumn leaves, whatever leaves are, or Autumn" she shrugged "I-I'm Zyphr! good ta meet you!" he stopped mid bow and blushed a bit. Fallen Leaves giggled "Come on" she motioned him to follow her. They had been friends ever sense.

As they walked down the winding halls of the canyon, many guards and officials nodded to them respectfully, as they had grown to expect. Zyphr, like most all Changelings at a year old, was already full grown. Changelings were about the size of a small filly, with elders and the royals being taller. Fallen Leaves, however, was already a bit bigger than most Changelings, and was still growing. this didn't concern anyone both for her origins of being half Pony, and for being a royal. Still, Fallen Leaves wondered why her family and the Elders grew so much, and her subjects so little. It was a question she would never ask Zyphr, no matter how close they were. She felt that she would hurt him in someway. She shook her head to clear away such thoughts as they walked the rest of the way talking and joking.

"My dear citizens!" Queen Chrysalis called from her throne "Today, all Changelings of one year shall become full fledged adults! They shall go out into Equestria and take their first Pony form! They will feed from their own hunted prey for the first time!" She could draw no attention to any one Changeling, she had to keep emotionless and objective about even her own daughter from now on, such is the Changeling way, such is the only way to survive. Many cheered, but their queen quickly silenced them "Go, now, my children, make the Hive proud!" as she said this, she watched them all take off, including her daughter, who was leading them all. So much promise she thought to herself so much promise for our future.

Fallen Leaves landed and concentrated, quickly changing her shape to a young filly who looked a lot like her, but with no horn, feathered wings the same color as her pale tan pelt, and her eyes were no longer silted and green, but a bright sapphire with a rounded pupil. Zyphr took on the shape of a small black unicorn foul with maroon eyes. Rounded pupils look so weird...did my dad have round pupils? Fallen Leaves thought to herself and walked around the small town she and Zyphr were stationed in, Ponyville. Ponyville seemed so...colorful, and Fallen Leaves was mesmerized. There was so much that was different here! "Hello darlings! Who are you?" A very high-class voice could be heard from behind them and Fallen Leaves turned, surprised at the sound of the mare's voice "I-I-I" she suddenly felt dizzy. She didn't know what to do or say, and it dawned on her that she might not get to eat any time soon."Oh poor thing! I'm Rarity, I'll take care of you! No need to fret" the white mare, Rarity as she put it, used her magic to pick up the two fillies and brought them to a crystal-like palace. Zyphr looked worriedly at his friend, hoping she was ok as they went.

Fallen Leaves woke up the next day confused. Shouldn't she be back by now? She looked around and hesitantly got out of the comfy bed with some difficulty. The crystal room was fairly big, and Fallen Leaves tensed as the door opened. "Hi there!" a voice called, another filly with a tan pelt and pink mane "I"m Apple Bloom!" she grinned, her pink mane looked like Fallen Leave's mane in her current filly form. However...something seemed familiar about her, and Fallen Leaves didn't know what it was. "I'm....Sunset" Fallen Leaves said shyly, not sure how to react from with the energy emitting from this Pony. "Nice ta meet ya!" Apple Bloom smiled and led her out of the room. Zyphr was there "You're ok!" he said happily and hugged her "Yeah" she smiled "Your friend Midnight Dusk was worried" Apple Bloom said and Fallen Leaves smiled "Can I have a minute alone with him?" she asked and Apple Bloom nodded and headed off one of the halls ways "My name is Sunset in this form ok?" she stated and he nodded 'We should stay here a while, feed and fill up, then head back" he said and she nodded in agreement "Sounds good, Midnight" she winked and they ran off towards were the filly went.

Comments

[sparkly-pony-butts]

Oh, a changeling story! I like those.

Grammar seems to be the biggest issue here. As well as pacing.

On the grammar part, you need to remember to start a new paragraph whenever the main idea changes. It'll ease up on the eyes as no one likes a block of text. In the same vein, you have to start a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker. For example:

"Ready, princess?" He asked.

Fallen Leaves grinned. "Of course!" she exclaimed.

Honestly, if you fix up the grammar, it'll improve the story a lot. No matter the content, people won't take it seriously unless you can prove you're capable of writing in a language people can understand.

On the pacing issue, you had one chapter of her being born. In the next, Fallen Leaves left the hive and immediately encountered a third of the mane 6. The main problem in this is that there was hardly any development. All we really know about her is that she was excited for the hunt and wonders what her dad looks like. That's not enough information without Fallen Leaves feeling like a flat character.

Many ways exist in which you can save her development from going into bad-OC territory. Childhood stories about her, flashbacks, or even gossip about "the old days" between her and Zyphr.

Also, it was stated multiple times that she was half pony, but there weren't any hints as to who the father was. Shining Armor? An OC? Add a few more hints beyond colors and it'll be a good foreshadowing.

The part where Changelings have their first hunt when they're one is a nice touch, as well as how changelings finish growing faster than ponies. You could expand on their society in a variety on ways. Maybe she can be weirded out by a few Equestrian customs or use some changeling slang.

This story has potential and you can make it better. Changeling stories are popular but some things can make or break it. Remember to practice and never give up!

[benxlabs]

Better watch where you step. Half-Changeling Half-Pony can easily slide down the slope of a well-worn archetype.

As previously mentioned, make sure to work on your grammar, maybe submit it to a few proofreading groups, or even just a few caring friends.

Other than that, good luck with your story

[TheShaddowedSnow]

4949975
Thank you for your review! I'm always open on how to make a story better. First, I'm sorry about my grammar or any spelling mistakes you might find, I'm working on it and I'm glad you pointed this out. I assure no hints on her father are purely intentional in this chapter, but there will be hints in the future. Encountering the Mane 6 was also intentional for her curiosity to spark for the Equestrian world. I will be getting more into her back story and other things as the story progresses. As for her and Zypher talking, I'll keep in mind your tips about Changeling lingo and such, thanks again and I hope you continued to follow Fallen Leaves story.