The Dawn of Zane

by LoganvllachANDGodmod3

**BONUS** Lucy and Madara

A baige pony walks down the stairs in her home and into the

living room to play Call of Cutie, she is the top of the

leaderboard in all of equestria, despite that not being her

cutie mark, you'd think that ponies with the natural talent of

this would do better, but they don't, she has a sister named

Innati, and a father named Madara, a husband named Copper, and

two children, Lily and Sarutobi, she is a promenent fourth wall

breaker, and shows up a few times in the story, can you find

them? If so comment which chapters they are on, excluding this

one of course.

Lucy plays call of cutie and notices the doorbell ring, Copper

is home.

"Hey honey!" says Lucy as she opens the door, the two hug and

Lily and Sarutobi run up to see their father, when all of the

sudden he sinks through the ground and comes out the roof, then

follows it up with "Meth man.." "I'm not a man" replies an

annoyed Lucy "Pony meth is sooo great.." says Sarutobi as he

starts trippin' balls soon after. Madara walks out to see this

all happening "AAand thats my queue to leave.." he says, as he

turns around and goes back into his room.

"Pitiful." says a sarcastic Lily, "Indeed" agrees Lucy.

"That's my line!" shouts Madara from his room, "Sorry! hehe"

answers Lucy.

**Copper comes up the screen licking it rubbing his face

against it**

The end...

Comments

[Pirate Jesus]

Oh, my. It would seem I'm one of the first to comment. How unprecedented.

Well, I promise to always try to be as honest as possible, so let me warn you, mate, this is probably going to hurt your feelings quite a bit.

So, the first thing I noticed is your entire description is just a short blurb description of three main characters, and the second was the utterly boring title you have. These are both problems. You see, the vast difference between a good story and a bad story is about presentation, meaning how you display X character doing X action at X place. Having a well thought out plot, characters, and setting is all crucial to having a truly phenomenal story, but honestly, presentation is a way to make even less than original or not so well put together ideas look polished (the anime Sword Art Online is a good example of using style to cover up holes on substance).

Let's start with the title. Titles need to grab attention, something that rolls off the tongue easy but will also catch a reader's eye and excite and intrigue them. As for the description, that's an even easier fix. The description is solely extant for two reasons: (A) give the audience a small glimpse of what they are about to read and (B) hype up the story. You need to give a bit of a taste of your story to the audience; not so much that they know the majority of the plot or the ending, but enough to let them know what the conflict, main character, and setting of the story is. As for the excitement, just write it like you're trying to sell the story in a book pitch.

Also, work on your length. I noticed this on your other story too. Chapters, especially in a multiple chapter story, should never fall below 1,000 words and should most of the time range from at least 2,500-5,000 words, especially in longer stories.

Last thing is that one character has me a bit anxious: Jacob. You mentioned an evil alter ego in your story, and I am guessing you mean alter ego in the way that he has Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, or Schizophrenia to a severe degree. I'm not going to tell you to never write a character with a mental illness, as that can be a good source of drama if pulled off well, but be very careful. This sort of character depends on you knowing the reality through research of the given illness and respecting it. I just hope you know enough on the subject to write him accurately given failing to do so is not only bad writing, but highly offensive to people who suffer from said illnesses.

Well, I hope this helps. Oh, and by the way, welcome to fimfiction.

[Note Pad]

......... Fuck it, I'm asking. What kind of name is "Jacob" for a pegasus?

[LoganvllachANDGodmod3]

4951719 Don't judge me, since you are the one who asked the question, it's named after my friend, we couldn't come up with a fitting name for his personality.