A plan of ill intent has targeted Equrestria. Normal magical and physical attacks are useless against this threat. Only fillies can control this power, but changelings could eat the source.
Concentrated Love energy.
These magical fillies are picked to fight it off... Or slack off and let their loved ones be harmed.
What will Scootaloo do when they pick her as a Magical Filly.
A Magical filly,
A duty,
A danger,
Will she really do all this fru fru stuff??
Ha
---
Edited by:CogWing, ShadowblazeCR
Pre-read by: Desavlos
Entered in a contest~ Aug 29,2014
Chapters (1)
Conduct?
Intent not intntent.
Can not could.
Fillies.
Loved not loves
Question mark not period.
Seriously, is your editor on a vacation?
4927505
Yep, as in Magical behavior ~
4927585
I thank you for you keen powers of observation.
I'll change these abandoned words with a few clicks.
*sigh* Where do I begin? This looks like an interesting concept, but the execution is horribly sloppy. For one, an editor. Get one. I would offer this position, but I'm starting high school in a few days and can't spare the time. Second, the "style". I say that in quotes because there are very basic rules of writing fiction that seem to be ignored here. 1. Keep the same 'tense'. Past tense and present tense. I've found several spots where they switch, and that can be very distracting. 2. Tone. While reading, I found attempts at establishing a tone, but they were destroyed by the editing. 3. You cut off words or phrases too often, like thi--. This kind of thing should only be used in dialogue. Never cut off your description of an event when a character isn't speaking. 4. Expression. When I found Scootaloo displaying 'surprise', it wasn't surprise at all. The delivery was flat and emotionless. I found myself reading "Ahhh," rather than "Ahhh!" Just by changing a period to an exclamation point, you can convey believe able surprise to your audience. And 5. Not enough explanation. I realize that this is the first chapter of the story, so I get that not everything will be explained immediately. However, that is no excuse to explain nothing at all. Who is this wolf character? What is he/she doing there? Why did he/she suddenly give Scootaloo some magic wand? Why the vagueness surrounding the adventure that Twilight and her friends went on? If it's something world threatening, then why isn't everypony aware of it? Why has Twilight suddenly have all of these people asking her for advice when clearly no one did during season four? And what about Scootaloo's curiosity? Don't you think that she'd show some deeper interest in the coin, or in the wolf for that matter? How about the mane 6's sudden disappearance? The CMC should be far more worried about their sisters' safety. There's another thing that I should bring up while I'm on the topic of the characters' curiosity. Their identity. Tell me, what about these characters can I find interesting when I don't know anything about them? One way to develop a character is to give them an identity. This can be achieved by showing their thought processes. What is running through Scootaloo's mind while she's talking with her friends? What about when she wakes up to find Pavara? Is she simply shocked, or does she start questioning the logic of how this magic wolf showed up in her room and how he/she was apparently sleeping with Scootaloo for the night? And why is Pavara being so cryptic about Scootaloo's 'destiny' or purpose? These kinds of things are all very important in establishing a character and their behaviors as the story progresses.
Look. I don't want you to think that I'm shitting on your work. Far from it. I'm just trying to raise these questions to help you understand why you've gotten this negative reaction so far. I'm going to be following this story because I'm curious as to where you'll take this. But before you move on and continue writing this story, you have to clean up this chapter. First impressions are important in writing, and if your readers don't think that you're taking your story seriously, then why should they? So, here are your goals:
1. Go back through and edit this chapter. Clean up the grammar and style, and add a bit of... pazaz to it. Explain your characters' thoughts more so that we can get a feel for how they're going to act throughout the story. This gives your readers a reason to keep reading.
2. Edit your description. Correct your punctuation and grammar, and make sure that the description matches the events in this chapter so that readers know a little bit about what they're walking into. This will give a look of professionalism that you should always strive for when writing a story.
And one more thing. Make sure it's clear who is talking. When the CMC are in there club house, it became a little bit difficult to tell who's speaking. An accent alone won't cut it. Hope this helped.
4927663
Ah good day friend~
Thanks for the words of wisdom Mudkipman98.
I'll be sprucing up the chapter with these in mind. Making a few bullet points out of them.
Time to like and fav a Comment~
4927627
Your welcome, if you'd like anymore help if be happy to do so.
4927595 Okay. I'm not entirely sure what that entails, so I guess I'll read this later.
4927778
Any help would be great.
I'll send ya a pm.
4928672
Alright.
Even if They fought sometimes.
*Smirks* Another typo fixed.
4935119
Why thank you Danger,
I hope you enjoyed it.
soloquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Motivational-Quotes-Stay-Amazing.jpg