Chapter 1: new contender (revised)
Special thinks to ICantThinkOfAName and Roc Sighfor editing this chapter!
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“Cage, I need you to get more cave slugs,” said the store owner to a white pegasus stallion with three small birds as a cutie mark, who was bringing bags of food into the small pet store.
“Come on Mr. Flank, you can’t tell me Rick wants more of them.” replied Cage, as he lifted the last bag of food onto a shelf. “That’s, what, the sixth one this month?
“Yeah, how can that guy want more of those nasty, gooey bugs?” said Nickel, a silver pegasus mare, with a short rusty red mane.
Mr. Flank - a grey earth pony with a short green mane and tail - shot both of them a cross look.
“First off, you don’t call him Rick. You call him Mr. Rose. And second, it’s not our business how many he wants, it’s our business to get it for him.”
“Come on, the only one that comes in here more than him is Goldie Delicious,” said Nickel as she rested her head on the counter, next to the cash register. “And all she ever wants is more cats.”
Mr. Flank just rolled his eyes at her before turning back to Cage.
“Just go get like, three more before we close, would ya?”
“Ok, but you know that it’s fang frog season, and I ain’t in the mood to deal with those fangs of theirs,” replied Cage, as he trotted over to Nickel, who was still sitting at the register.
“Fine then, take Nickel to help you out,” stated Mr. Flank flatly.
“What!?” Nickel exclaimed as she shot to attention. “I am an accountant not some… creature catcher! I don’t even like going to that cave, it’s creepy.”
“Hey, being a trapper is hard work. And you’re a cashier, not an accountant,” Cage shot back.
“You find cats,” Nickel said with a deadpan look.
“And other small game, it’s a real thing!” Cage said as he waved his hooves as if what he'd said should be obvious.
“Guys!” said Mr. Flank, trying to get some control back. “I don’t care, just go get some slugs. Nickel, if you want to have any job then you’re going. Cage, remember to bring some anti-venom with you for the fang frogs.”
Cage gave a little nod with his head.
“You got it boss.”
“Fine,” Nickel said as she folded both hooves in front of her, pouting.
~~~~><~~~~
The two pegasi were by the back of the store with a small sky wagon filled with a couple boxes with small holes in the side as well as a crate containing several syringes of anti-venom. Cage was hooked up to the front of the wagon as Nickel brought over a blue tarp.
“Why do we need the tarp again?” Nickel asked as she threw it in with the rest of the things.
“The slugs don’t like the light, so we can use the tarp to make them more comfortable for the trip,” Cage replied.
With that, the two started to walk to the main path in front of the little store they both worked at. The old wood sign hanging over the door reads “Lucas Flank’s Small Pet Emporium.” There wasn't much else in this little road stop town; a scrapbooking store, a couple restaurants, and homes here and there. The only residents were the ponies that particularly like being out of the way or liked having hordes of pets.
With everything packed the two spread their wings and took to the air, leaving the little settlement behind as they made their way to the cave outside of town.
The city (if you could call it such,) of River Stomp didn’t have any laws about how many pets anypony could have, so it was ideal for collectors and crazy cat ladies alike. The only thing that kept it all in check was Lucas Flank himself, as he refused to deal in any larger animals at his pet store.
“So why am I coming along again? It doesn’t sound too hard to pick up a bug,” Nickel said.
Cage just kept flying as he answered.
“You’re just going to hold the wagon in the air while I get the slugs off the ceiling, it shouldn’t take long.”
“Oh,” Nickel said, her ears splayed back on her head.
“You wanted to do more?” Cage asked, as he looked sideways at her with a small smile on his face.
Nickel just looked at the floor beneath them.
“It’s not that, it’s just… I hate going to this cave, I swear it's the scariest in all of Equestria or something.”
“If you dislike it so much, why do you live so close to it?” Cage asked.
Scoffing, Nickel rolled her eyes and said, “Because I’m not going back to my parents, that’s for sure.”
“They’re that bad, huh?” Cage asked.
“What?! No, it’s not like that!” Nickel started to explain. “It’s just- when I was in school I would always talk about how when I finished I would be able to take care of myself. And now that I’m out I just needed some work, you know?”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” replied Cage.
“What about you? Why are you here of all places?” asked Nickel.
Cage glanced at her, before looking back to the path they were taking. “It’s hard starting out as a trapper, schools not enough, you have to prove that you are any good before you can get any real work. So starting off for a small game pet shop isn’t too bad.”
“Oh,“ Nickel said.
And with that, the two were content to fly in silence the rest of the way. It wasn’t long before they reached the entrance to the cave, both landing with a soft thud.
Cage started to unstrap himself from the sky wagon.
“So here’s the plan, you carry the wagon behind me, and don’t let it get too close to the ground. I’ll collect the slugs.”
“Why can’t I let the wagon touch the ground?” asked Nickel.
“It’s just so we don’t have to deal with any fang frogs,” Cage explained. “And try to make as little noise as possible.”
Nickel started hooking herself up to the wagon.
“I’m sorry if I’m too noisy for the master trapper,” she sarcastically shot back at him, dramatically clasping the last buckle into place.
“It’s not like that, Nickel,” Cage said with a hint of irritation. “There are a lot of weird things in there, and I would prefer to not have to deal with anything that we don’t have to, ok?”
Blushing, Nickel rubbed the back of her head with a hoof.
“Oh, yeah,” her ears splayed back as she said this.
“Ok then, let’s go,” Cage said.
The pair flapped their wings and started making their way into the cave. Nothing seemed to out of place, it was just a normal cave. Rather, it was lacking of any life, which Nickel thought was strange.
“Where is everything?” she whispered.
“Deeper in, now be quiet,” Cage didn’t look back, but kept scanning ahead.
“‘Be quiet Nickel.’ Me me me me me me,” she whispered in a high pitched voice to herself, as she made faces at Cage’s back.
After flying for only a little bit longer Cage waved his hoof to get Nickel’s attention, and pointed to a glowing group of cave slugs attached to the ceiling of the cave. He then motioned for her to come with him, as they made their way closer to the glowing mass.
Nickel stared with large, shimmering eyes at the glowing nests that the slugs made. As Cage grabbed one of the boxes from the back of the wagon. He took off the lid, and held it upside down. With his free hoof he started to guide one of the slugs onto the inside of the lid, carefully replaced the lid once it was in and turned it back to its upright position. After placing the now occupied box back in the wagon he grabbed another box and restarted the process.
Nickel hovered there watching, when her ear twitched to the sound of something moving in the shadows.
“Did you hear that?” she whispered frantically to Cage, remembering what he said about there being creatures that he didn’t want to deal with.
Cage paused, as he placed the last box back into the wagon.
“A human,” he said quietly.
“What? You can tell that from the sound?” Nickel whispered back in confusion.
“It’s a very distinctive sound,” Cage replied in a serious tone as he looked in the direction of the noise.
~~~~>>The Human<<~~~~
I must have been walking around in this cave for hours. My leg was almost completely numb, and I couldn’t seem to focus on anything. All I could do is stumble around in the faint light. My head was swimming and I feel like I am going to throw up. I’m sure I would have if I had anything in my stomach.
As I walked along the cave floor I hit something with my numb leg, sending me to the floor yet again.
That’s when it hit me.
“I’m going to die here,” I thought to myself.
I pushed myself forward still straining to breathe.
As I look into the dim air above me, I see two flying angels hovering over me. One of them had a chariot behind it, no doubt to carry me to the afterlife.
“This is it; the angels are here to take me away from this life.”
I see them talking to each other and try to make out what they’re saying, but my head still hurts, so it’s hard to understand them.
“Sweet Celestia!” the one with the chariot screams, as she looked down on me.
The other one starts to say something, but I can’t understand him. Instead my attention is drawn to something flying at the angel, its leathery wings spread wide as it sweeps down, it lets out a scream that echoes in my mind. I look up at its face to see three bloody eyes, and a mouth lined with teeth that makes up over half its body.
“No!” I scream in my head as I reached up to the angel, but it was no use. The demon was about to reach her. Out of instinct I searched the ground around me for a rock and when I find my weapon of salvation, I threw it at the demon, praying that by some miracle I could hit it.
God must have been protecting his angels, because my rock slams into the face of the demon, sending it plummeting to the ground. But it was in vain as more demons started to flood out from hell itself to take me. The demons started to go after the angels, the angel highest above me started to fight them off, but the one with the chariot couldn’t move while it was still strapped to the heavy vehicle.
My life was over, that was a fact, but where my soul ended up was still up for grabs. I don’t know how, but I did know that if the angels win then I can rest in the heavens, but if the demons prevail...
I heard the angel scream as one of the demons struck it on the wing, sending it unceremoniously to the ground. I know that there was only one thing that I could do. I must save the angels!
As quickly as my body would move I got up and ran to the fallen angel. When I got to it I stood over it protectively, trying not to fall over as I swayed on my feet. I knew that if I tried any amount of footwork that I’ll be on the floor again, so I brought both my hands up on guard and let the demons come.
The first demon flies straight at me with the fury of hell. I try and make out my target, but everything was so blurry in my vision at this point that all I can do is try and wait for it to be in reach. Then when I think it’s about to get me I threw everything I have into a strong left jab, hitting it in the wing.
I felt the breaking of bone under my fist as the demon screamed out in unholy pain.
“I can do this!” I thought to myself as adrenaline starts to pump some of the fog out of my mind.
Then two more start to come at my face. I ducked the first one, letting him fly over my shoulder as my right straight punch plowed into the second monster, sending it to the floor in front of me.
More of the beasts started to fly around me, and I threw punch after punch trying to keep them off of the fallen angel.
~~~~>>Cage<<~~~~
I slam my hoof on the back wing of the last Baital Bat that attacked me, now I have to help Nickel! I turn to where I last saw her and, I can’t believe what I’m seeing!
The human was standing over Nickel fighting off the bats! Bobbing and weaving to avoid getting hit, it lashed out at them with its fists. Most of his swings were wild, but every time one made contact it hit with such force that it even killed some of the attacking bats.
Nickel was just lying there, stunned at the sight in front of her. We both watched, as the human hit the last bat with one of its unbelievable punches. The human turned and looked down at Nickel with its vacant eyes. I held my breath. I knew that humans could be violent, but what was it going to do to Nickel?
Then it collapsed, unconscious. I stared at the human, but my mind couldn’t piece together what just happened. Then I heard Nickel’s voice break the silence when she yelled up at me.
“Cage, get down here, something’s wrong with him!”
That snaps me out of my stupor. I fly down to where Nickel is laying and try to help her.
“What’s wrong with him?” she asked with tears building up in her eyes , as she pointed to the human past out on the ground.
I looked at the human and saw that his face was flushed and he was sweating profusely. It didn’t take me long to notice his ankle is swollen and green and to realize what that meant.
“He’s been poisoned,” I told her.
“What!?” she shouted, but I ignored her and rush to the crate in the back of the sky wagon. I ripped off the cover of the crate that held all the anti-venom that I took with us, and grab one of the syringes.
“What are you doing?” asked Nickel as I made my way over to the unconscious human.
“I’m saving his life!” I said, before I use my mouth to take off the cap of the syringe. When the needle is ready I jam it into his thigh. “All that jumping around he did spread the poison throughout his body. Hopefully it’s not too late!”
We both sit there waiting to see if the anti-venom has any effect, when his breathing started to calm down a bit.
“Ok good, he’s starting to stabilize,” I told her, beginning to calm down a bit. “Help me get him into the wagon, we need to get him to the store for treatment.”
To know and to act are one and the same. -samurai maxim
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Props to another writer trying to bring martial arts to the ponies :)
A bit of proof reading and spell checks would really help your story.
Otherwise it is a fair first chapter, good job!
I love this story.
tienes una buena historia aquí
continua por favor
i'll start reading this when the spelling errors go away. Unfortunate because I actually want to read a YHaY that has a competent fighter as a protagonist.
A lot of errors would be fixed with a spell checker like he kept calling bats demands instead of demons
4884051 I know how you feel, doing martial arts on a regular basis myself I always find myself yelling fighting commands at the protagonist. Sadly they usually don't hear me, I wonder why...
I'll just leave it until there are a few more chapters and see if it's better then. The ideas are good; the writing is slightly lacking in comparison (e.g.SPaG, unclear plot at some points and ineffective phrasing - sorry that I can't leave a actual compilation of everything, I'm on my tablet so it's kind of awkward to). Now it's time to play the waiting game and see if advice/criticism is followed and the story is continued...
Sorry about the spelling everyone! As you can guess its not my special talent
but hopefully this helps out.
But I just got some software that I think will help out with that (because sometime i durp it up to much for word)
Thanks for letting me know what you think everyone! It helps out a lot!
4884051 A sad state of affairs indeed.
lets see where this goes and i might give a favorite.
I realize the author commented that he is going to use a program to spell check to correct a lot of the mistakes, but sometimes they miss things because they are words spelled correctly, but not the right word, or they will try to correct things that are already correct. So just in case, here's a list of things that stand out to me:
The first two commas are unnecessary, who/whom (I think whom is technically correct, but I don't think too many people would care if you used who)
a short, rusty-red
second, it's
Just
ain't, comma should be a period
comma should be a period
More of a suggestion: "What!?"
venom
pegasi, were
asked Nickel, throwing
In a store name, each word should be capitalized, especially "Flank".
comma should be period, 'There's'
were
Oh, with
First comma is unnecessary, second comma should be a period.
If her name isn't 'Blushing Nickel', then there should be a comma there. Also, 'Oh', 'splayed'.
Nickel
Deeper
Cage's
Nickel's
Unnecessary comma. Unnecessary period. 'as'
numb
'
half
straight
breaking
straight
beasts
wild
Nickel's, exclamation mark after 'him'
He's
Lots of errors this chapter.
Nickel and Cage? I'm not sure you've just did it on purpose to make "Nicholas Cage".
Ok, so far my only problem was the misspelling of words here and there - i'm not even going to bother pointing them out, just know its more than 4 (more or less). Not much yet to comment on but so far i like it.
4984254 lol, if he did then that's just fucking hilarious
not bad