GundamChief
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Ahh, the YHaY hate that is in the ratings. Alas, it will only be downvoted to oblivion for a few hours. Then will you have people with actually constructive criticism.
For the title, did you mean "Lone Ascendant?"
5003206
Yup. Thanks for that.
I'm guessing we already hit the reason for the "sex" tag, as that was some beautiful gun-porn going on
5003250
No problem.
Sweet
A story about me 
(I'm Daniel, a trained photographer, and from Alaska) 
On the topic of the story though, it is a decent enough start. Definitely could use the touch of an experienced editor though. Beyond that, add some detail to the story to flesh it out. So far it just reads like a series of actions but little more.
Aside from that, who the hell goes to Homer to do anything but fish? Fairbanks is better anyhow.
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Shotguns don't discriminate or really need to be aimed to kill people, and Daniel carried one of the best ones he could buy.
The shotgun was a twelve gauge Mossberg 500 tactical. This thing was meant to kill, as it served Daniel no other purpose then self defense. It had a capacity for eight shells, plus one in the barrel to bring the heat.
No, just no.
1. Cylinder bore shot spreads out about 1" per yard traveled past the muzzle. So at 20 feet (average defensive shooting distance) you are still only looking at 3-4 inches for the pattern. They do have to be aimed, and aimed well.
2. Shotguns, even "tacticool" ones serve other purposes than killing. I shoot clays with mine, as well as grouse hunting and bear defense.
3. The standard 500 holds 5+1. The 20" 590 is 8+1 capacity.
This puppy had a hair trigger
Light or tuned yes. Hair trigger, no. The double action pull to reliably ignite primers would still have to be around 6# double, 3.5# single action.
Firearm stuff aside, there is no need for the massive list of everything he has. It turns the story into a giant list. Take that and set it aside to work within those limitations, but unless it is specifically needed at a point it is just overly long.
It is Alaska, everyone keeps the guns in the cab anyhow. Doesn't do you any good to have to dig in the back when there is a bear on the hood of the truck after all.
5003265 You want gun porn? Check out my YHaU story
5003833 assets.diylol.com/hfs/5f1/c9a/ca5/resized/rod-serling-meme-generator-it-makes-perfect-sense-in-the-twilight-zone-495e9a.jpg
5003939
The character is hardly and "expert" at the weapons. Most of it was just his own personal opinion on the matter as opposed to "Factual" knowledge. It is also my own fault though as this is based on my own shotgun, which was a Mossberg Maverick I had once upon a time. I forgot certain details about it aside that it was an 8+1 capacity and a 12 gauge.
The Mossberg is pretty much the character's defense gun. Though it can obviously be used for things aside from killing, such as hunting, sport shooting, and general hell raising, self defense is the main reason he brought it. He didn't really even need it, as the M6 would have sufficed ultimately. Things happen though, and firepower doesn't hurt.
"Hair Trigger" was just his own personal opinion again. It's in no way a technical term for him.
As for the list, it's pretty much the only time it's gonna be mentioned, and it does serve a purpose later on. As for the guns being in the back, it's where he was going to sleep, and do his work. So unless he stayed up front for some reason, he'd want it close to where he was going to be 90% of the time.
5003833
Homer itself was just the starting point for him. There really isn't much to do in Homer at all aside from fishing off the spit. Kenai / Soldotna is kinda boring too. The only noteworthy thing to me is that strip bar next to the "Gentleman's" Golf course
5003946
Oh, I already know. All of your stories turn into pure gun-porn.
Holy shit, do all photographers in Alaska carry that much shit with them?
Well, he's certainly one of the most OP motherfuckers in Equestria right now.
5004702 As a photographer in Alaska, other than my camera gear (Nikon D5100, 18-55 VR, 55-200 VR, 18mm prime, 35mm prime, telephoto adapter, tripod, etc etc etc) I carry a revolver, 12ga or hunting rifle, and a .22 that will be suppressed very soon.
Not even counting tools, etc.
You've got to remember that you are talking about a place where wild critters are everywhere, and some of them know you are made out of steak.
5004765 ...Huh.
Remind me to never play against any game with Alaskans in it. You OP motherfuckers...best us Californians got is a flashlight in the glove compartment.
5004825 Big thing for bear country is that the best gun for bear is the one you have on you. Leaning against a tree while you go to the bathroom is useless, etc etc. Different guns for different things.
And yes, bears and wolves do come into town where I live. There were a few grizzlies in town a few weeks back, as well as wolves that come in every winter and pick off sled dogs and whatnot.
Granted, I'm in the northernmost substantially populated area in Alaska (Fairbanks) Anything further north is populations of a couple thousand down to just a dozen or two people.
Unlike other YHAY stories, this guy actually doesn't make me wanna scream in anger. He seems smart and intelligent, he brought TECHNOLOGY, Celestia IMMEDIATELY discovers he's intelligent and ISN'T like "DEAD! KILL HIM DEAD" or wanting him locked up, and YES! It DOES make no sense that he can't speak! NOR does it make any sense humans suddenly, after popping into Equestria in, historically speaking, a relatively short amount of time "devolving". In the original story, Lyra flat out says the race came to Equestria surprisingly recently, yet NOBODY seemed surprised they just popped out of nowhere, and since they're clearly NOT an indigenous species, it makes no sense they'd just devolve within a mere thousand years. It takes TENS OF THOUSANDS of years for a species to change. So that too makes no sense. Hopefully your story won't disappoint.
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5005207 Well.
Um.
Don't get eaten?
And don't shoot dudes?
5008098 Generally, not getting eaten is on my list of things to do. "Shooting dudes" is a harder answer. My actions will stay within the given boundaries for lethal force.
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
(insert appropriate Federation version of *HAIL ZEON* here)
Looks good so far. I'm liking this more than the original already. Keep it up!
I'm surprised she didn't leave a mental compulsion to head towards Canterlot
Chapter 1 needs some work, for two reasons. First, it feels like a rehash. "Human is transported to an Equestrian desert, happens to catch Celestia's eye." You might as well have pulled that directly out of the original Your Human and You.
Second, and more importantly in my opinion, the writing has a lot of problems with the basic mechanics. Your main problem is punctuation use, but that's not the end of it. Reading the list of details about the distances between different towns in Alaska was pretty dry. Also, you occasionally switch verb-tenses while you write. You'll be using past-tense, which is standard for stories, and then suddenly...
That should be written, "His eyes went wide as he jerked toward the door and pushed it open."
Another example would be the very last line of the chapter...
That should be "called" rather than "calls."
Regarding chapter 2, while the plot now seems to be diverging from the original Your Human and You, it still has the exact same writing problems I noted about chapter 1 (5012172). Reading the lists of things (all the possessions in his truck, for example) was pretty dry and dull. And there are still lots of problems with punctuation use and verb-tense changes.
I strongly recommend getting some editors or pre-readers. Look here for a good place to find them.
Liking it so far xD
Interesting so far, i really liked the part where it was described how the "energy" of various species was described and how our human was completly uniqe.
Good work, and an interesting take on the YHaY.
looking good so far.
5005839
Selective breeding can do wonders, and a great deal of our intelligence revolves around our ability with language—language is a large part of what lets us have abstract thought. With nonfunctional if not damaged vocal cords as a species, you'd be unable to teach language to your children, so the attitude of the species could vary dramatically. We'd be limited to grunts, body language, and despite the huge resources our bodies grant to social, language and abstract thought areas in our brains, they would be stunted and not very exercised, leading to less myelin in those areas, which would result in an eventual inability to use them to their fullest extent. It's nigh-impossible to have a written language without first having some form of verbal communication beyond grunting and pointing or pheromone-based cues.
5099408
Yeah uh, no, simply losing the ability to speak would mean they'd rely even more heavily on the written language even more so.
5100016
And once the new generation arrives, they'll be completely unable to write or speak, and without first developing their language centers—which happens primarily if not entirely through imitating the speech of parents, etc.— they'll likely never learn. Once every human that knew how to write died, language would stop being a thing for humans, and abstract thought I would assume would quickly follow.
Sorry that you seem to have missed my point.
5100105
If would have taken thousands of years to just forget something that big. They wouldn't physically devolve just cuz they COULDNT SPEAK!
5100123 It wouldn't be devolution. You're reading it wrong. And yes, they would. Small changes in environment can cause changes in fitness, and mutations that were previously advantageous might no longer be so, or vice versa. Language centers (among many other areas in the brain) are where a great deal of our energy is spent, and if that energy is not bringing an advantage—such as the vocal communication between members of our species—it would be wasted, and thus a disadvantage.
And it wouldn't take thousands of years. It would take a century, at most. If no one on the planet could no longer vocally speak in any language, children would all begin life with stunted if functional language centers, with speech being stuck at "crying brings food, and mommy" and "yelling is scary and mean" if it gets there at all. Infants wouldn't be able to recognize their native language, because they wouldn't have one. Infants also would likely only just be able to recognize their mother's voice, if it even went that far.
There's a difference between going a day, or even a week without speaking—and never having heard human speech.
As for the interaction with ponies, if they began to recognize the speech of ponies as their own, infants still wouldn't be able to talk, and so would be unable to respond in any abstract manner. Language is very much a two-way street, especially when you're learning it.
Finally, remember this. It took us hundreds of years to realize that shitting upstream of where you drink is a bad idea, that witches and magic and all that shit isn't actually a thing, and that natural disasters aren't the result of some fucknugget pissing off the wrong dude in the sky.
I would also say that it's very plausible that humans could 'devolve' as you put it in so short a time. Remember how Pegasi have wings too small to actually fly, they can fly with just the tips of their wings, and if they felt like it, fly upside down? Remember how a horse with a sun on her ass and a skewer on her head flung around a giant rock and never-ending lit fart for a thousand years? Remember how often humans selectively breed animals for our own uses, including just because we think something's cute?
Ponies can do it, too.
5100283 it would take thousands of years for such physical changes to occur, not a mere century. Simply being prohibited from being able to speak would not mean they would immediately throw away the idea of communicating with each other except in a matter of grunts. You're straining the level of believability. It would be one thing if the humans taken were all from a specific, Neanderthal esque time. But they are not, we've seen humans in the stories universe that are clearly closer to modern times in capable of modern speech. Science does not work that way. Evolution does not work that way. Adaptation does not work that way. The author simply wanted us to swallow a load of bullshit. To which I say, no. Look... suspension of disbelief is not equivalent to asking us to not think.
5101249
Of course they wouldn't immediately throw away communication. They wouldn't be able to teach it to their kids. That's when it would happen. You're not paying attention.
5102892
The written word is communication.
5102914 Yes, and language development begins with speech in children, following ideas such as crying -> food and mommy. The first stages are the child recognizing their mother's voice, and their native language—neither of which will happen.
It's nigh-impossible to teach someone a written language if they are wholly unable to speak, *and* there is no one to learn it *from*. The first step in learning a language when you're a child is learning how to *speak* it, then learning how to write or read.
Just because they are unable to speak, they are unable to teach their children. That's where this sudden change comes in. Their children don't have the same childhood as they do, and remain unable to speak. Their growth is stunted, and what little they were taught is all that's available to teach the next generation. And so on.
5102987
With them unable to speak, that just means they would emphasize the written word even more. You have a very cynical, pseudoscience view of humanity.
5105054
And I could say that you have a very optimistic, pseudo-science view of humanity. But yes, it seems that I'm unable to convince you, despite my reasoning which is backed up by actual science, and you giving zero evidence to the contrary besides "They just won't do that!" and "They would write more!".
If you do have evidence that they could properly develop the language and speech centers (which does include recognition, by the way) of their children, despite being unable to speak themselves, then I would agree: it's perfectly viable that they would—instead of speaking—communicate exclusively through writing. However, you've given me zero reason to believe that would be possible.
With the inability to speak, that would reduce the capability to teach any form of communication to children, which will cause their ability to drop to what body language and vocal cues they may somehow manage to learn and be able to imitate, over time worsening to dull silence, plus screaming, yelling, and so on when angry, etc.
This would be seen by ponies as a drop in intelligence—which, in many ways, it is—and then they would be used in some form or another as pets or slaves. They would be selectively bred—that means inbreeding, if you've not figured it out—for various things. Height, teeth shape, attitude, strength, loyalty, attentiveness, whatever they needed.
For all the inbreeding, many things could change, even if slightly. Their average body temperature may drop or raise a degree or two; they may have a change in diet, their lifespan might even shorten due to their caretakers simply being unable or unwilling to give them proper nutrients and care—and it stuck before they could figure that out? Magical pony land isn't a utopia, even the original story made this quite obvious.
However, these are my last words on the subject. You can continue to believe what you will.
5105675
You do remember in the story a human female actually SPEAKS A WORD to Max? She manages to say "sorry"? Clearly their speech centers aren't damaged, some kind of magic is just muting them. So even your reasoning doesn't stand up to scrutiny. And BTW, the ponies have talking cows, they have dogs, etc, etc, they don't choose to have sex with THEM, so them making this utterly alien, should have clearly shown signs of intelligence species upon first arrival culture of beings their slaves and SEX PETS makes even LESS SENSE.
Good start, very good start! Me gusta!. I not that keen on the way he got to equestria, but It's a hell of a lot better than some fics go about it, like for example they wish to be there or go to sleep then wake up there. And can't she teleport him to her and have luna with her, so there is no problem. But anyway, looking forward to more
Love it, please don't make this story died.
The story isn't dead. Life is just throwing curves at me ATM.
Looking good hope you'll update soon
5105675 People who are deaf, they are not stupid and they can learn just fine...
.
.
KitsuneNoYomeiri your theory might indeed be onto something, after a while we probably would stop Learning how to write and such but that would not happen in thousands, nor ten of thousands of years... a significant larger amount of time would be needed for such an "evolution". Also if we could only grunt and such we would simply create a new language based on signs, gestures and various grunts (like sign languages deaf people uses but with added grunts for emphasis). However the problem with this story is as you say. The ponies have enslaved and inbreed the humans and this action in itself could cause a drop in inteligence, since they might not be able to interact with one Another enough to create Culture of their own. And such the ponies are blissfully kept in the dark of how they robbed Another species of their inteligence, also there is something magical that further deprave mankind in the YhaY universe
Only wanted to speak my mind and did not mean to offend... hope you have a good day sir/madam
5219535
Of course deaf people are not stupid. But we're talking about mute people. As in an entire population of mutes. They may be able to learn just fine, but the problem is that they can't teach. The next generation of humans after they arrived in Equestria would have never heard enough English (or whatever) to understand it, and because of that, a lot of abstract ideas wouldn't be taught completely, if at all.
To put this in perspective, remember back to when you were first learning arithmetic. One plus one is two, one plus two is three, one plus three is four... now remember back to multiplication. Two times two, two times three... and so on.
Now imagine having to teach someone the basics of calculus... but you can't use any numbers at all. No multiplication, no exponentiation, not even simple addition or subtraction.
That's the problem the first Equestrian humans had when trying to teach their children... except it was for speaking. And speaking is the foundation for all forms of communication, and without a language to abstract things, it's nigh-impossible to explain such concepts to others, let alone figure them out yourself.
"Why isn't this story being updated!" Dave shouts out at 3:43 a.m. ,but then realizes that his family doesn't have much money and he live in a duplex so he has neighbors."Who the F*** yelled!" His neighbors yelled back, but muffled by the walls."S**t" was all Dave could say before getting a knock on the door.
Is this story on hiatus or is it dead? has been a long time since it was updated
5412275 10 weeks...AND NO UPDATE!