when a single man is thrust into a world where humans are nothing but pets, livestock, and slaves, he has to survive the only way he knows how...by rising above the odds. The question is, will he succeed, or break? All signs point to....maybe.
Chapter 1 needs some work, for two reasons. First, it feels like a rehash. "Human is transported to an Equestrian desert, happens to catch Celestia's eye." You might as well have pulled that directly out of the original Your Human and You.
Second, and more importantly in my opinion, the writing has a lot of problems with the basic mechanics. Your main problem is punctuation use, but that's not the end of it. Reading the list of details about the distances between different towns in Alaska was pretty dry. Also, you occasionally switch verb-tenses while you write. You'll be using past-tense, which is standard for stories, and then suddenly...
his eyes go wide as he jerks towards the door and pushes it open. Undoing his belt, he leaped out of the truck and stared at the now tiny rift.
That should be written, "His eyes went wide as he jerked toward the door and pushed it open."
Another example would be the very last line of the chapter...
Interesting so far, i really liked the part where it was described how the "energy" of various species was described and how our human was completly uniqe.
Chapter 1 needs some work, for two reasons. First, it feels like a rehash. "Human is transported to an Equestrian desert, happens to catch Celestia's eye." You might as well have pulled that directly out of the original Your Human and You.
Second, and more importantly in my opinion, the writing has a lot of problems with the basic mechanics. Your main problem is punctuation use, but that's not the end of it. Reading the list of details about the distances between different towns in Alaska was pretty dry. Also, you occasionally switch verb-tenses while you write. You'll be using past-tense, which is standard for stories, and then suddenly...
That should be written, "His eyes went wide as he jerked toward the door and pushed it open."
Another example would be the very last line of the chapter...
That should be "called" rather than "calls."
Interesting so far, i really liked the part where it was described how the "energy" of various species was described and how our human was completly uniqe.