- Member Since 29th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 14th, 2022
Alexander Jack
I'm an amateur writer, trying to improve upon my skill by writing fan-fiction and getting feedback from those who read.
Alexander Jack
Joined 29th Apr, 2012 ·
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This is pretty good, but one thing I will point out: based on the character tags plus some of his comments, it is obvious who Kestrel's benefactor is, but based on the speech patterns, it is not. Unless you have some reason why he's toning himself way down, the character's "voice" is entirely too calm and reasonable for who he is. I like the notion that he feels some desire to protect Equestria/the world and that he's grabbed a reluctant catspaw to do it for him since he's too stoned to do it himself :-), but unless you're speculating that the wackiness is all an act or that being in stone forces a personality mellowing on him (figuratively as well as literally stoned? :-)), his speech patterns are too calm and not funny enough.
4034805
Actually, you are correct in the reason I set him to be so mellow. Partially i put it as to show just how serious he thinks the situation is. Not only that, but his need to focus on the task at hand with the few things he can pull off makes him be forced into a more direct manner. On top of that, Kestral wouldn't take him too seriously as to 'him' being the good guy in this if he told Kestral to go do his dirty work while laughing maniacally. I'm trying to let his natural personality show more when he knows things are settling into his plans
Thanks for the comment, by the way. Helps me with the story more than one would think.
I like the story so far.
Keep on the good work
Well, this threat is one I did not expect. Great work so far, hoping for more, and it's quite the interesting concept for a threat!
i like it
...i still like it
i have a need, a need for MOAR!!!
4234967
Well, i'm glad you do! Honestly I'm happy to be able to entertain people and sharpen my writing skills at the same time. Care to tell me what you like specifically, or perhaps anything you don't like? Anything i should improve on?
4235135 i like the humor and the writing style and i can get behind the main guy, it reminds me of the games i used to play with my older brother.
I am a black belt in taekwondo.
Most actual fights are that short, in my experience. Especially if there's steel involved. A bit louder though.
Take my like and fav, you deserve it.
I have to say, I like this anti-hero. "I'll save you and loot your place while you sleep!"
This is entertaining to watch. I'm still waiting for what the report will be for the changelings and who's changelings he's killing. The reaction of Redheart, please put it in writing. That reaction, along with Longsword, should be hilarious, especially if he really does think the thief if a drunk and drug addict and STILL beating him. Keep this up, I don't know how you did it but you've created a very fun and entertaining story with a completely unsympathetic and jerk of an anti-hero for a protagonist.
4268760
Not completely unsympathetic. Mind you, he limited his heist from the jewelry shop, because he didn't want to bankrupt them. He just needed a good source of cash, and with the stuff he left, they could more easily recover than from nothing. At the hospital, he became aware that his actions might cause permanent damage to someone, but since he still wanted/needed things, he let the blame fall onto himself, which at the same time, attests to his confidence in his ability to get away with it. I'll end up sending him into more morally stressing positions at some point, but it may not be soon.
Granted, he's willing to do some bad things, but since it branched from survival, he's still just making sure he gets through the day; More so than before he was taken to Equestria.
4268861
My big question: why the heck didn't he get a silencer for his guns after the FIRST time he shot it. Or at least ask Discord if there was a way to silence them.
4268896
Oh, he's asking for them in this next chapter. As for why not until now, he didn't think it would be a problem. He was confidant that he could use just his knife for silent kills, and it is now apparent to him that he needs better equipment for tricky situations.
4268966
Another question that I wasn't clear about based on the description of his shadow teleport spell. Does the space between the two openings have to be open with no objects between them or just the area around the openings? That was something that confused me. It's probably the former as if it was the latter, he'd use that for entry by looking through windows and finding an open spot inside but I figured I'd confirm my theory.
4269044 the former. Instead of 'skipping' the space between like a normal teleport would be, it's like just dragging his entry point to the other place and using it again as an exit. It's silent and does not show light, compared to a normal teleport, but must have clear space between.
4269062
Are there going to be some creative uses of it? I just imagine the open third story window he jumps into, since no one thinks the thief can fly. Also, I love the magical weightless backpack he now has and it makes more sense than video game logic where the character is carrying too much junk to be realistically carried.
4269070
Yeah, he'll get creative. I won't expose too much, but i can say that he'll start thinking out of the box with some of his later abilities. I even have a list of what he'll have, but I can't just let him have them all at once. I can tell you though, that most of them are either related to or effective for thieving.
4268966 like a lock pick and stuff and please show the reactions of the note please. -buster
this will be interesting
He should definitely ask discord for a revolver/compatible muffler. Would keep the guard from coming immediately.
I love the reaction to him being a "drug addict and alcoholic." It is such the perfect deception. I also like Lyra but the funny part is that he has Discord, so it would be hard to set a trap unless they knew who were changelings which they can't figure out anyway. Then again, it should be interesting if he ever has to fight the ponies. Question: why doesn't he also see if he can get some type of sleep ammunition or something to knock out ponies, since he'll have to deal with the guards eventually and just knocking them out from range would be much more convenient.
Is it the dishonored mark? If so that would be cool.
Now I am curious about that mark.
I, MUST, KNOW!
... please
I. NEED. MOAARR!
Make a picture of it and show it to us. Really loving this story by the way.
4234469
Indeed
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?
4334559 ... Why does everyone ask this?
4335987 Because it wouldn't be a good story without Rainbow Dash being awesome. (although there are exceptions) ...Why, do you not like her?
4337791 rd is best pony, but this is the sixth comment I've seen saying the same thing.
4340198 Are you saying that people other then me on this or any other story have asked this question?
4343539 other stories, different people.
4344003 Can you send me a few examples? Please?
Brownies........ FUCK YA!
4366946 no... BROWNIES BLOODY FUCKING HELL YEAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Twice the amount of story?
You don't see me complaining!
Never finish this story!
I like the idea of leaving messages. Make a circle where the changeling bodies are placed on each side of the circle. Put a random sign in the middle and it might look like a summoning circle. The possibilities are endless!
The only problem with morphine is the really high addiction rate from injections.
Are we going to be seeing this in the future?
creativeuncut.com/gallery-07/art/swfu-force-lightning.jpg
Definitely interesting
Before I read this, I have to ask...
Was the title inspired by the PC game series Thief?
4378391
I started this before i was aware of the remake, and before that, i wasn't a huge fan of the series anyway. So, not exactly 'inspired', it's more like a place holder until i can think of a better name.
Although, you're welcome to say it was, since the protagonists are both thieves.
...moderate xenophobia.
...
moderate?...
if moderate xenophobia means running away in fear from what whould basicly be a pony with a diffrent colour scheme then i dont want to know what extreme xenophobia is...
If he's gonna start on psychological warfare, he should break into the guard house and mess with them. Maybe leave another creepy note, like "I see everything." That would work.
4246813 That is fucking awesome.
I was an orange belt in kajukenbo before the dojo I went to closed down