i am a maker of dubstep and i love writing.
Rated PG-13 Intense action violence throughout
Changeling Shadow Strike is sent to spy on the ponies by an ever growing Queen Chrysalis. Shadow has a change of heart as his mission progresses. can he save equestria from a maleficent enemy?
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Hey DJ Shadowstrike,
i noticed you had four thumbs down, and i didn't want you to get discouraged because negative votes definitely chip at my drive to create. I wanted to offer some feedback which would greatly help the flow of your story.
This is your first paragraph, read through it out loud.
"The plate settled down right inside the bars of the cell. The guard quickly recoiled as an evil being appeared from the corner of the cell. It was known as a changeling. The changeling snarled violently at the guard and shoved his face into the food. The guard turned around only to be met with another changeling. He screeched as a black lightning bolt fired from the changeling’s horn. The guard fell. The one changeling approached the prisoner and threw him a pair of keys."
now, i added some changes, read through this version out loud and see if you notice a difference:
"The plate hardly settled down inside the bars of the cell before the guard recoiled, an evil being appearing from the corner of the cell. The beast, a changeling, snarled violently at the guard and shoved his face into the food. The guard turned around only to be met with another changeling, screeching as a black lightning bolt fired from the changeling's horn, causing the guard to fall. The one changeling approached the prisoner and threw him a pair of keys."
The difference is the use of periods, a one of the most important tools you have of controlling the readers progress across the page. Your sentences are rather short and cause the reader to stop repeatedly without going very far, much like being in a traffic jam. Sometimes this can be an effect you wish to create, but since this is an action scene you want the reader to fly through it white-knuckled like a high speed chase.
My advice to you is to try to use commas and conjunctions (and, but, while, etc) to combine sentences for a better flow :)
I hope it helps! and congrats on finishing your story! 14,000 words is a lot and you should be proud knowing not only did you finish a story, but next time you can do even better!
Okay, I can't fault your premise. However, like WA0nderer said, your sentence structure could use work and, personally, I felt that the pacing could have been done better (I know it was written for a contest, but still)