the change of one

by Dj Shadowstrike556

Shadows

The Change of one

Rated PG-13 Intense Action Violence throughout

During the events of episodes princess twilight sparkle

. The plate settled down right inside the bars of the cell. The guard quickly recoiled as an evil being appeared from the corner of the cell. It was known as a changeling. The changeling snarled violently at the guard and shoved his face into the food. The guard turned around only to be met with another changeling. He screeched as a black lightning bolt fired from the changeling’s horn. The guard fell. The one changeling approached the prisoner and threw him a pair of keys.
“Shadow” the savior began “the queen still needs you.”
The changeling named shadow opened up his cell and willingly followed. They both dragged the unconscious guard away and shoved him into the cell. The changeling raised his hoof and waved for shadow to follow. The calm sound of two more guards walking down a pair of stairs filled the ears of shadow. Both of the changelings ducked down behind a pair of boxes. The guards gasped at the sight of their fellow friend in the cell. Both changelings came up behind them. They both raised a hoof and brought it down on the guards. Their armor clattered on the ground. Shadow galloped to the end of the hallway swiftly and opened the door as his companion followed. They both ascended a flight of stairs that lead straight for the third level. There are three levels of the underground prison. Shadow was on the bottom. The stairwell allowed them to skip the second level but they both had to sneak passed the mess hall and through the supply warehouse.
“Are you sure we can get passed them? Without our power to change we will be easily spotted and both of us will be stuck in a cell. I might also mention this may spark a hunt for the queen. She will be under everyponies radar. We need to stay silent.” The changeling said.
“Don’t worry too much” Shadow started “We will be fine as long as you follow me closely.”

His partner nodded unsure about their current plan. From the door leading into the mess hall they spotted five guards. Shadow opened the door slowly and carefully slipped his way to a pillar. The guards were all sitting at one table. Shadow waved at his partner to follow him. All of a sudden the guards got up and dispersed away from the table. The tables offered little cover for sneaking. Shadow shook his head and swiftly dove for the next pillar. A guard started walking to his direction. Shadow braced himself and waved for his friend to take out the guard staring at his pillar. The other three walked to the elevator leading down to the cell blocks. They passed not noticing the two escapees. The one guard was about to join them when shadow while crouching behind his pillar grabbed the guard and choked him. The guard across the way gasped ever so slightly as shadows partner grabbed his neck, ripped off his helmet and threw his forehead into the wall knocking him out. The helmet flew away and nearly clattered on the floor but instead hit a flour bag left in the room. The guards entered the elevator and slowly descended into the prison. Shadow let go of his opponent and sprinted to the door leading to the exit. They both were about to open the door when in pushed open. Shadow was kicked away by his friend as three more guards appeared in the doorway. The unsuspecting guards walked out of the doorway. Shadow and his partner scrambled behind the white stone pillars and waited. The changelings cautiously opened the door to the exit as the guards walked towards the elevator. On the other side of the door Shadow sprinted to the end of the long hallway. The changeling followed Shadow down a corridor. The two galloped silently down the thin hallway.
“Where are we going?” the changeling asked.
“We are heading to the east tower.” Shadow replied.
He knew what to do. He planned to jump off the side while being carried by the other changeling. Shadow shoved open the last door to gaze upon the beautiful moon over Equestria. He let out a massive breath of relief.
He turned to his savior and told him “I never got your name.”
“It’s fury.” He replied.
Just then a loud siren blasted out over Canterlot. Shadow and Fury spun around and saw the guards sprinting towards them.

“You need to leave!” Shadow ordered “If they find us both…”
Fury nodded and flew away. Shadows wings however are forever damaged. In the fight for Canterlot they were broken by Rainbow Dash. It doesn’t bother him though. That’s when it happened. A spark ignited in front of him. He turned to spot the guards shooting stun spells at him. Shadow turned and galloped into the other direction. The bolts slammed into the ground around him. Shadows horn lit up with a white spark. He fired it towards the guards. A flash of white blinded them as shadow galloped away. Ahead was another pack of guards. Shadow stopped and looked back. The others were stumbling to him. He looked down at the fall to the earth and exhaled. It was a far drop…but the prisons wall was slanted. Shadow hopped of the side and started to slide down. More bolts slammed into the walls around him. The ground came up quickly. Shadow fell hard on the ground. A pair of hooves grasped his. He looked up as a royal guard tried to drag him away. Shadow stood up and flipped the guard on his back. Another one approached almost bucking him. Shadow raised his hoof and blocked it. Another pair of hooves came and grabbed his back. Shadow was forced onto his hind legs. He bucked away the guard attacking him and flipped over the one grappling him. A fountain lay in the middle of the courtyard. Shadow sprinted behind it as more guards approached shooting him with their horns. Parts of the fountain shattered as the guards fired. Shadow shot back with blue bolts. The shooting stopped and Shadow slowly got up. As he was peaking over the top a guard tackled him from the front. Shadows back was pressed down on the ground as his attacker growled at him. More approached. Shadow brought his hooves up and slammed them both in the assailant’s ears. The guard recoiled a bit. He then bucked the guard off of him. Another guard jumped at him. Shadow leapt into the air and dropped right onto the guards back. Shadow rolled off and ducked down as a hoof from another guard swung his way. He punched the guards face and quickly bucked away another. One tried to tackle him again. Shadow grabbed him and chucked him into the fountain statue. Just then an explosion filled the air. Shadow looked up and saw a tower falling. Fury detonated a tower and was now falling down towards them. Brick and mortar fell on the guards. Shadow quickly and swiftly rolled away as the tower crashed down on the guards knocking them out. Smoke and debris filled the air. Nopony could see Shadow…
The escaped changeling galloped away through the pathway his companion Fury made. A note appeared from a green smoke in front of him. The note opened up by itself and free floated as Shadow ran away.

“Shadow…” Queen Chrysalis’s voice echoed from the Note “Our time is at hand. The changeling army is gathering once again. I grow more powerful since my defeat at the Canterlot wedding. But now we come together… The foals Twilight and all of them must be silenced… but for now Shadow you have a special mission…Meet up with the Diamond dogs in the Everfree forest. They will show you the way to Ponyville. You are to follow those ponies that ended our chance so long ago… Twilight Sparkle, Apple Jack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy are your targets. Follow and spy on them and inform me of everything. Good luck.”
Shadow nodded as he scrambled away into the forest.

Comments

[Serenity Rising]

Hey DJ Shadowstrike,
i noticed you had four thumbs down, and i didn't want you to get discouraged because negative votes definitely chip at my drive to create. I wanted to offer some feedback which would greatly help the flow of your story.
This is your first paragraph, read through it out loud.
"The plate settled down right inside the bars of the cell. The guard quickly recoiled as an evil being appeared from the corner of the cell. It was known as a changeling. The changeling snarled violently at the guard and shoved his face into the food. The guard turned around only to be met with another changeling. He screeched as a black lightning bolt fired from the changeling’s horn. The guard fell. The one changeling approached the prisoner and threw him a pair of keys."
now, i added some changes, read through this version out loud and see if you notice a difference:
"The plate hardly settled down inside the bars of the cell before the guard recoiled, an evil being appearing from the corner of the cell. The beast, a changeling, snarled violently at the guard and shoved his face into the food. The guard turned around only to be met with another changeling, screeching as a black lightning bolt fired from the changeling's horn, causing the guard to fall. The one changeling approached the prisoner and threw him a pair of keys."
The difference is the use of periods, a one of the most important tools you have of controlling the readers progress across the page. Your sentences are rather short and cause the reader to stop repeatedly without going very far, much like being in a traffic jam. Sometimes this can be an effect you wish to create, but since this is an action scene you want the reader to fly through it white-knuckled like a high speed chase.
My advice to you is to try to use commas and conjunctions (and, but, while, etc) to combine sentences for a better flow :)
I hope it helps! and congrats on finishing your story! 14,000 words is a lot and you should be proud knowing not only did you finish a story, but next time you can do even better!