It was the news that shocked Equestria. Rainbow Dash did the unthinkable, she attempted suicide.
Luckily, she was saved from drowning at the last minute when Fluttershy saw her. After being taken to the hospital, news broke out. The question of "why?" on everypony's lips.
Her friends searched for any kind of clue as to what made their friend drive herself to do such a thing.
At Rainbow's house, they found out why.
A few days later, Rainbow Dash woke up in a hospital bed, and right next to her, she's confronted by the last pony she ever wanted to see: Pinkie Pie.
And this, was that conversation.
A huge thank you to TheOtherSideOfFluttershy for the cover art.
And a special thank you to SecretBrony01 for editing this.
Chapters (1)
Could use some editing, someone should probably take the time to correct you onomatopoeia, but it's good nonetheless.
4858207 not at all. There is a group that's dedicated to authors looking for editors.
But she saw that you (went) [weren’t ]
(Checked) me out when I wasn't looking?" [check]
what if you see me as (discussing)? [ disgusting ] both times the word is used.
I... I'm not entirely sure how to say this, but here goes...
Bad news first: the logic. Just... The logic. Don't get me wrong here, the overall "RD attempts suicide, commence heartfelt chat with (insert mane 6 member here)" was good. I just felt the execution was a bit wonky. Specifically how her love was what drove her to suicide, and how the conversation was handled. Again, not that those plot points HAPPENED, but their execution.
Good news: it was well written, it was an actual story, events were easy to follow, everypony was in character, etc.
Overall, I just wish the explanations and reasoning was either re-written, or better worded.
Elephant in the room: how can we know (as readers) that RD will not try again, because from the end of the story and her motives, it sounds like she will. Whether or not you meant for it to sound that way, that's what I, and likely many others, took from that.
Conclusion: I won't downvote you for what may very well be a small error in wording, but at the same time, I cannot bring myself to up vote or favorite either. I hope I was able to give you some helpful criticism, and I wish you the best in any future endeavors.
4858347
Such is the nature of suicide. I see it done wrong a lot, not due to bad writers (though there are some) but because it's hard to write about. The best suicide/attempted suicide fics I've read never tried to answer every detail, but focused more on the emotions involved... But I digress.
What I would suggest for this story would be to separate the crush on pinkie, and the overarching reason she tried to kill herself. The rejection/incompatibility could definitely be a contributing factor, but I have a hard time believing that missed love opportunities are the sole cause of suicides.
More plausible: RD is feeling down and depressed due to some life problems. For example; she could've been kicked off the weather team, she could feel that she is taken for granted because of her loyalty (I see this one a lot.) then she develops a crush on pinkie pie. (Insert rejection here). RD feels that life isn't worth it, boom, drowning, cue sappy music and heart to heart.
And that's why suicide is a cruel mistress to write for. The amount of buildup to the actual suicide has to show the readers why this character believes life isn't worth living. It's just too complex to have a failed relationship driving ponies off of bridges. Besides, that's what Shakespeare is for...
I like this story, upvoted. Interesting concept, it could use a little more wording make-up.
But you have a few errors :
It should be:
You're the same Rainbow Danger...
and a few others.
4858663 I'll fix that as soon as I can. But as of Now, I need sleep.
4858567 no problem. Glad I was able to help.
4860752 Well, it's still awkward in places, but I read the before and the after, and it is much, much better now that you revised it. Most writers can't be bothered to try to revise at all. So you got an upvote from me for really doing more with Dash.
One easy thing that would help is if you put an extra space between paragraphs. It will be much easier to read.
Bleh.
There is no indication that being gay is actually something socially awkward in Equestria.
4860844
Also, the whole reasoning behind "ohgog, I`m a sexual freak of nature, better go kill myself cause I`ve no chance with Pinkie" you ascribe to Rainbow is entirely asinine.
4860917
There's something to this. Bullying - under any name, for any reason - is always done with the tacit support of the community. Someone who's hemmed in and harassed to the point of attempted suicide isn't going to have dozens of apology cards. The hostility will continue until they've finished the job. Any supporters will face harassment and ostracism themselves.
If the situation is that bad in Ponyville, then Rainbow's friends are taking some personal risk by being willing to continue to associate with her. It's also begs the question of why they want to continue to associate with her; if homophobia is a deep part of Ponyville, then it's likely a deep part of them as well. If Ponyville isn't all that bad, then Cloudsdale must have been terrible for her to internalize the hatred to such a degree.
4862131
In the broadest sense, "they" is pretty much everyone.
There are those who are actively hostile, who holler insults, make up lies, attack people, and otherwise do the dirty work. But they are only the most obvious part of an intimidating culture.
The next batch is the passively hostile. They provide the moral support for the first group, nodding agreement, repeating untruths, laugh at the bigoted jokes and generally giving the impression that society as a whole agrees with them. They don't quite have the guts to be aggressive, but their role is vital.
The last batch is the bystanders. They may not agree with the first two classes, but they provide the important role of denying support to the victim. When the target of aggression is flailing out desperately for someone, anyone, to help them, they pull back and look the other way.
They aren't going to follow her to Ponyville. Bullying is done because it's easy, free of consequence, and socially rewarding. When any of those things stops being true, the bullying ends. Going all the way to another town requires too much effort. Rainbow can easily be replaced by another local victim.
Kids, bullies especially, do what the adults allow. If the bullies are launching sexually-charged epithets at another student, it's because the school officials allow this. They'd be in the second or third category; either themselves disliking homosexuals (and thus allowing the bullies to be their proxy spokesmen) or being unwilling to stand up against the bullies' parents who would defend their children's words and actions.
This would make sense.
But it also draws back to bigotry. Once you find out that someone you would otherwise admire has a quality you despise, what do you do? There would be those who would feel betrayed that Rainbow Dash is gay. "I used to look up to you! How could you turn out to be one of them!?" There are those who have been sitting on the fence who now have a reason to get off it. "Being gay can't be so bad if Rainbow Dash is gay." Some of those will be closet cases who can cautiously address the issue without risking coming out themselves. And all the victims have a cause celebre to inject some much-needed confidence in their lives. "Rainbow Dash is gay and okay, so I can be okay, too."
And this is how bigotry ends. One friend at a time, one link at a time, until the victim is no longer a safe target. Once Rainbow Dash has close friends - friends who clearly accept her, homosexuality and all - one can no longer harass her in isolation. They risk crossing and angering other ponies. This is something that spreads; even if (theoretically speaking) Carrot Top is homophobic, she's far less likely to open her mouth on the subject if Big Mac or the Cakes were nearby because those ponies are linked back to Rainbow via her friends and are likely to have harsh words for her. She risks being argued with - or even rejected outright - instead of receiving cheap support. No one wants to risk their social standing; bullies don't operate from deep principles and most simply shut up and move on in the face of a meaningful challenge.
I've probably talked way too much here. I always enjoy asking questions and exploring the background behind things. Please don't take this comment - or the other one - as complaint of your work. I'm not trying to tear it down or anything. I just want to know more, even if that takes me outside the scope of the work. So, please forgive my poking and prodding at things.
Absolutely not.
4862573
I'll admit I don't really have any suggestions for improvement. There's several things - as I mentioned earlier - that I want to know, but they don't neatly fall within the scope of your story; I can't really justify adding stuff just to satisfy my curiosity that would pull focus from the story that you are trying to write. I suppose it would be nice to have the text of the note, but it's substance can already be inferred. There's some editing needed (as always) and some peculiarities with formatting (underlining used for emphasis? Strange), but those aren't really issues with the story.
Grammar needs fixing, spelling needs fixing.
Whole damn thing needs fixing.
4862573
4862813
Mechanically-wise, it`s acceptable. Granted, if someone with good eye for grammar were to take a look, they`ll probably have some suggestions, but it`d be nitpicking at this point.
That being said, I have had read through your discussion... And it leaves me rather confused. The story itself didn`t touch much on the issues of homosexuality acceptance/rejection in Equestria. Moreso, Dash`s reasons for actually trying suicide are rather... less then reasonable. Don`t get me wrong - suicide IS a notion that occurs to many people in all the kinds of life situations. Key words - OCCURS AS A NOTION.
The number of people who actually make a serious attempt on their own life is order of magnitude below that, and their reasons are usually MUCH more jagging then "I`m worried things will go badly for me." As a rule of thumb, suicide usually happens AFTER bad things happened and person in question is flat-out unable to cope with them.
So, given the story example, it could`ve been plausible if Dash had tried to talk to Pinkie about this, and received something to the tune of "Dashie, what are you talking about? This is not funny. Why would you ever want to pretend you`re one of those filthy.. things?" That could`ve done the trick. But as a rule of thumb, people do NOT walk off the deep end until their worst fears are confirmed.
I won't harp on about much of the stuff that other people have, but I do question the romance tag given that there isn't any.
your grammar hurt my physically at some points... but aside from that this is a nice little ball of fuzzyness^^ Once you look past the fact that dash tried to kill herself
5184871 youre welcome
Yeah, she better be sorry. For making anyone listen to that. "I might not be remembered forever by everyone who will ever live, just the same as all the rest! Oh woe is me, for I am not acknowledged as I deserve, though I am more important than anyone has ever been! I cannot bear the agony of life; I die."
You really couldn't have come up with a reason that doesn't make her look quite so snivelingly juvenile?
I like your writing style
Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love LOVE your writing style and this story
5984943 Please, a little less enthusiasm I beg you.
5984957 Can do unless that's sarcasm? Not good with that...
5987788 It's a reference to the movie "Amadeus" actually. In this context, it means, "Thank you for the praise, but tone it down a touch." But still, thanks anyway.
That was very touching. I liked it.
Ah yes, the first story that me and my friends read together... happy memories