At long last, the princess of Equestria have managed to secure peace with the queen of the changelings. The two races have come together for the betterment of each. There may still be some tension on an individual level but as a whole each now accepts the other. As the new era begins ambassadors are being sent to each side.
For the changeling ambassadors, Princess Twilight Sparkle has volunteered to house the ponies in Ponyville and to make it her priority that everything goes smoothly. She believes that it will definitely be a learning experience for both races.
For one of the changelings though she couldn't be more right.
Written for the: The Equestria Daily Outside Insight Summer Fanfic Contest
Thanks to my editors/prereaders: Flintlock Spark, Bladeofthemad and NightmareKnight
I thank these guys for putting up with my i'll timed writing explosions...like this one!
I personally loved the story. Now I'm too curious as to what the Disney reference is... Nyahhhh, must find out!
Later...
~Flow
Oh I liked the story. I thought the changing into a log was a reference to how rural legends tell of fay switching babies for logs, which is the real-life version of Changelings.
Was the Disney reference the upside horse?
While I saw no errors in the story, the short description had some. As what should draw readers in, it's important that I help you out
At long last, the princesses of Equestria have managed to secure peace with the queen of the changelings. The two races have come together for the betterment of each. There may still be some tension on an individual level but as a whole each now accepts the other. As the new era
beingsbegins, ambassadors are being sent to each side.For the changeling ambassadors, Princess Twilight Sparkle has volunteered to house
the ponies((them?)) in Ponyville and to make it her priority that everything goes smoothly. She believes that it will definitely be a learning experience for both races.For one of the changelings though she couldn't be more right.
4858759 actually the whole log thing is just one of those sleepign etaphors, like sawing logs or slept like a rock...but i didn't want to make him a rock for some reason...and no the upside down wasn't the disey reference...but thanks
4859909
Heh, my bad. I should have caught "sleeping like a log".
Twilight really should have known better then to teach him so many colours at once. After all, there must be a reason why changeling eyes are sealed at birth.
Anyway, good luck with the rest of your stories.
I really enjoyed this story. I would love to see more about these characters. Changlings are so neat, and I like what you did with the nymph(foal?).
4861584 i'll think about it...maybe
Spotted a few minor editing glitches, and your formatting seems to change halfway through, but overall the writing is pleasant enough. For the purposes of the competition, though, I'm not sure this meets the prompt requirements.
MOAR Pwease?
4865711 yeah sometimes when i go from microsoft word to gdocs to here it does some thing that i can't seem to see and then hear about i find it werid...and i realize the whole "prompt thing" i may have interpretted it wrong...but i figured that out....right about when i had finished writing so i thought to myself "....eh fuck it. LETS DO THIS ANYWAY!!!"
4866189 ...reall?...i guess i could...i'll look into it
4867465 YAY TANK YOU
Well this was a cute story. And that Disney reference must be obscure, because I can't find it to save me.
Most enjoyable. I hope Twilight didn't take the lesson too far, though... I can imagine a few ways that could go wrong.
Greetings, HAZESHIFT. Here begins the review you requested from WRITE.
To be blunt, I'm getting a bad first impression, because the synopsis, the faceplate you put on it, doesn't stand up well. I see that someone has said as much in the comments as well.
I assume you meant "princesses," but in either case, there's number disagreement here.
"but as a whole" should be set off with commas. The first is because you're starting a new clause there, and the second is to erase ambiguity over whether "whole" is being used as a noun or adjective. The latter is more common, so the reader's likely to trip on it as is, like I did.
Another place where a comma is needed between clauses. This isn't a foolproof rule, but in general, if a conjunction separates clauses (each with its own subject and verb), use a comma, but if they're just separating multiple parts of a compound subject or verb, then you don't use one, unless they get rather lengthy or complex.
Why is she hosting ponies for the changelings? Are you saying that she's hosting the pony delegation so that they can participate in the summit with the changelings, or are you referring to the changelings as ponies here? It's confusing.
This is a very down-in-the-weeds grammatical point, but you're talking about a hypothetical situation here, so it should use subjunctive mood: that everything go smoothly.
Put commas around "though." It's not absolutely necessary, but I hear pauses there as I read anyway. It feels natural.
ill-timed
And now on to the story!
First paragraph. This needs to grab the reader's attention and start to deliver on what the synopsis promised. The reader is here for action and characters. Scene-setting is also a legitimate thing to do up front, but get to one of those quickly.
Look at that first sentence. It's pretty clunky. The "in the town of Ponyville" feels rather tacked on, whereas it's pretty much the point of the sentence. That part's also a dependent clause that needs a comma. As an aisde, look how you use "was" three times in that sentence. Besides getting repetitive, that's also a verb to avoid as much as possible. It's much more interesting to read about what happens, not what is. It's dragging the story's motion to a halt, which you really don't want to do right off the bat like this.
"Magic-sapping" should be hyphenated, as it's a multi-word modifier.
All three of these sentences basically say the same thing. At least one listed examples, which have a lot more power than generalities, but this creates the impression that you're stretching for word count and can't think of anything more interesting to say.
You might want to have a look at Chris's fairly recent columns on coming up with a good first sentence.
first column
follow-up
another follow-up
Another descriptor that needs a hyphen.
Participles and "as" clauses both synchronize actions. Each of these would be fine on their own. I could believe she set her book down and glanced at the clock simultaneously. I could also believe that she looked at the clock at the same time she walked out of the room. But you've made all three happen together, and it's tougher to buy her setting down her book as she walks out of the room.
You just said she was trotting. Then you have the same synchronization problem here. You have her opening the door when she arrives, but somehow at the same time she's trotting over. Just suffice it to say you need to pay attention to this issue, but I'm not going to single out more instances, or I'll be using up a lot of space to do so.
You've got an extra period there. Now, I assume you've seen a discussion of show versus tell. As a comic moment, it's not so necessary to show, except that you actually do, in the next sentence, which pre-empts the need to describe her as puzzled here.
A few things. First, use a proper dash. Alt+0151 will produce an em dash. Second, smart quotes are often confused by certain things, including dashes. It's backward here. You could type the quotes first and add the dash later, or you could copy quotes from somewhere else. Third, that's a very clunky speaking attribution, and one that doesn't quite grammatically parse.
Hyphenate.
Needs a comma for direct address.
A semicolon doesn't work there since there's no independent clause after it. Except for very specific uses, you should be able to replace one with a period to form two complete sentences.
Such an honorific would be capitalized.
Direct address and capitalization agaIn. Basically, once I mark something twice, I assume you get the picture.
Another one that's in the weeds, but this should be "my asking."
I'm not sure it's necessary to say this at all, as it doesn't seem to matter that he forgot. It's more the author accentuating that he didn't answer, but that'll become apparent if Twilight has to ask him again.
Needs a comma for the dependent clause.
It's a bit intrusive of a narrator to inform us of character motives anyway, but this is another one that's probably unnecessary to communicate in the first place.
This doesn't quite parse as an attribution either, since you've already given the verb a direct object, and you never had her go over to the luggage.
Watch using "small" in consecutive sentences like that.
You sure this isn't a spell-check mangling of "inclining"?
Close repetition of "slowly" and "eyes."
You're hopping around to a lot of perspectives, but you're also not having the narrator speak any characters' thoughts for them, so this fits with an omniscient narrator. However, omniscient narrators have some limitations. This is an opinion. Who would find it surprising? You're not in a character's perspective, so I don't know who, and an objective narrator shouldn't be expressing his own opinions.
You haven't described him as doing much so far, and none of it is particularly childish. Really set the scene here. He should leap right off the page as precocious and energetic. It's also an opportunity to characterize everyone else by how they react? Does Twilight act amused? Embarrassed? Do his parents rush to stop him, or do they give him free rein?
Typo. And show me what all he looks at. This is very vague. What catches his interest? How does he react to a few of the items? Does he just look, or does he touch as well?
Now you're breaking from an omniscient narrator. He's taking a conversational tone and vocalizing Twilight's thoughts for her. Try to keep the narrative voice consistent.
Again, don't over-explain character motivations. Why might she do to get this across more subtly? Maybe flinch a hoof toward her notebook, maybe wonder how interesting Luna would find this knowledge, etc.
Another attribution that doesn't parse well. See how that could stand as its own sentence in a way that "Dotted said" couldn't?
Well, show me some that she comes up with and her reaction to them.
Note that you have a single quotation mark in one spot. And here's how to do an aside in a quote:
“I told you not to tell that story, it’s embarrassing—” he spun around to face Twilight in the second half of his sentence, lifting one hoof into the air in his defense “—and it only happened once!”
You used "childish" recently enough that it stands out, and here's the narrator expressing an opinion again.
Feels repetitive.
You're not really giving the reader much to laugh at here. Basically you're telling me to trust the narrator that it's funny or cute. Let me see it and make my own judgment. If the characters still react this way, that's fine, but then I'm laughing with them instead of wondering what they saw.
Most times, you'll set off a participle with a comma.
Another questionable attribution. I think one should go before the speech, too, since this quote tended to follow from what Twilight said, and I thought it was still her speaking.
This is becoming a recurring issue. Their reactions are vague, and their motives are over-explained. Describe their facial expressions, have them sputter a bit of dialogue about it.
He was interested in her, I'll give you that, but his most recent complaint was about a lesson, which Twilight can't exactly give him.
Clunky to stack up two "as" clauses like that, plus the telly "look of joy." And why tell me his father agreed when the dialogue already says that?
Dash, backward quotes, missing space, and having the narrator trail off is a limited affectation, so it's breaking from the overall omniscient feel again.
Another attribution that doesn't quite work, and I've pointed out enough of those, but there's something else here. First of all, you don't need to narrate Twilight as being cut off, since I can already see it in her speech. Second, a cutoff loses its feeling of suddenness when the narrator (or anyone else, for that matter) has time to wedge something in. Right after Twilight gets cut off, the very next thing needs to be what did so.
Comma for direct address.
She acts stunned in her next piece of dialogue, so it's unnecessary to say so.
That sounds like awfully grown-up phrasing for how young he's supposed to be.
Ah, a dangling participle. "Knowing..." is supposed to describe Scuttle, but he never appears in the sentence. Only his smile does.
Examples speak much louder than generalities, as I said. Give me a couple of quick anecdotes of times someone learned something from her and how it made her feel.
Hyphenate.
So have him act surprised.
Typo, and this begs for expansion.
Way too blunt. Note that you're also falling into a very repetitive pattern in your paragraphs, where you start with unbroken dialogue, then have a short attribution or narrative sentence. It's also skimping on the narration. The unspoken part of a conversation is just as important, but you're relying on the dialogue (and telly language in the bit of narration) to carry the emotion.
Let me see him act amazed. How does he look at them?
Comma after the dependent clause.
Just one, or is he rolling them both?
Alright, this is good. Give her a little more physical reaction, though, like a spring in her step as she goes to look for them.
You're jumping the perspective around a lot in this chapter. You're also just stating their emotions as bland facts rather than showing them to me. On a grammatical note, "amount" is for collective quantities. You'd need "number of colors" which sounds kind of awkward) or "amount of color."
He's not aware of a continuous grayscale, which is infinite?
Needs a comma.
Spell out numbers this short.
paperwork
Watch the repetition.
This deserves a lot more weight than you're giving it. This is going to be a little tough to get across well with an omniscient narrator, but I think it'll at the very least take delving into his thoughts. This is so new, so alien to him, and it's arguably the emotional crux of the story. Don't downplay what this experience means to him.
Leave a space after the ellipsis.
He says this three times in just five sentences.
Pretty repetitive, in the same paragraph.
Capitalization.
Inconsistent number agreement.
That's pretty redundant. It's also odd. She gives him a fairly vauge answer then decides he needs to think about it some? This smacks more of a plot convenience than something that happens naturally.
One of your concerns was whether you should continue the story. Really, only you can answer that. If you have fun writing it, and you feel that there's more story to tell, then absolutely. I do think that it needs more to be a complete story, since it doesn't come to a strong conclusion. Scuttle's learned this new perception, but he doesn't do anything with it yet or come to any new understanding about the world. It's just a new ability. For that matter, his father made it out to be a big deal to train him in colors, but Twilight manages to do it in a single afternoon? That takes away some of the gravity of it, or maybe it suggests that it's a hard thing for changelings to teach. If the latter, that should come out in the story.
You'd also asked about characterization, and that goes hand in hand with the emotional content. That is to say, there wasn't a lot here. Twilight seemed fine, if a bit muted, but then she's the easy one, since we already know her. The changeling parents don't show much personality, and for the amount of time we spend with Scuttle, he doesn't much either. It's tougher to do with an omniscient narrator, but it still can be done. Basically, you have to let their personalities come through by how they react to things and what their emotions are. Limited narrators are well-suited to this, but omniscient can work, too. You have to invest in what body language, facial expressions, and thoughts they have in response to each event, and do something to make each one distinct from the others. If they all behave the same, of course, then they're less interesting.
I'm curious as to what exactly these changelings were there for. It was built up as some consequential thing, but all they needed to do was sign some paperwork, and Twilight's so extraneous to the process anymore that she doesn't need to be present, even in a ceremonial role, and can volunteer her services as a babysitter. Seems like there'd be either more or less pomp and circumstance around this, but it's in a bit of a weird middle ground.
This was a clever idea for a story, and with commensurate emotional investment from the characters, you could have something here. It does lend itself to continuation, so we can see how Scuttle's world changes and how his parents come back into the story. There's really a lot that could go on besides color, as the two societies adapt to each other in many other ways.
Keep writing and have fun with it!
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
Pascoite, WRITE's mineral
Cadence was Twilight's sitter.
Oh, discord!
Awwww, he's adorable.
And he'd be a grand-master at hide-and-seek when playing with other colts and fillies his age.
I want a sequel to this.
5659521 wall of txt...
7179289 i did ask for the review
7181592 i know
5659521
The grand wall of text
As overwhelming and impossible to understand as colors to a young changeling.
8263854
Well, it's only meant for the author, and he requested it.
He sleEPS LIKE A LOG!!!!
I caught this right away as being the reference, but it took me a bit to place it. At first I thought it was from Darkwing Duck, pilot episode, the nursery rhyme that turns out to be the secret code macguffin. A little more digging let me recollect the classic Spectrum Song by the ever imaginitive Ludwig von Drake, from Disney's Wonderful world of Color