I'm a warrior of Flagclan, and I do not believe in killing (Part of my softness for people). Feel free to talk to me whenever. Thanks! :) {And I'm a girl. Peeps usually think I'm a boy}
Luna tries to find the guts to ask out Shackles, one of her royal guards and the love of her life, but can't seem to. Celestia helps by being her wing pony and going out with his annoying friend, Thorn. When Luna asks him out he says no, leaving her heart broken. As her older sister lends a hoof to help get her confidence back up, Thorn annoys the crap out of her, making it even harder for her to help Luna. Will Luna ever get her date? And will Thorn get to go out with Celestia?
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If you dislike my story could you tell me why plz? I hate it when people dislike my story and never tell me why. If you could tell me why I would be ever so grateful. Then maybe I can change it or do corrections. Thanks!!!
I haven't read the story (or voted on it), but what sort of name is "Koujo"? That doesn't sound like a pony name at all...
4841013 Since I didn't know what the names are of her royal guards I used some that I named my dogs. It's an uncommon name but my brother thought of it and it's kinda growing on me. Interesting is just another name for cool in my book.
4841013 And if my first comment sounds mean I'm really sorry. I'm just stating my opinion, I'm not trying or intending to be mean at all. That's not how I am. So sorry if any of my comments sound mean.
I just have this reaction of thinking neutral comments are mean because I don't exactly have the best school experiences, if you catch my drift.
I don't need people just downing all of my comments! I can do that myself ya know.
Okay I can't. But pretend I thumbed down all of my comments.
4841344
While there's no set formula for pony names, they do have a certain quality to them. Here's an extensive list of pony names, dozens of them, both canon and fan-assigned. See if you can find even one that sounds the least bit like "Koujo". Just because a writer thinks something is "interesting" or "cool" doesn't mean it works within a setting.
It does, however, sound like the title character of a novel by Stephen King, which was about a dog that went rabid and killed people (but it's spelled wrong).
I'm sorry people but just because you thumb it down doesn't mean I'm gonna take it down. I enjoy the story and that's all that matters to me at the moment.
4841407 Okay. Thank you for being the only person on this story that's actually helping me. It makes me feel so much better and I'm really grateful.
4841407 Thanks for that list. Though it's a different looking pony I chose the name Thorn. I've always loved that as a name.
you misspelled Pegasus
4841442
I can live with that. That has a connection to nature, so it sounds like something a pony would actually be named.
4841451 I know but I hate capitalizing it. It makes it look like a name lol.
4841727 no i mean you misspelled it it is pegasus not pegisus
4841727
pegasus.
Everyone- Listen, I want to apologize for blowing my fuse earlier. I know your all entitled to your opinion but I was in a really bad mood. I know it's not fair to yell at you guys and I shouldn't have been so angry. I can see why you disliked the story. I mean that first chapter was really bad and really rushed. I tried to write it with major writers block so it was really bad. I hope you can all forgive me.
4841757 Oooohhhh. That makes more sense. My auto correct only capitalized the P so I thought that's what you meant. Thanks for clearing that up.
4841768 welcome!
moooooon!
Hey, can I give some corrections?
Luna felt confused, wondering if he was just doing her job or if he possible liked her. Possible should be possibly.
..with totally wicked fangs to pull of the character. Off instead of "of"
"I can't. What if he doesn't except me?" Except should be accept.
Luna was sitting in the throne room with her sister, talking about the plans for the new city they planned to create. This was kind of awkward. I would have had something like, "talking about plans for a new city." To me, the original text just sounded wordy and didn't flow very well. Also, you don't need a comma between sister and talking.
Luna turned back to look at shackles and sighed. Shackles should be capitalized.
Besides he always asking me out anyways so it would be easy to make it a double date." He needs to be he's. There should be a comma between anyways and so.
"Sister I have an idea." You need a comma between sister and I.
"Hello Shackles."
"Hi Princess Luna." He said with a bow. This should be
"Hello, Shackles."
"Hi, Princess Luna," He said with a bow.
He hoped that it would be real but as scared that Luna was just pulling a prank on her... Was and him are the corrections for this.
'Maybe she was sincere.' He thought. Suddenly he wanted to run up to her and change his answer, but he stayed where he was. Thorn gave him a stern look. You need quotation marks instead of apostrophes, a comma between "suddenly and "he". Also, I think Thorn's look would be angry instead of stern. To me, stern has the connotation of scolding a child.
"I have an idea." He said. You should have a comma instead of a period when regular text follows.
Those were the corrections that I found without nitpicking. I'm serious when I say that I think this story has potential, but I think that you should get an editor and reviser to make this story even better. I sounds like it has a decent plot and over all, it seems like a good story.
I could do some editing if you want, but I'm starting school in a week, so it might not get done instantly. Over all, it seems like a story with potential. I'm sorry if I came off as a jerk.
All her hopes and dream... Dream should be dreams.
When Shackles told her no at the ball she had felt her heart rip into a million pieces. He sister, Celestia, There needs to be a comma between ball and she. Also he should be her. I don't think you need to say "Her sister, Celestia" I'd just say either "Her sister" or "Celestia".
She knew it was wrong to blame her but she couldn't help it. You need a comma between her and but.
"I'm so sorry Luna." She said. You need a comma instead of a period for the quote.
"I must go now." Celestia started. "I have to go and write a letter to Twilight." Commas instead of periods between now and Celestia and between started and I.
The alicorn used her magic to lift up her favorite novel, New Moon. That should be "her favorite novel: New Moon.
"Maybe I should do that show." She said out loud. Comma between show and she.
She gulped. "Why would you need to apologize?" Comma between gulped and why.
"I thought when you asked me out that you were playing a prank on me, so I said no. Now that I realized that you were serious I wanted to take back what I said." This came out a little awkward. I would've had, "When you asked me out, I thought (that) you were playing a prank on me, so I said no. When I realized that you were serious, I wanted to change my answer."
"Hello Princess Celestia."
"Hello Thorn. What brings you here?" This should be "Hello, Princess Celestia."
"Hello, Thorn..."
Thorn smiled so wide. That sentence was just awkward for me.
"Okay, I'll pick you up at eight cupcake!" You need a comma between eight and cupcake.
She was glad that her sister had found a good mood after her horrible night. 1. I would replace 'she' with Celestia (if I'm reading this right). 2. I would replace had found with 'was in'.
Finally she decided on a... Comma between finally and she.
"Maybe this won't be so bad." You should have a comma instead of a period here.
I like how this story is going so far... I hope you don't mind me making corrections. I can't help myself.
Good story
4842576 Thanks for the corrections. I'll do my best to get them all done.
hmmmmmmm is shackles bipolar or passive aggressive?
4871866 What's passive aggressive?
4871889 being hostile through body language, sarcasm, etc
4871943 Okay. Then ya he's that. Also he has anger issues!
4872005 ohhhh
...bet there wasn't much for restaurants in Canterlot. Bet should be but. And Wasn't much for restaurants in Canterlot doesn't flow very well.
"Pink, yours?" That should be "Pink. Yours?"
"Ya, I know." You could probably get away with saying Ya, but I'd say "yeah"
The pegasi have really outdone themselves, keeping away all the clouds and all. Not to mention," He started saying with romantically, I'd say, "keeping all the clouds away". You didn't need to capitalize he for that.
"Clearly nothing will go my way tonight," She thought sadly. You don't need to capitalize
she.
"The pizza's here." Thorn said, waving his hoof in her face. Comma between here and Thorn.
"Maybe he does like me." She thought. You need a comma between me and she and you don't need to have she capitalized.
"What was that for stupid? You need a comma between for and stupid.
"Ya right! And pigs fly you stupid, pathetic piece of.....," He began... Once again, I'd have 'yeah' instead of 'ya', and you don't need to capitalize he.