Kharn
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Interesting. Wonder how this'll turn out.
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Princess protects!
I love 40k mlp stories and that well a very well written start. Also Kharn...
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.... The gods of chaos? Awesome
GAAAAH
it's so awesome
this story is so fucking good. i wanna know what happens next
perfect
the empire threatening the princesses will give the mane 6 a reason to fight with chaos against them
genius my good sir, simply genius
du är norsk va? jag är svensk själv.
Oh this is going to be a fun trip
Can't wait to see the Princesses reactions to the Mane 6's transformations.
And I dread to think what Archaon has planned for the CMC
i have no idea what kind of universe this is set in, but i LOVE IT.
also as Jaffaarchfiend said, im dying to see Celestia and Lunas reaction :D
<3
675031Dawn of war... a very interesting variant of Dawn of war.
Random Doctor Whooves coming in to save the day.... hopefully. Still, who knows? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
Loving that you use the Doctor. Your writing has improved a great deal from the first chapter bravo
WAAAAAAAGH!
Oi! Elfy! You're supposed to be teaching them how to use their dang powers and keep them from losing their souls, not singing along little elven nursery rhymes.
Bah, pointy eared git.
Well things are certainly getting interesting that's for sure.
Question......What happen to spike? Is he going to become Twilights servant/number one assistant?
Still loven pinkie pie!!!!
Oooooh this looks good. I wanna see what happens to Fluttershy, especially when she heads in to Khorne's realm. I wonder if she'll run into any other Ponies, maybe some from Poniville, like Big Mac or Cherilee or Carrot Top.
Say, are you going to include any known Warhammer Fantasy Heroes like Gotrek and Felix?
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This is totally Heresy but........I'm now a Chaos follower...
Fuck you Discord I found some Real lord of Chaos.
Orkz iz da best! WAAAAAAGH!
Woah. That last chapter was good. Some parts I'm not fond of reading (you know the parts) but hey, every story has it quirks. Good story and keep it up.
Awesome
I have nothing but sheer respect for you.
Yay Big Mac!
Yay other ponies!
Now we just need to see them meet.
This is extremely well written!
I eagerly await the next chapter
I think pony kind should be able to use the Winds of Magic. Unlike humans, all ponies possess magic with each tribe having its own specialist areas. In theory any pony could learn any type of magic but particularly if it is of a kind that comes naturally to that pony's tribe (and/or even more specifically based upon the nature of the pony's cutie mark/special talent). Human wizards and Gnome conjurers can only use a single color of magic without being corrupted, thus each of The Empire's Colleges of Magic are centered around the use of only one wind of magic. Ponies on the other hand could potentially use a few at a time without endangering themselves. Possible areas of magical specialisation based upon tribe and in likely order of ease of mastery are:
Unicorns: Aqshy, Azyr, Hysh,Ulgu (other four rank about equal in difficulty for a unicorn excluding special talent factor)
Pegasus: Ghyran, Ulgu, Hysh, Azyr (other four rank about equal in difficulty for a Pegasus excluding special talent factor)
Earth Pony: Ghyran, Chamon, Hysh, Ghur (other four rank about equal in difficulty for an Earth Pony excluding special talent factor)
The Princesses would be even more prolific given their millenia of experience, alicorn natures, and large magical reserves. Other than the Elves and the Slaan they are probably two of but a few beings that would be capable of using Qhaysh. Also their special talents mean that some types of magic would come to them easily. Luna for example would excell at Azyr and Ulgu and Celestia could potentially become the most powerful Hysh user in the world. Maybe they could even create a few new spells of their own. I'll list a few possibilities in later comments.
Celestia: Light of Lesser Harmony ( Celestia made this one to crudely emulate the effect of the Elements of Harmony, using Hysh magic), Light of Greater Harmony (same effect as lesser only more advanced, requires great magical power and uses Qhaysh magic), 10,000 spears of Heavenly Light (exactly as it says on the tin rained down from on high using Hysh magic, works best during daylight hours, accuracey and number of spears may differ with skill of wizard), Lesser Purge of Chaos (akin to Lesser Harmony but less subtle and more destructive, requires Hysh and Aqshy so useless to human wizards unless one specialising in each were to combine the two Winds in order to generate this spell using a magical focus - which would be difficult), Greater Purge of Chaos (like Lesser but requires the additional Wind of Azyr, highly complex and requires great magical power to work, basically immolates all things Chaos tainted in living magical flames up to and including Greater Daemons)
Holy mother of Batman that's a lot of proofreading.
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Let's get to it.
I hate to start this with simple grammar, but that should be ‘powerfully.’
This sentence isn’t quite right. You need to either tack ‘They were’ on the beginning or between ‘rituals’ and ‘obscured.’
Pretty sure you meant the horse, but I was confused for a moment. With two different ‘its’ floating around, you should be a bit more specific.
That should be ‘appointments; helping.’
More of a nitpick than anything else, but it seems a bit odd for Twilight to randomly pry into the lives of a pair of ponies when she’s worrying about her own troubles.
She was just worried about letting her friends down; I would think that she would be more worried about failing her friends than whatever odd thing is going on downtown.
Yaaay! Tense errors! This should be ‘She quickly had a bite of hay’ or something similar.
Damnit, Twilight, Perception isn’t a dump stat.
Call me crazy, but isn’t that also a greater priority than Trixie making an ass of herself again? Random horn pains without magical exertion to go along with them sounds like a cause for alarm to me.
There are two main definitions for unto; it’s either ‘doing something until something else happens,’ like ‘fasting unto dusk,’ or as an archaic version for ‘to.’ You should just say ‘staring at it’ or something more modern ;p
Among themselves.
The rickety, worn look
Its cargo.
Shouting and fatigue don’t really mix well; they kind of contradict themselves, if you understand me. The description is also very vague; does the shouting itself sound fatigued or is Pinkie visibly tired? You might want to replace ‘somewhat fatigued’ with a more detailed description of how ragged Pinkie looks.
I don’t know if this is a grammar rule or not, but I would put ‘Twilight replied’ after her speech. Also, I’d think she would show some more remorse for her actions than ‘yeah, sorry, by the way what’s going on?’
Wait, what? You might want to give a more thorough description of the cart back when Twilight first sees it. This is the first we’re hearing about magical floating torches. (Way to respect private property, Twilight.)
So each torch has four different-colored flames inside of it?
No wood, no coal.
You don’t need ‘the noise’ in there.
His.
Replace that first comma with ‘were.’
Bit redundant there. I’d cut out those last two words.
I’d combine those two sentences; ‘His horn glowed blue, and surrounded by a similarly-toned aura the torch shot into the air.’
Similarly to Pinkie above, don’t just tell us that his tone was relieved but tense. Try tossing body language into the mix to liven up your descriptions. For example: ‘The madpony laughed, obviously relieved he had salvaged his fire, but his body was rigid and his eyes regarded his cart warily.’
Corruption points are always a lovely way to start off a campaign, don’t you think?
Two words, two problems. First, never use acronyms unless it’s a character speaking or some other in-story text; acronyms are too casual for professional writing. Secondly, I don’t think ‘replied’ is a strong enough word; something like ‘retaliated’ or ‘shot back’ would help capture the mood a bit better.
Same problem. Ponies are scared and panicking, so use words that make it sound like they’re scared and panicking.
bloodygoodhorror.com/bgh/files/reviews/caps/vampires-kiss.jpg
But she did wake up, if only for a bit.
All in all it looks interesting, but I don’t have the time to proofread 91,000 words right now ;p
I promise I’ll be picking away at it, though; you’ll be getting constant feedback from me, fear not.
of course Vinyl and Octavia have to deal with Slaanesh
Great chapter. Can't wait to see more
Kinda harsh for the cutie mark crusaders
I told you I would find some
I know its not a big deal but still, it should be griffion not gryphon.
...I know this is marked with tragedy and other such indicators, but the initial concept is HILARIOUS. I'm picturing Dorghar, Steed of the Apocalypse, looking at Twilight (who is a pony, hence small enough compared to the massive Dorghar that Archaon's feet would almost certainly touch the ground on both sides) and going "WTF? How the hell did YOU get my job?"
Great story, though I'm surprised to see GEOM here , I thought this was going to be Warhammer fantasy only, Though if you manage to pull this off its going to be epic. I'm looking forward to finding out what the Chaos Gods are planning.
2558365
I may be wrong, but I was under the impression that Twilight was alicorn sized.
2558928
I can't remember if all alicorns are currently the same size (certainly just-restored-Luna from S1E2 was much smaller than Celestia), but in any case the story was started late 2012 - which was before the end of series 3.
2558919
Listen closely to the dialogue. "Haven't discovered electricity yet" "Wait for the technology and spur it on where we can." "The future will yield great technology."
The Emperor was around thousands of years before any of the events of current Warhammer Fantasy happened and there's a little rumor among the community that the warhammer fantasy world is part ofthe 40k universe, a feudal world.
2558950
I meant in the ''Chaos Marks Them All'', it say in CH.4 that Twilight was taller, so I put her at Celestia size. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
2559128
Well, you do specifically say in the synopsis "Warhammer Fantasy, not Warhammer 40,000 crossover".
2561154
Yeah, if the fic says she's taller, she's taller, but I was just saying the image that came into my mind.
2559128
My mistake, thanks for clearing that up for me. If you don't mind could you put a short description of what the mane 6 and other chaos tainted ponies look like.
I like the story, but one thing is annoying the hell out of me;
Why the fuck is Twilight so weak?
this isnt my kinda party, but maybe im just a pussy.I hate cliche dragon ball z/ power ranger good always wins endings but this shit might as well be a snuff film(if you dont know what that is dont look it up unless your older than 21.
there is nowhere you can take this story in war hammer tales and games there are factions. by putting the six as and others in the (bad technically) faction unless you do some lame plot device were there returned to "the light" with all the powers they obtained through chaos and the four and stuff then at some point your going to have to end this as " and every body dies and evil ruled the whole dimension and what not and every body fucking hated themselves and if they didnt kill them selves they lived with eternal regret the end.
this isnt a depressing one shot this is a story you cant shit out the end and not expect to lose a lot of likes and favorites.
I am sorry for being such a dick but i dont want to see you have to go through that it sucks I learned the hard way that at some point you just dont like the whole dark story arc any more and your forced to either completely end the story or try to breath new life into it by killing off your main antagonists and having the whole "new hope ending wich is a story saver but still kinda cliche
Question: Is the Ley or the Warp the source of unicorn magic within the Warhammer world? All the magic within Warhammer is derived from the Warp either as unrefined Dark Magic or as neutral/good magics which are Warp energies that have been filtered through the natural world and been largely 'purified' i.e. the Winds of Magic.
This is an issue for all unicorns (except Sombra obviously) as if they cannot access the Ley as a source of magic then they run the risk of corruption. Additionally if they draw upon one of the Winds of Magic for power they might not be corrupted but the nature of their power could be affected depending on which one they use.
Actually it is probably an issue for ALL ponies as they all possess some form of magic (which back in Equestria were probably derived from the Ley).
In theory any pony could learn (or become a conduit for) any Wind of Magic but particularly if it is of a kind that comes naturally to that pony's tribe (and/or even more specifically based upon the nature of the pony's cutie mark/special talent). Human wizards and Gnome conjurers can only use a single color of magic without being corrupted, thus each of The Empire's Colleges of Magic are centered around the use of only one wind of magic. Ponies on the other hand could with proper training potentially use a few at a time without endangering themselves. Or maybe they could act as magical channels or fonts for those more capable of utilising the power of the Winds of Magic.
Alternatively of course they could be rubbish at using Warp born magics and still rely on the Ley for their power within the Warhammer world - though admittedly the Chaos Ponies seem to be managing well with the damn stuff and they're not even wizards.
Also any chance of Nagash or his accursed crown putting in an appearance? (Other than Chaos the guy has probably been the root cause of more woe and terror than anyone or anything else in the history of the Old World.)
Come to think of it is Sombra undead like a wraith of some variety or some sort of self made pseudo-daemon prince or a Pony Disciple/Avatar of Malal/Malice or what?
As for the Doctor, well with all the regenerations he goes through he probably has a closer elderitch affinity for the Changer of Ways than Papa Nurgle - though he obviously wouldn't accept power from either of his own free will.
One other question - as a warp being/spirit what is Discord's schtick? Warp entities like the Big Four of Chaos embody various ideas, concepts and emotions - not all of them bad things mind you - which are invariably corrupted to their most dark and basal forms due to the very fact that they are born of the Warp. Khorne for example embodies (amongst other things) martial prowess and honor but neither of these qualities shine through much in his followers only his darker qualities as the god of violence, wrath and blood. Now Discord while not on the same level as the ruinous powers, probably has a similar deal going for him. His reform may simply have been Fluttershy (and repeated exposure to the power of the Elements) helping him find a better balance between both the good and bad of what he embodies as a warp entity. But what exactly is that? Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony may have been adequate in Equestria but it is simply too vague in a world where there are multiple chaos beings. So maybe Discord was originally somthing like say the warp being of Freedom, Wonder, Dissonance and/or Individualism before he negatively flanderised himself as Warp entities are wont to do.
For Nurgle GO APPLE JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+
If in universe this story is set in the same continuity as Warhammer 40K then I have a theory as to how that might be (as the Old World certainly isn't Terra).
It goes as such: During the early days of the War in Heaven - before thinks got truely dangerous for them - the Old Ones had several projects going on. One was a world that was situated within an island of real space within the warp where they were working on anti-tech defenses particularly special types of warp derived fields that were designed to screw up electonics and other more advanced technologies. Then the War really heated up and the Old Ones were forced to abandon this world along with the various servant races they'd brought/created there. As time goes on, warp storms rage further isolating the world from the rest of the galaxy. Then somehow a ship with human settlers (from some point or other in history) is washed up on the island of real space within which the world is situated. The settlers quickly discover that their ship cannot get near the world without malfuctioning. So they cannot land the ship or bring any real tech down onto the world. Somehow though they manage to reach the surface of the planet and settle even though their ship and most of their tech remains well away from it. More time passes and the origins of humanity within the world are forgotten along with most of the knowledge they possessed. The warp storms eventually abate and the planet becomes accessible (if not necessarily known) to the galaxy at large once again. Whereas millions of years have passed in broader real space since the War in Heaven but a few thousand have passed upon the Old World. Thus an odd world exists with its own breeds of Eldar (Elves), Orkz, humans and a variety of flavours of Chaos, sorcery, psychic phenomena and warp craft (magic).
Of course when the Old World ceases to be isolated or whether any of the major 40K factions ever take notice of it is another story entirely. As for why the future Emperor of Humanity is hanging around there is anyones guess. But then again the finer points of his back story and what he got up to prior to revealing himself has always been kind of vague.
princesses protect us,princesses protect us,princesses protect us.......
455621 badly,that's how its always goes with chaos
2513378 at least they weren't thrown in the pit,it's probably full of hungry demons....
576802 I honestly expected pinkie to be Khorne or tzeench
(anyone remember cupcakes?)
Khorne
tzeench: she's more random than random,clearly a sign of his favor
2568997 filthy casual. Everyone with any greater knowledge of the ruinous powers would know that tzeentch is the god of hope, change and magic. Slaanech though is the god that simply asks you to find pleasure in every act, emotion and feeling as well as endulgeing yourself in whatever desire lust or want you crave.
Do you even chaos?
chaos reports? warp yeah!
derpy hooves is too derpy hooves to be affected by chaos.don't question it,just go along with it
the empire has gone mad!!!
well... mad-er...